My Husband is Leaving Me...

and taking the kids with him....

I should have about 48 hours to myself - alone in my house...

Now I have had this happen before - the last time was a few years ago...during which about hour 2 of my aloneness my stomach started to twitch...and not in an excited good way...but rather a "got hit by a bus" way...and I spent most of my weekend alone alternating between my bed and the bathroom.

But not this weekend by golly...I resolve not to eat sushi this weekend...

What I do resolve to do is some crafting....some Wii'ing....some Chick Flickin'

So very glorious...no one to tell to brush thier teeth....no one to argue over what time bedtime is...no one to force "just one more bite of dinner"....

I sort of miss them already...sort of...

And the season begins...

Well Turkey Day is over….

I got a chance to spend my holiday with my children, my parents, my sister and my brother-in-law. Third Child decided to head to his parents this holiday since his brother and sister-in-law were coming in for a visit (and only informed us of this plan about 10 days prior – hence why we separated for the holiday)

I have a lot to be thankful for – I have a roof over my head, a good job surrounded by some great people, my daughters are happy and healthy and flourishing in school, the puppy has stopped chewing everything she can get close to her mouth and at the end of the month the bills are paid and lo and behold there is even a bit left over…so for that in this day and age I am thankful.

Every holiday season we get a ton of mail from all sorts of charities – now I will say we are decent givers – I do like to sponsor friends and family when they do various fundraisers, walks, etc… and during the holiday season we pick a few names from our churches Angel Tree and {hopefully} bring a little joy for a little while to those children who make do with so much less.

This year I have decided to pick a different Charity each week of December that means something to me and hope that my gift this holiday season might make a small bit of difference.

This week I am donating to the VCU Massey Cancer Center . I have dealt with family and friends who have fought battles with cancer – Pancreatic, Breast, Colon, among others…some have won their battles…my parents among them – other family and friends were not as lucky as my parents. There are a variety of cancer charities out there – some deal directly with research, others deal with clinical trials, while others assist people living with cancer. I choose Massey because they do all the above and then some…the center is also right in my town – so the money I choose to donate may just help people I know and love.

OK on to CRAFTING…

A while ago I cam across a website that had a fantastic tutorial for making a half apron from one simple dish/tea towel…I thought I saved the link, but alas I did not…when I went back to try and GOOGLE it – well there are A LOT of different variations of a dish/tea towel apron…and I have yet to find it again (but on the upside I did find some more FABULOUS crafty sites…more to come on that later….)

So here I started with my raw materials…I failed to take step by step picture thinking I would be able to find that darn tutorial…when I do find it I will be sure to post it….

1 tea towel bought at Homegoods for about $4 (2 per pack)
20 inches of red gingham fabric (Four 5" strips)

Because I failed to find the Apron tutorial again after I first found it I had to wing it…

UPDATE - I found the blog again - here is the Tutorial from V and Co.

First thing I did was cut the red gingham fabric into 4 strips 5” wide (ok I didn’t cut this when I was at the fabric store I asked them to cut them into 5” strips for me…this worked out well since they have the nice big tables used for cutting – all the better to get straight lines) – I sewed 2 strips together to make one long strip….and then sewed the other 2 together to make another long strip – then placed then together (one good thing about the gigham fabric I used – no wrong side) and sewed at a 1/4 inch all the way around – leaving one end open…turn inside out – iron it and sew up the end…now you have your tie.

Next I took the tea towel – laid it out and folded it in half with the good sides facing each other – I then brought down one side so it was touching the fold and pinned and ironed it flat so the folds were nice and crisp.

Since my tea towel had red accents I choose to use red thread – starting at the top I sewed down each side and across the bottom – this left me with one big pocket on the front – I then used the fold lines in the towel and starting at the bottom sewed up to the fold to create 3 pockets out of the one big pocket.

Then I laid my tie out and placed the top edge of my towel in the middle of the tie and folded it over the top, pinned and then sewed the tie to the towel – I did sew both the bottom and the top of the tie…

And then I was done…

Here is PWG modeling the finished product – I will say the ties are long enough for a more slender woman than my pleasantly plump self to cross around back and tie in the front. You can also see TW holding up the basic tea towel before all the craftyness ensued.


Next project is inspired by the posts at Somewhat Simple on Sunday – I found a tutorial for a very simple wreath on another site (to be named when I show my completed project) – but for now I give you just a small taste…

Umm yeah I love going to the In-laws...

so very NOT!!!!

That is not to say I dislike my in-laws...separately they are very nice people...

Together - well imagine the Constanzas from Seinfield and the Barones from Everybody Loves Raymond had children....those children would be in in-laws...

the best conversation of the weekend was

MIL: Sometimes you are such a Baby

FIL: Sometimes you are an Asshole

Yes my FIL called my MIL an asshole...my SIL and I gave each other the look of "Did he really just call MIL an asshole???"

yes...yes he did

and how did the argument start...over the proper way to dry the dishes...

joy

when your SO is a hunter....

When I first meet TC I had no idea of the sheer magnitude of his love for hunting...part of it might have been the ban against firearms in dorm rooms...

As we started getting serious I got a peek into the madness that is hunting...

Now I must confess I did take a shooting class in college...which I took with 4 of my sorority sisters...(after which the teacher made a ruling stating no more than 2 sorority sisters per any one of his classes...I have to admit that was a wise decision on his part cause 5 giggly girls with firearms is a bit of a hazard...) - when TC and I were living in sin he joined a shooting club and on occassion I went with him...

oh yeah the rush of something long and hard in your hands...anyway I digress....

Anyway I soon learned my scheduale would be arranged around hunting seasons...deer, turkey, other small rodent like creatures...and for the most part I don't mind...

The thing is now that we have Uber-cable and now have access to 27 different outdoor and hunting type channels TC can fuel his hunting madness basically 24/7...and that is rubbing off on the girls...

The other day I came home to TC and the girls sitting watching TV...

Spongebob - Nope
Hannah Montanta - Nope
iCarly - Nope

but rather some hunting show where they were going after bears....

so the guy has this poor bear lined up in his sites and I hear a little voice saying "Shoot...shoot....shoot" and then the poor bear falls to the ground and I hear the same voice saying "Yeahhhhhhh"

I look over and see PWG pumping her little fists in the air

Seriously....I asked her if she understood the poor bear was dead...she looks at me with those blue eyes and says "no they didn't Daddy told me it's all pretend"

I just didn't say a word....

BTW - if you have ever had reason to come across a "Hunter Dan" doll (see picture above) TC bares a freaky resemblance to the doll - goatee and all...to wit we currently have 2 Hunter Dan dolls in our midst...they usually hang out with the Barbies (and never turn thier backs on Ken {wink, wink}) The one of the best scenes ever was PWG with about 6 NAKED barbies all fanned out in a semi circle...while she "walked" a Hunter Dan doll around them...I asked "What are you doing" - her response "He's looking for a girlfriend"

****************************************************************
Hunting conversation from the dinner table

PWG: Daddy, have you ever killed a rabbit?
TC: Yep
PWG: what about a squirral?
TC: Yep
PWG: Yeah Mommy's killed one too...she hit it with the car and then said "Oh Crap"

Karma's a Bitch

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work I heard commotion downstairs…

TC was yelling raising his voice at PWG.

I go downstairs and ask what all the fuss was about

TC: I gave PWG a pair of socks like a minute ago and now she can’t find them.
ME: and
TC: How do you loose a pair of socks in a minute’s time?
ME: She’s six…what do you expect…she has the attention span of a goldfish.
TC: She really needs to pay attention.
ME: whatever.... remember one day you'll be old and decript and forget where you put things

Fast forward to last night…after dinner TC got changed so he could do some yardwork…he came downstairs with a pair of socks in his hand {you know where this is going right?} I was enjoying being read to by TW who was telling me all about the making of Mt Rushmore.

About 2 minutes later out of the corner of my eye I see TC roaming about the downstairs

ME: Whatcha doing?
TC: {grumble, grumble} Looking for my socks
ME: Didn’t you JUST have them a minute ago
TC: {grumble, grumble} yes
ME: like daughter, like old father

Don't forget to play along to LAST Fridays Fun - there are still a few quotes that haven't been guessed...and if you put movie quotes in your blog let me know and I will link ya up :)

This is why I try and hide the pens,,,,

So my In-laws came to visit last weekend before Thanksgiving...

My FIL is an "interesting" fellow...

One of his many, many, many, many - did I say many yet? "quirks" is underlining and circling random things in things he reads...

Before he arrived I put "my precious" (AKA People magazine) out of harms way...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for my newspaper

Happy Gobble Gobble - I'm drunk

I hope everyone had a great Gobble Gobble day - I will say right now that if words don't seem right I blame it all on the Thirsty Lizard brand of wine I have been imbibing...very good wine...considering my dad paid $2.79 for it...

Anyway I hope all had a great Turkey day...Personally I love Thanksgiving because it revolves around being with my family...annoying the crap out of each other and playing various games...

This year the game du jour is Catch Phase...cause where else can I see my mother making licking faces when she is trying to get people to guess "whiska lickens", my father sing Goodship Lollypop, and for me my proudest moment was saying "General - It's In My Butt" for Colin Powell.

fun times...fun times

This morning my mom, sis and I went to some various places for Black Friday...my mother ran away from my Sis and I at Target at one point - you know if they put a whole endcap full of dancing holiday figures with buttons that say "Push Me" - welllllll we're going to push them...ALL OF THEM...

So to you and yours...have a happy happy happy weekend...

what, what I'm coming....

{the pumpkin pie is whispering ...."Cover me with whipped cream and eat me".....}

Gotta go....

So how do you explain....

Yesterday TC and I were watching the local news during dinner, before a commercial break they gave a snippit of what was to come...

a story about a Transgender individual who is complaining that the prison isn't giving him the "protection" he needs. {Personally if he didn't break the law he wouldn't be in jail...now would he}
so they showed a few pictures and then we got the question

"Is that a boy or a girl?"

TC looked at me and said "This is all you."

I just looked down and concentrated very hard on eating my fish and veggies hoping it would go away...

TC was looking around - I thought he was looking for the remote so he could change the channel

No such luck

The news came back on and went right to the story...the girls ran up and kept looking at the pictures and debating with each other if it was a boy or a girl...

TC kept looking at me...

I took the wuss way out and asked if anyone wanted a cookie...

Cause the lure of a cookie takes all the attention away from the she-male on TV...

The Insanity never ends

Ummm ok – my kids are going to make me go insane…I AM going to wind up like my mother and my grandmother …

So this morning TW hops out of bed and gets dressed…I tell her “Go down and give Murphy (the dog) some food”…so away she goes…

Meanwhile PWG is sitting on the toilet…trying to decide between 2 pairs of underwear.

Have I mentioned at this point we are 10 minutes behind our usual morning scheduale.

So I have to say “please PWG – just pick a pair of underwear” to which I am told “It’s a delicate decision” – really a delicate decision? And what 6 year old talks like that…”delicate decision”

From downstairs I hear and anguished cry….so I fly down the stairs to see TW with tears rolling down her face…whatever could be the matter….through her tears I get this

TW: Murphy already has food.
ME: Well just give her some more
TW: NOOOOOOOOO then she will have too much
ME: Fine than don’t feed her
TW: But I WANT to feed her
ME: Do you want me to dump all the food in the bag? Hold On “PWG – please stop dancing around in your underwear with the cat and get dressed”
TW: NOOOOOOO

Ok – then there was a whole meltdown conversation about what color socks TW should wear this morning…

We are now 15 minutes behind schedule…

PWG comes down dressed and goes out to the garage…meanwhile TW is having another meltdown because I am not helping her get her socks and shoes on…never mind had I OFFERED to help her I would have been on the receiving end of a “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” melt down…you know damned if you do damned if you don’t…

So I helping TW get her socks and shoes on when I hear banging…PWG had managed to lock herself out of the house in the garage…

ME: Hold on PWG
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: I SAID Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: For the love of all that is good and holy…{mutter some choice words under my breath}

At this point PWG gave up and crawled through the doggy door…

And then….this occurred

PWG: Murphy doesn’t have any food.
TW: Yes she does.
PWG: No she doesn’t.
TW: PWG did you put Murphy’s food back in the bag?
PWG: Yes so you could feed Murphy this morning like you wanted to. {bless her little heart}
TW: {cue tears} But I was getting used to the idea that she had food….now I HAVE to feed her.

SERIOUSLY

I. AM. GOING. INSANE.

So 20 minutes late and 3 notches more insane I finally made it out of my house this morning…

What I am thankful for today: I am thankful that PWG shows such love to her sister.

Three Little Words

I had to say the three little words every wife hates to utter…but every husband loves to hear….

YOU. WERE. RIGHT.

I think certain men take wonderful glee when their wives admit that they are right…because it happens so infrequently…

Now that is not to say that wives are right all the time…it’s just that most men tread very carefully about whether or not to pursue a “I’m Right” argument…cause they like sex too much…

But every once in a while us women do back down and admit that we are wrong or perhaps…we have come upon one of those 2% of situations where our husbands are actually …well, Right.

How did this come about…well, see I grew up in a “county” type area where there was really no crime. For awhile when I was younger my mother “hid” our spare key on a hook next to the door…let me repeat this – ON A HOOK. NEXT TO THE DOOR. – yes I really don’t understand why you would bother to lock your door, but nonetheless – later on she hid it in one of those “realistic” looking rocks…oh what a beautiful flowerbed with one lonely rock right in the middle…Clever, no…

Anyway TC grew up with everything having to be locked behind him…

So we have this on-going argument because I “forget” to lock the car that resides in the driveway…a quirk of my upbringing. He always gets after me because I fail to lock the door…My response is usually “We live in a nice neighborhood - nobody’s going to break into our car”

WELLLL….on Friday evening we turn on the news – at first I am not paying attention to it until I look up and what do I spy….MY HOUSE….ON TV – WTF – why is my house on TV….so I am straining to hear what the newscaster is saying while PWG and TW are jumping around shouting “our house is on TV…our house is on TV”…turns out there has been a rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood and a few other subdivisions…since we reside on a main intersection with the big neighborhood sign in the corner of our yard they filmed footage of our house to go along with the story…

We later learned from some neighbors that the cars weren’t “broken” into …but rather the cars were left unlocked in the driveways and somebody helped themselves items in the car….so upon learning that I uttered those three little words….

YOU WERE RIGHT

Bloggin- Day 2

Cause I joined NaBloPoMo it is requiring me to write everyday...

I've gotta tell you people ...just like sex - some days it ain't going to pretty, some days it ain't going to be long, some days it's going to be downright messy...but some days, some days...it will be very sweet and if I dare say...orgasmic (in a funny ha ha..BTDT way)

today I'm just going to Wham Bam Thank You Maam'

I give you

PantyWad Girl posing as a Witch....

and

Toothless Wonder as a beautiful Butterfly...

If you can't find me look under the pile of magazines...

So TC and I are pretty avid readers….ummm Ok I am a pretty avid reader. I am one of THOSE people that always needs something…I need a magazine, a book, the radio or the TV on…I NEED distraction of some sort…

So to begin with we had a few magazine subscriptions each…some because they are our holy grail of magazines (ummm…People)…some because they come with someone’s NRA membership (ummm American Rifleman) and mainly ordering them when a nice special came our way.

Until recently we had a small stream of magazines coming our way

People
American Rifleman
Family Fun
Good Housekeeping
Richmond Magazine (local)
Maxim
Playboy (hey they do have good articles…if you can get past the T&A)
Deer Hunter (something like that…has pictures of dead animals on the cover)

THEN….

See TC had some “points” on his AMEX credit card…they were getting ready to expire but he didn’t have enough for something good – like a $25 gift card to Chili’s – so they offered us magazine subscriptions in exchange for points…after slogging through the multitude of nursing magazines they offered (WTF is up with that…how many nursing magazines are there…LPN, Nursing, American Journal of Nursing, Men in Nursing, etc…) and finding that they don’t really offer any of the magazines that I would enjoy (In Style, Glamour, TV Guide) we just started circling….

And the magazines have started arriving…

So far…

Conde Nast Traveler
Money
Cigar Aficianado
Details
Wired

TC swears we circled AT LEAST 7 to 8 magazines…so who knows how many more will arrive on our doorstep….

So we are up to at least 13 magazines per month…with how many more on the horizon???

Add in the 4-8 catalogs from various mail order companies that we receive in a weeks time…

Pretty soon we should be able to build a nice addition…built entirely of magazines…that is if the stacks don’t crush us first….

It's not trash...

So yesterday I got home from work late...I managed to have 3 minutes alone in my house before TC, PWG and TW came bursting through the door from religious ed.

Then I was introduced to "Casey"...

Some kids have imaginary friends...my kid builds a "robot" out of discarded food boxes.

I'll have to admit he was pretty sweet...especially since his main body was a Fruit snackers box...but apparently much like Cherry Darling Casey can kick some ass with his Winchester rifle shell box arm...

This morning as I was gently telling (ha ha ha) my kiddos to get in the car - PWG told me I had to wait because "Casey" had to go to his school...flung on all the lights in the front room and propped him up next to Dancing Elmo (who I now refer to as Stroke victim Elmo being that his battery is slowly running out...his dancing moves are pretty jerky and you can't understand all the words)

ME: PWG please turn off the lights
PWG: Then Casey can't see
ME: Didn't you build him with see in the dark vision
PWG: Yes I did - thanks for remindin' me momma

and the lights go off...

QOTD: Just remember if the world didn't suck we would all fall off

What a lot of anger at a boy and alcohol can do…

Yesterday I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with TC…I am sure some of you are wondering how we met…

I was but a mere freshman in college and I had gone to a mixer between my sorority and a fraternity…That night I was VERY pissed off – you see because most guys are A-holes – I had been seeing a boy on and off for a few months when we first met he told me he had a girlfriend and I told him I wasn’t into relationship wrecking so I told him we could be “friends” – so about 3 weeks of being a “friends” he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend so we then turned our relationship up a notch…{Note to you single gals – think twice before becoming involved with someone nicknamed “Spanky”} after 3 weeks I learn that he hadn’t broken it off with his girlfriend and had decided to transfer to be with her so I was NOT in a good mood, in fact I was Hella-pissed

Because I was not in a good mood I decided to imbibe some alcohol to “soothe my nerves” – I drank enough to be considered oh drunk but not to far gone as to swallow goldfish, like some of my other sorority sisters…

After the mixer a FRAT BOY took a bunch of us to another party – my sorority sisters were very drunk and singing “I want to be a cowgirl” at the top of their lungs – I was a bit tipsy but no where near as far gone as they were so I moved to the front of the pack and said to the FRAT BOY I don’t want to be associated with them…on to the party, the FRAT BOY and I started talking and then we started dancing and then we started kissing and then the cops showed up so we all dispersed…

FRAT BOY invited me back to his room and well…..(don’t judge – it was the first time I had done anything like that so quickly…) well the next morning I went home and FRAT BOY came by to visit a few times during that week but I wasn’t really interested since I basically just wanted to ‘use’ him and toss him aside since that is the way I felt the A-HOLE guy I dumped did to me…Anyway the next weekend I met a boy who I ended up dating for a year…

Fast forward to my junior year – I had broken up with my boyfriend that summer and was raring to have fun and party away…well FRAT BOY had spent the previous semester in Army reserve training and he saw me from across the campus and came over to talk with me…I was nice and talked to him for a little while – well over the next 2 weeks I noticed where ever I was he seemed to be there (small campus) too….

Well I ended up going to one of his fraternity parties about 3 weeks into the semester looking for some friends of mine – the friends weren’t there but he saw me and offered me a beer so I said OK (cause really what college co-ed is going to turn down free beer) but I had to go to the bar to see if my friends were there so he walked me to the bar – my friends were there but thought I had come with FRAT BOY so they left without me…

so FRAT BOY said he would walk me home, when we are almost to my house he asks if I want to come to his place – OH I WENT OFF ON HIM – I accused him if stalking me and said the only reason he wanted me to come back to his place was for ‘some action’ and that I might have been stupid once but I have wised up….well he took offense and said he really liked me and just wanted to talk more and get to know me (gee, since we didn’t really do that the first time around)….so I went back to his place and talked all night long…we have been together ever since….and oh it took a loooooooooooooooooooooong while before he saw ‘action’ a second-time round….

As far as my daughters will know – we met at some very nice, no alcohol allowed party at college and were chaperoned on every date until our wedding night :)

For our 10th anniversary we went to out to see a great comedian – Robert Schimmel Who during his act had a bit about Merkins…oh sweat mother of Merkin…there are some strange strange jobs out there…

What do you do for a living?

Oh I make Beaver Covers…

Now if there were to make them out of say…fruit roll-ups then I could sort of see the value of them…cause for your partner they could have a tasty little snack while making you well….


P.S. - it doesn't matter if I am 33 years old...it doesn't matter if I have 2 kids...it doesn't matter if it is MY house....it doesn't matter if I am tipsy - I am still not doing the deed with my mother in the next room....

1st grade is confounding me...

so the girls are in 1st grade and so far it has been quite an education for me...and let me preface this with the fact that I have a BS and a MS.

two weeks ago they were talking about Ordinals...

huh...what Ordinals???...so I had to have THEM - yes THEM - 6 year old 1st graders explain what an Ordinal was...once they explained it I knew exactly what they were just didn't remember the "offical" name for them...

How many of you are going to go and google ordinals now because you don't know what I am talking about?

They have been working on knowing the different "types" of species - Mammal, Reptile, Amphibians, ect...now let me tell you my BS is a degree in Biology - where I had to take courses dealing with Zoology...I will soon show you how much that Degree has come in handy (*note the sarcasm)

So yesterday while up on a mountaintop picking apples PWG and TW started talking about how differnt animals have babies...the conversation started because TC warned them about stepping in a Groundhog hole (which BTW was as big as my children...I would hate to see the size of the groundhog that dug that hole)...so they started talking about how a groundhog is a mammal and they have babies that are born alive...(Luckly they haven't asked HOW those babies get out considering I have told them a Dr. cut me open to get them out and they have seen one of those "I'm having a Baby shows" that featured a C-section...which I told them to look at the TV to re-iterate what i had told them...I am sure that little incidence will be brought up many years from now when they are in theraphy...)...

Anyway the conversation about groundhogs lead to how other things have babies

Fish - lay eggs = CHECK
Frogs - Lay eggs = CHECK
Badgers - have live babies = CHECK (Yes PWG brought up Badgers?? what a random animal)
Mermaids - have live babies = CHECK (I didn't have the heart to tell TW that mermaids aren't real)
Mommies - have live babies = CHECK

then the question...the question that left both TC and I dumbfounded???

Where do snails come from?

ummm - hummmm - wellllll

TC and I looked at one another and I guessed that they lay eggs but that I wasn't sure...

Then TW asked

Where do their shells come from?

Hummm - ummmmm

All I have to say is THANK GOD for Google....

Everything you wanted to know about SNAILS...hermaphroditism and all

We all have Issues....

I certainly have a lot of issues myself…but now that I am a mother I wonder how much of that was ingrained in me from my mother and how much was just my own natural ways of dealing with things…

I ask this because I do believe I have made PWG addicted to pantyliners.

She is 6 years old.

See it all started about a year ago…she wet her bed in the middle of the night for the first time in a long time…I guess the stress of worrying if she was going to wet the bed again caused her to develop Pollakiuria

She was going to the bathroom a few times an hour…one time on 10 minute “I know exactly what I need” trip to Target we visited the bathroom 3 times…her issues lasted about 3-4 months before finally waning.

But the offshoot of the Pollakiuria episode

DROPS

Yes drops of urine that happen in her panties…she can’t stand them and now has a habit of changing her underwear 2-3x’s a day because of “drops” – I have tried to explain to her that if she is afraid of a little moisture now – she was going to be a wreck once she has children but being 6 she doesn’t quite understand that.

Oh yes the pantyliners…

One day as I was dropping off TW and PWG off at before school care and PWG got this wild look in her eyes and hissed “DROPS”…and told me she needed a new pair of underwear…being that I was already late to work I told her to “deal” – apparently that didn’t cut it and a temper tantrum ensued…being that I am not MacGyver and can not create a new pair of panties out of a quarter and a Chiclet I did the next best thing…drug her into the bathroom and did the “folded toilet paper” trick and stuck it in her panties.

That was all fine and good until 2-3 days later and she came to me one evening and told me she had “drops” and wanted some toilet paper in her panties…I rolled my eyes and as I did they hit on my box of pantyliners…

Thus an addiction was born…

Now she doesn’t want them everyday…but I have a feeling next time I go to the warehouse store I will be buying that BIG-ASS box of 500 liners…

Any guesses as to how I will ruin my children next?

I shoulda' drank more in college

And oh yeah try those mushrooms I was offered one evening…

Cause I would probably be rich right now.

Having 6.5 year old twins I have seen more than my fair share of childrens programming in the last 6 years…

I am very thankful that I gave birth on the tail end of the “BARNEY” era…although I did wind up smack in “THE WIGGLES” generation…which after awhile your mind becomes numb to the music and you can’t help but hum “cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti”

There are some weird shows out there and some shows that leave you scratching your head – Like the Tellytubbies and their wacko cousins the Boobahs…

But the other day I saw a show where all I could do was slightly mouth to Third Child “what the F#$@”

And that show is OOBI…

If you haven’t seen it – let me fill you it – it is a bunch of people with eyeballs on their hands…yes eyeballs on their hands…occasionally other accessories pop up – wigs, capes, bows…but the basics are a hand and eyeballs…

All I can think is the creator was sitting around with his “bros” one evening high on something or other and staring at his hand….

“Dude wouldn’t it be cool if my hand had eyeballs?”

OOBI is born…and now has a show on Noggin…

I am seriously thinking about getting myself a pair of OOBI EYES…and dressing up for Halloween this year…humm I wonder if they have a little bottle of Valium or a bottle of Jack as accessories.

Monkeys and Tampons - Oh My

The other day Third Child and I were either watching some show or listening to something on the radio - I am not really sure as my days go by in a blur…

Anyhoo – the point of what we heard was about MONKEYS

And how monkeys can be trained to do certain things…

Open the fridge and bring you a drink
Get a book from a shelf
Help you with your shopping
Insert a feeding tube

Now I DID NOT make that last one up…they seriously talked about how a MONKEY can be trained to insert a feeding tube…and since TC heard the same thing I did I know it wasn’t a fanatical musing of my brain (Hey wouldn’t it be cool if Monkeys could insert feeding tubes)

My question is what would possess someone to allow a MONKEY to insert a feeding tube… if I was medical personal that received specialized training in inserting feeding tubes I would be dumbfounded…

“What inserting feeding tubes…what’s so hard about that…it’s so easy a monkey can do it….”

So lately every conversation Third Child and I have had I have been trying to sneak in Monkeys

“Gee I can’t quite reach the top shelf …if we had a monkey he could get that down for me”

{sitting on couch} “Gee I would really like a cold beverage but I don’t want to get up…if we had a monkey I wouldn’t have to get up”

Then we had a conversation that went something like this

ME: I think it would be cool to have a monkey – it could grow old with us and when we were feeble it could insert our feeding tubes
TC: You know Monkeys throw their shit…
ME: You have monkey wear a diaper.
TC: If you were so feeble to need a monkey to insert a feeding tube who the hell would change the monkeys diapers?
ME: hummm good question

Almost as stupid as our Turtle conversation.

I did try to find out more information at www.ask.com... I typed in “Monkeys inserting feeding tubes” into the search box and this is what I got

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Inserting Ivs
Inserting a Tampon
Girl Inserting a Tampon
Video of Women Inserting a Tampon
Inserting a Catheter
Insert a Tampon in My Daughter
Inserting Suppositories
Tampon Inserting Photographs
Tampon Inserting Stories

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Remove Feeding Tubes
Tube Feedings
Nasogastric Tubes
Vibrating Tampons

Now if someone can tell be what feeding tube inserting Monkeys have to do with tampons…I would be a strangely informed woman…

BTW I clicked on the last thing “Vibrating Tampons” and found THIS

from feeding tube inserting monkeys to vibrating tampons…

discuss amongst yourselves

ISO - Strap-on Vagina

Yeah I know I have been gone…been in a rut with the end of summer/beginning of school – I will try my best to give the few of you who do partake and choose to read my blog a glimpse into my life a bit more often…

Ok does anyone know where I might purchase a Strap-on Vagina…

Because I am thinking that my vagina is the beacon in our house…

The “beacon” you say?

Yes the beacon that somehow radiates to my children that I am the only one that can seem to do anything for them…(I also believe it puts out a weird vibe that causes freaky foreign guys to hit on me in bars…but that could just be my big-ass badonkadonk).

DH to TW : Let me brush your hair
TW: No I want Momma to do it

DH to PWG: Let me tuck you into bed
PWG: No I want Momma to do it

DH to TW and PWG : Let’s do your homework
TW & PWG: We want Momma to help us

I am thinking if I can get a strap-on one for DH it might make my life a little easier because then maybe he would have a vagina beacon that would radiate that he can in fact brush hair, tuck the kids in and can do 1st grade math with ease.


GLIMPSE INTO MY LIFE

So I am driving on some god-forsaken errand and glance in my rear-view mirror and see TW and PWG stretched between their carseats mouths open and tongues touching.

ME: Um girls what are you doing
PWG: We're french kissing

in 15 years at a college bar that trick is going to get them a lot of free drinks...

Whats in a Name?

My girls are 6 years old…you would think by now they would know the proper names for certain areas of their bodies…

They don’t.

It is not because I don’t want to teach them the proper names…they just have never asked…

The area in question has been called a lot of things around our house…(mainly whispered between Third Child and I)

Pu-tang
Berry Free Zone
Va-jay-jay
Akav (aaaaa-kav) – Area Known as Vagina
Nether regions
Private area

Lately I have just been calling it - HOO-HOO (who-who)

“Scrub your hoo-hoo girls…get it good and clean”

The other day TW and PWG wanted to play in their kiddie pool in the backyard…if it meant me not having to deal with the bathtub + tiring them out – no brainer…

So PWG comes inside, dries off and strips to her skivvies…she comes to me bearing Princess Panties and asks me to put them on her…and the conversation went a little something like this

ME: - Hold on before you put those on it looks like you have a piece of grass near your HOO-HOO (grab a tissue and get the grass)
PWG: Is that what it is really called?
ME: What?
PWG: HOO-HOO – is that it’s real name?
ME: - ummmm, wellll – no it is called a Vagina…
PWG: Vagina…oh I like HOO HOO better.

Long live the HOO-HOO