The days of my life...

I know it has been awhile since I last posted- that is the way it goes when your life is full of chaos...I figured I would write a little of this and a little of that.

RAISING PLAYERS

At the beginning of daycamp TW informed me that she had a boyfriend...and that i had to buy a ring for said boyfriend and she would wear my wedding dress and they would get married...it touched me that she wanted to wear my wedding dress but I told her she would have to wait until she was older...she seemed fine with that. I asked what her boyfriends name was and she told me Cody...

Fast forward to 2 weeks later and she informs me she has TWO boyfriends...the afore mentioned Cody and now Will - however TW and PWG got into a heated discussion about Will - not because PWG wanted him but she informed her sister that Will was Laura's boyfriend and TW couldn't have him - TW shrugged her shoudlers and said" I am a twin so I have to share" - I knew one day that line would come back to bite me. Anyway this was all a moot point a week later when Laura told Will during a classmates birthday party that he was not her boyfriend anymore...ah the angst of 5 year old love.

So last week TW informs me she has THREE boyfriends...Cody, Will and get this..."the tall kid in Unit A" - yep she is definately a player - doesn't even know the kids name...just "the tall kid"

...gee how exciting will her teenage years be for me

THE VA-JAY-JAY CHRONICLES

I have been successful in changing the subject when one of my girls points to thier va-jay-jay's and ask what it is used for...however I know soon I am not going to be able to dodge that bullet...if anyone knows of a tactful way to explain to a 5 year old what a va-jay-jay is without me having to turn to the cartoon porn that is "Where did I come from" please let me know

FOR ONCE

I applaud the writers of Rolie Polie Olie...a show I truely dispise - although not as much as the weirdo doodlebops...yesterday I let my girls watch it - we haven't seen it in well over a month - well it was da' bomb...the parents switched places with the kids and proceeded the throw a tantrum because they wanted to play the game "Pick-up all the crap on the floor" and got into a fight because kid dad wanted to watch Golf while kid mom wanted to watch the news...they demanded peas and carrots and lots and lots of ruffage for dinner...and when bedtime rolled around they threw a fit because they wanted to go to bed RIGHT NOW and of course the bedtime story - reading from the daily newspaper...the kids thinking this was going to be a great day wind up laying on the ground totally wiped out after kid mom and dad go to bed....ha ha ha ha - let's see watching shows you don't want to watch - playing games you don't want to play...eating stuff you don't like....reading a story you dispise...you got it right RPO writers - you must be parents yourself - thumbs up to an enjoyable episode...you have a long way to go before it is Jimmy Neutron caliber...but because of this episode I might just let my children watch you again sooner rather than later.

CLERKS II

For anyone that is a Kevin Smith fan - you HAVE to see this movie - I recently did a babysitting swap with a friend for the express purpose of getting out of my house so I could see this movie...I loved every single minute of it...some quotes to leave you with

"Pillowpants is the name of her pussy troll"
"She's Kinky Kelly I'm the stud"
"Go-bots are the K-mart of Transformers"
"We like to call it inter-species erotica"
"They're not gay they're hobbits"

Seriously I could make a fortune...

On Tuesday my husband underwent sinus surgery - a fairly simple outpatient procedure that takes about an hour to do...the Dr. came out to tell me how it went (GREAT!) and to tell me my husband had one of the worst noses he had ever seen inside...

Appearantly it was broken in three different places...the septum was totally pushed over on one side so he wasn't getting airflow on one side...the Dr. said he should feel a lot better after the surgery - I am just hoping that he doesn't snore anymore I could quite frankly care less about the % of airflow going up between his nostrils.

After about an hour in recovery I was allowed back to see him and get my instructions from the nurse...yes I did say instructions.

Turns out they don't really sew you up - they just let you bleed and how they stauch this bleeding is by taping a rolled gauze pad up under your nose...

Now being a woman I am quite familiar with blood coming from small openings...sorry if this grosses you out - but I am very frank and it is the god's honest truth...

so my job was to change the "pad" every hour or so as it got soaked with blood...something so very enjoyable - NOT!!!!

so you had to roll these gauze pads up and then strap it on with a strip of tape...at one point I told my husband I was going to get one of my maxipads and park it under his nose...he did not find that amusing...

However...the blasted thing is designed to absorb blood from small holes - if Always or Kotex really thought about it and made super mini maxi pads for medical use they could really make a bundle...

I have already figured out the design for sinus surgery - nice and thick in the middle with adhesive "wings" on both ends - just plop the pad up under your nose and adhere the wings to either side of your nose...no more nasty rolled gauze no more ripping tape...and the plus side your upper lip will smell springtime fresh...

anyone got the number for Kotex Product Development...

Copulating Female Dog

So today I went off to meet my husband to sign some paperwork at a local bank branch. Instead of walking the 10 blocks in the 90 heat I decided to drive, whereas my husband who works a mere 3 blocks walked - so I round the corner that the bank is on and see my husband standing in the street along the side of the road saving me a place...

Very sweet of him but I would think after being together for say oh a dozen or so years he should know I parallel park about as well as I run marathons (for those that barely know me I am pretty sure I would rather get eaten by a lion then run more than 50 yards - I think it would be far less painful)...so I go around and around the block waiting for someone on the side street to pull out...see the side streets are intersected by driveways so you get 1 maybe 2 cars along the side...pulling between a car and air - not a problem for me...pulling between 2 cars...serious problem

So after my 4th or 5th time around I spy an empty spot and nudge myself in...as I am getting out of the car a little beat up car pulls up along side my car and the women inside proceeds to forcefully yell to me

"Copulating Female Dog"

and then speed off with her "Jesus Loves You" license plate frame flapping in the wind...

I am going to assume, since I had never laid eyes on this woman before today, that she must have seen the spot after she past it and was going around the block and found me in it...

umm ok...I burst out laughing while I have been called many things in my life "Copulating Female Dog" is not one them...

I am going to go with the theory she was calling me a F'n B*@#%...but for some reason her love of Jesus, attested by her license plate frame, does not allow her to use profanity in a vulgar way?

Either way it costs a lot of $$$

This past week I have gotten a bunch of compliments...about my weight....

I have previously written about how within the past year and a half I have lost about 40 lbs...a majority of that between last Feb and November of 05...

A few weeks ago I went back on WW - forked over the money - got my little weekly coupons and settled back in - I knew this time around it would be harder for me to loose the weight at a nice clip - I have totally changed my eating habits so I am already eating the "proper" foods - now it is just a matter of tweaking the portion sizes and evaluating what I am eating every day...after all I will never deprive myself of a treat every now and then - I just have to adjust what I eat around that treat.

So anyway so far 4 weeks in I have lost a grand total of 5 lbs...I am NOT complaining as that is 25% to my goal of losing 20 lbs this go round.

But over the past week people have been commenting about how good I have been looking and that I seem to be doing really well with my diet...I know 5 lbs is nothing to sneeze at but at my current weight that is like letting loose a few drops from the overflowing rain bucket...

Now about a week or so ago is when I dropped a wad o' cash on expensive Clinque makeup and fancy Philosophy Undercover stuff...I have to say this stuff is awesome and makes my face look terrific...

so I am thinking people are looking at me and seeing me with this great face now...far far fewer blemishes (been doing the whole Philosophy Acne skin care regimen for about 2 months now - great results - still get erruptions now and then but overall my skin is a lot better and not tight...anyway lets just leave it as I am a Ho and Philosophy is my pimp daddy...) and realizing something has changed...since they know I am on a diet they go for the diet angle...

So if I break it down right now it stands at $19 for every compliment I've gotten...now if I can get it down to about $5 a compliment it will be money well spent...