it is 11:56pm on Christmas Eve

the presents are out...

Santa has been here and eaten his cookies...

and I can't get my mom off our brand new Wii...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

So we Fought....over Ground Turkey

So we fought …over ground turkey

I freely admit I am a control freak – I like doing things my way…and since I like having them done my way I usually just go ahead and do them so I know that it will get done and well get done the way I like.

I had an event to attend yesterday, which would not leave me time to do my usual Sunday morning foray to the grocery store…TC told me he would be more than happy to go to the store for me..

Uhhh OK…

So I wrote out a list and then I re-wrote in order of the store working from right to left…and then we had a discussion about said list…

While going over the list I had Ground Turkey on the list for chili…

We proceeded to have a conversation that went something like this

ME: I want ground turkey for Chili so make sure you get the plain ground for the Chili and NOT the Italian style ground turkey

TC: Ok

ME: Also get an eggplant too IF they look good – oh hold a second to make eggplant takes a bit of time…I know why don’t we have Turkey Loaf this week

TC: Ok

ME: So go ahead and get a pack of Ground Italian style turkey too {add Ground Italian next to plain ground turkey on list} – so get a pack of both…if they don’t have the Italian style just get two things of plain – but try and see if they have the Italian

TC: OK

I am pretty sure this is the conversation that took place in TC's head

ME: maa maa maa maa Plain Ground Turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maa maa Italian style turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maaa Ground Italian style maa maaa maa Italian (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

So I go to my event and come home…I go to get the ground turkey out so I can start to make the chili…

Open the fridge

1 pack of Italian style ground turkey – hummmm

So I go and ask TC “Where is the plain turkey”

TC response was “You didn’t ask for Plain turkey”

Ummmm WTF….really….

So I got angry…and was a bit yelly over ground turkey….he proceeded to tell me I had only asked for Italian turkey and he went by the list – which he proceeded to get out of his jacket pocket and show me…

the list

where it was written

Plain ground turkey (not Italian – 4 chili) & Italian turkey

Then he started ranting about how I was a control freak and he made a mistake and simply forgot…

I ended up leaving the house because I was pissed off…

See this is where men and women differ – he thought I was upset that he simply “forgot” the stupid turkey…I could have cared less if he in fact truly “just forgot”

I was upset because he didn’t listen…I mean we had a whole freakin conversation about the stupid turkey…about what we were using it for and what we had planned for the week…and yet…

After 10 years of marriage I should be used to it…but I guess that is what marriage is…sometimes there are yelly parts…over ground turkey….

Bad X-mas?!?

So LOTTA had a contest the other week asking about what the worst X-mas you ever had was...

I do have to say I haven't really had a BAD christmas -

I mean I have had some sad christmas's - like 2 years ago when my brother was killed in a car accident a week before the holidays...we managed to muddle through like my family usually does - since my brother was cremated my parents brought him along for Christmas Day...we put his favorite Day-Glo orange "Git'r Done" hat on his urn and put him up on the shelf by the tree...

To other families this might seem weird or crazy...this was my families way of coping...I know it explains a lot about me...

The year before that my sisters dog escaped from my parents house and was struck and killed by a caron Christmas Eve...that was a pretty sad Christmas too...

But the Worst one I have to say was the year when I was about 10 years old and I received a Dickie...

a white cotton turtleneck Dickie...don't be jealous ya'll

It was given to me by my grandmother and I still remember the tag

"HO HO HO - here's a dickie just for you..."

Seriously - what the hell did I do wrong that year...I thought I was a pretty good kid...but a Dickie that is worse than an orange and a bag of gold coins...hell I would have taken the Lifesaver Holiday storybook over a dickie...

Of course I am older now...and have moved on...

YEAH RIGHT...a freakin dickie

Postman - you are going to make me go postal...

So I have been waiting for a CD of pictures that my sister sent me... see it is part of another gift that i need to complete and mail out to the recipient so I need that CD...like 6 days ago

She mailed it last week and assured me that I should have it by Friday - Saturday at the latest...Friday came and went...I was out all day Saturday and arrived home to find a Ransom note in my mailbox

The CD is being held hostage by the US Postal Service...in order to Free the CD I have to pay .16 cents...

YES - they are holding my CD hostage for 16 lousy cents...

This is the first time they have actually held something for thier postal Ransom...in the past when I have had items arrive with postage due they simple put an envelope in my mailbox with the amount due...I put the money in the envelope and stick it back into my mailbox and everyone is happy.

NOW - momma ain't happy...

What happened?

I thought we had a beautiful relationship - one even bumped up a notch when we created a whole new paved driveway - far wider than our old one, smoothly paved with a parking pad...I know you use my driveway to turn your little mail trucks around and go back down the street...I have even seen you use my driveway as a "pow-wow" spot since you can fit 2 trucks across with room to spare...

And come on - you know I am good for the money...don't you see all the magazines and catalogs I receive in the mail... and you know the Santa and reindeer Poker playing inflatable just screams high class...

So today I have to trudge to the post office, pay my ransom to get my CD...then trudge back AGAIN later this week to mail the present that I needed the CD for...

BAAAAA HUMBUG....

ON A LIGHTER NOTE...

About 2 weeks ago I got my hair cut - being that i trust my hairdresser I told her - I want something fun and funky and easy to maintain - so she got out her scissors and a razor and went to town...and I liked the look...

when I actually have time to do it up right it sort of looks like Lisa Rinna's...of course to really look like hers I need the awesome Jonathan DIRT...but at $23 for a small bottle...well...

The other day I was rushing around and trying to get out the door with the wee ones when TW looked and me and exclaimed

"MOMMY - you look just like Troy"

Yes because I was so going for the Zac Efron look...well at least he is pretty - does that make me pretty...

Now if you put Zac's hair on Nikki Blonsky there to the left of him - then you would have a more accurate reflection of myself...only my boobs aren't as big...

All I DON'T want for Christmas

a Va-Jay-Jay pillow

Hummm I'll have to ask TC if I have roses "down there"

Enough said...

All I want for Christmas is...

well judging by my SPAM folder it must be a Penis Enlargement...

Yep - every day for the past week I have been recieving offers like this


Dr. Janna Blackman - ‎Christmas discount on penis enlargement.


Dr. Gina Hinkle - ‎Penis enlargement Christmas offer

I don't know about you...but I seem to be pretty happy with MY own personal penis size...

Maybe they have gift certificates...you know wouldn't that be a boost to your significant others self esteem...a gift certificate for a penis enlargement...

"But honey....it was on sale and I had a coupon"

More Elfin' going on

Your Elf Name Is...

Giggles Slave O' Santa

What's" Your Elf Name?

I am betting at this time - TC is seriously contemplating about legally changing his name to Santa

Seven Random things for a Boring Friday...

Hummmm thanks G-Man for making me think today…

• I have gnome addiction…there I said it – Garden gnomes rock my world…I have over a dozen of them in my garden…not to mention a few more small gnomes in my house…a Talking gnome, a Grow –a-Gnome and a Desktop gnome at work. I also own a Gnome shirt and Gnomey PJ’s

• Twins run in my family – when TC and I were discussing how many kids we wanted the chance of twins ruled our conversation…and lookey what we have…TWINS

• My college sorority nickname is “Spooge” – it really has nothing to do with spunk – well not really true…one of my pledge sisters mispronounced my last name as Semenguard…close but no cigar…and well the moniker was bestowed upon me by my “big” sister and really, really stuck…there were a vast number of people that didn’t know my real name…only knew me by Spooge

• I won a jello sucking contest in college…to this day there has not been another one – does that still make me the REIGNING champ?

• I have an addiction to Papercrafting…stamping, scrapbooking, decorative items…you name it…I love it

• The first boy I ever slept with the 1st night I met him is now my husband. (does that make me slightly less ho-ish that I did that since we did eventually got married?)

• I have a very dry and somewhat perverted sense of humor…most people either love me or hate me…much like Lady Sovereign (bonus points for those who know what the hell I am talking about...)

And as for Tagging people - I think a majority of people are blogged out cause of NABloMoBLOP…(see I am so tired I can’t even spell…)

So I give to you the MASSES (ha ha ha I crack myself up)…if you would like to play along – please go right ahead and drop me a line so I can link to your seven random items :)

This is why I try and hide the pens,,,,

So my In-laws came to visit last weekend before Thanksgiving...

My FIL is an "interesting" fellow...

One of his many, many, many, many - did I say many yet? "quirks" is underlining and circling random things in things he reads...

Before he arrived I put "my precious" (AKA People magazine) out of harms way...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for my newspaper

Is Christmas over yet?

So this morning TW crawled into bed with me and was talking all about how excited that she is for Christmas to come...

She was babbling on and I wasn't really paying attention until she got to the Guitar part...

See - she has been asking for a Guitar and being the nice mommy I am I bought her one...

Seeing that she is 6.5 I figured she was talking about a "REAL" Guitar and I bought her a brown kid sized one...

this morning she was talking all about how she can't wait to get her pink pretend guitar

Say What Willis?

Pink...Pretend...Guitar

so I asked her what would happen if Santa brought her a brown Guitar...

in no uncertain terms she told me that she would be sad because she wants a pink pretend guitar like Miranda...

Who the hell is Miranda...

come to learn it is some little girl that was in her Kindergarten class...

I told her how will Santa know you want a PINK one since all you have been asking for is a Guitar

"Oh he will know Mommy - he knows everything - just like God"

{banging my head....banging my head}

so what does a good mommy do- hop on E-bay and track down Pink Guitars and make TW SHOW "Santa" what she wants...

and what does she want - a Pink Princess Guitar...

THANK the lord that I saw one at Tuesday Morning on Black Friday with my mom...one call to my "Santa" and she put her shoes on and went out the door to see if there were any left...

and I am awaiting the call that will hopefully bring joy to my little girl in 30 days...

and I'm spent....

Finally back from the 'rents....

and realized I did actually blog while drunk - I re-read what I wrote and I think I did a damn fine job for not remembering that I actually blogged until I checked my e-mail this morning and saw a few of ya'll commented on it...

Had a great time - got some holiday shopping done...still looking for a few things - WHY WHY WHY in the world does PWG want a Jasmine costume for X-mas...riddle me this batman...

Oh well thank god for E-Bay

Happy Gobble Gobble - I'm drunk

I hope everyone had a great Gobble Gobble day - I will say right now that if words don't seem right I blame it all on the Thirsty Lizard brand of wine I have been imbibing...very good wine...considering my dad paid $2.79 for it...

Anyway I hope all had a great Turkey day...Personally I love Thanksgiving because it revolves around being with my family...annoying the crap out of each other and playing various games...

This year the game du jour is Catch Phase...cause where else can I see my mother making licking faces when she is trying to get people to guess "whiska lickens", my father sing Goodship Lollypop, and for me my proudest moment was saying "General - It's In My Butt" for Colin Powell.

fun times...fun times

This morning my mom, sis and I went to some various places for Black Friday...my mother ran away from my Sis and I at Target at one point - you know if they put a whole endcap full of dancing holiday figures with buttons that say "Push Me" - welllllll we're going to push them...ALL OF THEM...

So to you and yours...have a happy happy happy weekend...

what, what I'm coming....

{the pumpkin pie is whispering ...."Cover me with whipped cream and eat me".....}

Gotta go....

Let's get our ELF on....

Ok so this is how it is going to work....a special thanks to Leona over at a great Forum board I am on for inspiring me to spread ELFIN' Cheer to all

I have been in contact with a few people...they will be getting a goodie in the mail from me...in exchange they have agreed to ELF someone else...

See where I am going with this...

SO - it is up to you my blog friends to spread the Elfin' Cheer

WHAT TO DO....

• Pick 2-3 or more people to ELF. Simple as that - you can choose people at random or hold a contest on your blog to see who gets to be ELFED. You will need to contact them for thier address if you don't have it.
  

• Send your ELF BUDDIES a small gift - it doesn't have to be much...a small gift card, a cute handmade item, a small bag of Holiday cookies - just about anything goes - remember tis the season to GIVE...

• Ask them to Elf it Forward
  

IF YOU BEEN ELFED

Copy and paste this little elf onto your blog so people can see that you have been ELFED

IF YOU ARE AN ELFER

Copy and past this little guy in your blog so everyone can see what a Great ELF you have been

Feel free to link back to this post when you spread your ELF Cheer around so they can be sure to get the Elf photos. Also let me know when you have posted either image on your blog - e-mail me at elffest2007@gmail.com (and no I don't need any Viagra and I am very satisfied with my Penis Size)

So let's go people....GET YOUR ELF ON!!!!

I'm going to be doing some ELFING....

That is sooooo right....

I am going to be doing some Elfing....and hopefully some of you will help me get the ball rolling...

Check back for more information in a bit...

In the meantime...Enjoy this little Elf dance I have for you...

CLICK ME

Just Another Manic Monday

A timeline of events so far

Greeted by my children at 6:25 this morning…hold a freakin sec…6:25 – WTF – why didn’t our alarms go off…we have three alarms set – Mine, TC and the girls…NONE of which went off – so crap on a stick we are late…

Send TC to the shower first since we are actually driving separately today (usually commute together)…while he is in the shower I head to the toilet well to you know…

Realize that a “friend” has come to visit two days early – commence cussing…

Still cussing when TC gets out of the shower – I go to grab a WaHoo plug only to find out the only ones I have left are “lite days” (God damn Tampax Variety Pack – more Supers less Lites) – while holding two I realize – hey two are about the size of 1 Super…then I have that ‘thought’…

You know the thought of “how would I explain myself if I wind up naked on an ER table” and decide 1 is enough…besides I have about 6 of them – that should last me oh about 2 hours…I am lamenting on the fact that all I have are “lite” ones when TC asks “Well won’t they work”

Umm yeah about as well as an umbrella hat in a hurricane

So I hurry and get in the shower and – oh I guess I should also tell you my in-laws who were suppose to head home Sunday afternoon are still at my house… - which makes everything just a bit more sweeter…

Get out of the shower and find that it is almost time to leave….that is if we hadn’t been awoken 25 minutes behind schedule…luckily TC was ready to go and took the girls with him…I didn’t even care that TW was totally mismatched and PWG was wearing her shitkickers with her dress…

So now it is me naked in a house alone with my In-laws…so not a good Monday morning…figure if I hurry and get dressed I can get out before they arise from their slumber…

Then I realize – AWWWW SHIT – I need dessert for TW Thanksgiving Feast…OK – so the grocery store is open…and I am going to be out of those ‘Lite” Wahoo plugs soon…

So I get dressed, run down the stairs and out the door…

Whew…no in-law sightings

Head to the grocery store where I pick up 2 boxes of brownie bites, 2 dozen mini cupcakes and a box of Tampax Supers…needless to say the checkout boy just took a look at what I was purchasing and was very nice to me…

Get in the car and realize – CRAP ON A FREAKIN STICK – the birthday card for a co-worker is sitting on my kitchen counter – in my haste to leave my house this morning I forgot it and since all my other co-workers needed to sign it back home I went….

Get back home and manage to run in quickly and grab the card – I heard stirring upstairs but I just ran as fast as my little pumped heeled feet would go…

Jump back in the car and head off to work – only to get stuck in traffic – main way into work is blocked by a big accident…so I have to go the long way around through the Ghetto…lock my doors and cross my fingers that all the drug dealers are asleep after a heavy night of dealing…

Finally get to work – only to realize that today is Flu Shot day and my appointment is NOW…so I rush upstairs to fill out the paperwork – what they want my employee number – I don’t know…so finally find it out when another co-worker tells me I need my insurance card…look and look through my purse – can’t find the freakin thing – call TC and tell him he needs to FAX me the card NOW….so I give one more look through and guess what I find…yep the damn card…

Run down and get my flu shot…

Then calm for a little while…then off to PWG Thanksgiving Feast…

Get out to my car and start heading toward the school – only to find my main way blocked by a cop car – WTF…ok maybe an accident – so I have to go the long way around to get on the interstate…so I am putzing along wondering “Humm why are there no cars coming from the other direction” – then BAM – lights and sirens everywhere…do you want to know who F’ed up my way – the President of the United States…damn that man…apparently he is in town for something or other – I don’t care - he added 5 minutes on to my travel time – hella pissed.

Finally get to the school and sign in and make my way to the class room…where I learned that while PWG did inherit my creativity…she also inherited my gracefulness and managed to trip and send her plate flying everywhere…luckily most everything but the mashed potatoes were solid and stayed in thier lump like forms. After lunch I asked the room mother if there was anything I could help with…

SO SO SO should not of said anything…cause I then spent the next 10 minutes gluing Walnuts on potatoes…

Let me say this again…gluing walnuts on potatoes…

All this by 12:30…

Wonder what the rest of the afternoon will bring…

All I know is when I get home my In-laws better be gone or I am camping at the local Red Roof Inn tonight…

how sad

this is my 150th post....

but I don't have time to do it justice...

really need to hit the sheets been a long day....

Totally useless fact for today : Groundhogs can whistle.

so tired...

spent all day at a craft fair peddling my wares....

made enough to cover TC's X-mas present...

going to bed now...

So how do you explain....

Yesterday TC and I were watching the local news during dinner, before a commercial break they gave a snippit of what was to come...

a story about a Transgender individual who is complaining that the prison isn't giving him the "protection" he needs. {Personally if he didn't break the law he wouldn't be in jail...now would he}
so they showed a few pictures and then we got the question

"Is that a boy or a girl?"

TC looked at me and said "This is all you."

I just looked down and concentrated very hard on eating my fish and veggies hoping it would go away...

TC was looking around - I thought he was looking for the remote so he could change the channel

No such luck

The news came back on and went right to the story...the girls ran up and kept looking at the pictures and debating with each other if it was a boy or a girl...

TC kept looking at me...

I took the wuss way out and asked if anyone wanted a cookie...

Cause the lure of a cookie takes all the attention away from the she-male on TV...

ummm - OK

So I just went to go pick my daughters up from afterschool care...an hour early...

I came home without them.

They didn't want to leave - they were having to much fun.

Good thing the place is only a minute from my house...

Now on to vacuum in preparation for in the in-laws {cue scary Halloween type scream}

Maybe they will be ready to leave in another 40 minutes?

THURSDAY SHOUT-OUT - go and check out G-man's blog - not only is he a fine PIM husband...but he actually comments on my blog - which shows at least one person reads it :)

I feel so dirty....

So last night I went to a bra fitting event at our local Nordstroms with a group I belong to.

It was well ummm an interesting experience…

First they had one of their stylists come and tell our group of about 15 women (all of whom have either twins or triplets) about this season latest fashion “trends”…

I am so hoping these particular trends don’t stay around long because they are scary…

Let me highlight a few

Patent Leather…yes patent leather shoes in a myrid of colors….great if you are in the 8-12 year old set but considering I am considerably older not really my cup of tea.

Puffed sleeves…ACK…throw in some plaid and you will have all the shirts I wore in the 2nd grade…bonus points for adding in a lace collar

Clutches – I did ask how as mothers we would hold the clutches and our 2+ children and I lamented on the fact that they didn’t seem to have any pockets to hold a sippy cup nor a bag of goldfish crackers…the stylist informed us that clutches were great for when we went out for dinner…that got a big chuckle…somehow I think if I walked into Red Robin with a beaded clutch that would be a little overkill

Jackets with ¾ sleeves – now don’t get me wrong being as I have the arms of a T-rex I enjoy the ¾ sleeves style on shirts…but jackets…really you are giving me less fabric and charging me more money?

Peep-toe shoes – WITH hose…ummm I am not a toe lover…and I really don’t want to look down and see someone with peep-toe shoes with their toes stuck in a lycra prison all mashed together…and you know someone is going to take it a step further and wear some sort of reinforced granny stocking with their peep-toes and then play it off by saying “it’s the TREND”

Knits…knits and more freakin’ knits…my ass looks like two ripe cantaloupes…knits are NOT my friend people…

I did like the fact that the “in colors’ are Gray and Raspberry/Cranberry as I personally love Gray…now that is the one “trend” that can stick around

And on to the bra fitting…since there were about 15 of us and only about 4 “fitters” I had to wait my turn so a friend and I scouted out what Nordstrom’s had to offer…

We came across these…which will now be forever known in my mind as either the “Pica-cu Peek-a-boos” or the “Va-jay-jay Voyeurs” – I haven't decided which name I like better. Obviously with all those ruffles they are meant for one thing only – to proudly envelope and display your muff in a see through mesh served with a garnish of ruffles.

I did enjoy these panties from Juicy Couture… the problem I have with them is the writing is on the back - I don’t know about you – but if I am going to cover some part of my body with the words “Eat Candy” my ass would not be the first place I choose to put it…now Juicy slap that saying on the front and I would buy them – just for the shear laughs it would get in the bedroom…

Then it was time for my bra fitting…went back with a very nice gal…got naked from the waist up…she looked and measured and then told me my size…which was the same size I have been wearing all along…I felt so dirty…I gave this other woman a glimpse of the girls for basically nothing… When I told TC this his only response was “Was she hot?” - Typical

And since I was there I felt I HAD to buy something…you know like when you are invited to a home party and the hostess says “Oh just come and hang out you don’t have to buy anything” – yeah right…if you go you are buying something…

So I scouted about…skirting past the $110 bras…and found the I-Bra …so $53 later my evening was complete…

Yes $53 for a bra…that is the MOST I have ever spent on any sort of undergarment that only myself, my husband and MAYBE Emergency Medical Personnel might see – but I have to say…it is damned comfortable and the girls are snuggled up like two newborn puppies....