Well Yes...I have lost some weight...

So I got out of my bed and peed (because urine does weigh something) and stepped on the scale…

I saw a number and thought to myself – “THAT can not be right”

So I got off – took out the battery – put it back in brushed off the bottom of the scale – and stepped back on….the same number popped up

WTF

So just then TW stumbled into my room – I had her come and stand on the scale

44

Hummm TW gained a pound?

So that means my number MUST be right!

I LOST THREE POUNDS!!

{Imagine a chubby girl doing the Robot}

So I am down 10 pounds

This has really driven my momentum…now I must keep it up….

What I did this week:

• really watched what I ate this week – no additional snacking
• made sure I got my water in everyday
• I even added some olive oil to some of my meals – something I had not been doing
• drank a few glasses of milk and had some yogurt this week
• exercised on my elliptical for 20 minutes 3X’s this week
• faithfully took my One-A-Day Weight Smart pill every night….

for some reason...

From Post Secret



this cracks me up - although I am pretty sure whoever sent this in in going to require extensive therapy...

Rachel Ray Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

For I am crowning myself the QUEEN of the 30 minute meals…

Now both PWG and TW love watching Rachel Ray – doesn’t matter what she is hawking – be it dinner in under 30 minutes or spending $40 a day (Ha…I could stretch $40 into 3 days…the trick is making sure you pick a hotel that not only has a continental breakfast but also an evening “social hour” – load up those pockets in the morning and you have lunch – eat enough peanuts, popcorn and sip enough bad boxed white wine and you have dinner)

Anyway with working full-time there is very little time to prepare an elegant dinner most nights (ok not most nights…every night)…so I live hard and fast by the “get er done” cooking method…

Now one thing I will admit - I am horrible at getting my children to partake in “Adult Food” - that food where it is either

• Somewhat expensive (i.e a nice piece of NY Strip Steak)
• Somewhat spicy
  

I would have to say out of a 5 day workweek at least 2 night a week I try to prepare “Adult Food” – it is these nights I pray in homage to Chef Boy-r-Dee and the man at Tyson who said “lets mash a bunch of leftover chicken together in a flat round disk shape and call it a ‘patty’” – because without these two people (Oh the person at Eggo that said - "let's take half of a regular waffle and half of a chocolate waffle and fuse them together" - they must never get rid of that wonderful concoction that makes morning at my house so very nice)…I would be one very unhappy momma…

Last night was an “adult meal” – I had a nice piece of Flat Iron Steak and some Portabella and Crimini Mushrooms (mushrooms courtesy of my boss who brought in huge boxes of them cultivated from some place called the Mushroom House in PA…)

• Tangent time – Flat Iron Steak is a relatively new cut of meat…it is similar to Flank steak…if you want to know more check HERE - anyway the meat is fairly inexpensive – I got a nice sized piece for 2 people on sale for about $5 – it was delicious….very tender and I WILL be buying it again (on sale of course)
  
  

So I threw some Worchester Sauce, Balsamic Vinegar, Olive Oil, minced garlic and some steak seasoning in a glass pan and let the meat marinate for about 10 minutes. I threw the same ingredients in a glass bowl in which I threw the cut up mushrooms in. Don’t ask me the ratios – I just added a splash here and a splash there…(I did put a little too much vinegar in the mushroom bowl though)

Third Child threw the meat on the grill for 10 minutes on medium heat while I sautéed up the mushrooms…nuked a turkey dog for TW and a Crabby Patty for PWG (that beloved Tyson Chicken Patty…one day the girls wouldn’t eat anything – then I offered them a “Crabby Patty” and it has been love ever since…) – opened a can of Mandrian Oranges (I am not completely a horrible mom…they do get fruit and veggies on occasion :)

I let the meat rest for about 5-6 minutes – sliced that puppy up – threw the ‘shrooms on top and ate it up…YUM-MO

PIS-SHA – Rachel Ray…I finished in 26 minutes.

hack, hack, cough, cough...

Well - last week I was sick - which was why I scare - I didn't have the throwing up thing that seems to be going around but my stomach felt queasy and I couldn't eat for 2 days...

I did lose 4 lbs when all was said and done and when I got on the scale it was a beautiful site - I loved that number- however I knew it could not last....

So I didn't really weigh in on Friday - well I did and that is when I saw I lost 4 lbs...

So I got on Monday and I had gained the 4 lbs back - I knew it would happen....because once I felt good enough to eat I strapped on that feed bag...(OK not really I did restrain myself somewhat...) right now I am still down 7 lbs since the beginning of January - not bad

But I am back in the swing of things...drinking my water and eating right - got back on the elliptical on Monday and "plan" to do it tonight and tommorrow... I even went to the movies last night (Music & Lyrics...very amusing but really total chick flick) and only ate my smuggled in bag of 100 calorie popcorn (ok I lie - I also had 3 handfuls of movie popcorn...but I do have small hands)

I think I am going to make my goal for March 4 lbs...If I can loose 4 lbs by the end of March I'll be satisfied with myself...

My first goal first and formost was to lose the 15 lbs I put back on after my last WW round...so I am almost halfway there....

slow and steady wins the race...

You want balls with that?

So last night I had my monthly meeting of my Multiples Group...

Once a month i get to escape and kavecth about my kids to other people who understand - other people that expelled 2 or more squirming bodies from their uterus at the same time...

I do have to say I give props to the triplet moms...I would be locked in a padded cell somewhere...

Anyway usually after the meeting a handful of us will delay going home...we will go anywhere to avoid going home....a few months ago we closed down a Barnes and Noble...yep that's right - they had to kick us out at midnight - ROCK ON (come on I know you all are jealous...not everyone can close out a Barnes and Noble...yeah before you ask I am well aware of how pathetic my life has become)

Anyway last night a handful of us went out to TGI Fridays - mainly so my friend "Bunny Girl" (* not her god given name...because if it was she would be a stripper at an airport bar outside of Tulsa) could get her Quesadilla fix...

So off we went - I was very good and only ordered a cup of French Onion soup - ummmm yummo....

Another friend of ours and her sister ordered the Fried Green Beans...yes...FRIED GREEN BEANS....

Apparently TGI Fridays has decided to take one of the most healthy, low fat foods Gods Green Earth can grow...batter them up and deep fry them...to top it off it is served with a side of Ranch dressing...

When they came out I took one look at them and a thought popped into my mind...interestingly enough before I could say my thought Bunny Girl blurted it out - YES she blurted out my thought

and that thought was...

LEPRECHAUN PENISES

Seriously - I kid you not we had the same thought!!!

I guess this means Bunny Girl is as depraved a human being as I am...SCORE!!!!!!!

Is it just me or does this random picture of a guy dressed as a Leprechaun strike a startling resemblance to Uncle Joey from Full House???

Better Late than Never

So I totally went whompy on the Friday posting for my Weigh-in...

Not much changed..as in no loss - BUT no gain - that counts for something right?

So I am still at 7 lbs total lost...6 weeks at this = 7 Lbs lost - that is more than a pound a week...I'll take it...I am not greedy

A sad little post

Today is a sad day…

My brother, John, would have been 30 years old today. He was killed in a car accident in December of 2005. It was a little after midnight and he had just left his companies Holiday party – the roads were dark and icy…his car left the road and hit a tree – he died instantly.

My brother didn’t have enemies…he never met a stranger…he was one of those truly rare individuals that everyone liked.

I was awoken by a phone call at about 5am that December morning – it was my mom – she was crying – my first thought was something happened to my Grandmother…but sadly no.

I was the one to call my sister…she was only 18 months younger than my brother and they were very close. It was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make…the only harder one was the one I had to make to his girlfriend.

Honestly I don’t even remember jumping in my car and driving 2 hours north to my parents house…but I did…and when I walked in my mother just looked at me and said “What do we do….what do we do”

See, we are hardy people, my family we live to ripe old ages and tragedies like car accidents didn’t befall us. When I was pregnant with the twins Third Child was faced with the prospect of losing his job, through no fault of his own, I told him not to worry because “bad things don’t happen to me” – how very wrong I was.

So I got on the phone and called my best friend…my best friend who lost her husband of a year and a half….the love of her life…suddenly just 2 months earlier and asked her “What do we do….What do we do”

Life was surreal – being the oldest child I guess it is in my genetic makeup to mother and organize…so I did it…I found the funeral home…I contacted close family and friends who hadn’t heard yet…I called his girlfriend….I went to see the car…I went to pick out clothes for the viewing and I was the first one to see him at the Funeral Home…

One of the first things my mother started talking about was where was she going to bury her son…my sister and I looked at one another and we knew…we knew John would not have wanted to be buried and we told our parents this…John had never expressed his wishes…why should he - he was a 20 something, by all intents and purposes single, young guy – who thinks about death. After much going back and forth my parents decided cremation would be the best way to go.

The next thing my mother talked about was that she didn’t want a ton of flowers and she wanted John to be remembered in ways other than large stinky floral arrangements – there was a look across her face and she said St. Judes. Now never before in my life had I ever heard my mom mention whit about St. Judes….but she looked at me and said “St Judes – Having to deal with the death of a child is hard enough I can’t imagine watching your child die” – so we asked for donations to be made to St. Judes Childrens Research Hospital…He did not die in vain and hopefully his death will bring comfort to many many children and their parents. In an interesting twist a month before the accident TW and PWG went to a kiddie Holiday Shop - the ones where you as a parent give them a few bucks and one of the shop volunteers help them pick a gift for you and it is wrapped up...gifts that were "donated" (aka let's go through the junk drawers and see what we can find) by people... on Christmas morning I unwrapped my gift from TW - it was a St. Judes magnet - of all the things in the world...A St. Judes magnet...The site of it brought tears to my eyes.

Where am I going with all this…you may ask – other than to write stuff out so I don’t dissolve in a fit of tears…

My brother was basically single….his girlfriend was more of an on again off again relationship – he was living in Northern VA and she in Georgia (in a cruel twist of fate she was in Northern VA that week visiting family – she and John were suppose to meet up the very day he died) – after going to school at VA Tech, living for a year or so in San Deigo with his girlfriend, going back to school at VA Tech (6 year plan…) he had spent about a year back in his old room in my parents home while going through a management program for a restaurant chain. It worked out well – he got a place to stay and my parents got a live-in chef, handyman and landscaper…

After the training program was over he was assigned to a restaurant about 45 minutes from my parents house – he dutifully commuted for a couple months…around October he decided to start looking for his own place closer to the restaurant….one where he wouldn’t have upwards of a 90 minute commute to and from work…He had found a townhouse to rent with 2 other roommates only 5 minutes from work and had moved in about 3 weeks before his death.

Luckly, he like me is a huge procrastinator - so changing things like drivers licenses and bills and such weren’t that high of a priority – because of that when the accident happened he still had my parents address on his drivers license – we still had his cell phone bill at my parents house to use for contact numbers for people he had called, but…that didn’t take care of everything.

When he moved into the townhouse my parents had only met the owner of the townhouse and couldn’t remember his name – the house had no land line – 3 single guys – they each had a cell phone and we didn’t have their numbers. My sister and I drove to my brothers place to find clothes for the viewing…we had to write a note….write a note – as hard as it was for me to write the note I can’t imagine what was going through my brothers roommates head when they had to read the note.

Somehow during the whole thing I was a rock…looking back I wondered how I did it…I came across a memory – two months before his death my best friends husband died suddenly – I went back “home” to console my friend and be there for her…the evening of the funeral I made it back to my parents house totally drained and exhausted and John was there – for someone who was spending 80 hours a week working him being home was a rare site indeed…we sat for about an hour talking about life and how we should never take anything for granted. I told him I loved him…that was the last time I talked with John…my last words to him were

I LOVE YOU…

So once again where am I going with this…

Get your affairs in order because we don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring – at the very least make sure your loved ones know your wishes – this is especially true if you are single. If you have single friends or family members ASK them what would they want if something should happen to them…make sure they have a list of names and numbers tucked away somewhere of people to contact should something happen to them

I encourage everyone to take inventory of their life – make it a priority to get a list of important names and numbers together – a list of all your bills (credit card, mortgage, car payments, etc…) – a list of any insurance (car, life, disability) and put everything together. Here are some places to get you started

LOCATION OF PERSONAL DOCUMENTS - has both long and short versions - Word Doc or PDF - I personally use the Long Form Word Document...easy to change around

PERSONAL DOCUMENT LOCATOR - in .pdf format

If you are married – get a will – especially if you have children. Make sure both spouses have access to joint accounts. Make sure you have discussed what would happen if the worst happens.

If you didn’t do it yesterday – tell everyone you love – that you LOVE them… don't wait until tommorrow

And by chance if you happen to have a few $$ left after paying the Holiday credit card bills and treating your sweetie yesterday – think about giving to St. Judes…

Either through a direct donation or shopping through their catalog Gift Catalog

At my brother funeral there were over 400 in attendance...400 who came the week before Christmas in the icy sleety weather....many who drove 5+ hours and a few who changed thier holiday plans to fly to pay thier last respects to my brother - that alone is a testament to the man my brother was. At the viewing many of his Lambda Chi brothers came...both Alumni and undergraduates, a few who had only met John for a few brief minutes - others who had spent the past 6 years being lucky to have a friend like John. My mom I stood in the recieving line and consoled these men, many of whom were in tears... A sign that showed us just how much John touched others...

The measure of a life well loved is not alone in

it's length, but in the quality of the life in the

length it is given, the depth and breadth of

its impact on others, and the character and

quality of the memories it leaves behind.

The perfect gift....

So for Christmas I got the Third Child a Website a Day calendar with the cavet that each day he send me the website listed...

He has almost faithfully sent me the webistes everyday...

the other day he sent me to Archie McPhee - Lotta - whatever you do do not click the link...I am not responsible for what you may buy...they have a whole section of Jesus stuff...

now THIS is my type of store...

I found the perfect gift for my sister (who has been to the Antartic twice...and got into a dueling match with a penguin - where she lost a glove)

That would be the AVENGING NARWHALE

Take that you mean little Penguin....

Myself - I am oddly drawn to THIS

Diet Product Review #4 - Fiber One Snack Bars

Another Diet Review….

I know it has been awhile since I did my last one…what can I say things get hectic in the house of Chaos….

As you are well aware if you are a reader of my blog (all 4.7 of you) I enjoy both a bit of good food and of course a good bargain…just crown me Coupon Queen

So I was sitting cutting out Coupons on Saturday morning when I came across one for Fiber One Snack Bars…hummm a snack bar that SHOUTS Fiber…I am all over that puppy…

The thing is when you are indoctrinated into the Weight Watchers way of life you actively start reading labels…sugar and oils be damned – we WWers don’t care about that…no we only care about the WW Trifecta…

· Calories
· Fat
· Fiber

Because those three things rule the world of WW… it is this Trifecta that allows us to figure out our beloved WW points – those points that dictate what we should and should not put in our greedy little mouths….

So basically put for every 50 calories in something = 1 point….now depending on the amount of fat and fiber it can make a point or two difference…and to someone living the WW way – a point is a BIG deal…for jiminy sake a point is a mini York Peppermint Patty….get with the program people…

Anyway - I saw a coupon for .75 cents off a box of the new Fiber One snack bars – according to the coupon the bars come in two versions – a Chocolate drizzle and a Peanut Butter one. BTW - General Mills has no mention of these bars on their web-site as of yet...so no pictures of the box - sorry

So off I went to the grocery store with the coupon in my hand…I cautiously walked down the snack isle…(note not all “healthy/diet” snack bars are the same…while some may have low fat…many have very low Fiber counts) and came across a box of Fiber One Peanut Butter bars…I snatched a box up and looked at the Trifecta…

Calories – 150 (ok…could be a little lower)
Fat – 4.5 (not to bad but for the size of the bar a little high)
Fiber – 9 grams (BINGO – we have a winner)

I did some quick calculating in my head and figured out at the most a bar would be 3 points…now since my ass is still rather large I do have a tendency to have a few points to throw around during the day…so 3 points for a snack bar – I can do that.

The cost of the box was $2.75, so with my coupon $2 for a box of 6 bars….33 cents each I can live with that.

As soon as I got to the car I grabbed the box and opened a bar…

HEAVENLY….this bar was fantastic – the bar is a good sized and not to dense, peppered with little peanut butter chips and held together with a little sticky goodness.

In looking at WW on-line the bar is in-fact 3 points…

What is interesting to note is while I was digging around the ‘net looking for a picture of the Fiber One Bar I came across the nutritional information for the Chocolate version of the bar (they didn’t have that version at my Grocery store) – it can be found HERE

What a difference 10 calories and .5 grams less of fat makes….when you calculate the Chocolate version it equals only TWO WW points…

One thing about Fiber – it does fill you up and it does help with the “plumbing” – cause after all you don’t want a backed-up plumbing system… No Fiber One picture - but apparently easy to find pictures of back-up Colons...Enjoy!

Overall

The Fiber One Peanut Butter bar hit all the right spots – it gave me a nice sweet treat to eat…gave me lots of fiber to help me feel full and yes…it did help with the “plumbing”

I would definitely buy this again (have another .75 cents off coupon) but I would probably buy the 2 point Chocolate version than the 3 point Peanut butter version and use the extra point for my York Peppermint Patty fetish…

TGIF!

I am sooooo ready for this week to be over...

This weekend the only thing on our calendar is a 3pm Birthday Party at McDonalds on Saturday that TW was invited ot...This is actually a biggie for us because it is the first time only ONE of the girls have been invited to a Birthday Party - those that have twins understand...singleton parents - wellllll? Still trying to decide who gets the pleasure of going to said party - either myself or the Third Child...It might wind up with best 2 out of 3 Quarter toss...

On to better things - the FUTURE MILF WEIGH-IN

(drumroll please)

I lost 1 lb this week

I'll take it - considering I drank half my weight in wine on Superbowl Sunday I wasn't expecting to loose anything

So that brings to total to 7 lbs

Apparently WW online liked that and gave me the following food for thought...

WAY TO GO! Congratulations for losing weight this week. We hope you're thrilled with the result. Here's a quote by Aristotle that we thought might strike a chord with you: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."

Keep practicing your excellence and have a great week.

Just a Note...

Note to husband: Farting in the bed does not make it warmer…no matter how many times you try and tell me that…it only makes it smelly!

Note to TW: I know you hear me when I ask you to do something, over and over and over again…why is I have to tell you 100 times to get dressed in the morning, in a very loud “I’m being stern” voice, but I barely whisper the word “chocolate” and you are right by my side with your grubby little paw out?

Note to PWG: I am pretty convinced I nicknamed you right…you always seem to have your panties in a big wad…I am so over the “flop on the floor tantrums because you don’t get your way”…and BTW one day you will have to learn to tie your own shoes…just because TW gets enjoyment out of tying everyone’s shoes right now – one day that excitement will wear off and you will be stuck…with floppy laces

Note to Spring 2007 Dress designers: Chubby Gals of the World Rejoice!!! Can I get an Halla-freakin-Luah! Have you all seen the wondrous dresses in the windows of places like Dress Barn, Macys, Sears, etc…

Now on the rack they just sort of look Blah and you feel the fabric and your brain send warning signals because the fabric feels “stretchy” and you think to yourself “Self – you are going to look like a squatty column of flesh lumps” – but noooooo OH noooo – the cut of these dresses are fantastic….nice higher empire like waists…fabric that flows AWAY from the hips….

I tried on the dress pictured this past weekend at JC Penny’s - which is not a store I frequent but I was returning a hideous purse that was a holiday gift from my Mother-in-Law – after seeing the dresses I will probably be back again this summer – I grabbed my size – a 14 – and it was actually a little big on me – I figured I would wait and see where I was weight and dress size wise in another 2 months before I sink $$ into a springy dress.

I was driving by a Dress Barn the other day and they had the cutest dresses in their front window….with an investment in a good pair of Spanxs – OH MOMMA I am going to look fan-freakin-tastic!!!

So to the Spring 2007 Dress designers – THANK YOU from the bottom of my chubby little ass….

There's a New Sheriff in town...

and her name is FLO...as in Aunt Flo...

needless to say I was a raving, crampy bitch last night...and while she hasn't begun her "journey" yet the winds have changed in the House of Chaos...

The girls and dear hubby are cowering behind a lead shield throwing candy coated Hersey kisses at me while I stalk them like some Godzilla-like creature...

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG

But this morning - I am sitting here with my 7-11 ENERGY Coffee and just trying to mellow....

Sooooooo it's FRIDAY and that means another weigh-in for the Future MILF Brigade...

I lost 1 POUND!!!!

So that brings the total lost the first month to SIX POUNDS!!!

I am happy with that - especially since Aunt Flo sure likes to carry around extra water when she is comin' around

My Milkshake brings all the Boys to the Yard....

hummm – thanks to Lotta I had an interesting read over at Under The Mad Hat I think though that the ilk of what us we aspire to be FUTURE MILF's is exactly what The Mad Hat sort of pointed out - she mentioned that obviously we were a MILF to someone because we would not be Mommies if someone hadn't F'd Us...and while yes i agree - to my husband I am one sexy MILF...

For many of us we don’t aspire to be a Size 6 – I have no aspirations of that because quite frankly I have never been a size 6…I went right from the largest junior’s size (odd numbers…no 6) I could find into “Womens World”.

To me MILF takes on a lot of feelings…and words alone can’t express feelings…

To me being a FUTURE MILF is taking responsibility for MY life…putting ME first when it comes to my health and well-being.

When I got married I weighed 165 lbs…can I just tell you that is the lowest I have ever been in my adult life…I spent most of my high school life weighing over 200 lbs…I had friends but boyfriends were few and far between…before my senior year I lost about 50 lbs…I started my senior year weighing about 165-170…while not exactly skinny-minny and still outweighing most of my friends by a good 20-30 lbs I got noticed…for once in my life I had boys noticing me…Imagine the boost in my self-esteem…I wasn’t a Size 6.

I specifically choose a college where no one else from my high school was going…WHY? So I could effectively re-invent myself – I could be the outgoing party girl if I wanted to…and guess what I had the time of my life – I would not trade my experiences (well there are a few I would) for anything. Was I skinny…nope….was I a size 6 nope…but I FELT GOOD, WONDERFUL and had great SELF-ESTEEM.

After getting married and having kids (you don’t even want to know what twins do to your body – it ain’t a pretty picture) weight crept back on and while I have a very dear husband who loves me no matter what and I will always be a MILF to him…that doesn’t matter if you fall out of love with yourself…you lose some of that self-esteem because the body you see in the mirror isn’t that same one you saw 10 years ago…

Now I am not deluding myself – I don’t expect to have the same body I did 10 years ago…My skin is stretched in places and I have stretch marks…but to me for every lb. I lose is a victory to myself…a victory showing that I am starting to LOVE myself again – that I am putting myself first…with every lb. I lose I gain back a little more self esteem that I’ve slowly lost over the past few years…

So I guess to me I don’t care who would like to F’ me…I am in this to be a FUTURE MILF that I would Like to F*@# :)

I guess Justin Timberlake wasn't the first to think of this....

This is what I get for searching for something that is totally unrelated to anything this picture shows....I will never look at old people the same way again....

"You cut a hole in the box..."

If you would like to make your own box - easy to follow directions can be found HERE

Designers on Crack

Someone - please tell me this is a JOKE!!!

So I am sitting at my desk flipping through the latest issue of People and I come across the “StyleWatch” section…and then I see it

HIGH-WAISTED JEANS….

Apparently this is going to be all the rage in the Spring

HIGH F’n WAISTED JEANS –

basically MOM JEANS!!!!

Think I or People am making this up – well looky HERE

Are these designers on crack…seriously

First they design BUTT-CRACK jeans that don’t look good on 96.7% of women....all the Thonger jeans does for people is push the flubber up and out so that most everyone walks around with a ring of flubber….and some of us (I am not including my flubber self because I don’t do this) wear shirts that don’t cover the flubber ring – therefore affronting the public’s eye…

NOW – they want to put us in HIGH WAISTED Jeans….they want to trap our flubber in a denim prison…so it pulls and stretches across the flubbery belly (Does that mean shirts are going to get even shorter because the jeans are higher?) – OH MY GAWD I just realized…HIGH WAISTED JEANS and CAMELTOE go hand in hand….I think I need to find a spoon and stat!!!! Start scooping out my eyeballs now...

Friday Future MILF Update

Go me...it's my birthday (ok not really)

but I lost ANOTHER POUND!!!

so for those of you counting at home that is 5 lbs lost so far - if I was at a meeting I would get one of those Red Bookmark things....but this is all the WW site gave me

That's Ok I'll take it :)

Am I really a Grown-up????

Please tell me I am not the only one…

Are there times in your life where you look around and everyone seems to be going in slow motion…where your life doesn’t seem real…doesn’t seem tangible.

Some days I feel like my life is a dream and that I am going to wake up- staring at my yellow-gingham canopy with the lace edging…roll over on my rainbow sheets and come face to face with my Cabbage Patch Doll.

AM I REALLY A GROWNUP?

I have a mortgage, 2 cars, 2 kids, 2 cats, a husband, a few credit companies and a dog that seem to think I am.

But I don’t feel like a grown-up – please tell me I am not the only one…

I see people in stores – other grown-ups like me, who seem to have it all going-on who seem confident in their grownup ness – where I feel that while I have this grown-up exterior that somewhere there is a zipper and when I pull that zipper down, out comes the REAL ME…the one with the crimped side ponytail, wearing an oversized ‘Frankie Says Relax” T-shirt and an armful of rubber bracelets, all teenage and gawky – not a grownup at all.

Some days life is so surreal – having to deal with Grownup things – paying bills, making sure my kids get their medicine, car repairs, consoling a friend who has a dumb-ass husband…all these GROWN-UP things…and then I have that moment…that moment where I feel it is not real - that…. I….Will…. Wake…. Up…. – only problem is I am not dreaming…this is really my life

I have this snapshot in my head – I am a pre-teen and I am standing in Angela Vegas basement – we just got done swimming in her pool and now we have the Jukebox playing “I Love Rock and Roll” while we have the towels wrapped around our head pretending that is our long hair…and we have toilet paper shoved in our bathing suit top pretending to have huge boobies…and we are standing on the raised brick hearth with the empty toilet paper rolls in our hand singing our little hearts out

I love rock 'n' roll
So put another dime
In the jukebox, baby
I love rock 'n' roll
So come and take your time
And dance with me

we were pretending we were grown-up…we couldn’t wait to be grown-ups…if we only knew…if we only knew…

A Friday Future MILF Quickie

Don't have much time to write - but it is Friday and time for another Future MILF check-in

Goal for this week - Exercise at least twice....
Meet Goal? Hella No....

BUT, I did lose another pound....

So for those who are counting....

Total weight loss.... 3 lbs

A HO by any other name

Lotta gave a challenge…a challenge to give her little friend Bingalina
a food ho playmate…

Someone who is a slave to food….someone who can’t help herself….someone who would probably hock one of her children for a delicious, scrumptious Cadbury Crème Egg….

I thought long and hard….and hard and long…and long and hard (hold on that is another entry about my other ho….)

Anyway I would like to introduce to the world….

IMA DOESN’T COUNT

who are guided by her three Hellish fairy winged friends – BITE, LICK and TASTE (which BTW….learn from my experience and DO NOT put “bite lick and taste” in Google image search….ohhhhhhh I need some bleach for my eyeballs)

You know after quite a number of years knowing about the Weight Watcher Way…I HAVE changed my eating habits…I eat whole grains…I buy the more expensive spaghetti sauces and soups because they have less fat and more fiber…

But somewhere deep inside me is little IMA….who is prodded along by her little friends…who whisper in her ear…”go ahead just take a BITE…” – “it won’t hurt to have a small LICK” – “a little TASTE, what can it hurt?” – IMA gets scared – she tried her best to resist…but there is only one of her and three of them….

So IMA gives in…and then tries to fool herself - it was only a BITE, a simple LICK, a small TASTE…so IMA DOESN’T COUNT

But you know….it does…sure a bit of a brownie every now and then is OK….but 4 bites within an hour….IMA ate the damn brownie….

So IMA is going to try and resist her little Hell fairies – Bite, Lick and Taste…

But all bets are off if Peter Rabbit comes hopping down the bunny trail with a basket of Crème Eggs….

Diet Product Review #3 - Dexatrim Max2O

So my latest and greatest Diet supplement is the Dexatrim Max2O – I figured I would give it a try because after all you dissolve 2 pills in water - so you get your water in while you are taking this stuff…

This is from the Dexatrim website

The shape of weight loss is about to change….
Introducing Dexatrim® Max20™ an exciting, new way to get maximum help for weight loss* by combining the POWER of Dexatrim with all the healthy benefits of water.

Dexatrim® Max20™ is an easy-to-use, take-anywhere package of effervescent tablets that turn water into a powerful weight loss ally. Dexatrim® Max20™ is packed with Real Green Tea, Chromium, Ginseng and a Vitamin B complex designed to provide maximum help in suppressing appetite and maximum energy* to give you the power to lose weight-all of which work together to help you feel satisfied, make good food choices and drink more water every day.

Dexatrim® Max20™ is designed in individual, foil wrapped packages that are perfect to take with you anywhere and fit perfectly in your gym bag, purse, car, pocket or briefcase. The POWER of Dexatrim® Max20™ is never far way!

Dexatrim® Max20™ is available in two great tasting varieties, Mixed Berry and Lemon Splash. Put the POWER of Dexatrim® Max20™ to work in your water for a healthy way to curb appetite*, feel deliciously full and boost energy*.

My Review:
I bought the Mixed Berry box of tablets…I was at my local Food Lion getting yet another bottle of Tylenol Flu medicine for my children (why oh freakin why can’t they make a jumbo bottle…I’ll fork over the $20 just give me more than 4 ounces in a friggin bottle – with 2 kids dosed 3 times a day 1 bottle lasts me oh about 36 hours) and saw they had the Dexatrim Max2O on sale for $10.99 and I just happened to have a $2 off coupon so I grabbed it .

I decided not to take any last week when I began my diet…so yesterday was the first day I tried it…I waited until lunch and filled up my 24 oz bottle of water and added the tablets….I must note here that according to the directions it says to place 2 tablets into 16 ounces of water…I figured it can’t hurt to dilute the taste a bit…

BOY am I glad that I put it in 24 ounces – the taste wellllllll – not as bad as the Protien Water but not exactly wonderful either – it sort of reminded me of flavored Alka-selzer – a funny bubbly weird taste…very sweet to my palette with a definite aftertaste….If you are one that likes flavored seltzer water then it probably would taste fine to you.

After I drank about half the cup (so about 12 ounces) I found myself a little jittery…then I drank more and found myself even more so jittery….I imagine jittery in a Meth whore way – not that I have been a Meth whore but from what I read….then again it is rare to see a fat Meth whore so maybe Dexatrim is on to something here - hummmm

After about an hour the jittery feeling was pretty much gone – so maybe it was just my body reacting to the foreignness of the supplement. However, when I went to use the bathroom (because after downing 24 ounces of a liquid it has to come out sometime) I noticed another effect of the supplement…it made my urine smell rather odd….not that I am in the habit of smelling my own pee…but being a mother of young children my nose has smelled a lot of pee over the past 5 ½ years…it wasn’t a rancid smell…just different….

Now…I will admit other then feeling like a jittery Meth whore with funky pee it did curb my appetite….I drank the 24 ounces at lunchtime and made it through the rest of the afternoon without feeling hungry…I didn’t even eat my afternoon snack - and when I got home I didn’t even feel the urge to eat dinner….I did however because I know one of the things to a balanced diet is eating…but I set out my portion and ate it and didn’t feel hungry afterwards….

I am pretty sure I will finish up the tablets…there are 20 tablets per box and you are suppose to use 2 per bottle of water – so that makes 10 servings…I think instead of doing 2 at a time I will just do 1 and see what that affect is…will it help me loose weight I don’t know…I did like the not feeling hungry affect it seemed to have…which could potentially get me through the bulk of my day.

I think after all the tablets are gone I might try the Dexatrim Max tablets…see if they might have the same hunger control effect without the jittery Meth whore feeling…I can live with the funky pee smell…

Dexatrim Max2O Sum-Up
Retail price $14.99
My Price $8.99
WW points – 0
Finish Up – yeah, but I will just do 1 tablet per 24 ounces of water
Buy Again – probably not unless I feel the need to feel like a Meth whore again

Why they should not allow Kindergartners to borrow anything...

An e-mail I just wrote to TW's teacher...

Good Morning,

If you notice {TW} did not bring her library book back in to school – it is missing somewhere in our house…I had told her to put it back in her backpack after we read it and somehow (not really a surprise to me) it didn’t make it – I noticed it wasn’t in the backpack last night when we were packing her snack…it was late and we only looked half-heartily for the book in the all usual spots but failed to find it – after moving the couch to look and finding half of the lego collection and various already worn socks (apparently when we ask the girls to clean up it means shoving everything under the couch) I basically gave up for the night - I have a feeling that it might have gotten dumped into one of the toy bins during another round of clean-up…

{Third Child} and I decided this would make a good lesson for {TW} – that if she can’t take care of the things she borrows then maybe she is not ready to borrow things….maybe this incident will teach her something????…I will be doing a more detailed look for the book this week – I know it didn’t leave the house so it has to be somewhere…maybe searching for it will spur me to do my spring cleaning early???

**********************************
ha ha ha Spring Cleaning - yeah right....

Can you just imagine if they had a class pet that had to be taken home on the weekend by some poor unsuspecting parent...it would never survive coming to my home...

Diet Product Review #2 - Special K Protien Snack Bar

yeah yeah yeah - I have a special affinity for Special K - so the first few product reviews will be Special K products...as we have all found out not everything Special K does tastes good...I was talking with a friend about the Special K Protien Water and she asked me to really describe what it tasted like because she couldn't quite understand...the best thing I could come up with was "imagine strawberries had penis's...and you got really drunk and well gave the strawberry a good time and said strawberry didn't tap you on the head when it was about to blow...." needless to say neither her nor I (nor probably you) will ever look at a strawberry in quite the same way...

The next in line for the Special K brand is the Special K Protien Snack Bar.

As I was waiting at the pharmacy getting the Tamiflu prescriptions for my daughters (oh yes lucky me...the flu has hit my house...sometimes being a mommy sucks ass - come all every mother at some point in her mommyhood just looks at her little darlings and says to herself - This sucks ass...don't deny it...) anyway as my darlings proceeded to touch every mini massager in the basket below the counter I wandered over to diet isle....They had the Special K protien bars "Buy 1 get 1" - so knowing my penchant for both diet foods and a bargin you can guess what i bought...

Special K Protein Snack Bars, 110 calories per bar, 4g of protein and a good source of nine vitamins and minerals. They are available in Chocolate Peanut and Chocolate Delight. I tried to get a picture from the Kellogg website but I kept getting a weird error message - so you can check them out here

I bought the Chocolate Peanut one because I love Hersey Peanut Butter Cups...The retail price on these were .89 cents each - so I paid .45 cents a piece for mine since it was BOGO...

I was a little hesitant because it is a rather small bar - it is about the size of one twix bar...not quite as long but *just* a little fatter...if you all had seen my ex-boyfriend naked I could be a little more descriptive (let me tell you ...sometimes you do need MORE than the motion of the Ocean...KWIM) - When calculated on my handy dandy WW slide - one bar = two points

By the time I got home and had a blow up with one of my daughters over not taking the nasty Tamiflu medicine (and yes while the medicine is sort of nasty...my house is a dictatorship...not a democracy the sooner she learns that the happier we all will be)- the bar was beckoning me...so I ate it...

IT WAS FANTASTIC...sometimes some of these chocolate snack bars can taste a little catty-wampus - like something is off with the ingrediants. NOT SO with this protien bar - it is very dense and chewy so it is not easy to eat it quickly - a plus in my book.

NOW...would I eat this all the time...nope, mainly because it is 2 points...if they added some more fiber to the bar and got it down to 1 point this little bar would probably be a staple of my day. But I think i would definately keep a stash around for those times when chocolate is a neccessity...like that time of the month, when your husband is being an ass, when your 5 year old pulls a 15 year olders attitude on you...

Special K Protien Snack Bar - Chocolate Peanut Sum-Up
Retail Price $0.89
My Price $0.45
WW Points 2
Buy Again YES, yes, yes!!!!!

WEEK ONE - Friday Weigh-in

ok ok ok - so it isn't Friday - but thanks to Virginia lawmakers I had Friday off from work - Thank ye old Confederate Generals....Lee and Jackson - thanks to you I get a 4 day weekend...ba ha ha ha

Anyway....I lost TWO POUNDS...which when I went and logged it on WW on-line I lost nothing - because remember I Lied to Weight Watchers

Oh well - two pounds is two pounds and I will happily take it - last week I focused on just pacing myself and getting back into making the right choices as far as eating goes and the whole point system...I did pretty good with evening meals - actually cooked something other then Spagetti

So this week I plan on adding in exercise...now I am not going to say I will exercise every day because I know myself...but at least twice this coming week I will do something - be it go for a walk around the neighborhood for a half an hour or actually getting on my eliptical machine that is taking up a corner of my rec room - whispering "Oh Baby...Ride me...Ride me" {hold on that may not be the elipitcal machine whispering....}

So here is to two more lbs!!!!!!

Diet Product Review #1 - Special K2O

Having been a member of Weight Watchers on and off for the past two+ years I am always interested to see what new (and old) "diet" items they have on the market...and being the glutton that I am I usually at least TRY items...so I figured I would share my reviews with all of you (all probably 3 people that read this blog) - so you can figure out where to spend your money...

SPECIAL K2O...

From Food Processing

Departing from its traditional products and most surprising, Kellogg also introduces Special K2O Protein Waters, which deliver 5g of protein per 16-oz. bottle with 50 calories. They are available in three flavors: Strawberry Kiwi, Lemon Twist and Tropical Blend.

”Drinking lots of water is important when dieting, but plain
water can get boring,” says Saletta. ”It’s great to have some new flavor choices.”

Suggested retail price for four 16-oz. bottles of SpecialK2O is $5.99.

MY REVIEW:

I found single bottle of this Protien Water at my local Food Lion - the price was about $1.89 but they had $1 off coupons...so for .89 cents I figured I would try it - I picked up the Strawberry-Kiwi flavor and the Lemon Twist flavor.

I consulted my handy dandy WW points slider and found that unlike basic water with 0 points this water did have a 1 point value - with all the stuff they add to the water it adds 50 calories - no fat, no fiber...

I figured it would taste similar to the flavored waters...like Propel fitness water...

ummmm no go....

Nasty - with a CAPITAL N - the best way I could descibe it is if you mixed a packet of Jello up with some water and proceeded to drink it...the flavor was to overly sweet and it seemed to coat my mouth - not something water should do.

Since I forgot an extra bottle of water I did drink the whole bottle on my ride into work...I could not wait to get to work to get some actual H2O to rinse out the layer of K2O...

I still have the Lemon Twist flavor at home and I am quite unsure of how to proceed...I don't want to waste it...but yet the idea of a layer of lemon coating my mouth leaves something to be desired....I think I might open it and add a small amount to a full bottle of water and see if it comes out to be something like Propel - water with just a hint of flavor...

SPECIAL K2O SUM-UP

Retail Price $1.89

My Price $0.89

WW Points 1

Buy Again NOPE

I lied to Weight Watchers

Appearently I have hit a new low....

I joined Weight Watchers on line on Friday...I had to imput my weight...I could have waited until Monday to set everything up but the food whore I am wanted my "offical" weigh-in day to be Friday...that way if I blow my diet on Friday by say drinking a few to many glasses of wine or pigging out on a slice or two of oh so delicious Pizza Hut pizza I have all week to adjust (A.K.A eat bowls of the 0 point Cabbage soup to make up for my gluttony)

So it asked me to imput my weight - so I typed in a number that i thought was correct...ha ha ha - when I got on the scale on Saturday morning I realized I was wrong...not by much, only 2 lbs over what I typed in...but still I LIED TO AN ONLINE PROGRAM....

I found it interesting that based on my height that I should be between 115 and 135 lbs...OMG are they freakin insane...If I weighed 115 I would probably look like this....

and I don't know about you - but skin and bones just doesn't appeal to me...A woman needs curves....a woman needs a little flesh....an woman needs to look like she isn't going to break in half if a stiff wind comes her way...

Even 135 Lbs is a little mind-blowing for me...I have always been heavy - all through my childhood - even with being very active in sports - heck every summer I rode my bike 2 miles to the swimming pool, swam all day and then rode 2 miles back home and yet I was still heavy...granted I wasn't exactly eating the most healthy things...but I wasn't sitting on my butt watching TV or playing video games either...

The summer between my Junior and Senior year in High School I weighed over 200 lbs and thought enough was enough and joined Physicans Weight Loss Center - I did Ok and lost over 50lbs which put me at about 160 lbs or so and I looked good!!!! - to me I looked skinny and with my body shape (short and curvy) the lbs set well with me

I managed to keep most of it off throughout college...mainly the walking all over campus to get anywhere canceled out the copious amounts of alcohol I drank...even after college though I gained back about 10-15 lbs I was still fairly happy with my body...

Then I got married....then I worked awful jobs at awful times (2nd shift while going to grad school full-time)...then I had babies....

My body fell apart...I have a nice huge twin skin sack of a belly...I have these two flabs of back fat...and my ass, well I am starting to think I need to get those little "beep...beep" things for when I back up...

So anyway after laughing after the 115 - 135 lb range I am "suppose" to be at - I overrid the goal weight and put in the weight that I felt I could obtain and KEEP (the most important of all - a weight to KEEP)...I don't care what the scale says per se...what I really want to do is walk into a store and buy a pair of size 8 Levi jeans...is that too much to ask...a size 8....To let everyone in on what I wear now....a Size 14/16 - depending on Brand/Type and % of stretch material in said item - far more 16's then 14's....

I don't have delusions...I don't care to ever be a Size 2 or a Size 4...quite frankly I think I would look ridiculous...but I do want a single digit number - SIZE 8 ...

so that is my goal....a Size 8 pair of Levi's Jeans.....

What's Yours?....

Lick-a-stick

nooooooo not that stick...

This weekend I let TW and PWG go in their candy jar for a treat - PWG found a Lick a stick Fun Dip packet and proceeded to tear into it.

For those of you were Fun Dip deprived in the 80's let me tell you all about this treat - first it comes with a short white oblong object - about the size of my thumb - and anywhere from 1 to 3 packets of flavored sugar crap. The object is to lick the stick - Dip it into the sugar mixture and then Lick or suck it off. This was one of my favorite candies as a child - which is apparent in the size of my ass and the fact that many of years of licking and sucking practice of the Fun Dip I became the champion Jello sucker of York college (such a proud moment)...

anyway as my child was greedly getting all hyped up on sugar I thought to myself why can't they make a diet Fun Dip...

Hear me out here...

The stick could be made of Dark Chocolate - which you are suppose to eat everyday anyway - think I am kidding - check this news out...A Dark Chocolate A Day...

and the powdered sugar stuff could be made out of some type of flavored Fibersure product...

So not only are you getting a treat without 1000 calories- your heart and colon will thank you for it....

OH the humanity....

and so it begins....

it is THE DAY - for more information so you don't think I am totally nuts - Prepare Your Fridges the day to start the Future MILF diet and what did I forget to do - weigh myself...am I worried - nope I'll just be a day or two later than everyone else...besides tonights Pizza night and I am planning on taking the girls to the movies tommorrow and sorry I just can't get through a movie involving chirpy little cartoon characters (especially when one is voiced by Andy Dick) without a big vat of buttered popcorn...

The other day the Third Child decided to try his hand at making venison jerky...I merely rolled my eyes and said "that's nice dear" - so he sets out and grabs a chunk of his nasty-ass deer meat from the freezer and proceeds to let it thaw...when it is all thawed out the next day he comes to me...all dolled up in his flannel shirt and ripped sweatpants - holding a big bag of thawed meat and asked me "how much do you think this weighs"

ummm yeah - appearently he thinks that the mere fact I have ovaries gives me some special power to deduce the weight of meat in a plastic bag - I told him he should go upstairs hop on the scale without the meat - then with the meat - and subtract

Five minutes later he comes back downstairs all dejected looking and says "the only thing the scale told me was that I am fat"

SOOOOOOOO not only am I doing this so I can be a Future MILF - but I am pretty sure my third child would like to become a Future DILF.

So to start off I am going to try and set some realistic goals and go 1 week at a time...

Overall my goal is to loose at least the 15 lbs I have gained since the last WW meeting I went to...at least then hopefully I won't have to keep unbuttoning my pants everytime I sit down. Ultimately I would like to go for 30 lbs....but I am keeping it realistic here

So for next week

• Set up a good meal plan for the whole week - actually plan out healthy and nutritious dinners that take less then 30 minutes to prepare
• Drink my water - 6 20 ounce glasses/bottles a day
• Actually eat some form of nutrious breakfast so I am not circling the vending machine like a rabid wolf at 9am in the morning and choosing thing like ring dings
• Get on my elliptical machine at least 3 times - now notice I am not putting a time limit - if I can get up and do it for 10 minutes...then at least I am doing it right...

and happy dance...happy dance....clap for me - my first HTML thingy....

Holy Carp....

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Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock

the day is getting closer....the day I begin THE DIET!!!!

I have joined in on a challege per-se...to become a Future MILF... and am I current MILF but only to my hubby and while that is nice I would like someone other than the dregs of humanity asking me if I "want fries with my shake..."

and shake i have which is why I decided to go for it...

For more information check out the blog that started it all http://mom-o-matic.blogspot.com/

(note one of my resolutions is to learn about HTML crap - anyone got a good website with easy instructions???)

It won't be easy and many days I'll be cranky (how that differs from now is anyones guess) - but my hubby is behind me (get yer minds out of the gutter...) and is willing to go back to eating healthier and giving me space to exercise (hold on...that laughing in my head is at it again)...

So if anyone has had any good luck with simple, cheap and easy exercise plans let me hear them...I have an ellipitcal machine at home and *hope* to use it 3 x's per week - because of a bad ankle prolonged running (once again that laughing in my head) and walking is out...but what about some form of Yoga or Pilates??? Whatever they are....

seriously F-me....

and I am not talking to my husband here....

I am a big ol' computer LOSER to the n'th degree...

I know S*#T about computers so I ask myself "Self, why did you start a blog?"

answer is I don't really know...to get some frustration out...

well I have not a clue what HTML is - if I can cut, paste, copy and adjust I can do alright...so what did I do...

I added like 10 more websites to my sidebar...

I should have stopped there...but I didn't

I decided to see what othe things Blogger had to offer...

OH LOOK - a different looking template - why sure it will keep everything I just spent the past hour imputting - right...

NOPE - no f'n way....

so until I have another hour to fix my links...enjoy the basic Blogger ones

a little of this and a dash of that

ahhh....Christmas is almost here....the lights are up - the presents are bought - some are even wrapped and my house is starting to get tidy....

My kids are five so this is the perfect age for them to have adoration of all things Santa...

However this morning TW comes running into my room all bright eyed and bushy tailed, her hair looking like she got a late night vists from some gnawing rats...she was just so freakin excited and she was jumping up and down, clapping her hands in glee and shouting.....

JENNA IS COMING....JENNA IS COMING

and before you even ask - I might be mean but I didn't tell my girls that Santa had a sex change and is now going by the name Jenna Clause...

No Jenna is a very sweet college student that happens to work at my daughters daycare...now let me preface this by saying the Third child and I don't get a chance to go out very often - we don't have family (ahem AKA FREE babysitters) around - so when we do go out we have to save up for it - sort of like I guess Christmas...

So the Third Childs work party is tonight and of course last week he asked if WE could find a babysitter

• Ok Tanget Time....why is it men always seem to say WE...they don't really mean it - what they really mean is YOU...so why say WE....- I mean they sit there and say "Why don't WE plan to go out next week" - what they are really saying is "Hey I have an idea why don't WE go out - so that means you make all the plans, even though it is not your idea to go out and make sure you find a babysitter and oh yeah don't forget to remind me about OUR plans 50 bajillion times because I have the attention span of a gnat" .... do they add up all these supposed WE's in their little head - so when you are in the middle of an argument for the 50th time about he never makes plans he can whip out - "I make plans for US all the time....don't you remember when WE planned...."

anyway so I asked Jenna and lo and behold she is done with classes and she could babysit - told the girls and they are super excited

I asked TW who she is more excited about Jenna or Santa Clause.....her response - Jenna

Probably because Santa comes more often then Babysitters.... and he is a hell of a lot cheaper on the pocketbook then paying for 5 hours of babysitting...

*********************************************************
A Christmas Miracle???

A recent conversation with TW

TW: Mommy what do you want for Christmas
ME: Peace from my children
TW: Sorry Santa can't do that kind of magic...

so true...so true....

Girls and their muffies....

I started a bad habit...I have already introduced my girls to the glorious wonder that is a coffee shop - and I am not talking your run of the mill hole-in-the-wall .95 cents a cup coffee place...

I am talking about your overexposed, wallet bulging places...

My favorites - Starbucks (or Fourbucks as my astute friend Liz calls it) and Panera...

Being a hunting widow for most Saturdays in the fall and the spring I have found I function much better with a cup of coffee in the morning...but alas I lack the coffee making gene so I must go someplace and fork over an hours worth of salary to make me happy and yes it does make me happy and my girls know it...I was in line at Starbucks one day and PWG told the lady behind us "I don't know what is in the cup but it helps my mommy not yell as much" - I didn't know whether to be horrified or proud that she has such a great power of perception.


Anyway since I have PWG and TW tagging along every Saturday morning I sort of have to feed them and buy them some sort of liquid norishment...or else they would stand there and whine totally destroying the nirvana that my hot cup of Chai Tea or flavor of the month latte gives me

At Starbucks it is easy you have your choice of muffin, muffin, muffin and if you are lucky MAYBE a cheese danish...Blueberry muffin seems to be the food of choice when we partake of Starbucks

Now Panera is a whole other story because thier counter is FILLED with all sorts of breakfastesty goodness - one of which happens to be something called a muffie...yes a muffie - it is the Preppy Nicole Richie like cousin of your standard muffin...a small round flat disk of a muffin - a muffin on a diet I suppose - for those Seinfield fans...akin to the famous Muffin top....

Anyway PWG is enamored of the muffie - especially the Chocolate Chip one...(go figure a 5 year old that gets chocolate for breakfast - what's not to like) - so the other day as we are on our way out of town we stop at Panera to get some breakfast.

TW got a blueberry muffin (she is on some weird blueberry muffin kick lately) and PWG got a Chocolate Chip Muffie - I got a bagel with cream cheese because some old couple got the last Spinach and Articoke Baked Egg Souffle (I spent most of the time shooting eye daggers their way...because the S&A is da' bomb) ...now of course halfway through our meal both girls announced they had to go potty (naturally....) so we gathered everything up and went to the potty...and when we were done we all climbed in the car and I told them they could finish up eating while we were driving...

Then the conversation got very interesting...

PWG: I love Muffies - they taste so good

TW: Is your muffie soft?

PWG: Yep - you want a taste of my muffie

TW: Sure (takes a bite) - oh PWG I love your muffie

PWG: I love my muffie too...maybe next time you can get a muffie and I can eat some

TW: OK we will both get muffies so we can eat each others muffies

at the last comment I burst out laughing...so hard that i had tears streaming down my face...

I am a horrible, horrible mother....I kept thinking to myself...hey if they could bottle that conversation and have it in a bar about 15 years from now they would NEVER have to buy themselves another drink...

Ahh yes the picture....

The guilded $89 birthday card....

Drowning in the Gene Pool

My family is an odd one...I am sure many families have their weird Uncle Joe or thier crazy Aunt Sue...I just feel like sometimes my family has an overabundance of weirdos.

It may not be that the people themselves are weird...but they just do weird things.

Ok my great uncle who spent the 80's as a Boy George impersonator is weird...

This past Thanksgiving I spent time at my parents house with my sister and my Aunt and Uncle (mothers brother)...while there I learned my mother who can barely figure out how to work a cordless phone is appearently a TIVO savant - man those fingers were flying over that remote...because gosh forbid she doesn't TIVO all the Walker, Texas Ranger episodes in any given day the world might just implode.

Now my mom is holding her own...but looking down the line to where she is headed, i.e. my grandmother, the outlook isn't good...

While sitting around Thanksgiving night my aunt asked if I had seen my mothers birthday card from my grandmother...nope I hadn't...so she sent my uncle into the guestroom to get it...

Now my mother turned 60 this year - a big birthday...every year my grandmother gives all her kids the same thing for thier birthdays - a check for $100 - but not for my mothers 60th...oh no

My mother got a check for $11 - now you may ask "what happened to the other $89" of her $100 Birthday Check

My uncle appeared in the doorway with a piece of foam board about 3ft high by about 1.5 ft wide....in the middle was a picture of my mother with the wording Happy Birthday...the 60 was done up very nicely in the form of gold Sacagawea $1 coins...but oh no that wasn't all - the whole thing was framed in the gold coins...a total of 89 in all...SUPERGLUED to the foam board...

As soon as I can get the picture off my camera I promise I will post it - because a card such as this is just to yummy to keep all to myself...

I told my mother we should bring it with us when we went shopping on Black Friday...surely Target would be happy to accept a 4.5 square foot foam board worth $89 as payment?

A snapshot of my life

Right now I am sitting at my brand spanking new totally pimped out Dell computer....I just finished conversing via gmail with a good friend...PWG and TW are taking turns (nicely for a change) playing Reader Rabbit Kindergarden on their new (the computer formally known as mommy and daddy's) computer....the dog is snuffling the cat on the floor....and Lovely hubby is sitting in bed "reading" the latest copy of Playboy...

ah domestic bliss....

Ok before you'll call CPS on me...DH does have the cover of the Playboy covered up with one of his hunting magazines (whats better for a 5 year old to see...a little T&A busting out of a skimpy bikini or a dead deer???) and he is actually reading the Dixie Chicks interview and BOTH hands are completely visible...

What a bunch of pissers...

Last night one of the damn cats pissed on our bed - not once - not twice but three F'n times...the first time thank good we have like 10 million covers on our bed so it barely got to the mattress top - I sprayed the heck out of the top with Natures Secret and then put a thick towel down and put new covers on - the second time we managed to grab him right at the start of the stream but we still had to remove the blanklet and sheets - we then put them in the bathroom - until about 4:50am when I couldn't stand the meowing and whailing (BTW I didn't get to sleep until 2am last night) and I let them out thinking surely they won't pee again....

oh yes one did...this time it was in almost the exact same spot as the first time...luckly both my LEGS!!!!!! (nothing like being woken up by warm pee running down your legs....not somuch into bedroom watersports) and the towel I had put down previously caught the pee... so we stripped the bed yet once again (this makes the third time)

Back into the bathroom they went - Lovely Hubby went to the guest room to sleep and I curled up on my bare matteress with our last lone blanket curled up in the fetal position with a pillow over my head to drown out the yowling....

You know they could have peed anywhere else and I would have gotten upset but would have dealt with it - but F' with the most expensive thing (my 3K matteress & no I didn't actually pay that much for it but still....) I have ever bought for my home and some kitty ass is getting whooped!!!!!!

I told Lovely Hubby that last night was only second to the night he fell down the stairs and had to be taken to the trauma center at a hospital in the city via ambulance all the while while I am talking with the periamedics (who thought LH might have broken his neck) I get thrown up on by both my children because they both had the stomach flu...that was the worst night...last night is only second to that....and considering I survived the first year of motherhood of twins and we had some nasty nights...

So when I get home I have 3 more loads of comforters and sheets to do - I need to find someplace I can take my down comforter to be cleaned (I was planning on doing this anyway - the kitty pee just forces me to actually take action) and I will be going to Kohls to get a jumbo waterproof top sheet for my bed JUST IN CASE this ever happens again...or I am clumsy and spill my tea all over my bed

I am going to try changing thier cat litter to a different brand and see if that works - I know which kitty did it all too - it was Max....this morning he walked right by me and took a big dump in his litter box...but appearently he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to pee on my bed of all the f'n places....if he wants to pee on a bed why couldn't he have peed on the girls beds - at least they have plastic covered matteresses

Why I will never be PTA President

The other day i got an e-mail from a friend - in it she stated she was having a bad day and needed cheering up...

so I sent her the following... my personal favorite is the last one...

Of Cats Asses and Big Butts

Last Friday I got a rare treat – a date with my husband…no kids…no worries. On our way to our dinner we started discussing our cats…

We got 2 kittens about 5 months ago – a grey tabby and an orange tabby. Both have slowly become a part of our family. The orange one is my husband’s favorite – he curls up with him…he snuggles with him. The grey one is quite honestly one of the best cats I’ve ever owned – if you can get past the fact he likes to pee on Mermaid Barbie in our girls bathtub (who knows maybe Barbie really enjoys that type of water sport???) – he has our dog wrapped around his little paw – he will flop down in front of the dog and the dog will nuzzle it’s little belly…all he has to do is meow and the dog comes right to his side…I swear if they had the proper parts they would mate…In addition the grey one is perfect around the kids – he lets the girls do whatever they want to him – be it put him in a stroller and push him around…dress him up like the wolf dressed as Granny and play out the story of the Three Little Pigs…I do think one day he will crack if he hasn’t already – I can sort of see it in his eyes when the girls go to grab him – I can almost hear him saying to himself “They’re coming…go to the happy place…go to the happy place” – I may be the first person to own a cat with multiple personalities in a few years

Anyway we have found that the cats have the gastric equivalent of my husband…meaning they can clear a bathroom in under 2.7 seconds. Both my husband and I were discussing how such small creatures can make odors an such a grandiose scale. This got us into a discussion about air freshers – because I think I have tried just about everyone out there under $5…I remarked that they needed to have an air fresher scale…a scale made up of cat asses…have a small stink – use Febreeze with a one cat ass rating – a larger stink – move up to Glad plug-ins with a two Cat Ass rating….

I have yet to come across a GREAT freshener – one with say a Cat Ass rating of 5…because that is what I think I need…the closet thing I have come across is Bath and Body works room sprays…Cat Ass rating of 3.97

Thanks to http://www.nataliedee.com/

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This morning I was helping TW put on some jeans…only problem was the jeans were a size 6X and well my daughter has no ass…so I told her she had a skinny butt and pulled out another pair of jeans from her drawer…her response

“When I am a mommy I’ll have a big butt just like you”

To think I couldn’t wait for the day she would utter her first word….

Three tickets = $90

but the look on PWG face the moment Tinkerbelle hit the ice in her skates for the start of Disney Princesses on Ice made the $90 seem like such a very small price to pay....

In front of us sat a mother and daughter - both wearing princess crowns with ears they were selling for $10 a pop... what made them unique among the crowd of mothers and daughters was the daughter looked to be about 14 ....

I can only hope and pray when my girls are teenagers they would still want to go see Disney Princesses on Ice with me...no matter what the cost.

Frolicking animals strike again!!!

So the other day I am in my backyard weeding out a flowerbed when much to my amazement I see two grasshoppers going at it - right on my big thing-a-migger plant (have no clue what it is...) - of course PWG is right by my side and looks at said grasshoppers and asks me what they are doing...my standard reply "Why honey they are just frolicking" to which her reply was "wow lots of animals frolick"

See about a year and a half ago we were at a local park - this park is really a hidden gem - lots of green space, a kiddie petting park and a beautiful nature center that houses 2 otters (do you see where I am going) - on a previous trip they had a nature center specialist answering questions - one of the questions about the two otters was "Can they mate?" - the answer "Technically no" - the specialist explained that they were in fact two different species of otters but since one was male and one was female there parts did "cooperate" and they could "have fun". Some snickering from the adults in the crowd and lots of puzzled faces on the wee ones...

Well the next time we went we went to see the otters and they were awake and playing with each other in the water...then...OMG...what are those otters doing - and right up against the clear glass wall of all places...my daughters naturally curious asked "mommy what are the otters doing???" - trying to keep my cool as I tried to avert my eyes from the Otter porn that was playing out in front of me I simply said "Oh they are frolicking" - which elicited snickers from the other adults who also couldn't tear their eyes away from the scene as well...of course just as I said that the female otter manged to wrench herself out from underneath the male and left him with his Otter hard-on pressed up against the glass...Luckly, both girls had become engrossed in another exhibit so I didn't have to explain about Otter joysticks.

Fast forward to this past May and our trip to Seaworld...oh yes home to many a marine mammal...lots and lots of frolicking going on there...so the girls got the frolicking speech at the Manetee habitat, the dolphin habitat and my favorite one because much like the Otters...we got to see first hand penis up against glass...the Walrus habitat - actually the poor Walruses don't have mates - they have big plastic buoy things with holes in them for thier mating pleasures....

So appearently if you want to teach your kids about the birds and the bees - you don't need a book or a video...simply point them outdoors and show them what nature has to offer...

Word to the wise

Two things that should NEVER mix

5 years olds & the fragrance section at Kohls

one moment I had 2 giggling girls...the next i had two giggling girls that smelled like...well what i would imagine a french whore would smell like.

A month...that's nothing in a world of Chaos

So someone recently pointed out to me that it has been a month since I last posted and sure enough it has...unfortunatley me expressing myself on the internet for all the world to share in my life takes the absolute backseat to other going ons in my life...such as

MY BABIES STARTED KINDERGARTEN

WAHHHHHHHHHH

Yes my sweet, innocent (wait a second...let me laugh - HA HA HA) little girls now have backpacks almost as big as them, ride a bus, write in journals, learn basic math, play on computers, hit boys, wiggle, etc....

I know you are saying WHOA.....hit boys???? wiggle???? what type of K are your girls in????

Well let's start with the Hitting Boys...

Apparently PWG has been putting the smack-down on some poor little boy the past two days. See the girls are in two different class, which means me having to deal with two different teachers who can't seem to get in-synch with what they are teaching (a whole tanget I am not going to go into today) - anyway PWG class get numbers every day with 5 being the highest you can get...so on Monday she comes home with a 4 and a short scribble from the teacher saying she hit a boy...so we have the talk...about how it is Ok to be angry but you should never hit anyone....I asked why she hit him and she said "he was bothering me" - Oh honey...such a lesson to learn at such a young age "BOYS ARE ALWAYS A BOTHER"...so I thought our little talk cleared everything....ummm nope not so much - last night she comes home with a 3 - not only did she hit said boy AGAIN but she also scribbled on the table with crayon - EI YI YI - so yet again we had the talk about the biy and that if he bothers her again to just walk away and tell a teacher...

Part of me feels a little hypocritcal...considering in probably about 10 years I'll be telling her if a boy "bothers" her to smack him upside his head.

I just want to know how PWG has all of a sudden gone from my sweet baby to my Million Dollar Baby?

And the wiggling....such a fun topic...

Well about a month ago I noticed TW (who BTW has lost a total of 3 teeth now - PWG = none) laying on the floor of our living room on her stomach and she was wiggling her butt back and forth - I really thought nothing of it because I myself am a fidgety type person who can't seem to stay still. Then my hubby saw it and looked at me with panic stricken eyes and slowly mouthed the words "What. The. Hell. Is. She. Doing!" - so then the conversation proceeded along these lines

ME: Whatcha; doing sweetie

TW: Wigglin'

ME: Why are you wigglin'

TW: Because it feels good (at this point Hubbies eyes get real wide and he stumbles out of the room)

ME: Where does it feel good

TW: (points to her hoo-ha)

ME: OH!

So after consulting some other mommies and various internet sites I came to the conclusion that my child is not over-sexed at age 5 and that what she is doing is normal (in moderation). We ended up having a talk and told her that it was fine if she wiggled but that it was something private and should be done in her room, good thing we have Berber carpet thoughout...

As far as I can tell she only seems to want to wiggle when Sesame Street comes on...which is making me look at Oscar the Grouch and Bob the shopkeeper in a whole different light now...