I feel so dirty....

So last night I went to a bra fitting event at our local Nordstroms with a group I belong to.

It was well ummm an interesting experience…

First they had one of their stylists come and tell our group of about 15 women (all of whom have either twins or triplets) about this season latest fashion “trends”…

I am so hoping these particular trends don’t stay around long because they are scary…

Let me highlight a few

Patent Leather…yes patent leather shoes in a myrid of colors….great if you are in the 8-12 year old set but considering I am considerably older not really my cup of tea.

Puffed sleeves…ACK…throw in some plaid and you will have all the shirts I wore in the 2nd grade…bonus points for adding in a lace collar

Clutches – I did ask how as mothers we would hold the clutches and our 2+ children and I lamented on the fact that they didn’t seem to have any pockets to hold a sippy cup nor a bag of goldfish crackers…the stylist informed us that clutches were great for when we went out for dinner…that got a big chuckle…somehow I think if I walked into Red Robin with a beaded clutch that would be a little overkill

Jackets with ¾ sleeves – now don’t get me wrong being as I have the arms of a T-rex I enjoy the ¾ sleeves style on shirts…but jackets…really you are giving me less fabric and charging me more money?

Peep-toe shoes – WITH hose…ummm I am not a toe lover…and I really don’t want to look down and see someone with peep-toe shoes with their toes stuck in a lycra prison all mashed together…and you know someone is going to take it a step further and wear some sort of reinforced granny stocking with their peep-toes and then play it off by saying “it’s the TREND”

Knits…knits and more freakin’ knits…my ass looks like two ripe cantaloupes…knits are NOT my friend people…

I did like the fact that the “in colors’ are Gray and Raspberry/Cranberry as I personally love Gray…now that is the one “trend” that can stick around

And on to the bra fitting…since there were about 15 of us and only about 4 “fitters” I had to wait my turn so a friend and I scouted out what Nordstrom’s had to offer…

We came across these…which will now be forever known in my mind as either the “Pica-cu Peek-a-boos” or the “Va-jay-jay Voyeurs” – I haven't decided which name I like better. Obviously with all those ruffles they are meant for one thing only – to proudly envelope and display your muff in a see through mesh served with a garnish of ruffles.

I did enjoy these panties from Juicy Couture… the problem I have with them is the writing is on the back - I don’t know about you – but if I am going to cover some part of my body with the words “Eat Candy” my ass would not be the first place I choose to put it…now Juicy slap that saying on the front and I would buy them – just for the shear laughs it would get in the bedroom…

Then it was time for my bra fitting…went back with a very nice gal…got naked from the waist up…she looked and measured and then told me my size…which was the same size I have been wearing all along…I felt so dirty…I gave this other woman a glimpse of the girls for basically nothing… When I told TC this his only response was “Was she hot?” - Typical

And since I was there I felt I HAD to buy something…you know like when you are invited to a home party and the hostess says “Oh just come and hang out you don’t have to buy anything” – yeah right…if you go you are buying something…

So I scouted about…skirting past the $110 bras…and found the I-Bra …so $53 later my evening was complete…

Yes $53 for a bra…that is the MOST I have ever spent on any sort of undergarment that only myself, my husband and MAYBE Emergency Medical Personnel might see – but I have to say…it is damned comfortable and the girls are snuggled up like two newborn puppies....

so slacky

yes I know I am sooooo slacky - I didn't write all weekend...

oh well - I did promise to TRY to do my best...

but because of my laziness someone is going to win...

so stay tuned to this blog to see what I have up my sleeve

Truely. Seriously. Disgusting

So I was looking around the web for a hunting gag gift for my hubby...and came across this little gem -Liquid Ass

Even better you get your choice of nozzles - a streaming tip or a mister top.


According to the website:


Liquid ASS is a highly–concentrated, butt–crack smell with hints of green poo, fart, and dead animal.

it goes on to say

Lighten up any birthday, Christmas, or retirement party with the gift of ASS.

Somehow I don't think any party I attend will be lightened up by something that smells like my grandpa after a visit to Bob's House O' Beans...

Thursday Shout-out

I don't have much time today....

so I am going to give a Shout-out to my dear friend Gretchen over at Banana & Toddlers ...because she truely understands and assists me with my love of all things gnomey

Looking for a unique and handmade gift for a loved one this holiday season - look no further then her wonderful Etsy shop - Gretchen Crafts

and while you are over at Etsy check out Aimee's wonderful photographs at Greeblemonkey

The Insanity never ends

Ummm ok – my kids are going to make me go insane…I AM going to wind up like my mother and my grandmother …

So this morning TW hops out of bed and gets dressed…I tell her “Go down and give Murphy (the dog) some food”…so away she goes…

Meanwhile PWG is sitting on the toilet…trying to decide between 2 pairs of underwear.

Have I mentioned at this point we are 10 minutes behind our usual morning scheduale.

So I have to say “please PWG – just pick a pair of underwear” to which I am told “It’s a delicate decision” – really a delicate decision? And what 6 year old talks like that…”delicate decision”

From downstairs I hear and anguished cry….so I fly down the stairs to see TW with tears rolling down her face…whatever could be the matter….through her tears I get this

TW: Murphy already has food.
ME: Well just give her some more
TW: NOOOOOOOOO then she will have too much
ME: Fine than don’t feed her
TW: But I WANT to feed her
ME: Do you want me to dump all the food in the bag? Hold On “PWG – please stop dancing around in your underwear with the cat and get dressed”
TW: NOOOOOOO

Ok – then there was a whole meltdown conversation about what color socks TW should wear this morning…

We are now 15 minutes behind schedule…

PWG comes down dressed and goes out to the garage…meanwhile TW is having another meltdown because I am not helping her get her socks and shoes on…never mind had I OFFERED to help her I would have been on the receiving end of a “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” melt down…you know damned if you do damned if you don’t…

So I helping TW get her socks and shoes on when I hear banging…PWG had managed to lock herself out of the house in the garage…

ME: Hold on PWG
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: I SAID Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: For the love of all that is good and holy…{mutter some choice words under my breath}

At this point PWG gave up and crawled through the doggy door…

And then….this occurred

PWG: Murphy doesn’t have any food.
TW: Yes she does.
PWG: No she doesn’t.
TW: PWG did you put Murphy’s food back in the bag?
PWG: Yes so you could feed Murphy this morning like you wanted to. {bless her little heart}
TW: {cue tears} But I was getting used to the idea that she had food….now I HAVE to feed her.

SERIOUSLY

I. AM. GOING. INSANE.

So 20 minutes late and 3 notches more insane I finally made it out of my house this morning…

What I am thankful for today: I am thankful that PWG shows such love to her sister.

SQUIRTMAN - Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Apparently one good thing about having kids and being forced to watch hands with eyes or a bunch of grown men "wiggling" around is that you miss a whole period of time...

I was looking for something else on Youtube and came across a bunch of videos dubbed "Peanut Butter Jelly"

Apparently it is a song that has a dance to it ala...the electric slide but not so "groupy"

I am glad I "missed the boat"... although it does seem like a lot of people landed squarely on it and recorded it for, well...Posterity? I am a little confused with some of the videos where people are dressed up as bananas while doing the PBJ dance?

But I do have to say watching this particular video makes me realize just how happy I am to be married if this is what is available in the single scene...

Three Little Words

I had to say the three little words every wife hates to utter…but every husband loves to hear….

YOU. WERE. RIGHT.

I think certain men take wonderful glee when their wives admit that they are right…because it happens so infrequently…

Now that is not to say that wives are right all the time…it’s just that most men tread very carefully about whether or not to pursue a “I’m Right” argument…cause they like sex too much…

But every once in a while us women do back down and admit that we are wrong or perhaps…we have come upon one of those 2% of situations where our husbands are actually …well, Right.

How did this come about…well, see I grew up in a “county” type area where there was really no crime. For awhile when I was younger my mother “hid” our spare key on a hook next to the door…let me repeat this – ON A HOOK. NEXT TO THE DOOR. – yes I really don’t understand why you would bother to lock your door, but nonetheless – later on she hid it in one of those “realistic” looking rocks…oh what a beautiful flowerbed with one lonely rock right in the middle…Clever, no…

Anyway TC grew up with everything having to be locked behind him…

So we have this on-going argument because I “forget” to lock the car that resides in the driveway…a quirk of my upbringing. He always gets after me because I fail to lock the door…My response is usually “We live in a nice neighborhood - nobody’s going to break into our car”

WELLLL….on Friday evening we turn on the news – at first I am not paying attention to it until I look up and what do I spy….MY HOUSE….ON TV – WTF – why is my house on TV….so I am straining to hear what the newscaster is saying while PWG and TW are jumping around shouting “our house is on TV…our house is on TV”…turns out there has been a rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood and a few other subdivisions…since we reside on a main intersection with the big neighborhood sign in the corner of our yard they filmed footage of our house to go along with the story…

We later learned from some neighbors that the cars weren’t “broken” into …but rather the cars were left unlocked in the driveways and somebody helped themselves items in the car….so upon learning that I uttered those three little words….

YOU WERE RIGHT

Sunday morning....

man this posting every day is going to be hard...

but let's see thanks to NaBloPoMo I have a topic - THANKFUL

so what am I thankful for...

1 - I am thankful that both TC and I have good stable jobs that allow us not to have to sweat about how we are going to pay our bills and we don't have to decide what is more important - food or electricity...for this we are truely blessed. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for....please make a donation to your local food bank...not just during the holidays...but 6 months from now as well

2 - I am thankful that we were able to have children so easily, when I know others cannot...and I am thankful that even though my daughters were preemies they sailed right through NICU without any major problems and continue to this day to be healthy. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for...think about making a donation to St. Judes or Childrens Miracle Network

3 - I am thankful that I have such great friends...both IRL and my PIMS. Be sure to give your friends a shout-out this week and let them know how much they mean to you

Saturday Morning Quickie

one of my favorite jokes of all time...before you say it - Yes i know I am so Childish :)

Q: What is red and has seven dents?

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A. Snow Whites Cherry.... (ba dum dum)

looky what I did...

all by myself too.....look at the beautiful header!!!!!

Not bad for knowing nothing and just playing around...oh the possibilities now....

I see gnomes....sweet, sweet gnomes in my future....

Bloggin- Day 2

Cause I joined NaBloPoMo it is requiring me to write everyday...

I've gotta tell you people ...just like sex - some days it ain't going to pretty, some days it ain't going to be long, some days it's going to be downright messy...but some days, some days...it will be very sweet and if I dare say...orgasmic (in a funny ha ha..BTDT way)

today I'm just going to Wham Bam Thank You Maam'

I give you

PantyWad Girl posing as a Witch....

and

Toothless Wonder as a beautiful Butterfly...

Holy Crap...

I freakin did it - I wrote HTML code...see that new little thing above my MILF badge (which thankfully hasn't been taken away...I'm on a little MILF break right now...a little diet intolerance...but come the holidays I am going to be trying the Wii diet...so I'll be back in MILF form) that is my NaBloPoMo badge...which they didn't give me something nice to just paste it - I had to figure out how to write the HTML code...

go me...go me...do the cabbage patch..do the running man...do the lawn sprinkler....

ok - I am all signed up and ready to go...

Go WHERE???

well I took Aimee's invitation and joined NaBloPoMo

Huh - what the?

NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month

So for the ENTIRE month of November I am going to try and do my best to post every day...

Note DO MY BEST is in bold...cause I can try...but I may not succeed...

do you see that above you...

Yes that is my pathetic attempt at attempting to make a blog header...

in all actuality for someone who has never ever taken a computer class in her life it isn't half bad...

1.5 stars out of 10???

so here is the thing oh great readers of mine...

Anyone want to make me a Blog Header?

...pretty much anything goes besides pictures of certain body parts and bodily fluids (I know I am taking all the fun out of it...)

Leave a message that you have one for me and I will contact you...cause anyone who tries gets a prize :)

Wacky Wednesday...

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN

that's all I got...

no really....

oh ok - so you want to hear some jokes...

Q: Why can't ghosts have babies
A: Cause they have Halloweenies

get it...Hallow Weenies....

here is a better one for all of you that are groaning right now

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Enjoy...I already have my nice beverages chillin' for my walk around the 'hood tonight...I'll be hanging with a Witch and a Butterfly

If you can't find me look under the pile of magazines...

So TC and I are pretty avid readers….ummm Ok I am a pretty avid reader. I am one of THOSE people that always needs something…I need a magazine, a book, the radio or the TV on…I NEED distraction of some sort…

So to begin with we had a few magazine subscriptions each…some because they are our holy grail of magazines (ummm…People)…some because they come with someone’s NRA membership (ummm American Rifleman) and mainly ordering them when a nice special came our way.

Until recently we had a small stream of magazines coming our way

People
American Rifleman
Family Fun
Good Housekeeping
Richmond Magazine (local)
Maxim
Playboy (hey they do have good articles…if you can get past the T&A)
Deer Hunter (something like that…has pictures of dead animals on the cover)

THEN….

See TC had some “points” on his AMEX credit card…they were getting ready to expire but he didn’t have enough for something good – like a $25 gift card to Chili’s – so they offered us magazine subscriptions in exchange for points…after slogging through the multitude of nursing magazines they offered (WTF is up with that…how many nursing magazines are there…LPN, Nursing, American Journal of Nursing, Men in Nursing, etc…) and finding that they don’t really offer any of the magazines that I would enjoy (In Style, Glamour, TV Guide) we just started circling….

And the magazines have started arriving…

So far…

Conde Nast Traveler
Money
Cigar Aficianado
Details
Wired

TC swears we circled AT LEAST 7 to 8 magazines…so who knows how many more will arrive on our doorstep….

So we are up to at least 13 magazines per month…with how many more on the horizon???

Add in the 4-8 catalogs from various mail order companies that we receive in a weeks time…

Pretty soon we should be able to build a nice addition…built entirely of magazines…that is if the stacks don’t crush us first….

Really....Bananas?

So I totally forgot about this incident until I was reminded about it by a friend this weekend…see I had told my friend this story and she made me tell it to another friend…

So I figured I would share it with the rest of you…

So the scene is Back to School night…being that I had already had a conference with TW teacher the first week of school I sent TC to her class while I attended PWG class.

PWG teacher zipped through the program…and we made our way to TW class – where TC was sitting there...sort of dumbfounded…

Turns out there was a conversation about snacks and it went something along the lines of this – a brief synopsis…(*note it was conferred to me by TC so things may not be totally accurate)

Teacher: Parents please remember to send in healthy snacks for your kids. Once one child has a Cookie the rest want them too.

Mom 1: Yes we should all be sending in good vegetables and fruit – like bananas

Mom 2: Ummm…have you seen a banana after it has been in a backpack all day?

Mom 1: Well then Broccoli…

Mom 3: You can get your kid to eat Broccoli?

Mom 1: Well something healthful..

Mom 2: But not a banana

Apparently the conversation about snacks and various types of fruits and vegetables went on for awhile – TC was amazed that women could talk so long and feverishly about vegetables for snacks

In the walk home TC stated that the Mom 2 had a point…Bananas weren’t easily portable in a 1st grade backpack…the squish factor was just to high. I said I was sure they made a banana container…

So the next day at work I was relaying the conversation to a co-worker while we searched the Google Mecca (seriously how did I ever live without Google) for Banana Keepers…however upon discussing while searching this is what came out of my mouth…

I don’t understand how you can have something universal though because they come in all shapes and sizes – I mean you have your big ones and your little ones, ones that are long and skinny and ones that are short and girthy – then the curvature of them…some are really curved while some are straight…

At this point my co-worker had lost it…totally lost it…it took me a minute to realize what had just come out of my mouth…Thank goodness none of our other co-workers were around…cause somehow I don’t thing they would truly believe we were talking about bananas…

The google search paid off…oh sweet mother did it pay off…

Let me ask – would you send your kid to school with this…

Because...ummmm.....welllll

Let's just say the inventor could probably make a killing if he renamed it the "Perky Pecker" and advertised it as the "organic alternative to Viagra"

If you would like to buy one for your "banana" {wink, wink} you can do so right here Banana Bunker

Now let me say the Banana Bunker isn't the only way to keep your banana safe...there is also the

Banana Guard

and the

Banana Saver (with popsicle slot)

I think I'll just have my kids stick to Fruit Stackers...

FRIDAY FUN DAY....

cause it is Friday afternoon - I am sure everyone just wants to goof off...so here are some sites to help you goof off...

Brain Bashers

Deal or No Deal

Bejeweled

and I found out my mom has been secretly posting on the internet...either that or someone elses Childhood was as screwed up as mine

Easy Barbie Clothes

Note the last line...I wanted the fancy ball gown - instead I get a pair of knitted pants - with one leg shorter than the other ("Just pull the short one to make it longer" per my mother) and a matching knitted poncho...

I also didn't get real "JAMS" no I had to have homemade knock-off JAMS (only those over 30 will understand what the hell I am talking about)...thankfully she drew the line at Homemade parachute pants

Things I wonder about...

On the childrens show Arthur...who decides which animals get to talk? I mean I am pretty sure some of the characters are dogs...but yet Arthur has a dog for a pet? Much along the lines of - Why does Goofy get to talk and walk upright but all Pluto can do is bark and walk like well...a dog.

In the Randy Travis song "Three Wooden Crosses" there is a Hooker, a Farmer, a Teacher and a Preacher on a bus bound for Mexico....a stop sign is missed and he sings of THREE wooden crosses....by the end of the song you find out that the Hooker survives...but what happened to the bus driver? Did the bus driver survive? Was he killed? Should the song really be FOUR Wooden crosses?

Why is it TC whose snores like a Lion with a head cold always manages to fall asleep before I do?

Quote of the day: I I've learned that artificial intelligance is no match for natural stupidity

It's not trash...

So yesterday I got home from work late...I managed to have 3 minutes alone in my house before TC, PWG and TW came bursting through the door from religious ed.

Then I was introduced to "Casey"...

Some kids have imaginary friends...my kid builds a "robot" out of discarded food boxes.

I'll have to admit he was pretty sweet...especially since his main body was a Fruit snackers box...but apparently much like Cherry Darling Casey can kick some ass with his Winchester rifle shell box arm...

This morning as I was gently telling (ha ha ha) my kiddos to get in the car - PWG told me I had to wait because "Casey" had to go to his school...flung on all the lights in the front room and propped him up next to Dancing Elmo (who I now refer to as Stroke victim Elmo being that his battery is slowly running out...his dancing moves are pretty jerky and you can't understand all the words)

ME: PWG please turn off the lights
PWG: Then Casey can't see
ME: Didn't you build him with see in the dark vision
PWG: Yes I did - thanks for remindin' me momma

and the lights go off...

QOTD: Just remember if the world didn't suck we would all fall off

Just another RANDOM Monday....

Another tag….

Wow I guess I do have a few friends in this world…

So Buildermama tagged me to tell you 7 random things about me:

• I used to do temp work…I have worked at two different temp agencies and have worked for among other companies - HUD, Circuit City, Capitol One and EDS. My most interesting one was working as a receptionist for an “age-restricted” apartment community, where I could be assured if an ambulance entered the front of the complex within 10 minutes I would field at least 2 dozen calls from residents wanting to know who died and if a ground floor apartment had become available.

• Twins do run in my family and I did warn Third Child of this fact before we got married…so he was warned. In my generation of women 3 of us have children…2 of us have sets of twins…you do the math – I can’t wait for my sister to have her set of twins

• I am addicted to Coconut Snows…don’t know what snows are? It is basically finely shaved ice with flavoring…I count down the days when our local “Snow Shack” opens…and then trick my children into thinking they are getting a treat when we stop by the Snow Shack – when in fact we stop because I jones for a damn Coconut snow. Oh and Chai Tea – I love Chai Tea….ummmmm
  

• My engagement ring is a simple blue topaz…TC told me he couldn’t ask me to marry him until he could afford a diamond…well if that were the case I would still be waiting…so I told him not to worry that there were plenty of diamonds in my family and I didn’t need a diamond…hence the blue topaz. However my grandmother didn’t like that and gave TC a wedding set my grandfather had specially made for her after she lost her original engagement ring – one with 20 diamonds set in platinum with a matching wedding band with 12 diamonds…I get loads of compliments on it…
  

• I weigh less now then I did my junior year of high school - not a whole lot less...but less nonetheless - However I weigh about 25 lbs more than I did when I entered (and left) college.
  

• My first real “make-out” session was with the boy next door…

• I love quotes….seriously love quotes – I hear something and have to write it down – I have small scraps of paper all over the place with quotes written on them…in a box at home…tacked to my bulletin board at work....shoved in the bottom of my purse

So now I am tagging other people – hummmm – many of my PIM’s that blog have already been tagged so I’ll just tag one for now….but if anyone else would like to play along by all means go for it…

So Jimmi - tag you are it :)

What a lot of anger at a boy and alcohol can do…

Yesterday I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with TC…I am sure some of you are wondering how we met…

I was but a mere freshman in college and I had gone to a mixer between my sorority and a fraternity…That night I was VERY pissed off – you see because most guys are A-holes – I had been seeing a boy on and off for a few months when we first met he told me he had a girlfriend and I told him I wasn’t into relationship wrecking so I told him we could be “friends” – so about 3 weeks of being a “friends” he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend so we then turned our relationship up a notch…{Note to you single gals – think twice before becoming involved with someone nicknamed “Spanky”} after 3 weeks I learn that he hadn’t broken it off with his girlfriend and had decided to transfer to be with her so I was NOT in a good mood, in fact I was Hella-pissed

Because I was not in a good mood I decided to imbibe some alcohol to “soothe my nerves” – I drank enough to be considered oh drunk but not to far gone as to swallow goldfish, like some of my other sorority sisters…

After the mixer a FRAT BOY took a bunch of us to another party – my sorority sisters were very drunk and singing “I want to be a cowgirl” at the top of their lungs – I was a bit tipsy but no where near as far gone as they were so I moved to the front of the pack and said to the FRAT BOY I don’t want to be associated with them…on to the party, the FRAT BOY and I started talking and then we started dancing and then we started kissing and then the cops showed up so we all dispersed…

FRAT BOY invited me back to his room and well…..(don’t judge – it was the first time I had done anything like that so quickly…) well the next morning I went home and FRAT BOY came by to visit a few times during that week but I wasn’t really interested since I basically just wanted to ‘use’ him and toss him aside since that is the way I felt the A-HOLE guy I dumped did to me…Anyway the next weekend I met a boy who I ended up dating for a year…

Fast forward to my junior year – I had broken up with my boyfriend that summer and was raring to have fun and party away…well FRAT BOY had spent the previous semester in Army reserve training and he saw me from across the campus and came over to talk with me…I was nice and talked to him for a little while – well over the next 2 weeks I noticed where ever I was he seemed to be there (small campus) too….

Well I ended up going to one of his fraternity parties about 3 weeks into the semester looking for some friends of mine – the friends weren’t there but he saw me and offered me a beer so I said OK (cause really what college co-ed is going to turn down free beer) but I had to go to the bar to see if my friends were there so he walked me to the bar – my friends were there but thought I had come with FRAT BOY so they left without me…

so FRAT BOY said he would walk me home, when we are almost to my house he asks if I want to come to his place – OH I WENT OFF ON HIM – I accused him if stalking me and said the only reason he wanted me to come back to his place was for ‘some action’ and that I might have been stupid once but I have wised up….well he took offense and said he really liked me and just wanted to talk more and get to know me (gee, since we didn’t really do that the first time around)….so I went back to his place and talked all night long…we have been together ever since….and oh it took a loooooooooooooooooooooong while before he saw ‘action’ a second-time round….

As far as my daughters will know – we met at some very nice, no alcohol allowed party at college and were chaperoned on every date until our wedding night :)

For our 10th anniversary we went to out to see a great comedian – Robert Schimmel Who during his act had a bit about Merkins…oh sweat mother of Merkin…there are some strange strange jobs out there…

What do you do for a living?

Oh I make Beaver Covers…

Now if there were to make them out of say…fruit roll-ups then I could sort of see the value of them…cause for your partner they could have a tasty little snack while making you well….


P.S. - it doesn't matter if I am 33 years old...it doesn't matter if I have 2 kids...it doesn't matter if it is MY house....it doesn't matter if I am tipsy - I am still not doing the deed with my mother in the next room....

1st grade is confounding me...

so the girls are in 1st grade and so far it has been quite an education for me...and let me preface this with the fact that I have a BS and a MS.

two weeks ago they were talking about Ordinals...

huh...what Ordinals???...so I had to have THEM - yes THEM - 6 year old 1st graders explain what an Ordinal was...once they explained it I knew exactly what they were just didn't remember the "offical" name for them...

How many of you are going to go and google ordinals now because you don't know what I am talking about?

They have been working on knowing the different "types" of species - Mammal, Reptile, Amphibians, ect...now let me tell you my BS is a degree in Biology - where I had to take courses dealing with Zoology...I will soon show you how much that Degree has come in handy (*note the sarcasm)

So yesterday while up on a mountaintop picking apples PWG and TW started talking about how differnt animals have babies...the conversation started because TC warned them about stepping in a Groundhog hole (which BTW was as big as my children...I would hate to see the size of the groundhog that dug that hole)...so they started talking about how a groundhog is a mammal and they have babies that are born alive...(Luckly they haven't asked HOW those babies get out considering I have told them a Dr. cut me open to get them out and they have seen one of those "I'm having a Baby shows" that featured a C-section...which I told them to look at the TV to re-iterate what i had told them...I am sure that little incidence will be brought up many years from now when they are in theraphy...)...

Anyway the conversation about groundhogs lead to how other things have babies

Fish - lay eggs = CHECK
Frogs - Lay eggs = CHECK
Badgers - have live babies = CHECK (Yes PWG brought up Badgers?? what a random animal)
Mermaids - have live babies = CHECK (I didn't have the heart to tell TW that mermaids aren't real)
Mommies - have live babies = CHECK

then the question...the question that left both TC and I dumbfounded???

Where do snails come from?

ummm - hummmm - wellllll

TC and I looked at one another and I guessed that they lay eggs but that I wasn't sure...

Then TW asked

Where do their shells come from?

Hummm - ummmmm

All I have to say is THANK GOD for Google....

Everything you wanted to know about SNAILS...hermaphroditism and all

The new TV shows

yes this is going to be a post all about ME and what I like...



so the topic today is NEW TV shows...



I love TV...so much so I always have to have it on - even if I am not watching it - I am one of those people who has to have some sort of noise/stimulation going on all around me...maybe this is why I did so well living in a 1200 square foot house with 8 other women for 3 years of my college life...



Anyway thanks to my DVR I am able to sample far more TV shows this TV season - in past I had to make decisions on what I watched based on if the time it came on TV was a good time for me...with 6 year olds pretty much anything that came on at 8pm was out for me...except Dancing with the Stars which my girls love...



So here is my list of new shows I am watching



REAPER - Tuesdays @ 9pm on the CW - LOVE this show - funny and endearing - it is one of those shows that leave you satisfied when you are done watching it and I can't wait for the next week so I can see a new episode



DIRTY SEXY MONEY - Weds @ 9pm on ABC - I like this - a little intrigue, a little comedy, a little drama - on the whole a very satisfying show



CHUCK - Mondays @ 8pm on NBC - this is a show that comes on at 8pm so it gets DVR'd to watch later - so far the first two episodes have been OK...not terrific but they are trying to "set the stage" but in reading reviews I have read that the third show really steps it up a notch - that show is on my DVR - now to find time to watch it



Third Child on the other hand has totally different viewing habits than I and he has been watching



Bionic Woman



Life



There are a few that haven't Premired yet and I am looking forward to seeing them - so I might be back



I am sure you are saying to yourselves...this can't be all you watch...nope - I also can't miss the following



How I Met Your Mother - absolutely one of the funniest comedies on the air

Dancing with the Stars - a great Family show to watch all together

Funniest Home Videos - ditto

Grey's Anatomy

HEROS

Law & Order SVU

Las Vegas - delicious

The Office

Desperate Housewives - just frothy no brainer fun



and of course I can't wait for NIP/TUCK to return....that is one of the few shows both TC and I both love and we must watch together :)



TC can't miss Ugly Betty...I have yet to see a full show because it is on at 8pm...I know you are saying to yourself...but I thought you said you had toruble watching shows at 8pm because of the girls...yes I DO...seems like the Vagina Beacon works at bedtime too - so while I am spending 15 minutes tucking TW and PWG girl into bed because "I want Momma to do it" TC is happily ensconced on the big chair watching Ugly Betty

A Senseo Sensation

I enjoy perusing peoples blogs…especially the crafty ones

While perusing my friend, Jimmi's blog (hi Jimmi) I came across a chance to complete a survey and possibly receive a Senseo Coffee maker

Now since she had done it and actually received the Senseo Coffee maker I figured I would give it a whirl…

I went HERE and filled out the survey

A few days later I got a confirmation e-mail in my box…followed the link – paid $15 to Sara Lee Corp. and a few days ago this showed up on my doorstep… (well mine is black)

HEAVEN…..

I pulled it out of the box, flushed the system and tried it out – YIPEE…..YAHOO

See come November I become a hunting Widow…I no longer get to sleep in on Sat and Sunday mornings and when I stumble down the stairs there is no fresh brewed coffee waiting for me…and a momma without coffee is not a happy momma…

And I know you are saying – just make a pot yourself…but nay there are but two things in this world I haven’t quite mastered in the kitchen…

• Brewing a pot of coffee
• Making pancakes (sad isn’t it…I follow the freaking directions and they still come out bad – either to thick or to thin…TC on the other hand makes them just right)

I have had my eye on one of these single serve coffee machines for awhile…but the price had turned me off being that I would just be using it for myself. But for $15….hey worth a try…

FAB-U-LOUS…..(ok when you read this word have it sound like a Gay Man in your head)

Decent cup of fast coffee = happy momma…

Now to work on Senseo to offer some more flavored coffee and maybe some Chai Tea pods…

We all have Issues....

I certainly have a lot of issues myself…but now that I am a mother I wonder how much of that was ingrained in me from my mother and how much was just my own natural ways of dealing with things…

I ask this because I do believe I have made PWG addicted to pantyliners.

She is 6 years old.

See it all started about a year ago…she wet her bed in the middle of the night for the first time in a long time…I guess the stress of worrying if she was going to wet the bed again caused her to develop Pollakiuria

She was going to the bathroom a few times an hour…one time on 10 minute “I know exactly what I need” trip to Target we visited the bathroom 3 times…her issues lasted about 3-4 months before finally waning.

But the offshoot of the Pollakiuria episode

DROPS

Yes drops of urine that happen in her panties…she can’t stand them and now has a habit of changing her underwear 2-3x’s a day because of “drops” – I have tried to explain to her that if she is afraid of a little moisture now – she was going to be a wreck once she has children but being 6 she doesn’t quite understand that.

Oh yes the pantyliners…

One day as I was dropping off TW and PWG off at before school care and PWG got this wild look in her eyes and hissed “DROPS”…and told me she needed a new pair of underwear…being that I was already late to work I told her to “deal” – apparently that didn’t cut it and a temper tantrum ensued…being that I am not MacGyver and can not create a new pair of panties out of a quarter and a Chiclet I did the next best thing…drug her into the bathroom and did the “folded toilet paper” trick and stuck it in her panties.

That was all fine and good until 2-3 days later and she came to me one evening and told me she had “drops” and wanted some toilet paper in her panties…I rolled my eyes and as I did they hit on my box of pantyliners…

Thus an addiction was born…

Now she doesn’t want them everyday…but I have a feeling next time I go to the warehouse store I will be buying that BIG-ASS box of 500 liners…

Any guesses as to how I will ruin my children next?

I shoulda' drank more in college

And oh yeah try those mushrooms I was offered one evening…

Cause I would probably be rich right now.

Having 6.5 year old twins I have seen more than my fair share of childrens programming in the last 6 years…

I am very thankful that I gave birth on the tail end of the “BARNEY” era…although I did wind up smack in “THE WIGGLES” generation…which after awhile your mind becomes numb to the music and you can’t help but hum “cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti”

There are some weird shows out there and some shows that leave you scratching your head – Like the Tellytubbies and their wacko cousins the Boobahs…

But the other day I saw a show where all I could do was slightly mouth to Third Child “what the F#$@”

And that show is OOBI…

If you haven’t seen it – let me fill you it – it is a bunch of people with eyeballs on their hands…yes eyeballs on their hands…occasionally other accessories pop up – wigs, capes, bows…but the basics are a hand and eyeballs…

All I can think is the creator was sitting around with his “bros” one evening high on something or other and staring at his hand….

“Dude wouldn’t it be cool if my hand had eyeballs?”

OOBI is born…and now has a show on Noggin…

I am seriously thinking about getting myself a pair of OOBI EYES…and dressing up for Halloween this year…humm I wonder if they have a little bottle of Valium or a bottle of Jack as accessories.

Monkeys and Tampons - Oh My

The other day Third Child and I were either watching some show or listening to something on the radio - I am not really sure as my days go by in a blur…

Anyhoo – the point of what we heard was about MONKEYS

And how monkeys can be trained to do certain things…

Open the fridge and bring you a drink
Get a book from a shelf
Help you with your shopping
Insert a feeding tube

Now I DID NOT make that last one up…they seriously talked about how a MONKEY can be trained to insert a feeding tube…and since TC heard the same thing I did I know it wasn’t a fanatical musing of my brain (Hey wouldn’t it be cool if Monkeys could insert feeding tubes)

My question is what would possess someone to allow a MONKEY to insert a feeding tube… if I was medical personal that received specialized training in inserting feeding tubes I would be dumbfounded…

“What inserting feeding tubes…what’s so hard about that…it’s so easy a monkey can do it….”

So lately every conversation Third Child and I have had I have been trying to sneak in Monkeys

“Gee I can’t quite reach the top shelf …if we had a monkey he could get that down for me”

{sitting on couch} “Gee I would really like a cold beverage but I don’t want to get up…if we had a monkey I wouldn’t have to get up”

Then we had a conversation that went something like this

ME: I think it would be cool to have a monkey – it could grow old with us and when we were feeble it could insert our feeding tubes
TC: You know Monkeys throw their shit…
ME: You have monkey wear a diaper.
TC: If you were so feeble to need a monkey to insert a feeding tube who the hell would change the monkeys diapers?
ME: hummm good question

Almost as stupid as our Turtle conversation.

I did try to find out more information at www.ask.com... I typed in “Monkeys inserting feeding tubes” into the search box and this is what I got

Narrow Your Search
Inserting Ivs
Inserting a Tampon
Girl Inserting a Tampon
Video of Women Inserting a Tampon
Inserting a Catheter
Insert a Tampon in My Daughter
Inserting Suppositories
Tampon Inserting Photographs
Tampon Inserting Stories

More »
Expand Your Search
Remove Feeding Tubes
Tube Feedings
Nasogastric Tubes
Vibrating Tampons

Now if someone can tell be what feeding tube inserting Monkeys have to do with tampons…I would be a strangely informed woman…

BTW I clicked on the last thing “Vibrating Tampons” and found THIS

from feeding tube inserting monkeys to vibrating tampons…

discuss amongst yourselves

ISO - Strap-on Vagina

Yeah I know I have been gone…been in a rut with the end of summer/beginning of school – I will try my best to give the few of you who do partake and choose to read my blog a glimpse into my life a bit more often…

Ok does anyone know where I might purchase a Strap-on Vagina…

Because I am thinking that my vagina is the beacon in our house…

The “beacon” you say?

Yes the beacon that somehow radiates to my children that I am the only one that can seem to do anything for them…(I also believe it puts out a weird vibe that causes freaky foreign guys to hit on me in bars…but that could just be my big-ass badonkadonk).

DH to TW : Let me brush your hair
TW: No I want Momma to do it

DH to PWG: Let me tuck you into bed
PWG: No I want Momma to do it

DH to TW and PWG : Let’s do your homework
TW & PWG: We want Momma to help us

I am thinking if I can get a strap-on one for DH it might make my life a little easier because then maybe he would have a vagina beacon that would radiate that he can in fact brush hair, tuck the kids in and can do 1st grade math with ease.


GLIMPSE INTO MY LIFE

So I am driving on some god-forsaken errand and glance in my rear-view mirror and see TW and PWG stretched between their carseats mouths open and tongues touching.

ME: Um girls what are you doing
PWG: We're french kissing

in 15 years at a college bar that trick is going to get them a lot of free drinks...

More of what Jenni Needs....

In order to attract the woman of her erotic dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.

Hummm the woman of my erotic dreams....somehow I don't think I am that Jenni

jenni (needs a drink and a vacation!!)

DAMN RIGHT!

If you feel that Jenni meets your needs, we can provide you with a test implementation of Jenni so that you can try out an ideas

Dude...what sort of needs need to be met...

Jenni needs to coordinate with Laura

maybe she is the woman of my erotic dreams?????

Jenni needs her toenails trimmed

Yeah- OK possibily

Jenni needs to go upstairs and change soon,

for the woman of my erotic dreams???

Jenni needs help from someone with MYOB experience

huh...MYOB?

Jenni needs coffee

of course...I don't need to be told this....

Jenni needs to get a life

gee thanks a lot....

Jenni needs to be there to liven it up and to be Miss Cheeky

does this go hand and hand with get a life...as far as being Miss Cheeky...there is a time and place for that...and that is called College....

Jenni needs applications

for what....are people applying to be the woman of my erotic dreams?

Jenni needs a video blog

not a wide lens big enough to fit my arse in the picture

jenni! you def. need to vamp up your page a little

Ok - don't be so antsy....

hey jenni! you need to update your shit. who else is going to entertain me!

Gotcha...I'll try and do better....


NOW - it is your turn...

• Go to Google
• Type in "your name" + "needs" (without " ")
• See what YOU need :)

Everyone Needs A Jenni !!!

So...I was playing the Google game of NEEDS...you know you type in your name + needs and see what comes up...and found this...

Apparently everyone needs one of ME :)

Which one of these things just doesn't belong...

Friday Night
11 p.m.
Me
Red-neck Bar
A Band named Monkeyfist
Mullets
Bad Dye Jobs
Hefty women in spandex


So on Friday I get a call from my friend Ro…she asks me what I am doing that evening…

Let’s see I am a mommy…so nothing…

She asks me if I want to go to a bar and see her husband’s band – Monkeyfist – play…

You see it was playing at a little place in my town called the Midway Lounge…don’t let the exciting name fool you…it is a honkey-tonk Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Bar…and not the cool kind you would find Toby Keith in…

I said sure why not…

I then had to call her back and tell her I didn’t have any stretch Gold Lame and didn’t know if I would fit it – she mentioned something about wearing her “fuck me” boots and then lamented on the fact it had been so long since she had worn them she wasn’t sure where they were and quite possibly the dog could have eaten them…

Anyway on Friday night we did end up at a bar called the Midway Lounge…where it cost us $10 cover…but the drinks were $1…I remarked that if my college bar had gone the same route I probably would have been very acquainted with the 12 steps by now…

When we got to the bar it was about 10pm and the band was between sets…this gave us ample time to take a look around…OMG….

Now I have been in some bars in my lifetime but this one was very interesting to say the least…

RO and I felt a little out of place being that neither of us has a mullet, bleach blonde hair or the smell of desperation surrounding us….

The mullets were running rampant…I guess these guys don’t know that even Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t have his mullet anymore (and I know this because my daughters have just discovered Hannah Montana and I have become reacquainted with Mr. Billy Ray).

And the bleach blondes – OMG – this morning one of my co-workers asked if the bleachies also included the bad frizzy perms…OF COURSE – complete with the half pulled back on-top-of-your-head scrunchie ponytail…whip that top pony around…

Of course you can’t have a Redneck bar without bar sluts…and you know they do come in two varieties…the really skinny ones with spandex tops and jeans that look to be painted on …and the really “fluffy” ones with the spandex tops and the jeans that look painted on…my eyes were assaulted by many a fashion disaster…

And then in the air was the smell of desperation…it was mainly coming from the table next to us that housed 1 couple and 3 to 4 homely looking 30 somethings….30 somethings that were in desperate need of some makeovers – now I know that I don’t always make the best fashion choices but I had to agree with Ro when she exclaimed “Damn I’m a hot chick up in this place” - then again with $1 drinks guess you don't have to look to good...them beer googles make everything look a little better...

Monkeyfist was very good – I enjoyed the music – lots of 90’s rock with a few current hits thrown in…so good music, $1 drinks (with a designated driver), spending some time with a good friend and discovering there is at least one bar in town where I look pretty damn good…- the evening was pretty good…

Hitting the Motherload

It all started last week…

On Tuesday night we walked into the house to a sound that I can only describe as 100 cicadas mating furiously in our living room…the noise was high pitch and deafening….

Third Child and I are looking and looking trying to pinpoint where the noise was coming from…finally we decided it must be coming from our TV or the cable box…

So we unplug everything and the noise stops…TC plugs the TV in and BAM…the noise is back…

Sniffle Sniffle the TV is dead…but inside I was rejoicing…our TV had been having “issues” so I had been researching HDTV’s…so I looked at TC and said “after dinner we go buy a new TV”

I knew exactly the one we wanted and off we went…first we went to Sears and talked with a very nice man about the TV we wanted to buy…but alas they didn’t have any in stock and it could take up to a week to get it…so we were forced to go to Circuit City…

I HATE Circuit City with a passion – the sales people are idiots…they fired all their good sale associates because they made to much money and hired teenagers who don’t even know the basics…heck read the friggin Circuit City website and acquire some knowledge on the things you freakin sell…the last time I went to CC was to purchase an MP3 player – so this couple and I are over looking at the MP3 players – at this point I am not an expert but I did do a little research about the various brands and models – Couple asks the sales associate a basic question…sales associate says “I dunno” – so I jump in and gave the couple a basic run down of MP3 players and the pros and cons of various models…all information I got from the friggin Circuit City website…after asking the sales associate a few more questions the couple and I looked at one another and I said “well I am heading over to Best Buy maybe they know something other than ‘I dunno’” – so couple and I trooped out of CC and across the street to Best Buy – where we both made purchases…

Anyway the particular TV I wanted Best Buy does not carry so I was stuck with Circuit City…so after Sears we go to Circuit City – and wait and wait and wait – TC and I are walking up and down the isle of the TV’s trying to make eye contact with the sales associates – twice we were told “Be with ya in a minute”…yeah – so 10 minutes later I finally troop over the checkout and ask if they had the particular TV I was looking for in stock because according to their website they did and I would like to purchase it…Apparently the cashiers had arrived to work on the short bus…because I got blank stares – so finally one poor person took pity on me and found me a sales associate – I made the purchase and away we went…

So we get home and realize that our new TV will not fit in our TV cabinet – cabinet 31” wide…TV 31.4 “ wide – so I look at TC and said “cut the MF’er down” – which he did and very nicely I might add the next day.

So Wed night TC and I unpack the TV and put it on our newly remodeled TV cabinet and then we get stuck – apparently our digital cable box is for old decrepit TV’s and we have a new HDTV and much like Cats and Dogs they aren’t going to mate…I finally succumb to plugging the cable right into the TV – at least we would get some basic TV for now…So DH and I are watching TV and we had the following conversation which will factor into this increasingly long story…

TV shows commercial of new Fall Show Journeyman

Me: - What a farce – it sounds like Quantum Leap

TC: But it is different than Quantum Leap

Me; Really - no shit (of course said sarcastically) – Quantum Leap was da’ bomb and Scott Backula was quite delicious – like a fluffy stud muffin.

TC: I am sure you can still see Quantum Leap – maybe it is on the Sci-Fi channel

Me: That would force me actually look for it – rather than it just being there. Ya know if they are redoing Bionic Woman they could redo Quantum Leap – I would be all over that.


So on Thursday I call our cable company and lo and behold they actually have an appointment time for 7am-9am the next morning to deliver and set up an HD box…Well sign me up – then the rep asks a question “Do you want DVR” – hummmmm DVR – “How much more a month would it be?” - $7….well go ahead and sign me up.

Friday morning the cable guy arrives (at 9am of course) and installs my new HD/DVR cable box…joy…

I don’t get a chance to play around with said DVR and cable box until Saturday night and even then I just read the directions on how to record a program – so I figured I would give it a whirl and find some Kim Possible episode at 12:30am to record (for the kiddos)

Sunday morning said kiddos are driving me bonkers so I decide to let them watch TV and remember I recorded a Kim Possible episode…so let’s try that DVR out –

Click on My DVR and notice on the first page there seems to be more stuff then just Kim Possible…and my DVR says 42% full…obviously I got a well used unit…so I am looking 20/20…My Name is Earl…Primetime – ok stuff I can delete…then I page down…OMG…what is that QUANTUM LEAP episode…no freakin way…page down again

QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP

And page down again and again….all QUANTUM LEAP’s

I counted about 20 in all…

Sweet mother of DVR…

I feel like I won the DVR lottery…

Thank you O’ TV Gods for putting my old TV out of it’s misery…

Ummmm Scott Backula in his prime – snarf snarf snarf….

Poppin' my TAG cherry...

Well Jimmi tagged me...

So Here Goes...

Here's what I have to do for this tagging game:

1) I must post 7 random things about me:-

• I love the smell of Honeysuckle and I am very glad Bath and Bodyworks now has this scent


• I am a Bag-a-holic...or a Bag-ho if you must - I can't resist a cute bag...especially if it comes FREE or pretty cheap with purchase...Damn that Bath and Body Works and thier cute bags


• I am a coupon fanatic and refuse to pay full price for anything


• I am a Jello-sucking CHAMPION....


• My baby sister is a Lieutenant in the Coast Guard and teaches at USCGA


• I am very ecclectic in my music tastes - from Toby Keith to Metallica to Bette Midler to Panic at the Disco to Live to Neil Diamond...however I can't stand Jazz or most classical music...


• I have a *slight* gnome problem...come-on 14 garden gnomes isn't that many is it?

2) Tag 7 other bloggers :-ok like Jimmi I can only think of 6 right now



Gretchen - http://swiperbootsdora.blogspot.com/

Liz - http://www.buildermama.blogspot.com/

Erica - http://singlemomfindingherself.blogspot.com/

Heather - http://mamamaven.blogspot.com/

Louisa - http://mrswheezer.blogspot.com/

Stephanie - http://jhawker-fan.blogspot.com/



3) Post Rules & the bloggers I tagged here.



4) Leave tagged bloggers comments on their web sites so that they know they have been tagged

Of Honeymoons and Mr. Happy's

Yeah yeah yeah - I know it has been awhile since I last blogged…but I got to go on a vaction with Third Child WITHOUT PWG and TW….ohhhhh can we say Heaven…I’ll probably Blog about that later….

First off…ERICA made me cry…she gave me

Thanks sweetie….you ROCK to…I love you like a little gnome…

Secondly I bet you are wondering what the title of my this post refers to…

I have really only truly won two things in my life…why I continue to play the lottery is beyond me…I guess I like throwing away $2 a week…

Anyway when planning my wedding I bought all the requisite Bridal magazines…ALL of them…Do you freakin know how much a stack of Bridal magazines weigh...More than I do now…anyway I filled out any contest I could find in those magazines…

Win a Free Reception (*up to 10K – ha ha ha guess everyone will be eating tiny wieners on a stick)…Win a Designer Dress (Butt-ugly…just because you are a designer doesn’t mean you can’t have a bad day…) and lastly Win a Honeymoon – oh let’s just say that seemed to have the most contests (BTW – Brides to be - don’t bother filling out any contests for Sandals Resort, because everyone wins…a tape of what you can do at Sandals)

So I filled them out, mailed them in and forgot about them…until the day I got a registered letter…a registered letter stating that I had WON…yes little ole me had WON a honeymoon…I won a contest that was sponsored by Brides magazine and Wyndham resorts – my prize package included my choice of a weeks stay at one of 7 different Wyndham Resorts in the Caribbean including air fare and also for some reason a set of monogrammed white towels…

Third Child and I choose St. Lucia because we had never heard of it…turns out we knew why we had never heard of it – it is filled with Europeans…I don’t have an issue with Europeans, but I do have an issue with the teeny, tiny speedos all the fat Europeans seem to wear…everywhere I turned there was a banana hammock – and a banana hammock on a 300+ lb dude is NOT a pretty site…and there seemed to be a lot of 300+ lb European dudes that week…

Anyway – so for the longest time that was really the only thing in my life I had ever WON…until recently….

I recently won THIS - thanks to LOTTA ...and of course NIKKI

I was surprised I was choosen…and it was very interesting to explain to Third Child that I had won something and what exactly I had won…

Anyway – while we were on vacation it was sent…I went to the post office to pick up my mail that had been held…as I was digging down in the Postal box I felt something big and round…hummmm – so I grabbed the package and brought it from the depths of the box…

It had been opened…not fully opened as Mr. Happy was still in a sealed plastic bag…but the envelope had popped open and anyone who has a pair of eyes could see what laid in the bag…so now my postman (I live in a fairly small town) knows I get freaky…and with what I get freaky…(*note to self – pick up a big hat, sunglasses and a scarf for the incognito look when going to the Post office)

Anyway I got home and showed it to Third Child…he was quite impressed with it…and had a gleam in his eye…all I will say is that I can’t review it until I try it…so it might be awhile…

Anyway one thing I did find interesting is that it had a warning sheet with it…and one of the warnings stated “Do not use it on any unexplained calf pain” – hummm yes because if I have unexplained calf pain the first thing I would do is grab Mr. Happy and let him buzz away….

Whats in a Name?

My girls are 6 years old…you would think by now they would know the proper names for certain areas of their bodies…

They don’t.

It is not because I don’t want to teach them the proper names…they just have never asked…

The area in question has been called a lot of things around our house…(mainly whispered between Third Child and I)

Pu-tang
Berry Free Zone
Va-jay-jay
Akav (aaaaa-kav) – Area Known as Vagina
Nether regions
Private area

Lately I have just been calling it - HOO-HOO (who-who)

“Scrub your hoo-hoo girls…get it good and clean”

The other day TW and PWG wanted to play in their kiddie pool in the backyard…if it meant me not having to deal with the bathtub + tiring them out – no brainer…

So PWG comes inside, dries off and strips to her skivvies…she comes to me bearing Princess Panties and asks me to put them on her…and the conversation went a little something like this

ME: - Hold on before you put those on it looks like you have a piece of grass near your HOO-HOO (grab a tissue and get the grass)
PWG: Is that what it is really called?
ME: What?
PWG: HOO-HOO – is that it’s real name?
ME: - ummmm, wellll – no it is called a Vagina…
PWG: Vagina…oh I like HOO HOO better.

Long live the HOO-HOO

Why doesn’t anyone tell you just how hard it is to be a mommy? Seriously. I mean perfect strangers are more than happy to share the story about the time they put little Susie in the Johnny Jump up and there was an unfortunate diaper explosion…they will tell you about the time they went into little Billy’s room and found he was a budding artist and what a wonderful painting he did with his own…well you know.

But no one ever says…Darn it being a mommy royally sucks sometimes! Are we as women not secure enough in ourselves to divulge this wicked little secret? Yes we all love our children – they are a part of us…whether they grew in our bellies or from our hearts they are our pride and joy. But sometimes you wonder how much you can get for them at your local flea market.

Almost every new mom to be has this pretty little picture painted in her head about how great and wonderful it will be to be a mommy and about how perfect their child will be. I know I did – until that one fateful day when we saw two little blobs on the ultrasound machine. I don’t think I ever saw my husbands face so white as when he gandered upon that screen – as I turned to look and came to the full realization at exactly what I was looking at I started to shake uncontrollably. The ultrasound tech tried to calm me by telling me “honey, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” – my response “I think he got the wrong womb on this one”

FATE – it had caught up with me…see I spent most of my life being told my sister or I would have twins, as twins run in my family. This little tidbit even factored in discussions with my husband about how many children we wanted (for the record he wanted 3 - I only wanted 2). I told him in no uncertain terms that I had no desire to tempt “fate” and wind up with 4 children should we try for #3 and let’s just try for 1 and go from there…

We told our family and they were ecstatic…even if I wasn’t. So many things running through my head – I had done all the preparing for 1 baby…I could do 1 baby…but TWO. See here is the thing about me – I’m lazy…I am a procrastinator…I pray every night that the angels above will send me an “easy” button.

But over time I grew excited over the prospect of being a mommy…after all I still had those wonderful visions in my head of two perfect babies…ones that breastfed like champs and slept through the night. Why those visions, because nobody told me the truth.

Nobody told me

• how much my hormones would go crazy after the birth of my babies
• how I would cry at the drop a hat, for no explainable reason at all
• how my boobs would turn out to be for decoration purposes only
• how loud a babies cry can be and that earplugs hardly stifle the noise
• how something so little could produce enough gas to power a small city for a month
• how babies like to sleep during the day and play at night
• how radically different my life would be
  

Those moms who told me about the Johnny Jump-up vs explosive diaper and Little Billy’s painting forgot to mention the fact they probably bit back curse words or got so frustrated they saw stars…because when you are a mommy you forget.

Those tiny hands…those little feet…the first word…the first step…they make you forget the times when being a mommy frustrates you so much you lock yourself in the bathroom and scream into a pillow or rip apart our childrens stuffed animals….

I guess us mommies don’t remember the bad times or else we would be telling those new mommies to be that sometimes it just sucks….

Chubby Girls get ye' arse to Kohls....

So yesterday I had to get a haircut so I decided to leave work oh 2 hours before my appointment...

and I wondered around Kohls...

and I found THIS!!!

What is THIS....well my chubby friends it is apt. 9® Mock-Layered Floral Empire Dress

and I bought it in a PETITE MEDIUM!!!

YES that is right a MEDIUM....my 14/16 arse fit into a Medium

It is the perfect dress for those with hips and arse...the waist is made up of two elastic bands in an empire fashion and the material - ahhh perfect...a nice cotton - not clingy at all and most of all it doesn't have too much fabric...

I love the look of empire waist dresses but some of them have so much fabric on the bottom half it looks like I am smuggling piglets on my hips

Now this dress comes in Petite, Regular and Womens sizes in the store (online it only shows up in the Petites area)...I would say if you are a 14/16 - you should be able to fit in a Medium - Large - My top half isn't that well endowed which is one of the reasons I think I was able to fit nicely in a Medium...

And why I have you reading my blog - riddle me this Batman...

Why can't I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers pants....but yet it fit into a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers shorts???? and likewise how can I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Lee pants...but the Size 14 shorts...welll lets just say it aint a pretty picture - imagine Miss Piggy wearing Daisy Dukes....

I do believe Womens clothing manufactures were placed on this earth to drive me insane....

Open Letter to my Cats

While I am completely aware you can not read I feel the need to write this out...

If you are going to take the time to play with little micey friends...do them a favor and just kill them when you are done "playing"...

It was very difficult to explain to my daughters this morning why my husband had to kill Stuart Little...you see I thought your poor little mousey friend was deceased but when Third Child went to go remove him turns out he was still trying to hang on so valiently to life...

Third Child, half dead mouse, shovel - you can form your own picture...

Oh yeah one more thing...when you do kill them - Third Child would appreciate you not leaving it 2 steps outside the door on the deck...Appearently he managed to step barefoot on one of your conquests the other night...

Does EVERYTHING have to be equal...

So last week I took the girls to the Dr.'s for their 6 year old Well Child visit...

did all the basics and they were deemed fit and ok for 6 year olds - allbeit a little short (25%)

so they needed to get blood and urine...

Blood - not a problem - a little prink and squeeze and that is done...

Urine on the other hand involves me taking part and playing "Catch the stream"

So everything went OK (or so I thought) and off we went...

At the beginning of the week I got a call from the Dr. office...can we come back in because something went wrong with the Urine samples...

JOY

So on Tuesday I pick up the girls early and off we go...

Once again I am on my knees in a bathroom holding a plastic cup up to my daughters Va-jay-jay and telling them "Please don't arch you aren't a water fountain"...and I catch the stream...

PWG went first and TW followed...

Everything went OK until....

They looked at the little plastic vials...and then it began

TW: PWG has more pee than me
ME: It doesn't make a difference
TW: But it is not equal - Can I pee more so it is equal
ME: NO!
TW: Please - it is not fair that PWG has more pee than me {cue big fat tears rolling down face}

all the while PWG is dancing around the bathroom singing "I have more pee...I have more pee"

HONESTLY...SERIOUSLY...

having equal ice cream in their bowls is one thing...but arguing and getting upset because your sister has more pee in her cup than you...

To top the day off Third Child managed to disloacte his shoulder later that night...so I got to spend a few hours in the ER...thank goodness our neighbor was home and could run over to stay with the girls...

Molesting the Pig

Don’t worry this is not a post about Nookie time with my hubby…

No rather yesterday Toothless Wonder came home with a necklace…in the shape of a tooth…can you guess what was in that necklace…

YEP another tooth…for those counting at home that makes a total of SIX for TW.

So she got her little Tooth Fairy box and put her tooth in it and plowed it under her pillow…as she was drifting off to sleep she told me I could either call or e-mail the tooth fairy but not to forget to let her know…Ah the age of technology…e-mailing the tooth fairy.

SO Third Child and I look at each other and he said “You got some money?”

But of course…

You see the girls each have a piggy bank…TC and I help fill the banks with spare change every now and then but for the most part it is filled with money the girls get here and there.

So last night I needed 5 dimes…where did I go – straight to the piggy…

Nothing like sitting on your bed at 10 pm at night with your fingers shoved up a pigs hole…

The humorous thing about this is this morning after counting her money TW walked over and deposited it in the piggy bank…

One day she will find out I am the Tooth Fairy and that I gave her the same five dimes over and over and over and over again…

I guess that is why there are Therapists?

Big Hair Band are Pussies

So I bought myself an MP3 player – which in turn lead us getting our whole house outfitted for digital everything…cause I could not effectively download songs on the measly AOL dial-up we had…of course I just wanted to see about getting high speed internet – but I called Comcast…and well next thing you know a beefy young man was at my house diddling my plugs…(oh wait this my blog…not my letter to Penthouse)

OK so now we have Cable internet…which now after being able to download 100 songs in under 5 minutes I can never get rid of…plus the fact Third Child and I found soft porn available on the On Demand Cable…whoo hoo…nothing like seeing some Reno prostitutes get it on…well that and Noggin On Demand….what can I say it satisfies everyone in the house…

So I got my MP3 player and got a subscription to Rhapsody on the Go – which allows me to download playlists other people create into my MP3 player…I have enjoyed going back and reliving my high school life thru music…that is until the other day…

I downloaded a playlist called….Hair Bands of the 80’s….SCORE (or so I thought) – It had a total of 86 songs and I thought “man I will get my rock on”….after all – Warrant, Skid Row, Lita Ford, Kiss…and many others…well I discovered most are

PUSSIES….

Did every big hair 80’s band release a sappy love song or 5…WTF Van Halen and Skid Row I thought better of you and Mr. Big…sorry maybe you should be on the One Hit Wonder list…

Now I know not every song can be like Cherry Pie or Dr. Feelgood – but come on…surely you all have more rockin hits…every other songs is some sappy love song…and Sister Christian…why is that song on the playlist…

I guess I should have looked for the “Non pussy songs of 80’s Hair Bands”

I am however – really enjoying the “Class of ’93 and beyond” playlist….but my favorite…”Early 90’s High school” – a little classic MC, Criss Cross, Cypress Hill and of course a song I shook my ass to on the dance floor…a little Tag Team…

There's a party over here

a party over there

Wave your hands in the air

Shake your deriere

These three words when you're gettin' busy

Whoomp there it is

Murph's Study Hall - the end of an era....

I was recently informed that my college bar – Murph’s Study Hall was sold…and there would no longer be a Murph’s

Everyone - please bow your heads for a moment of silence…

I have so many feelings about this – I know I know it is just a bar – but it played a very important role in my college years…

See Murph’s is your typical college bar…within easy walking distance of the campus, small, compact, dingy but so much freakin FUN…pool tables, beer for less than a buck and young {sometimes hot} college boys to make out with.

Being the person that I am I had a fake ID…so I was able to enjoy Mr. Murphy’s establishment pretty much since I arrived on campus…Oh back then it was even smaller and dingier – you had to be really friendly in the women’s room because it was a pair of swinging doors with two toilets…so if you didn’t know the person beside you when you walked in – you sure knew her when you walked out…

Between my Freshman and Sophomore years Mr. Murphy added on to his fine establishment – enlarging the women’s room (THANK YOU) and adding a whole back bar/dance area.

Oh how I loved Murphs…I spent the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year on campus taking summer classes and try as I might to find a job…I didn’t – it was the best summer ever – spent the mornings going to class and the afternoons and evenings usally biding time at Murphs…I got quite proficient in playing pool and I learned how to throw a mean set of darts (only occasionally did one wind up in the ceiling) . It was during this summer that Mr. Murphy realized my ID was well…not ME…but he let me in anyhow and started calling me Virginia (since that is where my ID was issued)…when campus got back into full swing that fall I still got into Murphs…he did look out for me and occasionally I got turned away with a “not tonight Virginia” when the Liquor Control Board was on the prowl…

Murphs gave me my best times…hanging out with my sorority sisters, drinking, laughing, gossiping…and one or two of my worst times {Sorry for puking behind the big screen TV…}…It was a place where relationships formed and relationships died…where rumors were started and lies confronted…it was a place of happy and of sad…I honestly think I cherish my diploma from Murphs more than the one from my college…While Murphs may be no more I still have my Murph's Study Hall T-shirt, a few commemorative St. Patty’s Day glasses and one itchy scratchy dog that Third Child and I named after our beloved college bar….

When I was a senior I was my senior class secretary – which isn’t want it sounds like – basically I was the keg girl during our senior class happy hours at Murphs…oh the power you weld when you control the flow of the beer…One Friday when I was setting up Mrs. Murphy came to me – in her hand she held a license…she asked me if I knew the person on the license – to my surprise it was one of my sorority sisters…turns out her license had been stuck in one of the women’s toilet for a few weeks – the toilet would get stopped up – they would plunge it and it would work again…over and over they did this for a few weeks before getting a plumber in…the problem – Kathy’s license…EWWWWW….the really EWWW part is she continued to use it after it had been fished out…I don’t know about you but I would not have TOUCHED anything that had been on the inside of bar toilet…much less put it in my wallet and lug around with me.

While Murphs holds a lot of fun times for me – it holds a few bittersweet ones as well…the one that sticks out most in my mind – doesn’t involve drinking or gossiping or even making out with a hot boy…during one of the Senior Class Happy Hours I spent an hour chatting with a friend – his name was Joe Podlucky – we had had some classes together and some mutual friends…we worked at the same mall and would occasionally stop by each others place of business to say Hi…that Friday evening in between dispensing beer for a quarter a cup to our fellow seniors we talked about graduating and where our lives were headed…how we were both scared yet excited to see what the future held…it was good conversation…on Monday I had to work – during a break I swung by his workplace but he wasn’t around…I thought to myself “I’ll catch up with him later”…that night he was shot and killed while in his car at another local bar…TO THIS DAY I have this picture of him sitting in the corner of the back bar…sipping on a beer and looking forward to what the future was going to hold for him…RIP Joe….

And to Murph’s thanks for the memories – I shall cherish them all…good, bad and downright ugly…

And the Bad Mother of the Year award goes to...

ME…

I was recently in a CD swap – which forced me to learn how to work my Windows Media and upload my old CDS onto my computer…

So I made a mixed CD – my first – GO ME…

And then I let my kids listen to some of it in the car…most of it is fairly tame…I mean The Remedy, Margaritaville, You’re my Inspiration…how can that be bad for a bunch of 6 year olds…

Well there are a few ones that just aren’t appropriate for 6 year olds…but did I listen to my inner nag of a mother…nope…

So I let them listen to Baby Got Back…complete with the beginning…

So I thought it wasn’t a big deal – we had a discussion about how they can only sing along to the song when they were in the car with mommy…

Yesterday Third Child got treated to this by TW - VERBATIM…

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like,one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look!

I dare say Third Child almost choked on his coffee…and then gave me a glaring look…then PWG just had to sing her daddy the other song they recently learned…by the Divine Ms. M

I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!

Darn you girls we had a good thing going…I could listen to music I liked – you could go into total dancing spasms in your boosters to Baby Got Back…

But now…back to APPROPRIATE MUSIC (where is that Ricky Martin CD???)…

Cause the last thing I want is a call from the Principal saying “Ummm we have a little problem here…”

I'm BACK - did ya miss me....

Yeah yeah yeah - I know the last time I posted was last month...but the only thing ruling my house now-a-days is chaos...

you think I am kidding...in the last 24 hours this has been my life

• Threw my back out - made emergency Chiropractic appointment
• While on the way to the appointment with Third Child in tow various lights (parking brake, ABS, battery, etc...) begin going on and off - this is the same minivan we spent $1200 (yes $1200) on last week - we brush it off as a loose wire and say "Oh we'll take it in tomorrow and get it looked at...
• Finish appointment go to car - won't start
• Find sketchy looking dude in parking lot to give us a jump
• Make plans...Third child drops me off at home for me to get 2nd car - pick up the girls and meet him at Goodyear to dump the van...WE WILL NOT TURN OFF THE CAR
• Realize plan won't work when car makes weird noise and ups and dies while sitting at a red light
• Realize that 3 Sheriff officers conversing in the parking lot of the 7-11 across the street could give a flying fig about us and get in their cars and drive off in different directions
• Call Insurance company because we have towing through them...explain to the lady FOUR times I do not live in PA...(apparently she got me confused with her previous call)
• Find out we have nice neighbors when one of them stops to help Third child move car to side of the road while wifey drives me to my house (While TC was waiting for the tow truck 4 other neighbors stop to see if he needs help...I LOVE my neighbors)
• Get to daycare to find them feeding my children dinner (Got to love the hospitality of those Southern Baptists)
• Go to Goodyear to pick up Third Child after he has been deposited there by the tow truck driver...
• Get home to find a nice letter from the IRS stating we OWE $3300...apparently of allllll the things I could have screwed up on my taxes I somehow typed in BOTH of the girls SS # wrong...call and amazingly talk to a very nice man who gets everything straightened out (or at least I hope so...) - but we know know how much our children are really worth to us in the eyes of the federal govenment - $3300....
• Go to slather Biofreeze on my back only to find the power of it has somewhat dissipated and all I am left with is a gooey substance on my back....
• Toss and turn all night trying to find a position where I feel comfortable and it doesn't feel like 101 gnomes are stabbing me in the back with tiny pitchforks
• Get a call from the school nurse who informs me that TW has somehow fallen on a game box and "hurt her privates" and upon looking in her underwear spots some blood...tell nurse it is ok if she takes a closer look and talk to TW on the phone and tell her it is OK for the nurse to touch her privates....

All of this since 11am yesterday morning....

OK be on the lookout - I am going to try my best to blog at least 3 x's per week... so the 4 of you that read my blog will have something to look forward too...