A little this a a little that *edited for Clarification

SATURDAY REVISTED

going back to the mall this past weekend - after my friend Liz left I wandered around the mall for a little while longer - I happened upon these very interesting pair of panties...

they were cute...they were ruffly...they were crotchless...they were $58!!!!

so for $58 you get a tiny dress for your coochie...and you know they only serve one purpose...it's not like you are going to be dressing for work and say

• Skirt - Check
• Blouse - Check
• Bra - Check
• Ruffled crotchless undies - Check

I can think of so many better things to spend $58 on...like a nice serving platter...

I'M PRETTY

Four year olds say the darnest things....While picking my girls up from day camp yesterday one of the little 4 year olds came up to me - she asked me if I was PWG and TW mommy...and I said Yes...then she told me I was really pretty...awwwww shucks...she made my day :)

PHASES 1 & 2

Just for Liz

PHASE 1: Talking like your mother...you know you have made the first transition into actually becoming your mother when phrases like "Don't make me tell you again"...."Close the door do you think we live in a barn" and the always popular "Because I said so" comes flying out of your mouth...it becomes far worse when you actually spout mommyisms without thinking things through...like the other day when i told PWG to pick something up and she just started whining...automatically from my mouth came the phrase "What's the matter with you - your arm broken?" and sadly yes...her arm is broken...at least I had a good chuckle combined with a small hiccup of a cry fully realizing that I am far beyond Phase 1

*PHASE 2: Drinking like your mother...sure when we all are given the go-ahead to drink and we go to bars and such we choose all these wonderful exotic concoctions made up of 27 different types of liqour...things with names like "Super Porn Star" and "Banana Slammer" and "The Shaking O"...but then you get older...wiser...and realize that you don't like waking up with the impression of the toilet seat ringing your face...so you become more sedate in your drinking...and you start drinking the "grown up" drinks - the ones that are usually only served up with one type of alcohol - the ones with the safe names like "gin and tonic"..."jack and coke" or the one that I now drink...the one that my mother drinks..."Amaretto"...I

Can I get this in a size Oompa Loompa

On Saturday I got the pleasure of meeting up with one of my friends - Liz (http://buildermama.blogspot.com/) yeah I haven't learned to do all that HTML stuff yet...

Anyway Liz and I met up at one of our local malls...the "expensive" one - the one that houses places like Crate and Barrel, Aurhaus, Pottery Barn, and Nordstroms...one of the reasons we picked this place was for the sheer fact that Nordstoms carrys Philosophy products and since Liz previously "forced" me into buying over $100 worth of face stuff from Philosophy I subsequently have become a Philosophy Ho I needed my fix of the face wash...

But ah not so simple to walk in and just buy what I needed - no sir re...I ended up forking over about $80 for a face kit and then...Clinque...foundation and blush - why because there was a FREE gift...in addition to being a Philosophy Ho it turns out I am also a FREE gift Ho...so now I have some nice expensive foundation and blush...but I do have to say it does do wonders for my face...but sadly there is no going back now...I don't think I can ever again buy foundation at CVS with my $1 off coupon...now I'll be stalking Clinque and biding my time until they have thier FREE gifts...I have begun the next phase in my life "Phase Three: Makeup like your mother"...I however will not complete the phase in full because I do not own Blue frosted eyeshadow and never will

I shudder at the thought of the next phase "Phase Four: Dressing like your mother"...a phase I shall do my best to by-pass because I really don't ever want to own a sweater with an embroidered Christmas Tree - nor do I have a jonesing to own Christmas Lightbulb dangling earrings...

Anyway after both of us made the salesladies day we went off to the Cheesecake factory for a bite to eat...ohhh so sinfully delicious at the end...we shared a slice of Chocolate Coconut cheesecake...I could actually hear my hips screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

After a bite to eat we walked around the mall - which led us to Ann Taylor - where I tried on a very pretty dress - unfortunatly it made me look like I was smuggling piglets on my hips...

See...my body is mutated...I am what you would refer to a zaftig...big boned...plush...fluffy...I have a somewhat smallish waist with these huge birthing hips...and to top it off I am on the short side...imagine if you will someone took an Oompa Loompa and put them on a stretcher...that would be me...so I go to try on pants...they fit in the hips but I could literally tuck a midget in the back of my waistband...the pants I can find that fit me in the waist are usually so tight accross the hips they pull at the crotch and well if you have read my other musings you would know my sworn motal enemy is the camel-toe...I will NEVER, EVER go there...quite frankly I wish it was outlawed and I had the power to make a citizens camel-toe arrest...oh what happy day that would be...to be able to walk down the street and not be offended by camel toes...

anyway so the long story short is I am a mutant and I am waiting for the day I can flip through the racks at a store and find a size Oompa Loompa...

Freak Me

I am a channel surfer...I can not stand to be bored with commercials...so I flip...with this in regards to the remote I am the MAN in our little family...however, unlike the opposite sex I do not stop on shows that feature some historical event as the main topic nor do I stop on shows where wild birds and guns are the featured performers.

I am a reality junkie...and when I say reality I don't mean all the Let's have an Amazing Race to see who will be the Apprentice Survivor and find the Treasure...I mean the mind numbing candy shows...give me Newlyweds, The Girls Next Door and yes...even The Simple Life. I find it amusing to watch others stupidity...appearantly I am not alone in that fact or else these shows would not be on the air, right?

One of my favorite shows on currently is Mind Freak with Criss Angel - which is on A&E on Wed at 10pm...seriously this man is amazing...and if I may say so - sort of a hottie man in a "bad boy lets' get it on on a rooftop" sort of way.

So last night I was flipping (natch) between Mind Freak and another freaky show - America's Got Talent...I do have to say some of America does have talent...the rest though are well - just freaks...although I did enjoy the breakdancing cow - but the "Shadow dancers" - with the love triangle that involved a minature pony...so not NBC...more like Skin-a-max - seriously freaky...but not as freaky as Criss Angel

Most of his tricks are just illusions...but man...what illusions they are. If he was doing them on a stage I could pick it apart - trap door there...mirror here and viola. HOWEVER, most of his tricks take place as he walks around various Las Vegas locals...casinos, parking lots, parks, etc...and they are not simple flash of the hand type tricks either, among some of the more amazing things he did

• impale himself on a wrought iron fence in front of a group of people
• made a HUGE elephant disappear in the middle of a parking lot while a group of people held hands in a circle around him
• cut himself in half and have people walk between him and under him
• made himself disappear in the middle of a public park
• smashed a beer bottle and cell phone together so that the cell phone wound up INSIDE the beer bottle - to get it out he broke open the beer bottle
• walked on water - while he had people swim in front of him, behind him and under him
• levitate people on the street
• levitated between two buildings

yes yes yes I know it all illusions...but how....in the middle of public places....using things that people on the street give him and just surprising people here and there...sure he could have people "planted" in certain areas, with props for some of the illusions...but others...it is definately a MIND FREAK

if you want to watch some amazing television...check him out

http://crissangel.com

B-E-A-UTIFUL....

So TW and PWG started day camp this week...their little chests are so puffed up and thier little throats raw as they tell everyone they meet that they are "big girls" now

Last week they "graduated" from their pre-K class at daycare...this thrust them into the world of the BIG kids and the summer day camp that the daycare runs...

at first I was a little weary...after all they are only 5...and fairly newly 5 at that...

then I got the list of activities...swimming, bowling, baseball games, trips to the ice cream parlor...movies...heck I want to be a kid again....

but then I thought man they are going from a class of 12 kids and 2 teachers into a day camp unit of 20 (ages 5-7)...with only 2 teachers over all those kids...could they handle it? Will they be ok?

Monday evening we picked them up - and thier eyes were bright and shiney and they couldn't stop talking about everything they did that day...most of which consisted of a field trip to the local snow shack and some coloring...

but the absolute best thing...the thing that I will forever be grateful for daycamp...

BOTH of them were in bed and ASLEEP by 8:15 pm....sweet heaven above I thought I heard the angels singing on high...

and yesterday they went to a local baseball game...in bed...ASLEEP by 8:10 pm

THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU daycamp....

ISO - Two slightly used Murry Lawnmower headlights

So last night Hubby goes to mow the lawn...the last time we did it was about 2 weeks ago...we have a riding lawn mower.

he mows the front and then I go outside to tell him dinner is ready..

he asks me if I did anything with the lawn mower headlights...

my response "The lawn mower has headlights"

so then he lifts up the hood and shows me - the headlight wires have been pulled out and the headlight bulbs are missing...WTF - he said he noticed the wires hanging out of the hood when he went to start up the lawn mower and opened the hood and found no lightbulbs

Our first thought was maybe the girls did something...so we ask them they deny it - then TW says she did it so we ask her to come out and show us what she did - well the little thing isn't even big enough to

A) Lift the hood of the mower...
B) and her arms aren't long enough to reach where the bulbs were...

So we feel that there is no possible way she could have done anything to the lawn mower....plus the fact that the girls have been inbred with Catholic guilt anytime they accidently break something or do something they know is wrong they come to us right away with thier little lower lip out, big puppy dog eyes and the words "I'm so sorry I didn't mean it" - so if she had done something with the headlights she would have come and told us (after the fact of course).

so the question is....

Did someone hop our 5 ft fence, jimmy open our shed and steal our lightbulbs?...we have combo locks on the inside of all three fence doors, mainly we did it as a precaution so the girls couldn't get out of the backyard when they are playing back there and no one could just open a door and walk into our backyard

I am thinking maybe someone was trying to steal our lawnmower and pulled the wrong wires....our dog is outside during the day and has a dog pen with a dog house but she doesn't stay in there she has free roam in the whole yard and the garage (doggie door to garage) - most of the time her lazy ass is on her bed in the garage so it is possible someone could be in our backyard + the fact that she would intially bark and then probably go over and plop down on her back looking for a tummy rub...oh yeah we have such a vicious guard dog.

So they could have pulled the wires which caused the bulbs to pop out and then Ms. Lazy Bitch surprised them and they ran with the bulbs??? Nothing else seems to be missing from the shed - maybe they saw the half mounted turkey ass DH has sitting on the workbench and thought we might be into some sort of satanic turkey rituals???

To top it all off our house sits on a corner lot on a fairly traveled intersection - trees for the most part are non-exsistant on 3 sides of our property and we have no house behind us so our backyard is open for all to see...a person would have to be pretty stupid to try and steal something from our backyard...then again only the lawnmower light bulbs are missing...so stupidity is looking mighty good here...

We are going to talk to our next door neighbors (retired couple who stay home all day) and our neighbors in the cul-de-sac behind us (SAHM) and ask them to be on the lookout...

Seriously weird....

And yes...my world is full of chaos....

Oye...it has been a very rough week...

Let's see last week Pantiewad girl broke her arm...

I was just finishing up lunch on Tuesday - 6/6/06 BTW - when I get a call from the director at daycare...which of course is never a good thing...so I am thinking GREAT one of my kids threw up...has a fever...pissed herself and I forgot a change of clothes...

Nope...the information I receive threw me into a tizzy...

"I regret to inform you we think Pantiewad broke her arm"

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Of course I told them I would be right there and out the door I flew...on my way out I babbled something incoherant to my supervisor - lucky my co-worker overheard the phone conversation and was able to translate.

Got to the daycare in under 20 minutes (let's not even try to guess how much I broke the speed limits) and learned she had fallen off the Monkey Bars...on the brand new playground that the kids were allowed on for the first time that VERY DAY! The playground that was designed for the "older" school-aged kids...the playground had I known they were going to let the Pre-K's on it I would have told the teachers that my girls were not allowed on the Monkey Bar part...anyway that is neither here nor there - it happened and I can't reverse time (because if I could I would reverse it all the way back to the bad Pepe Lopez night...I sure would like to look at Cheerios without gagging - another story for another time - let's just say...learn a lesson from me and stay away from cheap tequila)

As a parent you ALWAYS have this scenerio in the back of your mind about what you are going to do the first time your kid breaks something or comes to you gushing blood from a nice gash somewhere on their body...you think you will be calm and rational and orderly...and all that goes out of the window when it actually happens to your kid...

Well off we went to the ER - PW girl was a trooper all gussied up in a split fashioned from a Nick Jr. magazine and some masking tape...I have to say the ER we went to was fantastic - we hardly waited in the waiting room - got back to a nice room and everything was just done in a very quick and timely fashion - the nice big TV with cable in the room was a plus too...got her all set up with some nice Morphine and got the X-rays...

Yep the X-rays showed that her arm was in fact broken - she managed to break both the Radius and the Ulna bones in her right arm - about 1/3 of the way up from her wrist...thank goodness it wasn't her wrist...

In the end we left with a cast up to her shoulder, a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and an appointment for tommorrow to put on a permanent cast...this one the Dr. informs me can be any color PWG chooses...I am betting on the hot pink model...

Add all this to new kittens and a dog that now needs surgery on it's ear...

Chaos

Timing is Everything....

Last Feb. I joined Weight Watchers...I was tired of being overweight - I had been overweight most of my teen years and managed to loose a bunch of weight my senior year of high school...I entered college with a lot more self esteem than I had in high school and with a totally different outlook

I even managed to fend off the dreaded Freshman 15 (probably because my dorm was the farthest you could get from the academic halls and I had to walk up a big hill to get there...) Over the course of my college years I only managed to gain back 10 lbs...plus I also gained a fiance.

Then the slow descent back to Fluffyville began...I manged to hold my weight steady by going to the gym a few times a week...but did I bother to watch what i ate...nope and since both my fiance and I were working full time and going to grad school that meant a lot of fast food...cheap eats ala - Kraft Mac and Cheese and the ever faithful Ramen noodles...

After we got married we decided to buy a house...hello mortgage...goodbye $$ for the gym...and then working and doing stuff around the house...and then having money to eat real food - not neccessarily healthy food....

I did manage to do fairly well - but a few years out of college I had managed to gain back about 25 lbs...not a pretty site.

Then I got pregnant...had a MC and ate my way through the few weeks following that...then I got pregnant again - this time with twins...during the pregnancy I was told - eat...eat...eat and I did...did...did

anyway fast forward to last Feb - after getting back pictures taken on my Birthday (Dec 31st - I'll expect cards from you all this year) I was horrified at the person in the picture...

I knew right then I had to do something...

so off to WW I merrily skipped...and I did great...lost 40 lbs and well then life caught up with me and I stopped going - I did really good though and managed to hold my weight steady until the past few weeks...slowly, ever so slowly the numbers have been going up

the final straw is last week the day after getting back from FL I stepped on the scale and was astonished to find I had gained FIVE POUNDS...

That was it - I need the accountability of stepping on a scale in front of other people every week...the support of other people who are going through what I am going through...a place to go where I am not the biggest person in the room...

So last night I went and re-joined WW...

Turns out my timing could not have been better...I got home from the meeting and walked upstairs to get changed. I was wearing a long skirt that buttons up the front - I had the top 3-4 buttons undone as I walked in to my room - my lovely twin skin belly was hanging out...TW saw me and ran over to me to give me a hug - then she put her hand on my belly and the conversation went something like this

TW: Oh mommy do you have another baby in your belly?
ME; NO!!!!!!
TW: - Oh then are you just really full?

all the while my darling husband was giggling...giggling so hard I think he might have peed a little in his panties...

I am taking the conversation as a sign that I did the right thing...that spending that $100 is not going to be wasted...

so here I go again...