BLOG CANDY!!!!

Who wants some sweet treats….

Some of you may know and others may not…but I tend to be a little crafty…Scrapbooking and stamping is my hobby. I really enjoy making things – family scrapbooks, handcrafted cards, small giftables, etc…I like to think I do a pretty darn good job and at least a few people think so as well because they actually buy some of my items. I have a separate crafting blog set up – Stamptopia. However it gets neglected far more than this one.

I am actually in the process of setting up an Etsy store called CRAFTY PLEASURES …I am hoping that I will have a few items in my new shop by early next week…

What does this have to do with my BLOG CANDY?

Because one lucky person is going to get a sampling of items that will be featured in my shop!!!!

Yes yes shameless self promotion of me and my new shop…

So what do you have to do to get in on the action…

Leave a comment

But just don’t leave any comment…I am always on the lookout for a fun, new blog to read…so leave me a comment and let me know what your favorite blog to waste time …and don’t try to suck up and say mine :)

I will use the RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR on Friday at about noon EST to determine who the winner of my BLOG CANDY is - and post it here :)

*Note if you post as Anonymous please put your first name or initials in with your comment…if an anonymous wins we’ll find a way to get in contact :)

Good luck to all

BLOG CANDY!!!!!!

OK all....I am getting close to 10K views...know I know I check my blog out a lot but it must mean that someone other than myself is viewing a glimpse into my life...

Here is the deal...tomorrow I will be telling you all about the BLOG CANDY I will be giving away...what will you have to do...well I will tell you tomorrow :)

Delving Deeper into Mommydom

So last night while TW was digging through her notebook she told me she had something for me…

Uhh OK

And so she handed me a note…

What did said note say.

Deer Mom and Dad.

Please let me git my eers pirced. Everyone else has theer eers pirced.

Oh yes – it has begun…

EVERYBODY ELSE HAS….

Once again I figured we had some time before the gimmees and wants and the EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO…came on strong…

But I was wrong and confronted full face last night…all written up in 1st grade grammar and writing.

My response was “well I am sure not EVERYONE has their ears pierced”

To which TW responded…”Oh yes – Riley, Laura, Katie, Jenna all have their ears pierced”

And I said “Well PWG doesn’t have her ears pierced” {to which PWG girl piped up and stated she didn’t want her ears pierced}

And in response I got “PWG doesn’t count – she isn’t included with EVERYONE” – out of the mouth of babes…

So of course I responded with the question that is encoded in every mommies DNA

“If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you”

And TW with her smark-alec self said “No – that would be stupid – what does that have to do with getting my ears pierced”

Ummmm nothing….

Anyway the answer was NO…I told her maybe in a few years…but for now I have enough to deal with and quite frankly I don’t think someone who can’t even remember to flush the toilet 60% of the time is ready for the responsibility of pierced ears…

When I need a laugh...

One site I like to frequent is called BEST OF CRAIGSLIST

It is a cumulative spot where well the best postings of Craiglist can be found...in some cases it is items people are looking to sell...in other cases they are mindless rants that make soda shoot out of my nose as I giggle too hard...

some of my favorites from the past few months - (just click the link - sit back and enjoy)

PINK VAGINA COUCH - in all actuality it looks quite comfy - it would probably be the perfect addition to any lesbian home.

CARTON OF IRREGULAR CAT HATS - ummm anyone else going for the theory the cat committed suicide?

GRANNY PORN - just one word EWWWWWW....

ON THE PROWL - some people just don't have standards....

FARTING DOG - this one had tears of laughter coming from my eyes

CONCEITED PENIS - daymn

There are many many many others....so go goof off and read :)

Happy Thursday!!!

Freedom...sweet freedom

It is Spring Break this week – and you know what that means…

NO HOMEWORK….

That is right – no hassling my kids about their spelling lists…no having to sit there for 20 minutes listening to some insane kids book…no projects…no math homework…

Yeah for ME!!!!!

Yeah sure it is Spring Break for the kids – but come on let’s face it 1st graders don’t do their homework alone…they want mommy or daddy right there to help them…

Although they have gotten better over the past year and manage to do 50% of their homework on their own now (VS 0% the first 2 months of school)– we still have to look over their homework and decipher what their sentences say…

ME: PWG…what are you trying to say in this sentence “I lik too eet big peenuss”
PWG: I like to eat big peanuts
ME: OH…well let’s get that eraser out and fix some spellings…

Don’t even get me started about the lovely drawings of “peanuts” she did with PEENUSS spelled above it…you have imaginations - use them…

Granted 1st grade homework isn’t that hard…but you try telling an OCD – perfectionism rules child, such as TW is, that she made a mistake…oh all hell breaks loose…I will admit more than once I have let something go that I know was wrong just so I don’t have to deal with the whining and the frustration coming from a 50lb shedevil-child – after all we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, right?…and college ain’t going to be looking at 1st grade transcripts.

Last night I got home and looked around and felt so relaxed…no rushing to see who has what homework…so trying to listen to 2 kids read their books out loud while trying to prepare dinner…no last minute wails of “I forgot to do XYZ and I need to do it for tomorrow” as we are tucking them into bed…

I giggle with anticipation for this evening….

VIVA LA SPRING BREAK!!!!

Because the roofer peed I got new shoes....

Last weekend we had high winds here on Friday and Saturday...

I was at the twins yardsale Friday night and all day Saturday...get home about 5pm on Sat and notice a hella' bunch of shingles on the driveway...

Get inside and TC tells me he has contacted our roofing guy (who we had out last year to repair our leaky roof and last month during the last wind storm to replace a few shingles from the front of the house) and he would come out to take a look in the morning...I really start freaking because the last time we had him out to replace like 3 shingles on the front of the house it cost us $125 and there was a whole huge patch missing this time (F'n wind) - I calm down a little when I realize we actually have a little wiggle room in our budget this month...

So 9AM on Sunday morning (really 8 am to me...) I wake up to the dog barking ... go downstairs and find TC talking with the roofer...then the roofer leaves....hummm

So TC tells me that the roofer will be back but we have a problem...Turns out roofer guy jumped our fence .... TC didn't even know he was at our house until PWG piped up and told him someone was in our backyard!!!!

So TC gets up to look out the window and realizes roofer is taking a leak behind our shed...Now our backyard is WIDE open...many other homes can see directly INTO our backyard because thier houses sit higher and the lot behind ours is the drain field on the cul-de-sac - so NO cover...

TC is livid and goes out to have words and explain that peeing behind our shed is NOT appropriate and that we have young girls...the guy apologizes and says he had a lot of coffee - TC tells him that he could have knocked and used our bathroom with no problem...and the fact that he jumped the fence our dog could have attacked him (ha ha ha more like licked him to death) - but still (we do have Beware of dog signs)

So the guy is very apologitic and says he realizes we are good customers and that he will fix our roof for free. TC tells me he thinks we shouldn't ever hire him again...I point out that the guy came over on a freakin SUNDAY morning to fix our roof...

So anyway the guy had to leave to get the right shingles and comes back about 11am...to which we get 2 calls from neighbors wondering how the hell did we get someone to come and fix our roof on a Sunday morning...

Needless to say when I called home at 2pm (the girls and I had to go to a girl scout cookie booth sale) TC told me the roofer was still in the neighborhood fixing his 4th house for the day.....seems once he was done with ours - he went to our two neighbors and then someone saw him working on our neighbors house and well...who knows how many more he might have done as he worked his way further into the neighborhood...

So yes he did fix our house for Free...but somehow I think he more than made up for his "loss"

So on Monday in the mail we get the Kohls flyer - I will readily admit it I am a Kohls whore...especially around Clearence time...and it had one of those - 15-20 or 30% off things on the front cover...so I slowly peel the sticker away to reveal a 30% off - good for this Thursday through Sunday.....

Whooo Hoooo

Now that we don't have to pay for the roof to be fixed we can certainly spend some of that "wiggle room" money - Momma needs a new pair of shoes...

However...karma is a bitch...

I am currently living on 3 hours of not so good sleep...ended up taking PWG to the ER at 3am this morning - she had started complaining at 7pm while we were at Kohls that her tummy hurt - we asked all the pertinent questions and just thought it was a small tummy ache and it would go away as she slept...

Well she moaned most of the evening while sleeping...wound up in my bed at about midnight...at about 3 she really started whimpering and I felt her tummy again and it had a hardness to it so I told TC I would take her to the ER - while I was getting dressed she puked (luckly into a trash can)

so from 3 until 6 we were at the ER with a few more puking incidents (one of which occured while she was on the pot...she leaned over and puked right in her underwear between her legs...needless to say I just threw those away)

Got the diagnosis of the stomach flu with a slight UTI...joy...

the Dr. wished us luck and mentioned that anti-nasuea pills he prescribed SHOULD an adult need to take one to take the whole thing and not split it in half...double joy on that...

So now every little twing in my stomache is making me think "Am I next?"

where did I put my apron - I think I need my tequila now...

Gin in my Apron Pocket....

well I am back on the wagon...well so to speak...

Thanks to Lotta last year I joined the MILF club - you know Mothers I'd like to (you know you know)

I will admit that I weigh the same this year as last year...{head hung in shame}

BUT I am about ready to start WW again (third times the charm right?) - It has worked for me in the past and I am no where near the weight I was when I FIRST started WW a number of years ago...

Anyway since alot of people involved in the MILF group have found thier lives have taken different paths - Lotta has decided to start a new group - Gin in my Apron Pocket

Although I do hold the right to replace the Gin with Tequila...after all a Margarita isn't a Margarita without Tequila (and triple sec and lime and salt)

so I am taking on the group to better myself this year...I have goals...little goals but goals nonetheless

• Loose 20 lbs
• Actually go on a family vacation this year
• Work on getting an Etsy shop up and actually running...need something to pay for all my craft clutter
• Say F' it and let my girls have ice cream for dinner every few months
• Try not to stress out over our possible kitchen remodel
• Hide the Tagalongs so PWG won't find them and eat them all...{I bought them for me!!!}
• Blog more often...let's see small steps - say 2X's per week at least
• Actually leave comments on the peoples blogs I read :)

So that's about all I have for now....

More and more like a child everyday...

So PWG and TW and I have this routine we do - it started as a quick kiss on the lips…then it moved to Eskimo nose rubs then a kiss on the forehead…

So every time I say goodbye to my girls or tuck them in at night the routine has now evolved into this

Kiss, Kiss (lips)
Hug, Hug (self explanatory)
Nosey, Nosey (Eskimo rubs)
Kiss on the forehead

Of course my little OCD TW girl needs to have it done 3 times…

Anyway so last night TC picked the girls up from afterschool care, got them dinner and started on their homework because I had an errand to run…needless to say they were in full 6 going on 7 mode last night…whiney, bitchy and all around aggravating. I got home about 6:15pm

By about 7pm he just looked at me and said “can I escape for a little while they are driving me nuts”

Sure go ahead…I figured he would go to the Man Mecca of Home Depot or Gander Mountain…

So I actually get the girls into bed about 8pm (sweet hallelujah) and settle in with my 101 little things to do around the house…by about 9pm I had settled in front of the TV tagging clothes for my twins club yards ale this weekend and watching Ghost Hunters on Sci-Fi channel (freaked me the hell out…every time I heard a little noise I was all jumpy)

So I look up at the clock and see it is about 10pm – hummm wonder where TC is so I call him on his Cell and ask if he is coming home anytime soon…

On his way he tells me…and where was he – not at Home Depot nor Gander Mountain – he was at the pinnacle of all Man Mecca’s – HOOTERS.

Turns out he called a friend and decided to go grab a drink with him – at HOOTERS…

You know if I ever win the lottery – I am opening my own restaurant…what am I going to call it - BUNS – everything on the menu will be served on some type of Bun…but that isn’t what will draw people in - Oh no – the slab of beefcake poured in to cute tight bike shorts and chest-hugging tank tops serving food will. Now granted a man planted firmly in heterosexual land won’t step foot in the place – but it sure would be a smash with sexually frustrated housewives and gay boys.

Anyway – TC makes it home and we talk for a little while before he retires to the guest room (no trouble in paradise – TC had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago and needs room to spread out while he sleeps because he can’t move his arm in certain directions)…

So I go in to give him a kiss goodnight…and what do I do without even realizing until the deed was done…

Kiss, Kiss (lips)
Hug, Hug (self explanatory)
Nosey, Nosey (Eskimo rubs)
Kiss on the forehead

My new Porn...

Screw naked chicks and men with big ummm FEET?

I have a wonderful new version of Porn in my life...

Pictures of kitchens...

not just any old humpty-dumpty kitchen...all sagging and crusty around the edges.

But pictures of bright NEW kitchens with BIG bold countertops and all sorts of shiney knobs.

Where brand new french door refidgerators humm along and shiney new dishwashers just scream "look at me - aren't I fancy"

After taking a long look at our finances Third Child and I decided to see what a contractor might say about putting an addition on our house...and not just any addition...a new kitchen addition...

{swoon ... faint}

So we meet with the contractor and go through the basics of what we want...

See this wall here - push it out about 12 feet...rearrage the kitchen, make the Utility room bigger and if you can make it happen a nice Man cave underneath the addition...as in a few years TC is going to be dealing with not only pre-menopause PMS from me...but the teen agnst of two teenage daughters...

So he comes back and says - well I can't give you a closer figure because we need to get a structural engineer out here but I think the cost is going to be somewhere in this neighborhood...

And that Neighborhood is quite expensive...but within the amount we could spend...

SO let the fun begin...

Really is it so wrong to get all hot and bothered by a GE Appliance catalog...

I am sure someday soon TC will be calling me from our bedroom and when I get there he will be stark nakkers holding just a Kitchencraft cabinet catalog and saying "Here honey let me read to you all the different cabinet pull out options...."

Oh yeah baby you know just how to get me in the mood....tell me more about knob options too

Like a deer in headlights…

So today at work I had some stuff to do on a special computer we have. Said computer is in a room at the front of our section that has a big picture window to the hallway.

So I gathered up my stuff, including my MP3 player and headed towards the dungeon.

Now, I must tell you my MP3 player is a little psycho. I have quite a wide variety of songs in it because I like to download other people’s playlists from Rhapsody, in addition to the songs I like and of course the sanity saving kids songs I have downloaded on my little thing.

So that being said I have quite a large variety of ALL different types of music on my player. It gets quite interesting when I sit back and hit “shuffle”. I go from rocking out to “Crazy Bitch” or “Moneymaker” to “I’ve Got a Song in my Tummy” or “Monster Boogie”…

So today I am sitting in a dark room, looking at a computer and rocking out to some songs…”Them Bones” – great song oh yes “Basketcase” – one of my all time faves…and then a song comes on…humm I haven’t heard that one in a while…oh yeah it is sort of catchy…and I start bopping around….

About a minute later I turn around and I am startled by one of the “big guys” (you know the ones with offices in the “Administration” section)…and he asks “What are you listening to?”

Ummmm wellll…there I was caught…like a deer in headlights

What was I doing?

I was MMMBopping….

Yes yes I was MMMBopping….

I guess it could have been worse – I could have been Wang Chunging???

Actually since they have cut their hair and grown up a little they don't look half-bad....a little MMMyummy

Avoiding Death –Take 2

So yet another Multiples club outing and another chance for me to almost bite the big one…

Setting – Skateland

Now I must admit in my younger years I was a kickass rollerskater…I could even skate backwards…and with my pink roller skates with the white glitter pom-poms I was the ultimate of early 80’s hipness

However that was many many many many…did I say many years ago…

Last Saturday I took PWG and TW to the roller rink…paid the money and got my death on eight wheels…

Got the girls laced up and then it was my turn…just when I thought there was nothing nastier than rental bowling shoes I was shown otherwise…

Ok got them laced up and up on my feet and BAM on my ass…

Well crap

Yah know when you are a big gal it is a little hard to get yourself up off the floor…try it with 8 wheels attached to your feet and it is a site to behold…luckily I was close to the bench so I used that to pull myself up on…

Anyway it took some wobbly turns around the rink and things started coming back to me…like riding a bike…

And everything was all well and good until my little ones started hanging on me…that totally kills your sense of balance…which in turn caused me to go BAM in the middle of the Skateland floor…

Well crap

So I am looking around and find I am about 10 ft from the side of the rink…what else could I do – I start to crawl across the floor…you would think that a friend might be able to help me..no? Well R would have if she hadn’t been doubled over laughing & saying “I think I am going to pee myself” – meanwhile people are still zipping past me and I am praying no one gets too close to my hands with their wheels of death because well I like to use them for things…

So I get to the side and right myself…and tell TW and PWG if they think they are going to fall to abandon the SS Mommy so as not to take her down with them…and that worked…
For awhile

Until the time TW “forgot” to let go – unfortunately instead of falling backward on my cushion of an ass I went smack down to the front – right smack on my kneecap and elbow

Well crap

So I lie there for a second until the skate Nazi comes by and tells me “ummm madam you can’t just lie in the middle of the rink” – really…no shit Sherlock and freakin’ don’t call me madam..nevermind I realized he was all of about 14 years old…you know you are old when you look at a teenager and realize that you are in fact old enough to be their mother…without being pregnant in your teenage years yourself…

So I once again somehow get my body in an upright position and make it to the outside of the rink so I can examine my knee…no blood and I can move it – although currently it is a nice mottled shade of yellowish/green.

In the end I had fun – really I did…I would even think about going back. Humm I wonder if I can find a pair of pink skates with white glitter pom-poms?

What’s most important to you…

The other day TC and I were discussing many things

One being our budget as we are trying to decide if we can afford to put an addition on to our house…a big beautiful addition filled with new kitchen cabinets and shiny awesome appliances and maybe…just maybe…a man-cave for TC underneath the addition…

Dreams are a good thing right?

We got on the discussion of our “vacations” for this year – aka who are we going to mootch off of…

Easter – my parents in NC…close enough for a quick visit..drop off their girl scout cookies and the added plus is they have a skeeball machine that the girls love to play…although my mother might make me bring our Wii so she can once again attempt to rule at bowling…she is so darn competitive…

June – back to NC cause my lil’ sis is getting married…I asked not to be a bridesmaid as my Size 14 ass and 34 year old body would not look so good next to the Size 2 asses on the 20 something bodies…the girls however are going to be freakin adorable – A-DOR-A-BLE as little flower girls…white dresses and all…

July – off to the IL’s for 4th of July…{note to self…see if I can score some Valium before July 4}

August – a possible roadtrip to Florida…yes we are insane why ever do you ask…we figure a night or two stop over in Savannah for delicious food and maybe a quick trip to the Girl Scout museum for the girls…so they can have yet another patch for their Brownie vest. Wind up in Fl at my grandparents and spend a few days there…Not into trying to do Disney…so we are thinking maybe a trip to Cape Canaveral (when I told the girls G’Pa Bill used to work with Astronauts they got all excited) and a trip to GATORLAND!!!!

Now one might ask whatever would possess us to drive 13 hours one way in a car with two 7 year olds in the middle of August…

Family – my grandparents aren’t getting any younger – even if they are in their 80’s and still play golf almost everyday and the opportunity for my girls to even have a chance to spend time with their great-grandparents is worth it…

Family is also the reason I had to stick to my guns and claim Thanksgiving with my family.

Growing up Thanksgiving was just a day – it was a day we got together and stuffed ourselves…our table was very unusual from year to year as we always filled it with family friends…the most unusual year would be the one where our guests included not only a Catholic Monsignor but also a young gay couple – ah if only my Boy George impersonating great uncle could of made it that year…that would have been one hella’ of a good time…

Anyway for our immediate family Christmas was the special time – the Christmas Eve rituals – the joking and conversation on Christmas morning…

When TC and I first got married I didn’t care about being with my family so much at Thanksgiving but I wanted Christmas…

However 2 years ago the week before Christmas my brother was involved in a fatal car accident…Christmas would never be the same for our family.

Over the past 2 years Thanksgiving has morphed into a whole new meaning for my immediate family…we realize now that life and loss go hand in hand and what Thanksgiving really means to us…Family and being together…so I told TC – he can have Christmas but I am not giving up my new Thanksgiving.

Curse of the Mother F’n Binder…

Note to all those who don’t have children yet in school…

When they get to a point where one of the school supply items is a notebook…

And that notebook will be traveling back and forth, back and forth every day…

Buy about 6 of them – I know on the sheet it will say 1 notebook…but trust me on this

After a week in the hands of a 6 year old it will look like it was used as a bullet shield during a gangland shootout…

The girls notebooks were falling apart – every other day I would tape them back up with packing tape and send them on their merry little way…until the day they came home in 3 pieces…

Damn now I am going to have to go buy new binders…

Not that I hadn’t been looking but I swear the week after school starts you go from having your choice of 1000 different binders for $1.50 each to your choice of 2 for $5+ each…hence why I totally tried to ER the binders with packing tape…

So Tuesday the day was at hand we HAD to go buy new binders…hate the place as I might I said “we are going to Wal-mart” cause surely the binders will be cheaper there…

Well we all as a family walk into Wal-mart via the far end “seasonal” area and are instantly reminded of why we don’t like our Wal-mart…

Girl : Ummm don’t walk that way {pointing towards the cash registers}
Me: Why did something spill?
Girl: No there is a big-ass fight

Sure enough we look up and all we can see is a massive throng of people and a lots and lots of shouting…

Look at TC and say – well lets head back towards the craft section first – if we hear shots we can duck out by the automotive department…

Hear lots of intercom messages for all available employees to head to the front of the store…while we are walking to the back of the store the place was deserted…no one in the isles…nothing like a good fight to make people scurry to watch…

After about 5 minutes the shouting stopped (the police must of brought in the dogs because we could clearly hear dogs barking) and we gathered the rest of the items we needed to buy – including 2 new binders – where even at Wal-mart they cost over $3…

So what happens on Wednesday…we pull out TW binder to find that half of the bottom ring had somehow broken off…well crap…I am NOT going back to Walmart…and it really can’t be used…all the while TW is crying “I love my binder…Miss A. thinks it is pretty….I can’t get rid of it”

Umm yes we are – I don’t need you snagging you hand on the mangled edge of half a ring…

So before TW’s therapy session (yes therapy…I am starting her young…) I said we will go to Target and get a binder…much to my chagrin I have been doing my best to stay away from the $40 store…(you know you go in for one little thing and next thing you know you are leaving carrying $40 of crap…)…so we go in to Target…

Our choices – plain, pink or a colorful striped and polka dot one…I try my best to get her to go for the pink one or the colorful one…I even offer to buy her the matching folder so she could have a new homework folder…umm no dice…not cute…not flowery…not pretty…Oh CRIST ON A CRUTCH

So I say - Ok we will go to OfficeMax…where momma might have to take out a loan to buy a friggen binder…Now there are a few more choice at OfficeMax…but then we get to “I like the outside of this one…but I like the inside of this one…do you think they have pink?” NO NO NO this is what they have for the love of all that is good and mighty just friggin pick one…

Ok I’ll take the pink one from Target..

WHAT – seriously (now do you sort of understand why therapy)

So we go to her therapy session where the therapist takes one look at me and says “You don’t look so good” – really now…do you want to hear about the curse of the Mother F’ binder?

My dirty little secret...

I have a dirty little secret…

Yes it is true I am harboring a dirty little secret…

See I am doing something that I am not proud of…that no one really knows about…not my family…not my friends.

I was introduced to it by accident…at first I thought I was too old for it…after all I have lived my life…been stuck to frat house floors…been a champion jello sucker – you know all of that…

But the lure of it…I thought well I’ll just try it once….

JUST ONCE…(I told myself)

But it gave me such a high…a goddamn high I tell you…I felt alive and invincible….

It wasn’t long before I was going back again and again…

The other night TC took the girls to their religious Ed class and for a whole hour I indulged in my dirty little secret…

And yes…I am ready to admit my dirty little secret, my new addiction…

Webkinz

Damn little horse and unicorn…I have been secretly logging in under the girls screen names so I can play the arcade games

Wonder Wheel
Cash Cow 1 AND 2
Triple Strike Solitare
Wacky Zingoz
Stackem Solitare
Polar Plunge
Wishing Well

I love them all….

But surely I can’t be alone….other mommies are harboring the same dirty little secret..

right?

Luckly, the girls aren't really aware yet that every time they log in they seem to have a lot more money than the last time they played…all they care about is if they have enough money to buy a TV or a bathtub or a fancy couch…

Yes…thanks to mommy’s little addiction you can buy that big screen TV for your virtual Unicorn webkinz…

I have bought them each a new Webkinz for Valentines day…but the question I have to really ask myself…is it for them for really for ME….

So I am a little psychic...

Last night I crossed another thing off my “Bucket List”…

I went rock climbing…well not true rocking climbing…just up some rock walls…

I went as part of a MOM’s Night Out for my Multiples Group…

Being that I am well as Cartman would say “pleasantly plump” I was a little worried…

You see three members went to class to learn to Belay…that is be your anchor when your ass is up on a wall…one of the women, K is like half my size and I very seriously asked her “Is it going to work because I just envision my fat ass making you fly across the room”

I was told – it will work – everything will be fine…

So I get to the place – where I go to put the harness they gave me on and realize I can’t get it past my “womanly” hips…so I have to slink back to the counter and ask the very nice woman “Excuse me, do you have a WIDE LOAD size harness” – and gee lucky me they did…

So my first time up I go up about ¾ up the wall and then I look back and down.

BIG FREAKIN MISTAKE…

Have a mini panic attack (umm did I mention I am scared of heights…oh and bridges…and spiders…) and tell them I am coming down…and magically I make it down and think about kissing the floor…

After awhile decide ok I’ll give it another try – get half way up before I decide to give up…

Third time…it’s always a charm right…

Well K tells me – I’ll Belay you (other members did it the previous times)…I look at her – taking in all her skinniness and say “are you sure”….once again she says “it will be fine”

So I get all hooked up and climb up the wall…made it almost to the top and decide to come back down…so I yell down…get the thumbs up ok for me to come on down…

So I start coming down and notice K is giving me a little more slack…so I lean back a little more to come down a little faster…when out of the corner of my eye I see….

K FLYING….

And then I drop about 3 feet and bang against the wall and the harness goes up my crotchatal area...as I hear one of the instructors running over while yelling “grab the wall”…hey man I am trying, I am trying….At this point I am thinking I am really, really glad I had a C-section or else I probably would have peed myself…

So there I am clinging to the wall with a crotch wedgie…K is standing there with the look of terror in her eyes, holding her right hand away from the belay and the instructor is grabbing the rope…

I am gently lowered back down to the earth.

I am trembling – K is trembling and her hand looks a bit swollen…and she keeps apologizing to me…

What happened?…turns out K had a little slack in her anchor rope…which allowed her to be flung forward when she had my full cow-riffic weight on the rope…she grabbed the belay which in turn pulled her hand up into it and pinched it but good…

So my prediction came true …sort of…

Would I do it again…I don’t know…but if I did…I would totally let K belay me again…I trust her :)

But for now...I can say I have rock climbed...with an added bonus...with TC being laid up for awhile because of shoulder surgey...that's the most action my crotch has gotten in weeks...

Explain to me why....

Little girls underwear come in even sizes...

2...4...6...8...10

Considering by the time my girls shucked thier diapers their butts were to big for size 2 -so we went straight for size 4...at some point we segwayed into Size 6...

Now I am finding some of thier size 6 underwear is getting to be too small...well at least for one of them who screams "It is going up my butt" at least 3 x's per week...thank goodness 90% of those times are when we are safe within our own home...the other 10%...let's just say we have given some shoppers a giggle or two...

Anyhoo...before X-mas my MIl called to ask what size underwear they were wearing...thinking ahead I told her 8...

So for the one who is screaming "It is going up my butt" I gave her a pair of 8's to put on...

and they pretty much fell right off...and when she pulled them up the wasitband was just slightly south of her non-exsistant Ta-tas

So either my kids are going to be walking around with a perpetual wedge or they are going to start wearing granny panties at a pretty young age...

Ten to many?

And so I begin to slowly remember weekend mornings from my college days…

This past weekend I spent the night at a friends house, M…a friend who will soon be celebrating her 1 year dump-a-versary and impending divorce…

So how exactly do you celebrate something like that

YOU DRINK…

Apparently a lot of tequila and vanilla rum…

At one point Saturday night I had a really nice buzz going on…I was mellow and I could still speak in coherent sentences…

THEN…

A spider – a HUGE spider with 8 legs crossed in front of me while I was walking back from the kitchen…

GUESS WHAT I FEAR MOST IN THIS WORLD….

Do you know Adrenaline (you know from being scared shitless by a spider) totally kills an alcohol buzz?

TOTALLY! KILLS! IT!

So I had to start all over from square one….good thing I had a full bottle of rum to begin with.

Later on I started F’in up my speech…the sign I had gone over the edge…at this point M and I decided maybe it would be cool to drunk dial people, like she had done to me on New Year Eve…but considering it was about 2am we forwent that idea and decided just to drunk e-mail people…and do a little drunk internet purchases as well.

Sunday I woke up feeling like I needed to shave my tongue and my head was throbbing and my first line of sight was a dogs ass…but unlike my college days I wasn’t stuck to a Fraternity House floor…so +++’s all around for that.

Now to se what might show up on my doorstep in a few days…

I'm Fat and I Need to go on a Diet

“I’m fat and I need to go on a diet” – you would think these words were uttered from my mouth…

Well you would be wrong…

That sentence was uttered by my 6.5 year old darling little 52 lb. stringbean of a girl.

Yesterday I went and picked her up from afterschool and before we left she wanted to go see her little friend – which I will refer to as BI (Bad Influence)

So she goes over to her little friend and next thing I know they are running a lap around the cafagymanasium and get around to me. BI asks if they can run around 2 more times – I gently say NO…to which out of PWG mouth came that fateful sentence

“I’m Fat and I Need to go on a Diet”

To which BI nodded her head and told me they were trying to loose weight so they can be skinny – when I told them they were both perfect just as they were – BI said “Oh we could be skinnier”

WHAT. THE. *&%$!!!!!!

I figured at some point in my daughter’s life I was going to have to deal with body issues…after all they are girls and let’s just say there are some genetic wildcards in our family…

But I figured I had at least 6-8 years before I had to deal with this – NOT at age 6.5

Is it wrong to blame BI for putting thoughts into her head, because right now she is the only “source” I can think of that is putting “ideas” in my daughters head?

I mean while we do have Barbies in our house – Bratz are banned. I watch all the kiddie type shows with them and I have yet to see one where they talk about fat/thin issues…We watch the Cheetah girls – which IMO show REAL teenage bodies…you go Raven Symone

I did tell PWG that she doesn’t need to loose weight and she was thin enough and could actually put some more meat on her bones…

Quick does anyone know where I can get a Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini poster?

One Good Birthday a Decade?

So I am now 34 – I am officially in my Mid-30’s…how the heck did that happen…

My birthday was Dec 31st…and I threw myself a party…

You see I hate when my birthday falls (Bitter – party of one) – I guess it could be worse my due date was Dec 24th but because I was stubborn and probably comfortable I overstayed my welcome by about 7 days…

My birth announcement – a copy of my parents tax form with the number 2 X’d out for # of dependants and 3 written in…I. Do. Not. Joke.

When I was a kid my birthday always got lumped in with X-mas..my presents were wrapped in holiday paper and better yet I always seemed to get the shaft from aunts and uncles…”oh here is $5 Merry X-mas and Happy Birthday” – whereas my brother and sister got the same $5…but when their birthdays rolled around they got a card WITH another $5…(Bitter – party of one)

Even better because my mother was so exhausted by the time X-mas was over my birthday was given a haphazard glance…I have had birthday cards SIGNED IN FRONT OF ME and then handed to me…I have had someone else’s leftover cake….my parents ALWAYS went out on my birthday (Moms reasoning – I wasn’t home when you were born…) and best yet when I was 17 I woke up and not one person mentioned my birthday ALL DAY…that year I just so happened to have my mothers Nordstroms card and went and bought myself a little present…(Bitter – party of one)

Now let me say I had a great childhood…other then the whole birthday thing I wouldn’t change hardly anything…

But I have resigned myself to the fact that I am only getting one good birthday party a decade…

0-10 – I am sure I had a decent party somewhere in there – my mother does have pictures of me blowing out a cake and various children in party hats surrounding me…so I would assume I had at least one decent party…the only thing I really remember is playing that stupid clothespin game – you know the one where you try to drop a clothespin into a jar while standing on a chair…OH…is that not a real game…?

11-20 – Now I will say I did get to have a 16th birthday…not on my actual birthday of course (cause remember my parents go out every New Years Eve)…and I had a ton of friends come over…the best gift – a 6 ft tall blow up Godzilla…yep that’s right…jealous much…the best part of that gift is the story that comes with it…see my friend Christy bought it for me and she thought it would be a good idea to blow it up before giving it to me…one small problem…it was a 6ft Godzilla and she had a vintage VW convertible beetle…Godzilla no fit…at least not with the top up…SO in the middle of January in cold Virginia she drops her top – straps in the blown up Godzilla and drives through town to my house…oh the site of a chick driving through town with a 6ft Godzilla as her passenger…

21-30 – ok I will admit turning 21 ON New Years Eve is pretty cool…Some friends and DH (then just a SO) went to a little bar in Northern Virginia to celebrate…because it was birthday they gave us the best booth in the joint…and well since it was my birthday I didn’t have to buy a single drink of my own…we managed to attract a lot of people to our booth – one of which was a very nice man who looked just like James Brown…looking back at the pictures that night I do believe he was in every single picture…a bunch of white chicks and James Browns’ doppelganger – complete with shiny party hat and fringed horn.

When I got back to college after Winter Break I was afforded another party thanks to my college friends…although that party ended with me passed out on DH’s fraternity house floor and realizing a few hours later I was STUCK to his floor…seriously…stuck. to. his. floor. I don’t remember much of that night other than sticking to the floor (because seriously who the hell wouldn’t remember that) as all the 3 Mile Islands I drank pretty much blotted out any shreds of memory I might have tried to retain

DH and I did attend a pretty cool party on New Years Eve 1999…a wedding of one of his Frat brothers…and yes we did party like it was 1999…only problem was we had just bought our house and money was pretty tight so we had to spend the night at my parents instead of getting a hotel room – that meant we had to drive – hence one of us (ME) had to remain sober…

31 – Present – so far this years party has been the best of this decade. We decided to have a Kid Friendly New Years Eve bash…so we told people to come over anytime after 4 – pizza would be at 6 followed by cake and a countdown at 7pm for all the kiddies…At the height of the celebration we had at least 20 kids under the age of 10 running through our house and just as many adults… yeah my house isn’t that big but we all managed to fit…Everyone had a great time and conversation flowed…I even got a few gifts – Yeah me…

Best yet – everyone had cleared out at about 8pm, DH and I cleaned up what little mess remained and were in bed by about 10pm…(I AM in my mid-30’s…isn’t that what old people are suppose to do – get to bed at a decent hour)…I will say the highlight of my night was a phone call I received at about 10:15 from a good friend of mine…she drunk dialed me on my birthday J … I can’t remember much of what she said other than to not have a hangover you have to drink lots of water to flush your system and then eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to absorb whatever alcohol is left…good to know I’ll have to try and remember that.

it is 11:56pm on Christmas Eve

the presents are out...

Santa has been here and eaten his cookies...

and I can't get my mom off our brand new Wii...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

So we Fought....over Ground Turkey

So we fought …over ground turkey

I freely admit I am a control freak – I like doing things my way…and since I like having them done my way I usually just go ahead and do them so I know that it will get done and well get done the way I like.

I had an event to attend yesterday, which would not leave me time to do my usual Sunday morning foray to the grocery store…TC told me he would be more than happy to go to the store for me..

Uhhh OK…

So I wrote out a list and then I re-wrote in order of the store working from right to left…and then we had a discussion about said list…

While going over the list I had Ground Turkey on the list for chili…

We proceeded to have a conversation that went something like this

ME: I want ground turkey for Chili so make sure you get the plain ground for the Chili and NOT the Italian style ground turkey

TC: Ok

ME: Also get an eggplant too IF they look good – oh hold a second to make eggplant takes a bit of time…I know why don’t we have Turkey Loaf this week

TC: Ok

ME: So go ahead and get a pack of Ground Italian style turkey too {add Ground Italian next to plain ground turkey on list} – so get a pack of both…if they don’t have the Italian style just get two things of plain – but try and see if they have the Italian

TC: OK

I am pretty sure this is the conversation that took place in TC's head

ME: maa maa maa maa Plain Ground Turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maa maa Italian style turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maaa Ground Italian style maa maaa maa Italian (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

So I go to my event and come home…I go to get the ground turkey out so I can start to make the chili…

Open the fridge

1 pack of Italian style ground turkey – hummmm

So I go and ask TC “Where is the plain turkey”

TC response was “You didn’t ask for Plain turkey”

Ummmm WTF….really….

So I got angry…and was a bit yelly over ground turkey….he proceeded to tell me I had only asked for Italian turkey and he went by the list – which he proceeded to get out of his jacket pocket and show me…

the list

where it was written

Plain ground turkey (not Italian – 4 chili) & Italian turkey

Then he started ranting about how I was a control freak and he made a mistake and simply forgot…

I ended up leaving the house because I was pissed off…

See this is where men and women differ – he thought I was upset that he simply “forgot” the stupid turkey…I could have cared less if he in fact truly “just forgot”

I was upset because he didn’t listen…I mean we had a whole freakin conversation about the stupid turkey…about what we were using it for and what we had planned for the week…and yet…

After 10 years of marriage I should be used to it…but I guess that is what marriage is…sometimes there are yelly parts…over ground turkey….

Bad X-mas?!?

So LOTTA had a contest the other week asking about what the worst X-mas you ever had was...

I do have to say I haven't really had a BAD christmas -

I mean I have had some sad christmas's - like 2 years ago when my brother was killed in a car accident a week before the holidays...we managed to muddle through like my family usually does - since my brother was cremated my parents brought him along for Christmas Day...we put his favorite Day-Glo orange "Git'r Done" hat on his urn and put him up on the shelf by the tree...

To other families this might seem weird or crazy...this was my families way of coping...I know it explains a lot about me...

The year before that my sisters dog escaped from my parents house and was struck and killed by a caron Christmas Eve...that was a pretty sad Christmas too...

But the Worst one I have to say was the year when I was about 10 years old and I received a Dickie...

a white cotton turtleneck Dickie...don't be jealous ya'll

It was given to me by my grandmother and I still remember the tag

"HO HO HO - here's a dickie just for you..."

Seriously - what the hell did I do wrong that year...I thought I was a pretty good kid...but a Dickie that is worse than an orange and a bag of gold coins...hell I would have taken the Lifesaver Holiday storybook over a dickie...

Of course I am older now...and have moved on...

YEAH RIGHT...a freakin dickie

Postman - you are going to make me go postal...

So I have been waiting for a CD of pictures that my sister sent me... see it is part of another gift that i need to complete and mail out to the recipient so I need that CD...like 6 days ago

She mailed it last week and assured me that I should have it by Friday - Saturday at the latest...Friday came and went...I was out all day Saturday and arrived home to find a Ransom note in my mailbox

The CD is being held hostage by the US Postal Service...in order to Free the CD I have to pay .16 cents...

YES - they are holding my CD hostage for 16 lousy cents...

This is the first time they have actually held something for thier postal Ransom...in the past when I have had items arrive with postage due they simple put an envelope in my mailbox with the amount due...I put the money in the envelope and stick it back into my mailbox and everyone is happy.

NOW - momma ain't happy...

What happened?

I thought we had a beautiful relationship - one even bumped up a notch when we created a whole new paved driveway - far wider than our old one, smoothly paved with a parking pad...I know you use my driveway to turn your little mail trucks around and go back down the street...I have even seen you use my driveway as a "pow-wow" spot since you can fit 2 trucks across with room to spare...

And come on - you know I am good for the money...don't you see all the magazines and catalogs I receive in the mail... and you know the Santa and reindeer Poker playing inflatable just screams high class...

So today I have to trudge to the post office, pay my ransom to get my CD...then trudge back AGAIN later this week to mail the present that I needed the CD for...

BAAAAA HUMBUG....

ON A LIGHTER NOTE...

About 2 weeks ago I got my hair cut - being that i trust my hairdresser I told her - I want something fun and funky and easy to maintain - so she got out her scissors and a razor and went to town...and I liked the look...

when I actually have time to do it up right it sort of looks like Lisa Rinna's...of course to really look like hers I need the awesome Jonathan DIRT...but at $23 for a small bottle...well...

The other day I was rushing around and trying to get out the door with the wee ones when TW looked and me and exclaimed

"MOMMY - you look just like Troy"

Yes because I was so going for the Zac Efron look...well at least he is pretty - does that make me pretty...

Now if you put Zac's hair on Nikki Blonsky there to the left of him - then you would have a more accurate reflection of myself...only my boobs aren't as big...

All I DON'T want for Christmas

a Va-Jay-Jay pillow

Hummm I'll have to ask TC if I have roses "down there"

Enough said...

All I want for Christmas is...

well judging by my SPAM folder it must be a Penis Enlargement...

Yep - every day for the past week I have been recieving offers like this


Dr. Janna Blackman - ‎Christmas discount on penis enlargement.


Dr. Gina Hinkle - ‎Penis enlargement Christmas offer

I don't know about you...but I seem to be pretty happy with MY own personal penis size...

Maybe they have gift certificates...you know wouldn't that be a boost to your significant others self esteem...a gift certificate for a penis enlargement...

"But honey....it was on sale and I had a coupon"

More Elfin' going on

Your Elf Name Is...

Giggles Slave O' Santa

What's" Your Elf Name?

I am betting at this time - TC is seriously contemplating about legally changing his name to Santa

Seven Random things for a Boring Friday...

Hummmm thanks G-Man for making me think today…

• I have gnome addiction…there I said it – Garden gnomes rock my world…I have over a dozen of them in my garden…not to mention a few more small gnomes in my house…a Talking gnome, a Grow –a-Gnome and a Desktop gnome at work. I also own a Gnome shirt and Gnomey PJ’s

• Twins run in my family – when TC and I were discussing how many kids we wanted the chance of twins ruled our conversation…and lookey what we have…TWINS

• My college sorority nickname is “Spooge” – it really has nothing to do with spunk – well not really true…one of my pledge sisters mispronounced my last name as Semenguard…close but no cigar…and well the moniker was bestowed upon me by my “big” sister and really, really stuck…there were a vast number of people that didn’t know my real name…only knew me by Spooge

• I won a jello sucking contest in college…to this day there has not been another one – does that still make me the REIGNING champ?

• I have an addiction to Papercrafting…stamping, scrapbooking, decorative items…you name it…I love it

• The first boy I ever slept with the 1st night I met him is now my husband. (does that make me slightly less ho-ish that I did that since we did eventually got married?)

• I have a very dry and somewhat perverted sense of humor…most people either love me or hate me…much like Lady Sovereign (bonus points for those who know what the hell I am talking about...)

And as for Tagging people - I think a majority of people are blogged out cause of NABloMoBLOP…(see I am so tired I can’t even spell…)

So I give to you the MASSES (ha ha ha I crack myself up)…if you would like to play along – please go right ahead and drop me a line so I can link to your seven random items :)

This is why I try and hide the pens,,,,

So my In-laws came to visit last weekend before Thanksgiving...

My FIL is an "interesting" fellow...

One of his many, many, many, many - did I say many yet? "quirks" is underlining and circling random things in things he reads...

Before he arrived I put "my precious" (AKA People magazine) out of harms way...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for my newspaper

Is Christmas over yet?

So this morning TW crawled into bed with me and was talking all about how excited that she is for Christmas to come...

She was babbling on and I wasn't really paying attention until she got to the Guitar part...

See - she has been asking for a Guitar and being the nice mommy I am I bought her one...

Seeing that she is 6.5 I figured she was talking about a "REAL" Guitar and I bought her a brown kid sized one...

this morning she was talking all about how she can't wait to get her pink pretend guitar

Say What Willis?

Pink...Pretend...Guitar

so I asked her what would happen if Santa brought her a brown Guitar...

in no uncertain terms she told me that she would be sad because she wants a pink pretend guitar like Miranda...

Who the hell is Miranda...

come to learn it is some little girl that was in her Kindergarten class...

I told her how will Santa know you want a PINK one since all you have been asking for is a Guitar

"Oh he will know Mommy - he knows everything - just like God"

{banging my head....banging my head}

so what does a good mommy do- hop on E-bay and track down Pink Guitars and make TW SHOW "Santa" what she wants...

and what does she want - a Pink Princess Guitar...

THANK the lord that I saw one at Tuesday Morning on Black Friday with my mom...one call to my "Santa" and she put her shoes on and went out the door to see if there were any left...

and I am awaiting the call that will hopefully bring joy to my little girl in 30 days...

and I'm spent....

Finally back from the 'rents....

and realized I did actually blog while drunk - I re-read what I wrote and I think I did a damn fine job for not remembering that I actually blogged until I checked my e-mail this morning and saw a few of ya'll commented on it...

Had a great time - got some holiday shopping done...still looking for a few things - WHY WHY WHY in the world does PWG want a Jasmine costume for X-mas...riddle me this batman...

Oh well thank god for E-Bay

Happy Gobble Gobble - I'm drunk

I hope everyone had a great Gobble Gobble day - I will say right now that if words don't seem right I blame it all on the Thirsty Lizard brand of wine I have been imbibing...very good wine...considering my dad paid $2.79 for it...

Anyway I hope all had a great Turkey day...Personally I love Thanksgiving because it revolves around being with my family...annoying the crap out of each other and playing various games...

This year the game du jour is Catch Phase...cause where else can I see my mother making licking faces when she is trying to get people to guess "whiska lickens", my father sing Goodship Lollypop, and for me my proudest moment was saying "General - It's In My Butt" for Colin Powell.

fun times...fun times

This morning my mom, sis and I went to some various places for Black Friday...my mother ran away from my Sis and I at Target at one point - you know if they put a whole endcap full of dancing holiday figures with buttons that say "Push Me" - welllllll we're going to push them...ALL OF THEM...

So to you and yours...have a happy happy happy weekend...

what, what I'm coming....

{the pumpkin pie is whispering ...."Cover me with whipped cream and eat me".....}

Gotta go....

Let's get our ELF on....

Ok so this is how it is going to work....a special thanks to Leona over at a great Forum board I am on for inspiring me to spread ELFIN' Cheer to all

I have been in contact with a few people...they will be getting a goodie in the mail from me...in exchange they have agreed to ELF someone else...

See where I am going with this...

SO - it is up to you my blog friends to spread the Elfin' Cheer

WHAT TO DO....

• Pick 2-3 or more people to ELF. Simple as that - you can choose people at random or hold a contest on your blog to see who gets to be ELFED. You will need to contact them for thier address if you don't have it.
  

• Send your ELF BUDDIES a small gift - it doesn't have to be much...a small gift card, a cute handmade item, a small bag of Holiday cookies - just about anything goes - remember tis the season to GIVE...

• Ask them to Elf it Forward
  

IF YOU BEEN ELFED

Copy and paste this little elf onto your blog so people can see that you have been ELFED

IF YOU ARE AN ELFER

Copy and past this little guy in your blog so everyone can see what a Great ELF you have been

Feel free to link back to this post when you spread your ELF Cheer around so they can be sure to get the Elf photos. Also let me know when you have posted either image on your blog - e-mail me at elffest2007@gmail.com (and no I don't need any Viagra and I am very satisfied with my Penis Size)

So let's go people....GET YOUR ELF ON!!!!

I'm going to be doing some ELFING....

That is sooooo right....

I am going to be doing some Elfing....and hopefully some of you will help me get the ball rolling...

Check back for more information in a bit...

In the meantime...Enjoy this little Elf dance I have for you...

CLICK ME

Just Another Manic Monday

A timeline of events so far

Greeted by my children at 6:25 this morning…hold a freakin sec…6:25 – WTF – why didn’t our alarms go off…we have three alarms set – Mine, TC and the girls…NONE of which went off – so crap on a stick we are late…

Send TC to the shower first since we are actually driving separately today (usually commute together)…while he is in the shower I head to the toilet well to you know…

Realize that a “friend” has come to visit two days early – commence cussing…

Still cussing when TC gets out of the shower – I go to grab a WaHoo plug only to find out the only ones I have left are “lite days” (God damn Tampax Variety Pack – more Supers less Lites) – while holding two I realize – hey two are about the size of 1 Super…then I have that ‘thought’…

You know the thought of “how would I explain myself if I wind up naked on an ER table” and decide 1 is enough…besides I have about 6 of them – that should last me oh about 2 hours…I am lamenting on the fact that all I have are “lite” ones when TC asks “Well won’t they work”

Umm yeah about as well as an umbrella hat in a hurricane

So I hurry and get in the shower and – oh I guess I should also tell you my in-laws who were suppose to head home Sunday afternoon are still at my house… - which makes everything just a bit more sweeter…

Get out of the shower and find that it is almost time to leave….that is if we hadn’t been awoken 25 minutes behind schedule…luckily TC was ready to go and took the girls with him…I didn’t even care that TW was totally mismatched and PWG was wearing her shitkickers with her dress…

So now it is me naked in a house alone with my In-laws…so not a good Monday morning…figure if I hurry and get dressed I can get out before they arise from their slumber…

Then I realize – AWWWW SHIT – I need dessert for TW Thanksgiving Feast…OK – so the grocery store is open…and I am going to be out of those ‘Lite” Wahoo plugs soon…

So I get dressed, run down the stairs and out the door…

Whew…no in-law sightings

Head to the grocery store where I pick up 2 boxes of brownie bites, 2 dozen mini cupcakes and a box of Tampax Supers…needless to say the checkout boy just took a look at what I was purchasing and was very nice to me…

Get in the car and realize – CRAP ON A FREAKIN STICK – the birthday card for a co-worker is sitting on my kitchen counter – in my haste to leave my house this morning I forgot it and since all my other co-workers needed to sign it back home I went….

Get back home and manage to run in quickly and grab the card – I heard stirring upstairs but I just ran as fast as my little pumped heeled feet would go…

Jump back in the car and head off to work – only to get stuck in traffic – main way into work is blocked by a big accident…so I have to go the long way around through the Ghetto…lock my doors and cross my fingers that all the drug dealers are asleep after a heavy night of dealing…

Finally get to work – only to realize that today is Flu Shot day and my appointment is NOW…so I rush upstairs to fill out the paperwork – what they want my employee number – I don’t know…so finally find it out when another co-worker tells me I need my insurance card…look and look through my purse – can’t find the freakin thing – call TC and tell him he needs to FAX me the card NOW….so I give one more look through and guess what I find…yep the damn card…

Run down and get my flu shot…

Then calm for a little while…then off to PWG Thanksgiving Feast…

Get out to my car and start heading toward the school – only to find my main way blocked by a cop car – WTF…ok maybe an accident – so I have to go the long way around to get on the interstate…so I am putzing along wondering “Humm why are there no cars coming from the other direction” – then BAM – lights and sirens everywhere…do you want to know who F’ed up my way – the President of the United States…damn that man…apparently he is in town for something or other – I don’t care - he added 5 minutes on to my travel time – hella pissed.

Finally get to the school and sign in and make my way to the class room…where I learned that while PWG did inherit my creativity…she also inherited my gracefulness and managed to trip and send her plate flying everywhere…luckily most everything but the mashed potatoes were solid and stayed in thier lump like forms. After lunch I asked the room mother if there was anything I could help with…

SO SO SO should not of said anything…cause I then spent the next 10 minutes gluing Walnuts on potatoes…

Let me say this again…gluing walnuts on potatoes…

All this by 12:30…

Wonder what the rest of the afternoon will bring…

All I know is when I get home my In-laws better be gone or I am camping at the local Red Roof Inn tonight…

how sad

this is my 150th post....

but I don't have time to do it justice...

really need to hit the sheets been a long day....

Totally useless fact for today : Groundhogs can whistle.

so tired...

spent all day at a craft fair peddling my wares....

made enough to cover TC's X-mas present...

going to bed now...

So how do you explain....

Yesterday TC and I were watching the local news during dinner, before a commercial break they gave a snippit of what was to come...

a story about a Transgender individual who is complaining that the prison isn't giving him the "protection" he needs. {Personally if he didn't break the law he wouldn't be in jail...now would he}
so they showed a few pictures and then we got the question

"Is that a boy or a girl?"

TC looked at me and said "This is all you."

I just looked down and concentrated very hard on eating my fish and veggies hoping it would go away...

TC was looking around - I thought he was looking for the remote so he could change the channel

No such luck

The news came back on and went right to the story...the girls ran up and kept looking at the pictures and debating with each other if it was a boy or a girl...

TC kept looking at me...

I took the wuss way out and asked if anyone wanted a cookie...

Cause the lure of a cookie takes all the attention away from the she-male on TV...

ummm - OK

So I just went to go pick my daughters up from afterschool care...an hour early...

I came home without them.

They didn't want to leave - they were having to much fun.

Good thing the place is only a minute from my house...

Now on to vacuum in preparation for in the in-laws {cue scary Halloween type scream}

Maybe they will be ready to leave in another 40 minutes?

THURSDAY SHOUT-OUT - go and check out G-man's blog - not only is he a fine PIM husband...but he actually comments on my blog - which shows at least one person reads it :)

I feel so dirty....

So last night I went to a bra fitting event at our local Nordstroms with a group I belong to.

It was well ummm an interesting experience…

First they had one of their stylists come and tell our group of about 15 women (all of whom have either twins or triplets) about this season latest fashion “trends”…

I am so hoping these particular trends don’t stay around long because they are scary…

Let me highlight a few

Patent Leather…yes patent leather shoes in a myrid of colors….great if you are in the 8-12 year old set but considering I am considerably older not really my cup of tea.

Puffed sleeves…ACK…throw in some plaid and you will have all the shirts I wore in the 2nd grade…bonus points for adding in a lace collar

Clutches – I did ask how as mothers we would hold the clutches and our 2+ children and I lamented on the fact that they didn’t seem to have any pockets to hold a sippy cup nor a bag of goldfish crackers…the stylist informed us that clutches were great for when we went out for dinner…that got a big chuckle…somehow I think if I walked into Red Robin with a beaded clutch that would be a little overkill

Jackets with ¾ sleeves – now don’t get me wrong being as I have the arms of a T-rex I enjoy the ¾ sleeves style on shirts…but jackets…really you are giving me less fabric and charging me more money?

Peep-toe shoes – WITH hose…ummm I am not a toe lover…and I really don’t want to look down and see someone with peep-toe shoes with their toes stuck in a lycra prison all mashed together…and you know someone is going to take it a step further and wear some sort of reinforced granny stocking with their peep-toes and then play it off by saying “it’s the TREND”

Knits…knits and more freakin’ knits…my ass looks like two ripe cantaloupes…knits are NOT my friend people…

I did like the fact that the “in colors’ are Gray and Raspberry/Cranberry as I personally love Gray…now that is the one “trend” that can stick around

And on to the bra fitting…since there were about 15 of us and only about 4 “fitters” I had to wait my turn so a friend and I scouted out what Nordstrom’s had to offer…

We came across these…which will now be forever known in my mind as either the “Pica-cu Peek-a-boos” or the “Va-jay-jay Voyeurs” – I haven't decided which name I like better. Obviously with all those ruffles they are meant for one thing only – to proudly envelope and display your muff in a see through mesh served with a garnish of ruffles.

I did enjoy these panties from Juicy Couture… the problem I have with them is the writing is on the back - I don’t know about you – but if I am going to cover some part of my body with the words “Eat Candy” my ass would not be the first place I choose to put it…now Juicy slap that saying on the front and I would buy them – just for the shear laughs it would get in the bedroom…

Then it was time for my bra fitting…went back with a very nice gal…got naked from the waist up…she looked and measured and then told me my size…which was the same size I have been wearing all along…I felt so dirty…I gave this other woman a glimpse of the girls for basically nothing… When I told TC this his only response was “Was she hot?” - Typical

And since I was there I felt I HAD to buy something…you know like when you are invited to a home party and the hostess says “Oh just come and hang out you don’t have to buy anything” – yeah right…if you go you are buying something…

So I scouted about…skirting past the $110 bras…and found the I-Bra …so $53 later my evening was complete…

Yes $53 for a bra…that is the MOST I have ever spent on any sort of undergarment that only myself, my husband and MAYBE Emergency Medical Personnel might see – but I have to say…it is damned comfortable and the girls are snuggled up like two newborn puppies....

so slacky

yes I know I am sooooo slacky - I didn't write all weekend...

oh well - I did promise to TRY to do my best...

but because of my laziness someone is going to win...

so stay tuned to this blog to see what I have up my sleeve

Truely. Seriously. Disgusting

So I was looking around the web for a hunting gag gift for my hubby...and came across this little gem -Liquid Ass

Even better you get your choice of nozzles - a streaming tip or a mister top.


According to the website:


Liquid ASS is a highly–concentrated, butt–crack smell with hints of green poo, fart, and dead animal.

it goes on to say

Lighten up any birthday, Christmas, or retirement party with the gift of ASS.

Somehow I don't think any party I attend will be lightened up by something that smells like my grandpa after a visit to Bob's House O' Beans...

Thursday Shout-out

I don't have much time today....

so I am going to give a Shout-out to my dear friend Gretchen over at Banana & Toddlers ...because she truely understands and assists me with my love of all things gnomey

Looking for a unique and handmade gift for a loved one this holiday season - look no further then her wonderful Etsy shop - Gretchen Crafts

and while you are over at Etsy check out Aimee's wonderful photographs at Greeblemonkey

The Insanity never ends

Ummm ok – my kids are going to make me go insane…I AM going to wind up like my mother and my grandmother …

So this morning TW hops out of bed and gets dressed…I tell her “Go down and give Murphy (the dog) some food”…so away she goes…

Meanwhile PWG is sitting on the toilet…trying to decide between 2 pairs of underwear.

Have I mentioned at this point we are 10 minutes behind our usual morning scheduale.

So I have to say “please PWG – just pick a pair of underwear” to which I am told “It’s a delicate decision” – really a delicate decision? And what 6 year old talks like that…”delicate decision”

From downstairs I hear and anguished cry….so I fly down the stairs to see TW with tears rolling down her face…whatever could be the matter….through her tears I get this

TW: Murphy already has food.
ME: Well just give her some more
TW: NOOOOOOOOO then she will have too much
ME: Fine than don’t feed her
TW: But I WANT to feed her
ME: Do you want me to dump all the food in the bag? Hold On “PWG – please stop dancing around in your underwear with the cat and get dressed”
TW: NOOOOOOO

Ok – then there was a whole meltdown conversation about what color socks TW should wear this morning…

We are now 15 minutes behind schedule…

PWG comes down dressed and goes out to the garage…meanwhile TW is having another meltdown because I am not helping her get her socks and shoes on…never mind had I OFFERED to help her I would have been on the receiving end of a “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” melt down…you know damned if you do damned if you don’t…

So I helping TW get her socks and shoes on when I hear banging…PWG had managed to lock herself out of the house in the garage…

ME: Hold on PWG
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: I SAID Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: For the love of all that is good and holy…{mutter some choice words under my breath}

At this point PWG gave up and crawled through the doggy door…

And then….this occurred

PWG: Murphy doesn’t have any food.
TW: Yes she does.
PWG: No she doesn’t.
TW: PWG did you put Murphy’s food back in the bag?
PWG: Yes so you could feed Murphy this morning like you wanted to. {bless her little heart}
TW: {cue tears} But I was getting used to the idea that she had food….now I HAVE to feed her.

SERIOUSLY

I. AM. GOING. INSANE.

So 20 minutes late and 3 notches more insane I finally made it out of my house this morning…

What I am thankful for today: I am thankful that PWG shows such love to her sister.

SQUIRTMAN - Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Apparently one good thing about having kids and being forced to watch hands with eyes or a bunch of grown men "wiggling" around is that you miss a whole period of time...

I was looking for something else on Youtube and came across a bunch of videos dubbed "Peanut Butter Jelly"

Apparently it is a song that has a dance to it ala...the electric slide but not so "groupy"

I am glad I "missed the boat"... although it does seem like a lot of people landed squarely on it and recorded it for, well...Posterity? I am a little confused with some of the videos where people are dressed up as bananas while doing the PBJ dance?

But I do have to say watching this particular video makes me realize just how happy I am to be married if this is what is available in the single scene...

Three Little Words

I had to say the three little words every wife hates to utter…but every husband loves to hear….

YOU. WERE. RIGHT.

I think certain men take wonderful glee when their wives admit that they are right…because it happens so infrequently…

Now that is not to say that wives are right all the time…it’s just that most men tread very carefully about whether or not to pursue a “I’m Right” argument…cause they like sex too much…

But every once in a while us women do back down and admit that we are wrong or perhaps…we have come upon one of those 2% of situations where our husbands are actually …well, Right.

How did this come about…well, see I grew up in a “county” type area where there was really no crime. For awhile when I was younger my mother “hid” our spare key on a hook next to the door…let me repeat this – ON A HOOK. NEXT TO THE DOOR. – yes I really don’t understand why you would bother to lock your door, but nonetheless – later on she hid it in one of those “realistic” looking rocks…oh what a beautiful flowerbed with one lonely rock right in the middle…Clever, no…

Anyway TC grew up with everything having to be locked behind him…

So we have this on-going argument because I “forget” to lock the car that resides in the driveway…a quirk of my upbringing. He always gets after me because I fail to lock the door…My response is usually “We live in a nice neighborhood - nobody’s going to break into our car”

WELLLL….on Friday evening we turn on the news – at first I am not paying attention to it until I look up and what do I spy….MY HOUSE….ON TV – WTF – why is my house on TV….so I am straining to hear what the newscaster is saying while PWG and TW are jumping around shouting “our house is on TV…our house is on TV”…turns out there has been a rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood and a few other subdivisions…since we reside on a main intersection with the big neighborhood sign in the corner of our yard they filmed footage of our house to go along with the story…

We later learned from some neighbors that the cars weren’t “broken” into …but rather the cars were left unlocked in the driveways and somebody helped themselves items in the car….so upon learning that I uttered those three little words….

YOU WERE RIGHT

Sunday morning....

man this posting every day is going to be hard...

but let's see thanks to NaBloPoMo I have a topic - THANKFUL

so what am I thankful for...

1 - I am thankful that both TC and I have good stable jobs that allow us not to have to sweat about how we are going to pay our bills and we don't have to decide what is more important - food or electricity...for this we are truely blessed. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for....please make a donation to your local food bank...not just during the holidays...but 6 months from now as well

2 - I am thankful that we were able to have children so easily, when I know others cannot...and I am thankful that even though my daughters were preemies they sailed right through NICU without any major problems and continue to this day to be healthy. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for...think about making a donation to St. Judes or Childrens Miracle Network

3 - I am thankful that I have such great friends...both IRL and my PIMS. Be sure to give your friends a shout-out this week and let them know how much they mean to you

Saturday Morning Quickie

one of my favorite jokes of all time...before you say it - Yes i know I am so Childish :)

Q: What is red and has seven dents?

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A. Snow Whites Cherry.... (ba dum dum)

looky what I did...

all by myself too.....look at the beautiful header!!!!!

Not bad for knowing nothing and just playing around...oh the possibilities now....

I see gnomes....sweet, sweet gnomes in my future....

Bloggin- Day 2

Cause I joined NaBloPoMo it is requiring me to write everyday...

I've gotta tell you people ...just like sex - some days it ain't going to pretty, some days it ain't going to be long, some days it's going to be downright messy...but some days, some days...it will be very sweet and if I dare say...orgasmic (in a funny ha ha..BTDT way)

today I'm just going to Wham Bam Thank You Maam'

I give you

PantyWad Girl posing as a Witch....

and

Toothless Wonder as a beautiful Butterfly...

Holy Crap...

I freakin did it - I wrote HTML code...see that new little thing above my MILF badge (which thankfully hasn't been taken away...I'm on a little MILF break right now...a little diet intolerance...but come the holidays I am going to be trying the Wii diet...so I'll be back in MILF form) that is my NaBloPoMo badge...which they didn't give me something nice to just paste it - I had to figure out how to write the HTML code...

go me...go me...do the cabbage patch..do the running man...do the lawn sprinkler....

ok - I am all signed up and ready to go...

Go WHERE???

well I took Aimee's invitation and joined NaBloPoMo

Huh - what the?

NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month

So for the ENTIRE month of November I am going to try and do my best to post every day...

Note DO MY BEST is in bold...cause I can try...but I may not succeed...