The days of my life...

I know it has been awhile since I last posted- that is the way it goes when your life is full of chaos...I figured I would write a little of this and a little of that.

RAISING PLAYERS

At the beginning of daycamp TW informed me that she had a boyfriend...and that i had to buy a ring for said boyfriend and she would wear my wedding dress and they would get married...it touched me that she wanted to wear my wedding dress but I told her she would have to wait until she was older...she seemed fine with that. I asked what her boyfriends name was and she told me Cody...

Fast forward to 2 weeks later and she informs me she has TWO boyfriends...the afore mentioned Cody and now Will - however TW and PWG got into a heated discussion about Will - not because PWG wanted him but she informed her sister that Will was Laura's boyfriend and TW couldn't have him - TW shrugged her shoudlers and said" I am a twin so I have to share" - I knew one day that line would come back to bite me. Anyway this was all a moot point a week later when Laura told Will during a classmates birthday party that he was not her boyfriend anymore...ah the angst of 5 year old love.

So last week TW informs me she has THREE boyfriends...Cody, Will and get this..."the tall kid in Unit A" - yep she is definately a player - doesn't even know the kids name...just "the tall kid"

...gee how exciting will her teenage years be for me

THE VA-JAY-JAY CHRONICLES

I have been successful in changing the subject when one of my girls points to thier va-jay-jay's and ask what it is used for...however I know soon I am not going to be able to dodge that bullet...if anyone knows of a tactful way to explain to a 5 year old what a va-jay-jay is without me having to turn to the cartoon porn that is "Where did I come from" please let me know

FOR ONCE

I applaud the writers of Rolie Polie Olie...a show I truely dispise - although not as much as the weirdo doodlebops...yesterday I let my girls watch it - we haven't seen it in well over a month - well it was da' bomb...the parents switched places with the kids and proceeded the throw a tantrum because they wanted to play the game "Pick-up all the crap on the floor" and got into a fight because kid dad wanted to watch Golf while kid mom wanted to watch the news...they demanded peas and carrots and lots and lots of ruffage for dinner...and when bedtime rolled around they threw a fit because they wanted to go to bed RIGHT NOW and of course the bedtime story - reading from the daily newspaper...the kids thinking this was going to be a great day wind up laying on the ground totally wiped out after kid mom and dad go to bed....ha ha ha ha - let's see watching shows you don't want to watch - playing games you don't want to play...eating stuff you don't like....reading a story you dispise...you got it right RPO writers - you must be parents yourself - thumbs up to an enjoyable episode...you have a long way to go before it is Jimmy Neutron caliber...but because of this episode I might just let my children watch you again sooner rather than later.

CLERKS II

For anyone that is a Kevin Smith fan - you HAVE to see this movie - I recently did a babysitting swap with a friend for the express purpose of getting out of my house so I could see this movie...I loved every single minute of it...some quotes to leave you with

"Pillowpants is the name of her pussy troll"
"She's Kinky Kelly I'm the stud"
"Go-bots are the K-mart of Transformers"
"We like to call it inter-species erotica"
"They're not gay they're hobbits"

Seriously I could make a fortune...

On Tuesday my husband underwent sinus surgery - a fairly simple outpatient procedure that takes about an hour to do...the Dr. came out to tell me how it went (GREAT!) and to tell me my husband had one of the worst noses he had ever seen inside...

Appearantly it was broken in three different places...the septum was totally pushed over on one side so he wasn't getting airflow on one side...the Dr. said he should feel a lot better after the surgery - I am just hoping that he doesn't snore anymore I could quite frankly care less about the % of airflow going up between his nostrils.

After about an hour in recovery I was allowed back to see him and get my instructions from the nurse...yes I did say instructions.

Turns out they don't really sew you up - they just let you bleed and how they stauch this bleeding is by taping a rolled gauze pad up under your nose...

Now being a woman I am quite familiar with blood coming from small openings...sorry if this grosses you out - but I am very frank and it is the god's honest truth...

so my job was to change the "pad" every hour or so as it got soaked with blood...something so very enjoyable - NOT!!!!

so you had to roll these gauze pads up and then strap it on with a strip of tape...at one point I told my husband I was going to get one of my maxipads and park it under his nose...he did not find that amusing...

However...the blasted thing is designed to absorb blood from small holes - if Always or Kotex really thought about it and made super mini maxi pads for medical use they could really make a bundle...

I have already figured out the design for sinus surgery - nice and thick in the middle with adhesive "wings" on both ends - just plop the pad up under your nose and adhere the wings to either side of your nose...no more nasty rolled gauze no more ripping tape...and the plus side your upper lip will smell springtime fresh...

anyone got the number for Kotex Product Development...

Copulating Female Dog

So today I went off to meet my husband to sign some paperwork at a local bank branch. Instead of walking the 10 blocks in the 90 heat I decided to drive, whereas my husband who works a mere 3 blocks walked - so I round the corner that the bank is on and see my husband standing in the street along the side of the road saving me a place...

Very sweet of him but I would think after being together for say oh a dozen or so years he should know I parallel park about as well as I run marathons (for those that barely know me I am pretty sure I would rather get eaten by a lion then run more than 50 yards - I think it would be far less painful)...so I go around and around the block waiting for someone on the side street to pull out...see the side streets are intersected by driveways so you get 1 maybe 2 cars along the side...pulling between a car and air - not a problem for me...pulling between 2 cars...serious problem

So after my 4th or 5th time around I spy an empty spot and nudge myself in...as I am getting out of the car a little beat up car pulls up along side my car and the women inside proceeds to forcefully yell to me

"Copulating Female Dog"

and then speed off with her "Jesus Loves You" license plate frame flapping in the wind...

I am going to assume, since I had never laid eyes on this woman before today, that she must have seen the spot after she past it and was going around the block and found me in it...

umm ok...I burst out laughing while I have been called many things in my life "Copulating Female Dog" is not one them...

I am going to go with the theory she was calling me a F'n B*@#%...but for some reason her love of Jesus, attested by her license plate frame, does not allow her to use profanity in a vulgar way?

Either way it costs a lot of $$$

This past week I have gotten a bunch of compliments...about my weight....

I have previously written about how within the past year and a half I have lost about 40 lbs...a majority of that between last Feb and November of 05...

A few weeks ago I went back on WW - forked over the money - got my little weekly coupons and settled back in - I knew this time around it would be harder for me to loose the weight at a nice clip - I have totally changed my eating habits so I am already eating the "proper" foods - now it is just a matter of tweaking the portion sizes and evaluating what I am eating every day...after all I will never deprive myself of a treat every now and then - I just have to adjust what I eat around that treat.

So anyway so far 4 weeks in I have lost a grand total of 5 lbs...I am NOT complaining as that is 25% to my goal of losing 20 lbs this go round.

But over the past week people have been commenting about how good I have been looking and that I seem to be doing really well with my diet...I know 5 lbs is nothing to sneeze at but at my current weight that is like letting loose a few drops from the overflowing rain bucket...

Now about a week or so ago is when I dropped a wad o' cash on expensive Clinque makeup and fancy Philosophy Undercover stuff...I have to say this stuff is awesome and makes my face look terrific...

so I am thinking people are looking at me and seeing me with this great face now...far far fewer blemishes (been doing the whole Philosophy Acne skin care regimen for about 2 months now - great results - still get erruptions now and then but overall my skin is a lot better and not tight...anyway lets just leave it as I am a Ho and Philosophy is my pimp daddy...) and realizing something has changed...since they know I am on a diet they go for the diet angle...

So if I break it down right now it stands at $19 for every compliment I've gotten...now if I can get it down to about $5 a compliment it will be money well spent...

A little this a a little that *edited for Clarification

SATURDAY REVISTED

going back to the mall this past weekend - after my friend Liz left I wandered around the mall for a little while longer - I happened upon these very interesting pair of panties...

they were cute...they were ruffly...they were crotchless...they were $58!!!!

so for $58 you get a tiny dress for your coochie...and you know they only serve one purpose...it's not like you are going to be dressing for work and say

• Skirt - Check
• Blouse - Check
• Bra - Check
• Ruffled crotchless undies - Check

I can think of so many better things to spend $58 on...like a nice serving platter...

I'M PRETTY

Four year olds say the darnest things....While picking my girls up from day camp yesterday one of the little 4 year olds came up to me - she asked me if I was PWG and TW mommy...and I said Yes...then she told me I was really pretty...awwwww shucks...she made my day :)

PHASES 1 & 2

Just for Liz

PHASE 1: Talking like your mother...you know you have made the first transition into actually becoming your mother when phrases like "Don't make me tell you again"...."Close the door do you think we live in a barn" and the always popular "Because I said so" comes flying out of your mouth...it becomes far worse when you actually spout mommyisms without thinking things through...like the other day when i told PWG to pick something up and she just started whining...automatically from my mouth came the phrase "What's the matter with you - your arm broken?" and sadly yes...her arm is broken...at least I had a good chuckle combined with a small hiccup of a cry fully realizing that I am far beyond Phase 1

*PHASE 2: Drinking like your mother...sure when we all are given the go-ahead to drink and we go to bars and such we choose all these wonderful exotic concoctions made up of 27 different types of liqour...things with names like "Super Porn Star" and "Banana Slammer" and "The Shaking O"...but then you get older...wiser...and realize that you don't like waking up with the impression of the toilet seat ringing your face...so you become more sedate in your drinking...and you start drinking the "grown up" drinks - the ones that are usually only served up with one type of alcohol - the ones with the safe names like "gin and tonic"..."jack and coke" or the one that I now drink...the one that my mother drinks..."Amaretto"...I

Can I get this in a size Oompa Loompa

On Saturday I got the pleasure of meeting up with one of my friends - Liz (http://buildermama.blogspot.com/) yeah I haven't learned to do all that HTML stuff yet...

Anyway Liz and I met up at one of our local malls...the "expensive" one - the one that houses places like Crate and Barrel, Aurhaus, Pottery Barn, and Nordstroms...one of the reasons we picked this place was for the sheer fact that Nordstoms carrys Philosophy products and since Liz previously "forced" me into buying over $100 worth of face stuff from Philosophy I subsequently have become a Philosophy Ho I needed my fix of the face wash...

But ah not so simple to walk in and just buy what I needed - no sir re...I ended up forking over about $80 for a face kit and then...Clinque...foundation and blush - why because there was a FREE gift...in addition to being a Philosophy Ho it turns out I am also a FREE gift Ho...so now I have some nice expensive foundation and blush...but I do have to say it does do wonders for my face...but sadly there is no going back now...I don't think I can ever again buy foundation at CVS with my $1 off coupon...now I'll be stalking Clinque and biding my time until they have thier FREE gifts...I have begun the next phase in my life "Phase Three: Makeup like your mother"...I however will not complete the phase in full because I do not own Blue frosted eyeshadow and never will

I shudder at the thought of the next phase "Phase Four: Dressing like your mother"...a phase I shall do my best to by-pass because I really don't ever want to own a sweater with an embroidered Christmas Tree - nor do I have a jonesing to own Christmas Lightbulb dangling earrings...

Anyway after both of us made the salesladies day we went off to the Cheesecake factory for a bite to eat...ohhh so sinfully delicious at the end...we shared a slice of Chocolate Coconut cheesecake...I could actually hear my hips screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

After a bite to eat we walked around the mall - which led us to Ann Taylor - where I tried on a very pretty dress - unfortunatly it made me look like I was smuggling piglets on my hips...

See...my body is mutated...I am what you would refer to a zaftig...big boned...plush...fluffy...I have a somewhat smallish waist with these huge birthing hips...and to top it off I am on the short side...imagine if you will someone took an Oompa Loompa and put them on a stretcher...that would be me...so I go to try on pants...they fit in the hips but I could literally tuck a midget in the back of my waistband...the pants I can find that fit me in the waist are usually so tight accross the hips they pull at the crotch and well if you have read my other musings you would know my sworn motal enemy is the camel-toe...I will NEVER, EVER go there...quite frankly I wish it was outlawed and I had the power to make a citizens camel-toe arrest...oh what happy day that would be...to be able to walk down the street and not be offended by camel toes...

anyway so the long story short is I am a mutant and I am waiting for the day I can flip through the racks at a store and find a size Oompa Loompa...

Freak Me

I am a channel surfer...I can not stand to be bored with commercials...so I flip...with this in regards to the remote I am the MAN in our little family...however, unlike the opposite sex I do not stop on shows that feature some historical event as the main topic nor do I stop on shows where wild birds and guns are the featured performers.

I am a reality junkie...and when I say reality I don't mean all the Let's have an Amazing Race to see who will be the Apprentice Survivor and find the Treasure...I mean the mind numbing candy shows...give me Newlyweds, The Girls Next Door and yes...even The Simple Life. I find it amusing to watch others stupidity...appearantly I am not alone in that fact or else these shows would not be on the air, right?

One of my favorite shows on currently is Mind Freak with Criss Angel - which is on A&E on Wed at 10pm...seriously this man is amazing...and if I may say so - sort of a hottie man in a "bad boy lets' get it on on a rooftop" sort of way.

So last night I was flipping (natch) between Mind Freak and another freaky show - America's Got Talent...I do have to say some of America does have talent...the rest though are well - just freaks...although I did enjoy the breakdancing cow - but the "Shadow dancers" - with the love triangle that involved a minature pony...so not NBC...more like Skin-a-max - seriously freaky...but not as freaky as Criss Angel

Most of his tricks are just illusions...but man...what illusions they are. If he was doing them on a stage I could pick it apart - trap door there...mirror here and viola. HOWEVER, most of his tricks take place as he walks around various Las Vegas locals...casinos, parking lots, parks, etc...and they are not simple flash of the hand type tricks either, among some of the more amazing things he did

• impale himself on a wrought iron fence in front of a group of people
• made a HUGE elephant disappear in the middle of a parking lot while a group of people held hands in a circle around him
• cut himself in half and have people walk between him and under him
• made himself disappear in the middle of a public park
• smashed a beer bottle and cell phone together so that the cell phone wound up INSIDE the beer bottle - to get it out he broke open the beer bottle
• walked on water - while he had people swim in front of him, behind him and under him
• levitate people on the street
• levitated between two buildings

yes yes yes I know it all illusions...but how....in the middle of public places....using things that people on the street give him and just surprising people here and there...sure he could have people "planted" in certain areas, with props for some of the illusions...but others...it is definately a MIND FREAK

if you want to watch some amazing television...check him out

http://crissangel.com

B-E-A-UTIFUL....

So TW and PWG started day camp this week...their little chests are so puffed up and thier little throats raw as they tell everyone they meet that they are "big girls" now

Last week they "graduated" from their pre-K class at daycare...this thrust them into the world of the BIG kids and the summer day camp that the daycare runs...

at first I was a little weary...after all they are only 5...and fairly newly 5 at that...

then I got the list of activities...swimming, bowling, baseball games, trips to the ice cream parlor...movies...heck I want to be a kid again....

but then I thought man they are going from a class of 12 kids and 2 teachers into a day camp unit of 20 (ages 5-7)...with only 2 teachers over all those kids...could they handle it? Will they be ok?

Monday evening we picked them up - and thier eyes were bright and shiney and they couldn't stop talking about everything they did that day...most of which consisted of a field trip to the local snow shack and some coloring...

but the absolute best thing...the thing that I will forever be grateful for daycamp...

BOTH of them were in bed and ASLEEP by 8:15 pm....sweet heaven above I thought I heard the angels singing on high...

and yesterday they went to a local baseball game...in bed...ASLEEP by 8:10 pm

THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU daycamp....

ISO - Two slightly used Murry Lawnmower headlights

So last night Hubby goes to mow the lawn...the last time we did it was about 2 weeks ago...we have a riding lawn mower.

he mows the front and then I go outside to tell him dinner is ready..

he asks me if I did anything with the lawn mower headlights...

my response "The lawn mower has headlights"

so then he lifts up the hood and shows me - the headlight wires have been pulled out and the headlight bulbs are missing...WTF - he said he noticed the wires hanging out of the hood when he went to start up the lawn mower and opened the hood and found no lightbulbs

Our first thought was maybe the girls did something...so we ask them they deny it - then TW says she did it so we ask her to come out and show us what she did - well the little thing isn't even big enough to

A) Lift the hood of the mower...
B) and her arms aren't long enough to reach where the bulbs were...

So we feel that there is no possible way she could have done anything to the lawn mower....plus the fact that the girls have been inbred with Catholic guilt anytime they accidently break something or do something they know is wrong they come to us right away with thier little lower lip out, big puppy dog eyes and the words "I'm so sorry I didn't mean it" - so if she had done something with the headlights she would have come and told us (after the fact of course).

so the question is....

Did someone hop our 5 ft fence, jimmy open our shed and steal our lightbulbs?...we have combo locks on the inside of all three fence doors, mainly we did it as a precaution so the girls couldn't get out of the backyard when they are playing back there and no one could just open a door and walk into our backyard

I am thinking maybe someone was trying to steal our lawnmower and pulled the wrong wires....our dog is outside during the day and has a dog pen with a dog house but she doesn't stay in there she has free roam in the whole yard and the garage (doggie door to garage) - most of the time her lazy ass is on her bed in the garage so it is possible someone could be in our backyard + the fact that she would intially bark and then probably go over and plop down on her back looking for a tummy rub...oh yeah we have such a vicious guard dog.

So they could have pulled the wires which caused the bulbs to pop out and then Ms. Lazy Bitch surprised them and they ran with the bulbs??? Nothing else seems to be missing from the shed - maybe they saw the half mounted turkey ass DH has sitting on the workbench and thought we might be into some sort of satanic turkey rituals???

To top it all off our house sits on a corner lot on a fairly traveled intersection - trees for the most part are non-exsistant on 3 sides of our property and we have no house behind us so our backyard is open for all to see...a person would have to be pretty stupid to try and steal something from our backyard...then again only the lawnmower light bulbs are missing...so stupidity is looking mighty good here...

We are going to talk to our next door neighbors (retired couple who stay home all day) and our neighbors in the cul-de-sac behind us (SAHM) and ask them to be on the lookout...

Seriously weird....

And yes...my world is full of chaos....

Oye...it has been a very rough week...

Let's see last week Pantiewad girl broke her arm...

I was just finishing up lunch on Tuesday - 6/6/06 BTW - when I get a call from the director at daycare...which of course is never a good thing...so I am thinking GREAT one of my kids threw up...has a fever...pissed herself and I forgot a change of clothes...

Nope...the information I receive threw me into a tizzy...

"I regret to inform you we think Pantiewad broke her arm"

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Of course I told them I would be right there and out the door I flew...on my way out I babbled something incoherant to my supervisor - lucky my co-worker overheard the phone conversation and was able to translate.

Got to the daycare in under 20 minutes (let's not even try to guess how much I broke the speed limits) and learned she had fallen off the Monkey Bars...on the brand new playground that the kids were allowed on for the first time that VERY DAY! The playground that was designed for the "older" school-aged kids...the playground had I known they were going to let the Pre-K's on it I would have told the teachers that my girls were not allowed on the Monkey Bar part...anyway that is neither here nor there - it happened and I can't reverse time (because if I could I would reverse it all the way back to the bad Pepe Lopez night...I sure would like to look at Cheerios without gagging - another story for another time - let's just say...learn a lesson from me and stay away from cheap tequila)

As a parent you ALWAYS have this scenerio in the back of your mind about what you are going to do the first time your kid breaks something or comes to you gushing blood from a nice gash somewhere on their body...you think you will be calm and rational and orderly...and all that goes out of the window when it actually happens to your kid...

Well off we went to the ER - PW girl was a trooper all gussied up in a split fashioned from a Nick Jr. magazine and some masking tape...I have to say the ER we went to was fantastic - we hardly waited in the waiting room - got back to a nice room and everything was just done in a very quick and timely fashion - the nice big TV with cable in the room was a plus too...got her all set up with some nice Morphine and got the X-rays...

Yep the X-rays showed that her arm was in fact broken - she managed to break both the Radius and the Ulna bones in her right arm - about 1/3 of the way up from her wrist...thank goodness it wasn't her wrist...

In the end we left with a cast up to her shoulder, a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and an appointment for tommorrow to put on a permanent cast...this one the Dr. informs me can be any color PWG chooses...I am betting on the hot pink model...

Add all this to new kittens and a dog that now needs surgery on it's ear...

Chaos

Timing is Everything....

Last Feb. I joined Weight Watchers...I was tired of being overweight - I had been overweight most of my teen years and managed to loose a bunch of weight my senior year of high school...I entered college with a lot more self esteem than I had in high school and with a totally different outlook

I even managed to fend off the dreaded Freshman 15 (probably because my dorm was the farthest you could get from the academic halls and I had to walk up a big hill to get there...) Over the course of my college years I only managed to gain back 10 lbs...plus I also gained a fiance.

Then the slow descent back to Fluffyville began...I manged to hold my weight steady by going to the gym a few times a week...but did I bother to watch what i ate...nope and since both my fiance and I were working full time and going to grad school that meant a lot of fast food...cheap eats ala - Kraft Mac and Cheese and the ever faithful Ramen noodles...

After we got married we decided to buy a house...hello mortgage...goodbye $$ for the gym...and then working and doing stuff around the house...and then having money to eat real food - not neccessarily healthy food....

I did manage to do fairly well - but a few years out of college I had managed to gain back about 25 lbs...not a pretty site.

Then I got pregnant...had a MC and ate my way through the few weeks following that...then I got pregnant again - this time with twins...during the pregnancy I was told - eat...eat...eat and I did...did...did

anyway fast forward to last Feb - after getting back pictures taken on my Birthday (Dec 31st - I'll expect cards from you all this year) I was horrified at the person in the picture...

I knew right then I had to do something...

so off to WW I merrily skipped...and I did great...lost 40 lbs and well then life caught up with me and I stopped going - I did really good though and managed to hold my weight steady until the past few weeks...slowly, ever so slowly the numbers have been going up

the final straw is last week the day after getting back from FL I stepped on the scale and was astonished to find I had gained FIVE POUNDS...

That was it - I need the accountability of stepping on a scale in front of other people every week...the support of other people who are going through what I am going through...a place to go where I am not the biggest person in the room...

So last night I went and re-joined WW...

Turns out my timing could not have been better...I got home from the meeting and walked upstairs to get changed. I was wearing a long skirt that buttons up the front - I had the top 3-4 buttons undone as I walked in to my room - my lovely twin skin belly was hanging out...TW saw me and ran over to me to give me a hug - then she put her hand on my belly and the conversation went something like this

TW: Oh mommy do you have another baby in your belly?
ME; NO!!!!!!
TW: - Oh then are you just really full?

all the while my darling husband was giggling...giggling so hard I think he might have peed a little in his panties...

I am taking the conversation as a sign that I did the right thing...that spending that $100 is not going to be wasted...

so here I go again...

Thank you Jessica Andrews

SCARY - it's like she lives in my brain...


If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser; I'm a winner
I am steady and unstable
I'm young, but I am able

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

and apparently so does Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy youI'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Tommorrow is K day

Tommorrow morning we all get in the car - drive 45 miles south and pick up our 2 new kittens...the girls have no idea they are going to be stoked...

stay tuned for thier names...sure to be interesting since I asked TW what she would name a cat...

fluffy fluffy fluffy...

and no I didn't type it 3 times by accident...

The bastards got me wet....

And we return....to Seaworld on Friday morning...we managed to catch the last part of the Dolphin show - we came in right after the whale part - so we did end up seeing the whole show - it just took us 2 days.

The big part of this day was touching and feeding various animals...the first thing we did was head over to the skate petting - little flat things very similar to Stingrays...the girls had a blast actually touching them - I was quite surprised that TW WANTED to pet them considering her adversion to anything "icky" - but she did - then it off to see and feed the sea lions and seals and then to the sea lion show...

As yes the Sea lion show - where my 3rd kid got picked out of the audience and had to perform "I'm A Little Teapot" in front of the whole stadium - he was a good sport and his reward - getting soaked by the huge sea lion - ummm yummy nothing like going thru the day smelling like wet sea mammals...

After the show my sis and her boytoy went off on thier own to ride the rollercoaster again and the kids and I headed off to Shamu's world for little people...where we rode the Shamu express - all 60 seconds of it and the girls got out thier energy by sliding down some slides...while we were waiting in line for the Shamu express I got a call from my sis informing me she and boytoy had signed up for the Brewmasters Tour - basically a way to partake in a VARIETY of free beer, rather than just whatever they are handing out at the free beer kiosk that day. Seeing as they would be busy with that we headed over to the Shamu show again...

I have to say...1 time is plenty for the Shamu show...I could go around another time for the Dolphin show - after all how many chances do you get to see gay men dressed in bright pink wet suits with some sort of feather head dress diving 20 feet into a dolphin tank...but Shamu is Shamu and well once was more than enough...

After the Shamu show we met up with sis and boy toy...they were well shit-faced...they had ALOT to drink...they had to sit with a rather odd British couple and thier son and fled when the tour was over...they were a little afraid they might be invited to "spend some time" with the family...anyway my sis got a chance to try something called SPYKES, which has yet to hit the market...which is basically shots of flavored alcohol you can add to beer or drink straight - I tasted her beer that had a Chocolate shot - let's just say as soon as these puppies hit the market - I am all over it...

It was about this time we were going past the Journey to Atlantis ride - the one where we all got soaked - and I learned something...they have these buttons - you put a quarter in the slot - hit the button and it makes jets of water go off...so the day before when boy toy and I thought we were in the clear after going down the hill - SOME BASTARD SHOT US!!!! it wasn't the ride - it was some bastard with a quarter - some bastard got his jollys off by soaking us with water...well paybacks a bitch and I just happened to have about $3 in quarters (because that is what the lockers take) - Drunk boy toy and I had LOTS OF FUN being all bastardly and soaking other people - BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...next to petting a dolphin this was my favorite thing at Seaworld - right above the FREE BEER....

After going thru the penguin house again and trying to pet the rays again we were off...

to the parking lot where we forgot where we parked our rental van...never a good thing - after wandering aimlessly for a little while in her drunken state my sister pushed the panic button on the car keychain - SHEER GENIUS - we followed the screeching sirens to our car and got all settled in...

Then it was off to grandma's house...

no dancing singing Santa...but there was a Leprachan sitting atop a syrofoam mushroom...(how long ago was St. Patty's day???)...ah grammi never disappoints...

All in all we had a nice visit with my grandmother - we escaped on Saturday afternoon and went to see Over the Hedge - very cute movie - I love "I can't find my nuts" Hammy - Sunday we managed to escape to the zoo in the morning - where the girls loved to feed the Lorries some necter and learned my sisters boytoy screams like a little girl if a bird accidently lands on his head...I expected the flailing and screaming from TW when a bird landed on her head BUT boy toy...I was surprised...the girls also got a chance to feed a Giraffe...nothing like getting liked by a giant sloppy tounge - I imagine getting slurped by a giraffe is similar to getting slurped by Gene Simmons...but I won't know being as I am not a skank-ho...

After the zoo the kids and I managed to get to the pool - my sis and boytoy got roped into golfing with gram and g'pa...

Monday it was time to go to the airport...

Nice trip...wonderful vacation...still exhausted

FREE BEER....

no seriously - FREE BEER...at Seaworld - who knew?

Well we made it back from our trip in one piece...a little worn, a little weary, a little battered a little bruised...

but hey they had FREE BEER at Seaworld...

The trip to Fl was great - it was the first time flying for Pantie-wad and the Toothless Wonder - it was a little sketchy in the airport with the waiting and such...thank goodness we had the "F" flashcards - see PWG does speech theraphy - at her last session her therapist gave her cards with pictures of things that begin with the letter 'F' (and yes I checked none had 2 naked people) - to which she happily showed TW how to play the 'F' matching game...this is #45 why having Twins is a GOOD thing...(still doesn't outnumber the con side though) - Lucky when I started seeing the game starting to break down we had to board the plane - THANK YOU AIRTRAN for being on-time.

So we get on the plane get all settled...take off...then we hear it - THAT question "Are we there yet?" - Oh freak me...we took off 10 minutes ago...anyway the nice people in the blue unifroms brought us soda and whale crackers (oh no not goldfish - but WHALE crackers) and that entertained them for all of about 4 minutes. Luckly for me I was in the row with TW and after about an hour she turned and told me she was sleepy - well then lay right down here and take a nap - and that is just what she did - yeah me.

We get to Orlando airport - find my sister and her boytoy that came in from NC and get our rental car - with 4 adults, 2 kids and a bunch of luggage - it was all minivan for us...we find the Nickelodeon Hotel easy enough and they even let us check in a hour and a half early - THEY ROCK...get to our room (which was the farthest you could get from the front desk - of course) - shed our clothes and jump into our bathing suits...and off to the pool.

The Pool at the Nickelodeon Hotel is great - they actually have 2 pools - one has a 0 entry way and was great for the girls as they didn't need a lifevest to play - they had a rope going across once the water went below 3 ft. - this pool also had the huge mass of water slides - BUT since we were there it was closed until Friday morning (for repairs) - guess when we were leaving - yep you guessed it Friday morning...that is just our luck...the second pool is a deeper pool - it is about 4.5 ft deep and has a few waterslides - 2 of which dump you out into the pool and one that has a water way that is designed for the little kids...My girls LOVED this pool - we threw on some life jackets and they swam their little hearts out. My third child, commonly known as my husband, loved the waterslides - one of which you had to climb a rope thingy to get to. The other one you just walked up the stairs and slide down - this is where I got hurt...

See Child 3 was goading me into going down the water slide - so I said fine I'll go - walk up the stairs put my foot on the slide and promptly fell like no ones business - my sunglasses go flying off...my body twists in all sorts of weird directions..my foot somehow gets jammed up underneath me...all while I continue down the curly slide...it was not fun...I seriously thought I broke my foot it was throbbing - luckly it was OK - I just sport a major bruise on my ankle now. But that would have been just my luck...to break my ankle on a friggen water slide

After splashing all around in the water it was time to get out - dry off, eat some food and go to sleep...while it is fun to play around the Nickelodeon hotel - not so much fun to sleep - The bed was the HARDEST bed I had ever sleep on - concrete would have been more comfortable.

On Thursday it was off to SEAWORLD - yeaaaa...we had a little trouble at the ticket kiosks but luckly a nice guy named Frank helped us out...he even told my sister who had recieved a free military ticket she could upgrade to a season pass for only $10 - FRANK ROCKS - we get in the gate and then head over to get our tickets validated - see if you go to Seaworld you can get your tickets validated and get another ticket to come back again anytime in the next 6 days...very nice feature - you go Seaworld...so we get our tickets and then my sister goes to upgrade her free ticket - which took 15 minutes and 2 managers...seriously...

Anyway after all that we were free to roam the park - and headed out...we got to see all sort of Marine mammals and fish and whatnot - then it was time to catch the SHAMU show...which we had told PWG and TW they would probably get wet - they were looking so forward to it...we sat in the Splash Zone (even though I didn't want to) and waited for the show the begin...it began...it was good - guess what - we didn't get splashed...missed getting splashed by mere inches...and then it was over...and TW started crying because Shamu didn't soak her...JOY upon freakin JOY...so we cajoled and promised that at some point by the end of the day we would make sure she got splashed by some marine mammal...

It was off to see other creatures of the sea and...the horses....yes the horses we come to Seaworld and see...the horses...which in the end didn't turn out to be a bad thing because they were next to the hospitality house...where we ducked in to cool off and found

FREE BEER

FREE BEER

did I mention

FREE BEER

So we got some free beer and off we went again...but not before forking over $12 to have our picture taken with a Clydesdale...oh well - it is a vacation you are suppose to spend gobs of money - right???

The next stop was the Dolphin show...which in remembering our promise to TW we all sat in the second row front and center in order to get splashed...The Dolphin show was something else - it didn't just have dolphins - it had fairy princesses, and parrots and gay divers...It was quite a specticle...until the damn whales started acting up...they didn't listen...didn't follow directions - If I didn't know any better I would guess they were twins and 5 years old...anyway they ended up having to end the show right there - At least TW got splashed and in the end isn't that all that really matters...

After the dolphin show we headed over to ride the lone rollercoaster - KRACKEN...which my sis, boytoy and I went on...considering hubby could barely handle the rides at Kings Dominion he gladly stayed on firm ground with the girls...it coaster was awesome...however it did leave me a little green around the gills after a few minutes of disembarking...after KRACKEN we all headed over to Journey to Atlantis - a logflume ride on steriods...luckly the girls were *just* tall enough to go on the ride with us...started out good - you sort of float along this waterpath - the scenes sort of make me think of if It's a Small World and the Devil mated - you would have Journey to Atlantis...after floating amlessly for a little while you are shunted up a tall hill and you know what comes next - down, down, down a big slide filled with water...Boytoy and I were in the 3rd row and started to celebrate when only a few sprays of water got on us...we celebrated to soon - out of nowhere we get hit full force with a huge spray of water - WTF!!!! then it whips you around and you think you are going back to get out - oh no you are shut in pitch black and go very very fast around a bunch of curves and then splashes you down a little hill - I think the girls were fine until that last part - they got off the ride and told us in no uncertain terms it was a scary ride and they were not going back on it...

After that since we were soaked to our undies we decided it was time to head back to the hotel...which we did and the girls wanted to go swimming again so we did and of course the 3rd kid wanted to go down the water slide again and again...

Tune in tommorrow for more of our adventures....

To Grammi's House we go - Man eating Alligators Part II

To futher our vacation and save on fundage after spending 2 days at the Nick hotel and visiting SEA-freakin-WORLD (can I tell you again how excited I am) - we are driving 40 minutes east to my grandmothers house to spend a few days with her...

Now my grandmother lives in a "gated" community (if you call Barney Fife at the guard house "gated") that is full of retired military officers - after my Poppi died my grammi met a nice widow man who gave her a 2 carat rock and ended up whisking her away to the land of the man eating alligators...the retirement community is quite a site to behold. We were last there about 2 years ago at Thanksgiving time - at which point when we pulled up into their driveway we were greeted with a 6 ft' tall dancing Santa on the porch...

NOW...the winter before that my great aunt (who went down to Fl. to visit my Grammi (her sister) one December for the holidays and wound up marrying my grandmothers next door neighbor about 7 weeks later...this however, is not a weird story in my family - oh we have CLOSETS full of wackiness in my family - maybe one day I will blog about them) had - I KID YOU NOT - a REVOLVING pink tinsle christmas tree on her front porch that my grandmother said was the epitome of tackiness...

hummm - 6 ft tall dancing Santa or a revolving pink tinsle tree - pretty much a draw to me on the Tacky-o-meter...

Anyway - when we arrived there was a gift at Santa's feet for PWG and TW - a little bag with a Minnie visor and a few pieces of candy...not bad...not tacky...just right...if only the madness would have stopped there...BUT NO...everytime we left the house a "gift" would magically appear at Santa's feet...

The thing is my grandmother is very frugal...I readily admit that I myself am quite frugal and I do see that the apple didn't fall to far from the tree...BUT...the gifts were quite interesting becuase it looked as if she manged to hit all the 75% off Easter crap...and you know when something is marked down to 75% off after Easter it really is the dregs...the worst were these paper-machae bunnies with what looked like rotting fur stuck all over them...with red beady eyes...

Whie the gifts were bad...try corralling two 3 year olds in a house full of small hummels and tassles...the woman has these small figurines, many of which I am sure costs a pretty penny (she spends big bucks on a piece of kitsch but yet when milk is on sale for a .25 off she buys like 5 gallons and then sticks them in her freezer - note if you ever visit my grandmother - don't drink the milk)...and the tassles - she has these big-ass tassles hanging from every doorknob...of course a 3 year old is going to be drawn to it...and regardless what my grandmother says just because you say "don't touch" doesn't mean a 3 year old is going to listen...

So it will be a very interesting trip...in talking to my gammi she mentioned something about a visit from Jolly Old St. Nick...I need to remember to pack my Tylenol...because if we drive up and a dancing Santa is there to greet us I am going to need a hocking huge bottle...

Oh yeah to top everything off - my sister K and her boyfriend M are joining us on this trip - her boyfriend - who is moving in with her in a few months...even though they are not engaged...should be a fun time at my grandmothers house...I do believe the exact words from her mouth when I was living with my husband pre marriage (HOWEVER - we were engaged with a wedding date) were "Why should he buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free"....

Oh K - are you MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOing??????

Man eating Alligators...

Yep that's right we are going on VACATION.....

to the land of the man eating alligators...seriously in the past week 3 women have been attacked and killed by Alligators in FL. and that is where we are headed.

In case you haven't heard (which I would be mighty surprised since I am so freakin excited I tell everyone I meet I am going on vacation) we are going to Orlando - where we plan on spending 2 nights at the Nickelodeon Hotel - if I knew how to html I would make the word all nice and underlined so you could click right on it...but alas I am a computer moron (took me 10 minutes to figure out how to post a picture the other day) so here is the link http://www.nickhotel.com ...the overpriced, bad food Nickelodeon Hotel...but hey if I get a chance to meet Jimmy Neutron it will be worth the $200 a night stay...kids be damned - I picked the hotel with me in mind - do you know they have ginourmous water slides and a 3000 square foot arcade...me thinks mama is going to need some skeeball intervention.

We are also going to SEA-freakin'-WORLD - This I can't wait for - all the lovely marine mammals...seals and otters that can do tricks...and I am very intriqued as to why SEAworld has ponies pictured on their maps...My girls got maps of Seaworld for thier birthday -along with some spending money from their Nana...after perusing the map I asked both of them what hey wanted to see first - PWG stated the Flamingos...TW - the ponies...WHAT ponies...huh...so I looked at the map and sure enough a picture of a horse...so she wants to so see something we see almost everyday right down the road from our house - go figure.

So until I get back...have fun...be safe...and read some of my friends blogs...

I'm amazed....

about just how many people where I live obviously do not own mirrors...

because if they did surely they would not leave the house

• with shorts so high up thier crack they have a perpetual wedgie
• with shirts so freakin tight you get to see every flubber bump
• with skirts so short they should just be called belts
• with Boobs so exposed you would think there should be an infant close by ready to suckle
• with jeans down to their kneecaps with Hilfiger underwear popping out

and all this spotted at a FUNTASTIC family vacation spot - Kings Dominion...

I guess it is a good thing I didn't pack my spoon cause I would have been blind having to scoop out both my eyeballs from the hideous amount of flesh and general bad fashion sense...

It's official I have broken my child...

TW has been going around singing part of a song for the past week now...

what song you ask...

Honkey-Tonk Ba-donk-a-donk....

however it seems the only parts she knows are

"Honkey-tonk-ba-donk-a-donk"

and

"Eww-wee shut my mouth slap your grandma"

It's offical she's broken...can she be exchanged???

The continuing Saga of Rabbits and Gophers...

So... remember in a previous posting I mentioned that during my twins convention the conversation turned to *ahem* bedroom "friends" - I failed to mention I managed to plaster my friends room with Post-it's that referenced the names of their little "friends"....

They swore revenge would be sweet... Last Wednesday i came home to this...

My yard was decorated with fire tape (one of my friends hubbies is a fireman), large neon signs that said thing like "Gopher It"..."Beware of Rabbits"..."Rabbits and Gophers Unite"... I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself...My husband on the other hand was just shaking his head.

So later that night I met up with them at my twins club meeting and they told me the story of "trashing" my lawn.... seems that had been planning it since thier ride home from MD. They each took a portion and then went to my house Wed. morning...at which time while vandalizing my lawn a county police officer cruised by...slowed down...and waved. I am guessing three middle aged women cavorting around a front lawn at 10am in the morning is not a crime. They did however, get some nice cat-calls from a dumptruck full of boys.

They asked me if I was mad...how can I be mad I feel so loved - that they would take time out of thier busy sceduale and pepper my lawn with the names of vibrators...to me that is LOVE, baby!!!

But...this is not over...REVENGE shall be mine...