Yeah I know I have been gone…been in a rut with the end of summer/beginning of school – I will try my best to give the few of you who do partake and choose to read my blog a glimpse into my life a bit more often…
Ok does anyone know where I might purchase a Strap-on Vagina…
Because I am thinking that my vagina is the beacon in our house…
The “beacon” you say?
Yes the beacon that somehow radiates to my children that I am the only one that can seem to do anything for them…(I also believe it puts out a weird vibe that causes freaky foreign guys to hit on me in bars…but that could just be my big-ass badonkadonk).
DH to TW : Let me brush your hair
TW: No I want Momma to do it
DH to PWG: Let me tuck you into bed
PWG: No I want Momma to do it
DH to TW and PWG : Let’s do your homework
TW & PWG: We want Momma to help us
I am thinking if I can get a strap-on one for DH it might make my life a little easier because then maybe he would have a vagina beacon that would radiate that he can in fact brush hair, tuck the kids in and can do 1st grade math with ease.
GLIMPSE INTO MY LIFE
So I am driving on some god-forsaken errand and glance in my rear-view mirror and see TW and PWG stretched between their carseats mouths open and tongues touching.
ME: Um girls what are you doing
PWG: We're french kissing
in 15 years at a college bar that trick is going to get them a lot of free drinks...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
More of what Jenni Needs....
In order to attract the woman of her erotic dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.
Hummm the woman of my erotic dreams....somehow I don't think I am that Jenni
jenni (needs a drink and a vacation!!)
DAMN RIGHT!
If you feel that Jenni meets your needs, we can provide you with a test implementation of Jenni so that you can try out an ideas
Dude...what sort of needs need to be met...
Jenni needs to coordinate with Laura
maybe she is the woman of my erotic dreams?????
Jenni needs her toenails trimmed
Yeah- OK possibily
Jenni needs to go upstairs and change soon,
for the woman of my erotic dreams???
Jenni needs help from someone with MYOB experience
huh...MYOB?
Jenni needs coffee
of course...I don't need to be told this....
Jenni needs to get a life
gee thanks a lot....
Jenni needs to be there to liven it up and to be Miss Cheeky
does this go hand and hand with get a life...as far as being Miss Cheeky...there is a time and place for that...and that is called College....
Jenni needs applications
for what....are people applying to be the woman of my erotic dreams?
Jenni needs a video blog
not a wide lens big enough to fit my arse in the picture
jenni! you def. need to vamp up your page a little
Ok - don't be so antsy....
hey jenni! you need to update your shit. who else is going to entertain me!
Gotcha...I'll try and do better....
NOW - it is your turn...
Hummm the woman of my erotic dreams....somehow I don't think I am that Jenni
jenni (needs a drink and a vacation!!)
DAMN RIGHT!
If you feel that Jenni meets your needs, we can provide you with a test implementation of Jenni so that you can try out an ideas
Dude...what sort of needs need to be met...
Jenni needs to coordinate with Laura
maybe she is the woman of my erotic dreams?????
Jenni needs her toenails trimmed
Yeah- OK possibily
Jenni needs to go upstairs and change soon,
for the woman of my erotic dreams???
Jenni needs help from someone with MYOB experience
huh...MYOB?
Jenni needs coffee
of course...I don't need to be told this....
Jenni needs to get a life
gee thanks a lot....
Jenni needs to be there to liven it up and to be Miss Cheeky
does this go hand and hand with get a life...as far as being Miss Cheeky...there is a time and place for that...and that is called College....
Jenni needs applications
for what....are people applying to be the woman of my erotic dreams?
Jenni needs a video blog
not a wide lens big enough to fit my arse in the picture
jenni! you def. need to vamp up your page a little
Ok - don't be so antsy....
hey jenni! you need to update your shit. who else is going to entertain me!
Gotcha...I'll try and do better....
NOW - it is your turn...
- Go to Google
- Type in "your name" + "needs" (without " ")
- See what YOU need :)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Everyone Needs A Jenni !!!
So...I was playing the Google game of NEEDS...you know you type in your name + needs and see what comes up...and found this...
Apparently everyone needs one of ME :)
Monday, July 23, 2007
Which one of these things just doesn't belong...
Friday Night
11 p.m.
Me
Red-neck Bar
A Band named Monkeyfist
Mullets
Bad Dye Jobs
Hefty women in spandex
So on Friday I get a call from my friend Ro…she asks me what I am doing that evening…
Let’s see I am a mommy…so nothing…
She asks me if I want to go to a bar and see her husband’s band – Monkeyfist – play…
You see it was playing at a little place in my town called the Midway Lounge…don’t let the exciting name fool you…it is a honkey-tonk Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Bar…and not the cool kind you would find Toby Keith in…
I said sure why not…
I then had to call her back and tell her I didn’t have any stretch Gold Lame and didn’t know if I would fit it – she mentioned something about wearing her “fuck me” boots and then lamented on the fact it had been so long since she had worn them she wasn’t sure where they were and quite possibly the dog could have eaten them…
Anyway on Friday night we did end up at a bar called the Midway Lounge…where it cost us $10 cover…but the drinks were $1…I remarked that if my college bar had gone the same route I probably would have been very acquainted with the 12 steps by now…
When we got to the bar it was about 10pm and the band was between sets…this gave us ample time to take a look around…OMG….
Now I have been in some bars in my lifetime but this one was very interesting to say the least…
RO and I felt a little out of place being that neither of us has a mullet, bleach blonde hair or the smell of desperation surrounding us….
The mullets were running rampant…I guess these guys don’t know that even Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t have his mullet anymore (and I know this because my daughters have just discovered Hannah Montana and I have become reacquainted with Mr. Billy Ray).
And the bleach blondes – OMG – this morning one of my co-workers asked if the bleachies also included the bad frizzy perms…OF COURSE – complete with the half pulled back on-top-of-your-head scrunchie ponytail…whip that top pony around…
Of course you can’t have a Redneck bar without bar sluts…and you know they do come in two varieties…the really skinny ones with spandex tops and jeans that look to be painted on …and the really “fluffy” ones with the spandex tops and the jeans that look painted on…my eyes were assaulted by many a fashion disaster…
And then in the air was the smell of desperation…it was mainly coming from the table next to us that housed 1 couple and 3 to 4 homely looking 30 somethings….30 somethings that were in desperate need of some makeovers – now I know that I don’t always make the best fashion choices but I had to agree with Ro when she exclaimed “Damn I’m a hot chick up in this place” - then again with $1 drinks guess you don't have to look to good...them beer googles make everything look a little better...
Monkeyfist was very good – I enjoyed the music – lots of 90’s rock with a few current hits thrown in…so good music, $1 drinks (with a designated driver), spending some time with a good friend and discovering there is at least one bar in town where I look pretty damn good…- the evening was pretty good…
11 p.m.
Me
Red-neck Bar
A Band named Monkeyfist
Mullets
Bad Dye Jobs
Hefty women in spandex
So on Friday I get a call from my friend Ro…she asks me what I am doing that evening…
Let’s see I am a mommy…so nothing…
She asks me if I want to go to a bar and see her husband’s band – Monkeyfist – play…
You see it was playing at a little place in my town called the Midway Lounge…don’t let the exciting name fool you…it is a honkey-tonk Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Bar…and not the cool kind you would find Toby Keith in…
I said sure why not…
I then had to call her back and tell her I didn’t have any stretch Gold Lame and didn’t know if I would fit it – she mentioned something about wearing her “fuck me” boots and then lamented on the fact it had been so long since she had worn them she wasn’t sure where they were and quite possibly the dog could have eaten them…
Anyway on Friday night we did end up at a bar called the Midway Lounge…where it cost us $10 cover…but the drinks were $1…I remarked that if my college bar had gone the same route I probably would have been very acquainted with the 12 steps by now…
When we got to the bar it was about 10pm and the band was between sets…this gave us ample time to take a look around…OMG….
Now I have been in some bars in my lifetime but this one was very interesting to say the least…
RO and I felt a little out of place being that neither of us has a mullet, bleach blonde hair or the smell of desperation surrounding us….
The mullets were running rampant…I guess these guys don’t know that even Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t have his mullet anymore (and I know this because my daughters have just discovered Hannah Montana and I have become reacquainted with Mr. Billy Ray).
And the bleach blondes – OMG – this morning one of my co-workers asked if the bleachies also included the bad frizzy perms…OF COURSE – complete with the half pulled back on-top-of-your-head scrunchie ponytail…whip that top pony around…
Of course you can’t have a Redneck bar without bar sluts…and you know they do come in two varieties…the really skinny ones with spandex tops and jeans that look to be painted on …and the really “fluffy” ones with the spandex tops and the jeans that look painted on…my eyes were assaulted by many a fashion disaster…
And then in the air was the smell of desperation…it was mainly coming from the table next to us that housed 1 couple and 3 to 4 homely looking 30 somethings….30 somethings that were in desperate need of some makeovers – now I know that I don’t always make the best fashion choices but I had to agree with Ro when she exclaimed “Damn I’m a hot chick up in this place” - then again with $1 drinks guess you don't have to look to good...them beer googles make everything look a little better...
Monkeyfist was very good – I enjoyed the music – lots of 90’s rock with a few current hits thrown in…so good music, $1 drinks (with a designated driver), spending some time with a good friend and discovering there is at least one bar in town where I look pretty damn good…- the evening was pretty good…
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hitting the Motherload
It all started last week…
On Tuesday night we walked into the house to a sound that I can only describe as 100 cicadas mating furiously in our living room…the noise was high pitch and deafening….
Third Child and I are looking and looking trying to pinpoint where the noise was coming from…finally we decided it must be coming from our TV or the cable box…
So we unplug everything and the noise stops…TC plugs the TV in and BAM…the noise is back…
Sniffle Sniffle the TV is dead…but inside I was rejoicing…our TV had been having “issues” so I had been researching HDTV’s…so I looked at TC and said “after dinner we go buy a new TV”
I knew exactly the one we wanted and off we went…first we went to Sears and talked with a very nice man about the TV we wanted to buy…but alas they didn’t have any in stock and it could take up to a week to get it…so we were forced to go to Circuit City…
I HATE Circuit City with a passion – the sales people are idiots…they fired all their good sale associates because they made to much money and hired teenagers who don’t even know the basics…heck read the friggin Circuit City website and acquire some knowledge on the things you freakin sell…the last time I went to CC was to purchase an MP3 player – so this couple and I are over looking at the MP3 players – at this point I am not an expert but I did do a little research about the various brands and models – Couple asks the sales associate a basic question…sales associate says “I dunno” – so I jump in and gave the couple a basic run down of MP3 players and the pros and cons of various models…all information I got from the friggin Circuit City website…after asking the sales associate a few more questions the couple and I looked at one another and I said “well I am heading over to Best Buy maybe they know something other than ‘I dunno’” – so couple and I trooped out of CC and across the street to Best Buy – where we both made purchases…
Anyway the particular TV I wanted Best Buy does not carry so I was stuck with Circuit City…so after Sears we go to Circuit City – and wait and wait and wait – TC and I are walking up and down the isle of the TV’s trying to make eye contact with the sales associates – twice we were told “Be with ya in a minute”…yeah – so 10 minutes later I finally troop over the checkout and ask if they had the particular TV I was looking for in stock because according to their website they did and I would like to purchase it…Apparently the cashiers had arrived to work on the short bus…because I got blank stares – so finally one poor person took pity on me and found me a sales associate – I made the purchase and away we went…
So we get home and realize that our new TV will not fit in our TV cabinet – cabinet 31” wide…TV 31.4 “ wide – so I look at TC and said “cut the MF’er down” – which he did and very nicely I might add the next day.
So Wed night TC and I unpack the TV and put it on our newly remodeled TV cabinet and then we get stuck – apparently our digital cable box is for old decrepit TV’s and we have a new HDTV and much like Cats and Dogs they aren’t going to mate…I finally succumb to plugging the cable right into the TV – at least we would get some basic TV for now…So DH and I are watching TV and we had the following conversation which will factor into this increasingly long story…
TV shows commercial of new Fall Show Journeyman
Me: - What a farce – it sounds like Quantum Leap
TC: But it is different than Quantum Leap
Me; Really - no shit (of course said sarcastically) – Quantum Leap was da’ bomb and Scott Backula was quite delicious – like a fluffy stud muffin.
TC: I am sure you can still see Quantum Leap – maybe it is on the Sci-Fi channel
Me: That would force me actually look for it – rather than it just being there. Ya know if they are redoing Bionic Woman they could redo Quantum Leap – I would be all over that.
So on Thursday I call our cable company and lo and behold they actually have an appointment time for 7am-9am the next morning to deliver and set up an HD box…Well sign me up – then the rep asks a question “Do you want DVR” – hummmmm DVR – “How much more a month would it be?” - $7….well go ahead and sign me up.
Friday morning the cable guy arrives (at 9am of course) and installs my new HD/DVR cable box…joy…
I don’t get a chance to play around with said DVR and cable box until Saturday night and even then I just read the directions on how to record a program – so I figured I would give it a whirl and find some Kim Possible episode at 12:30am to record (for the kiddos)
Sunday morning said kiddos are driving me bonkers so I decide to let them watch TV and remember I recorded a Kim Possible episode…so let’s try that DVR out –
Click on My DVR and notice on the first page there seems to be more stuff then just Kim Possible…and my DVR says 42% full…obviously I got a well used unit…so I am looking 20/20…My Name is Earl…Primetime – ok stuff I can delete…then I page down…OMG…what is that QUANTUM LEAP episode…no freakin way…page down again
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
And page down again and again….all QUANTUM LEAP’s
I counted about 20 in all…
Sweet mother of DVR…
I feel like I won the DVR lottery…
Thank you O’ TV Gods for putting my old TV out of it’s misery…
Ummmm Scott Backula in his prime – snarf snarf snarf….
On Tuesday night we walked into the house to a sound that I can only describe as 100 cicadas mating furiously in our living room…the noise was high pitch and deafening….
Third Child and I are looking and looking trying to pinpoint where the noise was coming from…finally we decided it must be coming from our TV or the cable box…
So we unplug everything and the noise stops…TC plugs the TV in and BAM…the noise is back…
Sniffle Sniffle the TV is dead…but inside I was rejoicing…our TV had been having “issues” so I had been researching HDTV’s…so I looked at TC and said “after dinner we go buy a new TV”
I knew exactly the one we wanted and off we went…first we went to Sears and talked with a very nice man about the TV we wanted to buy…but alas they didn’t have any in stock and it could take up to a week to get it…so we were forced to go to Circuit City…
I HATE Circuit City with a passion – the sales people are idiots…they fired all their good sale associates because they made to much money and hired teenagers who don’t even know the basics…heck read the friggin Circuit City website and acquire some knowledge on the things you freakin sell…the last time I went to CC was to purchase an MP3 player – so this couple and I are over looking at the MP3 players – at this point I am not an expert but I did do a little research about the various brands and models – Couple asks the sales associate a basic question…sales associate says “I dunno” – so I jump in and gave the couple a basic run down of MP3 players and the pros and cons of various models…all information I got from the friggin Circuit City website…after asking the sales associate a few more questions the couple and I looked at one another and I said “well I am heading over to Best Buy maybe they know something other than ‘I dunno’” – so couple and I trooped out of CC and across the street to Best Buy – where we both made purchases…
Anyway the particular TV I wanted Best Buy does not carry so I was stuck with Circuit City…so after Sears we go to Circuit City – and wait and wait and wait – TC and I are walking up and down the isle of the TV’s trying to make eye contact with the sales associates – twice we were told “Be with ya in a minute”…yeah – so 10 minutes later I finally troop over the checkout and ask if they had the particular TV I was looking for in stock because according to their website they did and I would like to purchase it…Apparently the cashiers had arrived to work on the short bus…because I got blank stares – so finally one poor person took pity on me and found me a sales associate – I made the purchase and away we went…
So we get home and realize that our new TV will not fit in our TV cabinet – cabinet 31” wide…TV 31.4 “ wide – so I look at TC and said “cut the MF’er down” – which he did and very nicely I might add the next day.
So Wed night TC and I unpack the TV and put it on our newly remodeled TV cabinet and then we get stuck – apparently our digital cable box is for old decrepit TV’s and we have a new HDTV and much like Cats and Dogs they aren’t going to mate…I finally succumb to plugging the cable right into the TV – at least we would get some basic TV for now…So DH and I are watching TV and we had the following conversation which will factor into this increasingly long story…
TV shows commercial of new Fall Show Journeyman
Me: - What a farce – it sounds like Quantum Leap
TC: But it is different than Quantum Leap
Me; Really - no shit (of course said sarcastically) – Quantum Leap was da’ bomb and Scott Backula was quite delicious – like a fluffy stud muffin.
TC: I am sure you can still see Quantum Leap – maybe it is on the Sci-Fi channel
Me: That would force me actually look for it – rather than it just being there. Ya know if they are redoing Bionic Woman they could redo Quantum Leap – I would be all over that.
So on Thursday I call our cable company and lo and behold they actually have an appointment time for 7am-9am the next morning to deliver and set up an HD box…Well sign me up – then the rep asks a question “Do you want DVR” – hummmmm DVR – “How much more a month would it be?” - $7….well go ahead and sign me up.
Friday morning the cable guy arrives (at 9am of course) and installs my new HD/DVR cable box…joy…
I don’t get a chance to play around with said DVR and cable box until Saturday night and even then I just read the directions on how to record a program – so I figured I would give it a whirl and find some Kim Possible episode at 12:30am to record (for the kiddos)
Sunday morning said kiddos are driving me bonkers so I decide to let them watch TV and remember I recorded a Kim Possible episode…so let’s try that DVR out –
Click on My DVR and notice on the first page there seems to be more stuff then just Kim Possible…and my DVR says 42% full…obviously I got a well used unit…so I am looking 20/20…My Name is Earl…Primetime – ok stuff I can delete…then I page down…OMG…what is that QUANTUM LEAP episode…no freakin way…page down again
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
And page down again and again….all QUANTUM LEAP’s
I counted about 20 in all…
Sweet mother of DVR…
I feel like I won the DVR lottery…
Thank you O’ TV Gods for putting my old TV out of it’s misery…
Ummmm Scott Backula in his prime – snarf snarf snarf….
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Poppin' my TAG cherry...
Well Jimmi tagged me...
So Here Goes...
Here's what I have to do for this tagging game:
1) I must post 7 random things about me:-
2) Tag 7 other bloggers :-ok like Jimmi I can only think of 6 right now
Gretchen - http://swiperbootsdora.blogspot.com/
Liz - http://www.buildermama.blogspot.com/
Erica - http://singlemomfindingherself.blogspot.com/
Heather - http://mamamaven.blogspot.com/
Louisa - http://mrswheezer.blogspot.com/
Stephanie - http://jhawker-fan.blogspot.com/
3) Post Rules & the bloggers I tagged here.
4) Leave tagged bloggers comments on their web sites so that they know they have been tagged
So Here Goes...
Here's what I have to do for this tagging game:
1) I must post 7 random things about me:-
- I love the smell of Honeysuckle and I am very glad Bath and Bodyworks now has this scent
- I am a Bag-a-holic...or a Bag-ho if you must - I can't resist a cute bag...especially if it comes FREE or pretty cheap with purchase...Damn that Bath and Body Works and thier cute bags
- I am a coupon fanatic and refuse to pay full price for anything
- I am a Jello-sucking CHAMPION....
- My baby sister is a Lieutenant in the Coast Guard and teaches at USCGA
- I am very ecclectic in my music tastes - from Toby Keith to Metallica to Bette Midler to Panic at the Disco to Live to Neil Diamond...however I can't stand Jazz or most classical music...
- I have a *slight* gnome problem...come-on 14 garden gnomes isn't that many is it?
2) Tag 7 other bloggers :-ok like Jimmi I can only think of 6 right now
Gretchen - http://swiperbootsdora.blogspot.com/
Liz - http://www.buildermama.blogspot.com/
Erica - http://singlemomfindingherself.blogspot.com/
Heather - http://mamamaven.blogspot.com/
Louisa - http://mrswheezer.blogspot.com/
Stephanie - http://jhawker-fan.blogspot.com/
3) Post Rules & the bloggers I tagged here.
4) Leave tagged bloggers comments on their web sites so that they know they have been tagged
Of Honeymoons and Mr. Happy's
Yeah yeah yeah - I know it has been awhile since I last blogged…but I got to go on a vaction with Third Child WITHOUT PWG and TW….ohhhhh can we say Heaven…I’ll probably Blog about that later….
First off…ERICA made me cry…she gave me
First off…ERICA made me cry…she gave me
Thanks sweetie….you ROCK to…I love you like a little gnome…
Secondly I bet you are wondering what the title of my this post refers to…
I have really only truly won two things in my life…why I continue to play the lottery is beyond me…I guess I like throwing away $2 a week…
Anyway when planning my wedding I bought all the requisite Bridal magazines…ALL of them…Do you freakin know how much a stack of Bridal magazines weigh...More than I do now…anyway I filled out any contest I could find in those magazines…
Win a Free Reception (*up to 10K – ha ha ha guess everyone will be eating tiny wieners on a stick)…Win a Designer Dress (Butt-ugly…just because you are a designer doesn’t mean you can’t have a bad day…) and lastly Win a Honeymoon – oh let’s just say that seemed to have the most contests (BTW – Brides to be - don’t bother filling out any contests for Sandals Resort, because everyone wins…a tape of what you can do at Sandals)
So I filled them out, mailed them in and forgot about them…until the day I got a registered letter…a registered letter stating that I had WON…yes little ole me had WON a honeymoon…I won a contest that was sponsored by Brides magazine and Wyndham resorts – my prize package included my choice of a weeks stay at one of 7 different Wyndham Resorts in the Caribbean including air fare and also for some reason a set of monogrammed white towels…
Third Child and I choose St. Lucia because we had never heard of it…turns out we knew why we had never heard of it – it is filled with Europeans…I don’t have an issue with Europeans, but I do have an issue with the teeny, tiny speedos all the fat Europeans seem to wear…everywhere I turned there was a banana hammock – and a banana hammock on a 300+ lb dude is NOT a pretty site…and there seemed to be a lot of 300+ lb European dudes that week…
Anyway – so for the longest time that was really the only thing in my life I had ever WON…until recently….
I recently won THIS - thanks to LOTTA ...and of course NIKKI
I was surprised I was choosen…and it was very interesting to explain to Third Child that I had won something and what exactly I had won…
Anyway – while we were on vacation it was sent…I went to the post office to pick up my mail that had been held…as I was digging down in the Postal box I felt something big and round…hummmm – so I grabbed the package and brought it from the depths of the box…
It had been opened…not fully opened as Mr. Happy was still in a sealed plastic bag…but the envelope had popped open and anyone who has a pair of eyes could see what laid in the bag…so now my postman (I live in a fairly small town) knows I get freaky…and with what I get freaky…(*note to self – pick up a big hat, sunglasses and a scarf for the incognito look when going to the Post office)
Anyway I got home and showed it to Third Child…he was quite impressed with it…and had a gleam in his eye…all I will say is that I can’t review it until I try it…so it might be awhile…
Anyway one thing I did find interesting is that it had a warning sheet with it…and one of the warnings stated “Do not use it on any unexplained calf pain” – hummm yes because if I have unexplained calf pain the first thing I would do is grab Mr. Happy and let him buzz away….
Anyway – so for the longest time that was really the only thing in my life I had ever WON…until recently….
I recently won THIS - thanks to LOTTA ...and of course NIKKI
I was surprised I was choosen…and it was very interesting to explain to Third Child that I had won something and what exactly I had won…
Anyway – while we were on vacation it was sent…I went to the post office to pick up my mail that had been held…as I was digging down in the Postal box I felt something big and round…hummmm – so I grabbed the package and brought it from the depths of the box…
It had been opened…not fully opened as Mr. Happy was still in a sealed plastic bag…but the envelope had popped open and anyone who has a pair of eyes could see what laid in the bag…so now my postman (I live in a fairly small town) knows I get freaky…and with what I get freaky…(*note to self – pick up a big hat, sunglasses and a scarf for the incognito look when going to the Post office)
Anyway I got home and showed it to Third Child…he was quite impressed with it…and had a gleam in his eye…all I will say is that I can’t review it until I try it…so it might be awhile…
Anyway one thing I did find interesting is that it had a warning sheet with it…and one of the warnings stated “Do not use it on any unexplained calf pain” – hummm yes because if I have unexplained calf pain the first thing I would do is grab Mr. Happy and let him buzz away….
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Whats in a Name?
My girls are 6 years old…you would think by now they would know the proper names for certain areas of their bodies…
They don’t.
It is not because I don’t want to teach them the proper names…they just have never asked…
The area in question has been called a lot of things around our house…(mainly whispered between Third Child and I)
Pu-tang
Berry Free Zone
Va-jay-jay
Akav (aaaaa-kav) – Area Known as Vagina
Nether regions
Private area
Lately I have just been calling it - HOO-HOO (who-who)
“Scrub your hoo-hoo girls…get it good and clean”
The other day TW and PWG wanted to play in their kiddie pool in the backyard…if it meant me not having to deal with the bathtub + tiring them out – no brainer…
So PWG comes inside, dries off and strips to her skivvies…she comes to me bearing Princess Panties and asks me to put them on her…and the conversation went a little something like this
ME: - Hold on before you put those on it looks like you have a piece of grass near your HOO-HOO (grab a tissue and get the grass)
PWG: Is that what it is really called?
ME: What?
PWG: HOO-HOO – is that it’s real name?
ME: - ummmm, wellll – no it is called a Vagina…
PWG: Vagina…oh I like HOO HOO better.
Long live the HOO-HOO
They don’t.
It is not because I don’t want to teach them the proper names…they just have never asked…
The area in question has been called a lot of things around our house…(mainly whispered between Third Child and I)
Pu-tang
Berry Free Zone
Va-jay-jay
Akav (aaaaa-kav) – Area Known as Vagina
Nether regions
Private area
Lately I have just been calling it - HOO-HOO (who-who)
“Scrub your hoo-hoo girls…get it good and clean”
The other day TW and PWG wanted to play in their kiddie pool in the backyard…if it meant me not having to deal with the bathtub + tiring them out – no brainer…
So PWG comes inside, dries off and strips to her skivvies…she comes to me bearing Princess Panties and asks me to put them on her…and the conversation went a little something like this
ME: - Hold on before you put those on it looks like you have a piece of grass near your HOO-HOO (grab a tissue and get the grass)
PWG: Is that what it is really called?
ME: What?
PWG: HOO-HOO – is that it’s real name?
ME: - ummmm, wellll – no it is called a Vagina…
PWG: Vagina…oh I like HOO HOO better.
Long live the HOO-HOO
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Why doesn’t anyone tell you just how hard it is to be a mommy? Seriously. I mean perfect strangers are more than happy to share the story about the time they put little Susie in the Johnny Jump up and there was an unfortunate diaper explosion…they will tell you about the time they went into little Billy’s room and found he was a budding artist and what a wonderful painting he did with his own…well you know.
But no one ever says…Darn it being a mommy royally sucks sometimes! Are we as women not secure enough in ourselves to divulge this wicked little secret? Yes we all love our children – they are a part of us…whether they grew in our bellies or from our hearts they are our pride and joy. But sometimes you wonder how much you can get for them at your local flea market.
Almost every new mom to be has this pretty little picture painted in her head about how great and wonderful it will be to be a mommy and about how perfect their child will be. I know I did – until that one fateful day when we saw two little blobs on the ultrasound machine. I don’t think I ever saw my husbands face so white as when he gandered upon that screen – as I turned to look and came to the full realization at exactly what I was looking at I started to shake uncontrollably. The ultrasound tech tried to calm me by telling me “honey, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” – my response “I think he got the wrong womb on this one”
FATE – it had caught up with me…see I spent most of my life being told my sister or I would have twins, as twins run in my family. This little tidbit even factored in discussions with my husband about how many children we wanted (for the record he wanted 3 - I only wanted 2). I told him in no uncertain terms that I had no desire to tempt “fate” and wind up with 4 children should we try for #3 and let’s just try for 1 and go from there…
We told our family and they were ecstatic…even if I wasn’t. So many things running through my head – I had done all the preparing for 1 baby…I could do 1 baby…but TWO. See here is the thing about me – I’m lazy…I am a procrastinator…I pray every night that the angels above will send me an “easy” button.
But over time I grew excited over the prospect of being a mommy…after all I still had those wonderful visions in my head of two perfect babies…ones that breastfed like champs and slept through the night. Why those visions, because nobody told me the truth.
Nobody told me
- how much my hormones would go crazy after the birth of my babies
- how I would cry at the drop a hat, for no explainable reason at all
- how my boobs would turn out to be for decoration purposes only
- how loud a babies cry can be and that earplugs hardly stifle the noise
- how something so little could produce enough gas to power a small city for a month
- how babies like to sleep during the day and play at night
- how radically different my life would be
Those moms who told me about the Johnny Jump-up vs explosive diaper and Little Billy’s painting forgot to mention the fact they probably bit back curse words or got so frustrated they saw stars…because when you are a mommy you forget.
Those tiny hands…those little feet…the first word…the first step…they make you forget the times when being a mommy frustrates you so much you lock yourself in the bathroom and scream into a pillow or rip apart our childrens stuffed animals….
I guess us mommies don’t remember the bad times or else we would be telling those new mommies to be that sometimes it just sucks….
Friday, June 15, 2007
Chubby Girls get ye' arse to Kohls....
So yesterday I had to get a haircut so I decided to leave work oh 2 hours before my appointment...
and I wondered around Kohls...
and I found THIS!!!
What is THIS....well my chubby friends it is apt. 9® Mock-Layered Floral Empire Dress
and I bought it in a PETITE MEDIUM!!!
YES that is right a MEDIUM....my 14/16 arse fit into a Medium
It is the perfect dress for those with hips and arse...the waist is made up of two elastic bands in an empire fashion and the material - ahhh perfect...a nice cotton - not clingy at all and most of all it doesn't have too much fabric...
I love the look of empire waist dresses but some of them have so much fabric on the bottom half it looks like I am smuggling piglets on my hips
Now this dress comes in Petite, Regular and Womens sizes in the store (online it only shows up in the Petites area)...I would say if you are a 14/16 - you should be able to fit in a Medium - Large - My top half isn't that well endowed which is one of the reasons I think I was able to fit nicely in a Medium...
And why I have you reading my blog - riddle me this Batman...
Why can't I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers pants....but yet it fit into a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers shorts???? and likewise how can I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Lee pants...but the Size 14 shorts...welll lets just say it aint a pretty picture - imagine Miss Piggy wearing Daisy Dukes....
I do believe Womens clothing manufactures were placed on this earth to drive me insane....
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Open Letter to my Cats
While I am completely aware you can not read I feel the need to write this out...
If you are going to take the time to play with little micey friends...do them a favor and just kill them when you are done "playing"...
It was very difficult to explain to my daughters this morning why my husband had to kill Stuart Little...you see I thought your poor little mousey friend was deceased but when Third Child went to go remove him turns out he was still trying to hang on so valiently to life...
Third Child, half dead mouse, shovel - you can form your own picture...
Oh yeah one more thing...when you do kill them - Third Child would appreciate you not leaving it 2 steps outside the door on the deck...Appearently he managed to step barefoot on one of your conquests the other night...
If you are going to take the time to play with little micey friends...do them a favor and just kill them when you are done "playing"...
It was very difficult to explain to my daughters this morning why my husband had to kill Stuart Little...you see I thought your poor little mousey friend was deceased but when Third Child went to go remove him turns out he was still trying to hang on so valiently to life...
Third Child, half dead mouse, shovel - you can form your own picture...
Oh yeah one more thing...when you do kill them - Third Child would appreciate you not leaving it 2 steps outside the door on the deck...Appearently he managed to step barefoot on one of your conquests the other night...
Friday, June 08, 2007
Does EVERYTHING have to be equal...
So last week I took the girls to the Dr.'s for their 6 year old Well Child visit...
did all the basics and they were deemed fit and ok for 6 year olds - allbeit a little short (25%)
so they needed to get blood and urine...
Blood - not a problem - a little prink and squeeze and that is done...
Urine on the other hand involves me taking part and playing "Catch the stream"
So everything went OK (or so I thought) and off we went...
At the beginning of the week I got a call from the Dr. office...can we come back in because something went wrong with the Urine samples...
JOY
So on Tuesday I pick up the girls early and off we go...
Once again I am on my knees in a bathroom holding a plastic cup up to my daughters Va-jay-jay and telling them "Please don't arch you aren't a water fountain"...and I catch the stream...
PWG went first and TW followed...
Everything went OK until....
They looked at the little plastic vials...and then it began
TW: PWG has more pee than me
ME: It doesn't make a difference
TW: But it is not equal - Can I pee more so it is equal
ME: NO!
TW: Please - it is not fair that PWG has more pee than me {cue big fat tears rolling down face}
all the while PWG is dancing around the bathroom singing "I have more pee...I have more pee"
HONESTLY...SERIOUSLY...
having equal ice cream in their bowls is one thing...but arguing and getting upset because your sister has more pee in her cup than you...
To top the day off Third Child managed to disloacte his shoulder later that night...so I got to spend a few hours in the ER...thank goodness our neighbor was home and could run over to stay with the girls...
did all the basics and they were deemed fit and ok for 6 year olds - allbeit a little short (25%)
so they needed to get blood and urine...
Blood - not a problem - a little prink and squeeze and that is done...
Urine on the other hand involves me taking part and playing "Catch the stream"
So everything went OK (or so I thought) and off we went...
At the beginning of the week I got a call from the Dr. office...can we come back in because something went wrong with the Urine samples...
JOY
So on Tuesday I pick up the girls early and off we go...
Once again I am on my knees in a bathroom holding a plastic cup up to my daughters Va-jay-jay and telling them "Please don't arch you aren't a water fountain"...and I catch the stream...
PWG went first and TW followed...
Everything went OK until....
They looked at the little plastic vials...and then it began
TW: PWG has more pee than me
ME: It doesn't make a difference
TW: But it is not equal - Can I pee more so it is equal
ME: NO!
TW: Please - it is not fair that PWG has more pee than me {cue big fat tears rolling down face}
all the while PWG is dancing around the bathroom singing "I have more pee...I have more pee"
HONESTLY...SERIOUSLY...
having equal ice cream in their bowls is one thing...but arguing and getting upset because your sister has more pee in her cup than you...
To top the day off Third Child managed to disloacte his shoulder later that night...so I got to spend a few hours in the ER...thank goodness our neighbor was home and could run over to stay with the girls...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Molesting the Pig
Don’t worry this is not a post about Nookie time with my hubby…
No rather yesterday Toothless Wonder came home with a necklace…in the shape of a tooth…can you guess what was in that necklace…
YEP another tooth…for those counting at home that makes a total of SIX for TW.
So she got her little Tooth Fairy box and put her tooth in it and plowed it under her pillow…as she was drifting off to sleep she told me I could either call or e-mail the tooth fairy but not to forget to let her know…Ah the age of technology…e-mailing the tooth fairy.
SO Third Child and I look at each other and he said “You got some money?”
But of course…
You see the girls each have a piggy bank…TC and I help fill the banks with spare change every now and then but for the most part it is filled with money the girls get here and there.
So last night I needed 5 dimes…where did I go – straight to the piggy…
Nothing like sitting on your bed at 10 pm at night with your fingers shoved up a pigs hole…
The humorous thing about this is this morning after counting her money TW walked over and deposited it in the piggy bank…
One day she will find out I am the Tooth Fairy and that I gave her the same five dimes over and over and over and over again…
I guess that is why there are Therapists?
No rather yesterday Toothless Wonder came home with a necklace…in the shape of a tooth…can you guess what was in that necklace…
YEP another tooth…for those counting at home that makes a total of SIX for TW.
So she got her little Tooth Fairy box and put her tooth in it and plowed it under her pillow…as she was drifting off to sleep she told me I could either call or e-mail the tooth fairy but not to forget to let her know…Ah the age of technology…e-mailing the tooth fairy.
SO Third Child and I look at each other and he said “You got some money?”
But of course…
You see the girls each have a piggy bank…TC and I help fill the banks with spare change every now and then but for the most part it is filled with money the girls get here and there.
So last night I needed 5 dimes…where did I go – straight to the piggy…
Nothing like sitting on your bed at 10 pm at night with your fingers shoved up a pigs hole…
The humorous thing about this is this morning after counting her money TW walked over and deposited it in the piggy bank…
One day she will find out I am the Tooth Fairy and that I gave her the same five dimes over and over and over and over again…
I guess that is why there are Therapists?
Friday, May 25, 2007
Big Hair Band are Pussies
So I bought myself an MP3 player – which in turn lead us getting our whole house outfitted for digital everything…cause I could not effectively download songs on the measly AOL dial-up we had…of course I just wanted to see about getting high speed internet – but I called Comcast…and well next thing you know a beefy young man was at my house diddling my plugs…(oh wait this my blog…not my letter to Penthouse)
OK so now we have Cable internet…which now after being able to download 100 songs in under 5 minutes I can never get rid of…plus the fact Third Child and I found soft porn available on the On Demand Cable…whoo hoo…nothing like seeing some Reno prostitutes get it on…well that and Noggin On Demand….what can I say it satisfies everyone in the house…
So I got my MP3 player and got a subscription to Rhapsody on the Go – which allows me to download playlists other people create into my MP3 player…I have enjoyed going back and reliving my high school life thru music…that is until the other day…
I downloaded a playlist called….Hair Bands of the 80’s….SCORE (or so I thought) – It had a total of 86 songs and I thought “man I will get my rock on”….after all – Warrant, Skid Row, Lita Ford, Kiss…and many others…well I discovered most are
PUSSIES….
Did every big hair 80’s band release a sappy love song or 5…WTF Van Halen and Skid Row I thought better of you and Mr. Big…sorry maybe you should be on the One Hit Wonder list…
Now I know not every song can be like Cherry Pie or Dr. Feelgood – but come on…surely you all have more rockin hits…every other songs is some sappy love song…and Sister Christian…why is that song on the playlist…
I guess I should have looked for the “Non pussy songs of 80’s Hair Bands”
I am however – really enjoying the “Class of ’93 and beyond” playlist….but my favorite…”Early 90’s High school” – a little classic MC, Criss Cross, Cypress Hill and of course a song I shook my ass to on the dance floor…a little Tag Team…
There's a party over here
OK so now we have Cable internet…which now after being able to download 100 songs in under 5 minutes I can never get rid of…plus the fact Third Child and I found soft porn available on the On Demand Cable…whoo hoo…nothing like seeing some Reno prostitutes get it on…well that and Noggin On Demand….what can I say it satisfies everyone in the house…
So I got my MP3 player and got a subscription to Rhapsody on the Go – which allows me to download playlists other people create into my MP3 player…I have enjoyed going back and reliving my high school life thru music…that is until the other day…
I downloaded a playlist called….Hair Bands of the 80’s….SCORE (or so I thought) – It had a total of 86 songs and I thought “man I will get my rock on”….after all – Warrant, Skid Row, Lita Ford, Kiss…and many others…well I discovered most are
PUSSIES….
Did every big hair 80’s band release a sappy love song or 5…WTF Van Halen and Skid Row I thought better of you and Mr. Big…sorry maybe you should be on the One Hit Wonder list…
Now I know not every song can be like Cherry Pie or Dr. Feelgood – but come on…surely you all have more rockin hits…every other songs is some sappy love song…and Sister Christian…why is that song on the playlist…
I guess I should have looked for the “Non pussy songs of 80’s Hair Bands”
I am however – really enjoying the “Class of ’93 and beyond” playlist….but my favorite…”Early 90’s High school” – a little classic MC, Criss Cross, Cypress Hill and of course a song I shook my ass to on the dance floor…a little Tag Team…
There's a party over here
a party over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake your deriere
These three words when you're gettin' busy
Whoomp there it is
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Murph's Study Hall - the end of an era....
I was recently informed that my college bar – Murph’s Study Hall was sold…and there would no longer be a Murph’s
Everyone - please bow your heads for a moment of silence…
I have so many feelings about this – I know I know it is just a bar – but it played a very important role in my college years…
See Murph’s is your typical college bar…within easy walking distance of the campus, small, compact, dingy but so much freakin FUN…pool tables, beer for less than a buck and young {sometimes hot} college boys to make out with.
Being the person that I am I had a fake ID…so I was able to enjoy Mr. Murphy’s establishment pretty much since I arrived on campus…Oh back then it was even smaller and dingier – you had to be really friendly in the women’s room because it was a pair of swinging doors with two toilets…so if you didn’t know the person beside you when you walked in – you sure knew her when you walked out…
Between my Freshman and Sophomore years Mr. Murphy added on to his fine establishment – enlarging the women’s room (THANK YOU) and adding a whole back bar/dance area.
Oh how I loved Murphs…I spent the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year on campus taking summer classes and try as I might to find a job…I didn’t – it was the best summer ever – spent the mornings going to class and the afternoons and evenings usally biding time at Murphs…I got quite proficient in playing pool and I learned how to throw a mean set of darts (only occasionally did one wind up in the ceiling) . It was during this summer that Mr. Murphy realized my ID was well…not ME…but he let me in anyhow and started calling me Virginia (since that is where my ID was issued)…when campus got back into full swing that fall I still got into Murphs…he did look out for me and occasionally I got turned away with a “not tonight Virginia” when the Liquor Control Board was on the prowl…
Murphs gave me my best times…hanging out with my sorority sisters, drinking, laughing, gossiping…and one or two of my worst times {Sorry for puking behind the big screen TV…}…It was a place where relationships formed and relationships died…where rumors were started and lies confronted…it was a place of happy and of sad…I honestly think I cherish my diploma from Murphs more than the one from my college…While Murphs may be no more I still have my Murph's Study Hall T-shirt, a few commemorative St. Patty’s Day glasses and one itchy scratchy dog that Third Child and I named after our beloved college bar….
When I was a senior I was my senior class secretary – which isn’t want it sounds like – basically I was the keg girl during our senior class happy hours at Murphs…oh the power you weld when you control the flow of the beer…One Friday when I was setting up Mrs. Murphy came to me – in her hand she held a license…she asked me if I knew the person on the license – to my surprise it was one of my sorority sisters…turns out her license had been stuck in one of the women’s toilet for a few weeks – the toilet would get stopped up – they would plunge it and it would work again…over and over they did this for a few weeks before getting a plumber in…the problem – Kathy’s license…EWWWWW….the really EWWW part is she continued to use it after it had been fished out…I don’t know about you but I would not have TOUCHED anything that had been on the inside of bar toilet…much less put it in my wallet and lug around with me.
While Murphs holds a lot of fun times for me – it holds a few bittersweet ones as well…the one that sticks out most in my mind – doesn’t involve drinking or gossiping or even making out with a hot boy…during one of the Senior Class Happy Hours I spent an hour chatting with a friend – his name was Joe Podlucky – we had had some classes together and some mutual friends…we worked at the same mall and would occasionally stop by each others place of business to say Hi…that Friday evening in between dispensing beer for a quarter a cup to our fellow seniors we talked about graduating and where our lives were headed…how we were both scared yet excited to see what the future held…it was good conversation…on Monday I had to work – during a break I swung by his workplace but he wasn’t around…I thought to myself “I’ll catch up with him later”…that night he was shot and killed while in his car at another local bar…TO THIS DAY I have this picture of him sitting in the corner of the back bar…sipping on a beer and looking forward to what the future was going to hold for him…RIP Joe….
And to Murph’s thanks for the memories – I shall cherish them all…good, bad and downright ugly…
Everyone - please bow your heads for a moment of silence…
I have so many feelings about this – I know I know it is just a bar – but it played a very important role in my college years…
See Murph’s is your typical college bar…within easy walking distance of the campus, small, compact, dingy but so much freakin FUN…pool tables, beer for less than a buck and young {sometimes hot} college boys to make out with.
Being the person that I am I had a fake ID…so I was able to enjoy Mr. Murphy’s establishment pretty much since I arrived on campus…Oh back then it was even smaller and dingier – you had to be really friendly in the women’s room because it was a pair of swinging doors with two toilets…so if you didn’t know the person beside you when you walked in – you sure knew her when you walked out…
Between my Freshman and Sophomore years Mr. Murphy added on to his fine establishment – enlarging the women’s room (THANK YOU) and adding a whole back bar/dance area.
Oh how I loved Murphs…I spent the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year on campus taking summer classes and try as I might to find a job…I didn’t – it was the best summer ever – spent the mornings going to class and the afternoons and evenings usally biding time at Murphs…I got quite proficient in playing pool and I learned how to throw a mean set of darts (only occasionally did one wind up in the ceiling) . It was during this summer that Mr. Murphy realized my ID was well…not ME…but he let me in anyhow and started calling me Virginia (since that is where my ID was issued)…when campus got back into full swing that fall I still got into Murphs…he did look out for me and occasionally I got turned away with a “not tonight Virginia” when the Liquor Control Board was on the prowl…
Murphs gave me my best times…hanging out with my sorority sisters, drinking, laughing, gossiping…and one or two of my worst times {Sorry for puking behind the big screen TV…}…It was a place where relationships formed and relationships died…where rumors were started and lies confronted…it was a place of happy and of sad…I honestly think I cherish my diploma from Murphs more than the one from my college…While Murphs may be no more I still have my Murph's Study Hall T-shirt, a few commemorative St. Patty’s Day glasses and one itchy scratchy dog that Third Child and I named after our beloved college bar….
When I was a senior I was my senior class secretary – which isn’t want it sounds like – basically I was the keg girl during our senior class happy hours at Murphs…oh the power you weld when you control the flow of the beer…One Friday when I was setting up Mrs. Murphy came to me – in her hand she held a license…she asked me if I knew the person on the license – to my surprise it was one of my sorority sisters…turns out her license had been stuck in one of the women’s toilet for a few weeks – the toilet would get stopped up – they would plunge it and it would work again…over and over they did this for a few weeks before getting a plumber in…the problem – Kathy’s license…EWWWWW….the really EWWW part is she continued to use it after it had been fished out…I don’t know about you but I would not have TOUCHED anything that had been on the inside of bar toilet…much less put it in my wallet and lug around with me.
While Murphs holds a lot of fun times for me – it holds a few bittersweet ones as well…the one that sticks out most in my mind – doesn’t involve drinking or gossiping or even making out with a hot boy…during one of the Senior Class Happy Hours I spent an hour chatting with a friend – his name was Joe Podlucky – we had had some classes together and some mutual friends…we worked at the same mall and would occasionally stop by each others place of business to say Hi…that Friday evening in between dispensing beer for a quarter a cup to our fellow seniors we talked about graduating and where our lives were headed…how we were both scared yet excited to see what the future held…it was good conversation…on Monday I had to work – during a break I swung by his workplace but he wasn’t around…I thought to myself “I’ll catch up with him later”…that night he was shot and killed while in his car at another local bar…TO THIS DAY I have this picture of him sitting in the corner of the back bar…sipping on a beer and looking forward to what the future was going to hold for him…RIP Joe….
And to Murph’s thanks for the memories – I shall cherish them all…good, bad and downright ugly…
Monday, May 21, 2007
And the Bad Mother of the Year award goes to...
ME…
I was recently in a CD swap – which forced me to learn how to work my Windows Media and upload my old CDS onto my computer…
So I made a mixed CD – my first – GO ME…
And then I let my kids listen to some of it in the car…most of it is fairly tame…I mean The Remedy, Margaritaville, You’re my Inspiration…how can that be bad for a bunch of 6 year olds…
Well there are a few ones that just aren’t appropriate for 6 year olds…but did I listen to my inner nag of a mother…nope…
So I let them listen to Baby Got Back…complete with the beginning…
So I thought it wasn’t a big deal – we had a discussion about how they can only sing along to the song when they were in the car with mommy…
Yesterday Third Child got treated to this by TW - VERBATIM…
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like,one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look!
I dare say Third Child almost choked on his coffee…and then gave me a glaring look…then PWG just had to sing her daddy the other song they recently learned…by the Divine Ms. M
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
Darn you girls we had a good thing going…I could listen to music I liked – you could go into total dancing spasms in your boosters to Baby Got Back…
But now…back to APPROPRIATE MUSIC (where is that Ricky Martin CD???)…
Cause the last thing I want is a call from the Principal saying “Ummm we have a little problem here…”
I was recently in a CD swap – which forced me to learn how to work my Windows Media and upload my old CDS onto my computer…
So I made a mixed CD – my first – GO ME…
And then I let my kids listen to some of it in the car…most of it is fairly tame…I mean The Remedy, Margaritaville, You’re my Inspiration…how can that be bad for a bunch of 6 year olds…
Well there are a few ones that just aren’t appropriate for 6 year olds…but did I listen to my inner nag of a mother…nope…
So I let them listen to Baby Got Back…complete with the beginning…
So I thought it wasn’t a big deal – we had a discussion about how they can only sing along to the song when they were in the car with mommy…
Yesterday Third Child got treated to this by TW - VERBATIM…
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like,one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look!
I dare say Third Child almost choked on his coffee…and then gave me a glaring look…then PWG just had to sing her daddy the other song they recently learned…by the Divine Ms. M
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
Darn you girls we had a good thing going…I could listen to music I liked – you could go into total dancing spasms in your boosters to Baby Got Back…
But now…back to APPROPRIATE MUSIC (where is that Ricky Martin CD???)…
Cause the last thing I want is a call from the Principal saying “Ummm we have a little problem here…”
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I'm BACK - did ya miss me....
Yeah yeah yeah - I know the last time I posted was last month...but the only thing ruling my house now-a-days is chaos...
you think I am kidding...in the last 24 hours this has been my life
you think I am kidding...in the last 24 hours this has been my life
- Threw my back out - made emergency Chiropractic appointment
- While on the way to the appointment with Third Child in tow various lights (parking brake, ABS, battery, etc...) begin going on and off - this is the same minivan we spent $1200 (yes $1200) on last week - we brush it off as a loose wire and say "Oh we'll take it in tomorrow and get it looked at...
- Finish appointment go to car - won't start
- Find sketchy looking dude in parking lot to give us a jump
- Make plans...Third child drops me off at home for me to get 2nd car - pick up the girls and meet him at Goodyear to dump the van...WE WILL NOT TURN OFF THE CAR
- Realize plan won't work when car makes weird noise and ups and dies while sitting at a red light
- Realize that 3 Sheriff officers conversing in the parking lot of the 7-11 across the street could give a flying fig about us and get in their cars and drive off in different directions
- Call Insurance company because we have towing through them...explain to the lady FOUR times I do not live in PA...(apparently she got me confused with her previous call)
- Find out we have nice neighbors when one of them stops to help Third child move car to side of the road while wifey drives me to my house (While TC was waiting for the tow truck 4 other neighbors stop to see if he needs help...I LOVE my neighbors)
- Get to daycare to find them feeding my children dinner (Got to love the hospitality of those Southern Baptists)
- Go to Goodyear to pick up Third Child after he has been deposited there by the tow truck driver...
- Get home to find a nice letter from the IRS stating we OWE $3300...apparently of allllll the things I could have screwed up on my taxes I somehow typed in BOTH of the girls SS # wrong...call and amazingly talk to a very nice man who gets everything straightened out (or at least I hope so...) - but we know know how much our children are really worth to us in the eyes of the federal govenment - $3300....
- Go to slather Biofreeze on my back only to find the power of it has somewhat dissipated and all I am left with is a gooey substance on my back....
- Toss and turn all night trying to find a position where I feel comfortable and it doesn't feel like 101 gnomes are stabbing me in the back with tiny pitchforks
- Get a call from the school nurse who informs me that TW has somehow fallen on a game box and "hurt her privates" and upon looking in her underwear spots some blood...tell nurse it is ok if she takes a closer look and talk to TW on the phone and tell her it is OK for the nurse to touch her privates....
All of this since 11am yesterday morning....
OK be on the lookout - I am going to try my best to blog at least 3 x's per week... so the 4 of you that read my blog will have something to look forward too...
Monday, April 30, 2007
Chaos....
yep imagine that chaos in the house of chaos...
I will resume writing shortly...but suffice it to say after
I will resume writing shortly...but suffice it to say after
- an all day regional conference (which ROCKED)
- a birthday party for TWO 6 year olds that included, but was not limited to, 28 OTHER 6 year olds
- guest coaching a Kindergarten Jesus League Soccer Practice - let's just say there were a lot of "Oh God" battered about and not in the form of prayer...NEVER, EVER again will I attempt to be a coach where the main goal is to herd at least FIVE 6 year olds towards a common goal...I would rather castrate donkeys...lot less frustration...
- Playing single mom for 3 days while hubby had to go to Orlando for work (yeah Third Child tell me again how bad it was to HAVE to go to Citywalk and HAVE to have a beer or two and HAVE to dance like the white boy you are....)
- attending a Multiple Moms convention (OK this was awesome...the highlight of the trip - spending an hour in a Barnes and Noble...walking around and just browsing....)
- gearing up to play single mom again for 7 days...while Third Child goes and walks around the plains of Kansas with his brothers looking for turkeys...
I am TIRED....so right now I am taking a short little break from writing...so the three of you that read my little blog will have to wait...
In the meantime - take a look HERE - there really is a website for anything....
Friday, April 13, 2007
Glorious Gassies
Honestly I don’t know what is wrong with Third Childs digestive system lately…as men get older do they just leak more???
The other night after a particularly bad gas leak I stumbled across an idea…
Glorious Gassies
Basically a pair of boxer shorts with a pocket in the ass area…simply insert one the patented Glorious Gassies pads into the pocket and behold the power of human wind to make your house smell GLORIOUS…. {My original name for them was going to be Potpourri Panties – but DH said real men would never wear “Panties”)
How does it work you might ask…well the secret is in the specially designed pad insert.
One side has a charcoal lining to absorb any foul odors…the other side is lined with beautiful smelling scents…
As a MAN “blows wind” the foul odor is trapped by the Charcoal lining and the sheer fart power allows the scent on the outside to blow freely…
Yes Virginia there can be such a thing as Rose scented farts….
Much like Tampons I am thinking there will have to be different sized pads…light, medium and “Holy Mother of God you ate 3 cans of Hormel Chili”
I am happily accepting investment backers….
Updated to add:
Well crap someone beat me to it - looky HERE
The other night after a particularly bad gas leak I stumbled across an idea…
Glorious Gassies
Basically a pair of boxer shorts with a pocket in the ass area…simply insert one the patented Glorious Gassies pads into the pocket and behold the power of human wind to make your house smell GLORIOUS…. {My original name for them was going to be Potpourri Panties – but DH said real men would never wear “Panties”)
How does it work you might ask…well the secret is in the specially designed pad insert.
One side has a charcoal lining to absorb any foul odors…the other side is lined with beautiful smelling scents…
As a MAN “blows wind” the foul odor is trapped by the Charcoal lining and the sheer fart power allows the scent on the outside to blow freely…
Yes Virginia there can be such a thing as Rose scented farts….
Much like Tampons I am thinking there will have to be different sized pads…light, medium and “Holy Mother of God you ate 3 cans of Hormel Chili”
I am happily accepting investment backers….
Updated to add:
Well crap someone beat me to it - looky HERE
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Don't be a Jesus Hater'
On Sunday Third Child did a chore he has been meaning to do for oh about a year now…
Hang a cross in the girls roomThe cross we had is made of dark wood with the requisite Jesus on it – you know the reminder that he died for our sins…
Well he put it up without asking me and it went right smack in the middle of their wall between their beds…I was more than a little perturbed that he smacked a hole right in the middle of my beautiful wallpapered wall – but I got over it (well not really…)
Hang a cross in the girls roomThe cross we had is made of dark wood with the requisite Jesus on it – you know the reminder that he died for our sins…
Well he put it up without asking me and it went right smack in the middle of their wall between their beds…I was more than a little perturbed that he smacked a hole right in the middle of my beautiful wallpapered wall – but I got over it (well not really…)
So on Sunday night we go walking into the girls room getting ready for bed…TW was already in bed while PWG and I were walking into their room and the conversation went something like this
PWG : I don’t want Jesus in my room
ME: Well you have to talk with Daddy about that
PWG: DAAAAAADDDDDDY – can you get rid of Jesus?
PWG: I just don’t (at this point I had my fingers behind her head like horns while mouthing “She’s the offspring of the Devil” – mean I know…but appropriate for the situation)
TC: Well give me a reason.
PWG: It doesn’t go with the colors of my room.
ME: Maybe we can get a Pink one? (or maybe even a rainbow one…there has to be a Lesbians for Jesus Web store right….I mean the ‘net has everything)
PWG: Nooooooo I don’t want Jesus…
TW: (piping up from her bed) I want Jesus….PWG he Died for us… (about a 10 second delay) Well he died for three days….but still he died for US
At this point both TC and I lost it…almost peeing our pants lost it….
ME: Ok what about if we move the cross to TW side and we can get you a picture of Mary
PWG: I don’t want Jesus in the picture
ME: I don’t know about that most of the pictures I’ve seen have Mary and Baby Jesus
PWG: NO, No baby Jesus, no cross Jesus, no Jesus, just Mary
TW: (piping up again) JESUS PWG don’t be a Jesus hater
A perfect conversation on a perfect Easter evening…
Such is life…never boring
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