Last night I crossed another thing off my “Bucket List”…
I went rock climbing…well not true rocking climbing…just up some rock walls…
I went as part of a MOM’s Night Out for my Multiples Group…
Being that I am well as Cartman would say “pleasantly plump” I was a little worried…
You see three members went to class to learn to Belay…that is be your anchor when your ass is up on a wall…one of the women, K is like half my size and I very seriously asked her “Is it going to work because I just envision my fat ass making you fly across the room”
I was told – it will work – everything will be fine…
So I get to the place – where I go to put the harness they gave me on and realize I can’t get it past my “womanly” hips…so I have to slink back to the counter and ask the very nice woman “Excuse me, do you have a WIDE LOAD size harness” – and gee lucky me they did…
So my first time up I go up about ¾ up the wall and then I look back and down.
BIG FREAKIN MISTAKE…
Have a mini panic attack (umm did I mention I am scared of heights…oh and bridges…and spiders…) and tell them I am coming down…and magically I make it down and think about kissing the floor…
After awhile decide ok I’ll give it another try – get half way up before I decide to give up…
Third time…it’s always a charm right…
Well K tells me – I’ll Belay you (other members did it the previous times)…I look at her – taking in all her skinniness and say “are you sure”….once again she says “it will be fine”
So I get all hooked up and climb up the wall…made it almost to the top and decide to come back down…so I yell down…get the thumbs up ok for me to come on down…
So I start coming down and notice K is giving me a little more slack…so I lean back a little more to come down a little faster…when out of the corner of my eye I see….
K FLYING….
And then I drop about 3 feet and bang against the wall and the harness goes up my crotchatal area...as I hear one of the instructors running over while yelling “grab the wall”…hey man I am trying, I am trying….At this point I am thinking I am really, really glad I had a C-section or else I probably would have peed myself…
So there I am clinging to the wall with a crotch wedgie…K is standing there with the look of terror in her eyes, holding her right hand away from the belay and the instructor is grabbing the rope…
I am gently lowered back down to the earth.
I am trembling – K is trembling and her hand looks a bit swollen…and she keeps apologizing to me…
What happened?…turns out K had a little slack in her anchor rope…which allowed her to be flung forward when she had my full cow-riffic weight on the rope…she grabbed the belay which in turn pulled her hand up into it and pinched it but good…
So my prediction came true …sort of…
Would I do it again…I don’t know…but if I did…I would totally let K belay me again…I trust her :)
But for now...I can say I have rock climbed...with an added bonus...with TC being laid up for awhile because of shoulder surgey...that's the most action my crotch has gotten in weeks...
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Explain to me why....
Little girls underwear come in even sizes...
2...4...6...8...10
Considering by the time my girls shucked thier diapers their butts were to big for size 2 -so we went straight for size 4...at some point we segwayed into Size 6...
Now I am finding some of thier size 6 underwear is getting to be too small...well at least for one of them who screams "It is going up my butt" at least 3 x's per week...thank goodness 90% of those times are when we are safe within our own home...the other 10%...let's just say we have given some shoppers a giggle or two...
Anyhoo...before X-mas my MIl called to ask what size underwear they were wearing...thinking ahead I told her 8...
So for the one who is screaming "It is going up my butt" I gave her a pair of 8's to put on...
and they pretty much fell right off...and when she pulled them up the wasitband was just slightly south of her non-exsistant Ta-tas
So either my kids are going to be walking around with a perpetual wedge or they are going to start wearing granny panties at a pretty young age...
2...4...6...8...10
Considering by the time my girls shucked thier diapers their butts were to big for size 2 -so we went straight for size 4...at some point we segwayed into Size 6...
Now I am finding some of thier size 6 underwear is getting to be too small...well at least for one of them who screams "It is going up my butt" at least 3 x's per week...thank goodness 90% of those times are when we are safe within our own home...the other 10%...let's just say we have given some shoppers a giggle or two...
Anyhoo...before X-mas my MIl called to ask what size underwear they were wearing...thinking ahead I told her 8...
So for the one who is screaming "It is going up my butt" I gave her a pair of 8's to put on...
and they pretty much fell right off...and when she pulled them up the wasitband was just slightly south of her non-exsistant Ta-tas
So either my kids are going to be walking around with a perpetual wedge or they are going to start wearing granny panties at a pretty young age...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Ten to many?
And so I begin to slowly remember weekend mornings from my college days…
This past weekend I spent the night at a friends house, M…a friend who will soon be celebrating her 1 year dump-a-versary and impending divorce…
So how exactly do you celebrate something like that
YOU DRINK…
Apparently a lot of tequila and vanilla rum…
At one point Saturday night I had a really nice buzz going on…I was mellow and I could still speak in coherent sentences…
THEN…
A spider – a HUGE spider with 8 legs crossed in front of me while I was walking back from the kitchen…
GUESS WHAT I FEAR MOST IN THIS WORLD….
Do you know Adrenaline (you know from being scared shitless by a spider) totally kills an alcohol buzz?
This past weekend I spent the night at a friends house, M…a friend who will soon be celebrating her 1 year dump-a-versary and impending divorce…
So how exactly do you celebrate something like that
YOU DRINK…
Apparently a lot of tequila and vanilla rum…
At one point Saturday night I had a really nice buzz going on…I was mellow and I could still speak in coherent sentences…
THEN…
A spider – a HUGE spider with 8 legs crossed in front of me while I was walking back from the kitchen…
GUESS WHAT I FEAR MOST IN THIS WORLD….
Do you know Adrenaline (you know from being scared shitless by a spider) totally kills an alcohol buzz?
TOTALLY! KILLS! IT!
So I had to start all over from square one….good thing I had a full bottle of rum to begin with.
Later on I started F’in up my speech…the sign I had gone over the edge…at this point M and I decided maybe it would be cool to drunk dial people, like she had done to me on New Year Eve…but considering it was about 2am we forwent that idea and decided just to drunk e-mail people…and do a little drunk internet purchases as well.
Sunday I woke up feeling like I needed to shave my tongue and my head was throbbing and my first line of sight was a dogs ass…but unlike my college days I wasn’t stuck to a Fraternity House floor…so +++’s all around for that.
Now to se what might show up on my doorstep in a few days…
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I'm Fat and I Need to go on a Diet
“I’m fat and I need to go on a diet” – you would think these words were uttered from my mouth…
Well you would be wrong…
That sentence was uttered by my 6.5 year old darling little 52 lb. stringbean of a girl.
Yesterday I went and picked her up from afterschool and before we left she wanted to go see her little friend – which I will refer to as BI (Bad Influence)
So she goes over to her little friend and next thing I know they are running a lap around the cafagymanasium and get around to me. BI asks if they can run around 2 more times – I gently say NO…to which out of PWG mouth came that fateful sentence
Well you would be wrong…
That sentence was uttered by my 6.5 year old darling little 52 lb. stringbean of a girl.
Yesterday I went and picked her up from afterschool and before we left she wanted to go see her little friend – which I will refer to as BI (Bad Influence)
So she goes over to her little friend and next thing I know they are running a lap around the cafagymanasium and get around to me. BI asks if they can run around 2 more times – I gently say NO…to which out of PWG mouth came that fateful sentence
“I’m Fat and I Need to go on a Diet”
To which BI nodded her head and told me they were trying to loose weight so they can be skinny – when I told them they were both perfect just as they were – BI said “Oh we could be skinnier”
WHAT. THE. *&%$!!!!!!
I figured at some point in my daughter’s life I was going to have to deal with body issues…after all they are girls and let’s just say there are some genetic wildcards in our family…
But I figured I had at least 6-8 years before I had to deal with this – NOT at age 6.5
Is it wrong to blame BI for putting thoughts into her head, because right now she is the only “source” I can think of that is putting “ideas” in my daughters head?
I mean while we do have Barbies in our house – Bratz are banned. I watch all the kiddie type shows with them and I have yet to see one where they talk about fat/thin issues…We watch the Cheetah girls – which IMO show REAL teenage bodies…you go Raven Symone
I did tell PWG that she doesn’t need to loose weight and she was thin enough and could actually put some more meat on her bones…
Quick does anyone know where I can get a Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini poster?
Friday, January 04, 2008
One Good Birthday a Decade?
So I am now 34 – I am officially in my Mid-30’s…how the heck did that happen…
My birthday was Dec 31st…and I threw myself a party…
You see I hate when my birthday falls (Bitter – party of one) – I guess it could be worse my due date was Dec 24th but because I was stubborn and probably comfortable I overstayed my welcome by about 7 days…
My birth announcement – a copy of my parents tax form with the number 2 X’d out for # of dependants and 3 written in…I. Do. Not. Joke.
When I was a kid my birthday always got lumped in with X-mas..my presents were wrapped in holiday paper and better yet I always seemed to get the shaft from aunts and uncles…”oh here is $5 Merry X-mas and Happy Birthday” – whereas my brother and sister got the same $5…but when their birthdays rolled around they got a card WITH another $5…(Bitter – party of one)
Even better because my mother was so exhausted by the time X-mas was over my birthday was given a haphazard glance…I have had birthday cards SIGNED IN FRONT OF ME and then handed to me…I have had someone else’s leftover cake….my parents ALWAYS went out on my birthday (Moms reasoning – I wasn’t home when you were born…) and best yet when I was 17 I woke up and not one person mentioned my birthday ALL DAY…that year I just so happened to have my mothers Nordstroms card and went and bought myself a little present…(Bitter – party of one)
Now let me say I had a great childhood…other then the whole birthday thing I wouldn’t change hardly anything…
But I have resigned myself to the fact that I am only getting one good birthday party a decade…
0-10 – I am sure I had a decent party somewhere in there – my mother does have pictures of me blowing out a cake and various children in party hats surrounding me…so I would assume I had at least one decent party…the only thing I really remember is playing that stupid clothespin game – you know the one where you try to drop a clothespin into a jar while standing on a chair…OH…is that not a real game…?
11-20 – Now I will say I did get to have a 16th birthday…not on my actual birthday of course (cause remember my parents go out every New Years Eve)…and I had a ton of friends come over…the best gift – a 6 ft tall blow up Godzilla…yep that’s right…jealous much…the best part of that gift is the story that comes with it…see my friend Christy bought it for me and she thought it would be a good idea to blow it up before giving it to me…one small problem…it was a 6ft Godzilla and she had a vintage VW convertible beetle…Godzilla no fit…at least not with the top up…SO in the middle of January in cold Virginia she drops her top – straps in the blown up Godzilla and drives through town to my house…oh the site of a chick driving through town with a 6ft Godzilla as her passenger…
21-30 – ok I will admit turning 21 ON New Years Eve is pretty cool…Some friends and DH (then just a SO) went to a little bar in Northern Virginia to celebrate…because it was birthday they gave us the best booth in the joint…and well since it was my birthday I didn’t have to buy a single drink of my own…we managed to attract a lot of people to our booth – one of which was a very nice man who looked just like James Brown…looking back at the pictures that night I do believe he was in every single picture…a bunch of white chicks and James Browns’ doppelganger – complete with shiny party hat and fringed horn.
When I got back to college after Winter Break I was afforded another party thanks to my college friends…although that party ended with me passed out on DH’s fraternity house floor and realizing a few hours later I was STUCK to his floor…seriously…stuck. to. his. floor. I don’t remember much of that night other than sticking to the floor (because seriously who the hell wouldn’t remember that) as all the 3 Mile Islands I drank pretty much blotted out any shreds of memory I might have tried to retain
DH and I did attend a pretty cool party on New Years Eve 1999…a wedding of one of his Frat brothers…and yes we did party like it was 1999…only problem was we had just bought our house and money was pretty tight so we had to spend the night at my parents instead of getting a hotel room – that meant we had to drive – hence one of us (ME) had to remain sober…
31 – Present – so far this years party has been the best of this decade. We decided to have a Kid Friendly New Years Eve bash…so we told people to come over anytime after 4 – pizza would be at 6 followed by cake and a countdown at 7pm for all the kiddies…At the height of the celebration we had at least 20 kids under the age of 10 running through our house and just as many adults… yeah my house isn’t that big but we all managed to fit…Everyone had a great time and conversation flowed…I even got a few gifts – Yeah me…
Best yet – everyone had cleared out at about 8pm, DH and I cleaned up what little mess remained and were in bed by about 10pm…(I AM in my mid-30’s…isn’t that what old people are suppose to do – get to bed at a decent hour)…I will say the highlight of my night was a phone call I received at about 10:15 from a good friend of mine…she drunk dialed me on my birthday J … I can’t remember much of what she said other than to not have a hangover you have to drink lots of water to flush your system and then eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to absorb whatever alcohol is left…good to know I’ll have to try and remember that.
My birthday was Dec 31st…and I threw myself a party…
You see I hate when my birthday falls (Bitter – party of one) – I guess it could be worse my due date was Dec 24th but because I was stubborn and probably comfortable I overstayed my welcome by about 7 days…
My birth announcement – a copy of my parents tax form with the number 2 X’d out for # of dependants and 3 written in…I. Do. Not. Joke.
When I was a kid my birthday always got lumped in with X-mas..my presents were wrapped in holiday paper and better yet I always seemed to get the shaft from aunts and uncles…”oh here is $5 Merry X-mas and Happy Birthday” – whereas my brother and sister got the same $5…but when their birthdays rolled around they got a card WITH another $5…(Bitter – party of one)
Even better because my mother was so exhausted by the time X-mas was over my birthday was given a haphazard glance…I have had birthday cards SIGNED IN FRONT OF ME and then handed to me…I have had someone else’s leftover cake….my parents ALWAYS went out on my birthday (Moms reasoning – I wasn’t home when you were born…) and best yet when I was 17 I woke up and not one person mentioned my birthday ALL DAY…that year I just so happened to have my mothers Nordstroms card and went and bought myself a little present…(Bitter – party of one)
Now let me say I had a great childhood…other then the whole birthday thing I wouldn’t change hardly anything…
But I have resigned myself to the fact that I am only getting one good birthday party a decade…
0-10 – I am sure I had a decent party somewhere in there – my mother does have pictures of me blowing out a cake and various children in party hats surrounding me…so I would assume I had at least one decent party…the only thing I really remember is playing that stupid clothespin game – you know the one where you try to drop a clothespin into a jar while standing on a chair…OH…is that not a real game…?
11-20 – Now I will say I did get to have a 16th birthday…not on my actual birthday of course (cause remember my parents go out every New Years Eve)…and I had a ton of friends come over…the best gift – a 6 ft tall blow up Godzilla…yep that’s right…jealous much…the best part of that gift is the story that comes with it…see my friend Christy bought it for me and she thought it would be a good idea to blow it up before giving it to me…one small problem…it was a 6ft Godzilla and she had a vintage VW convertible beetle…Godzilla no fit…at least not with the top up…SO in the middle of January in cold Virginia she drops her top – straps in the blown up Godzilla and drives through town to my house…oh the site of a chick driving through town with a 6ft Godzilla as her passenger…
21-30 – ok I will admit turning 21 ON New Years Eve is pretty cool…Some friends and DH (then just a SO) went to a little bar in Northern Virginia to celebrate…because it was birthday they gave us the best booth in the joint…and well since it was my birthday I didn’t have to buy a single drink of my own…we managed to attract a lot of people to our booth – one of which was a very nice man who looked just like James Brown…looking back at the pictures that night I do believe he was in every single picture…a bunch of white chicks and James Browns’ doppelganger – complete with shiny party hat and fringed horn.
When I got back to college after Winter Break I was afforded another party thanks to my college friends…although that party ended with me passed out on DH’s fraternity house floor and realizing a few hours later I was STUCK to his floor…seriously…stuck. to. his. floor. I don’t remember much of that night other than sticking to the floor (because seriously who the hell wouldn’t remember that) as all the 3 Mile Islands I drank pretty much blotted out any shreds of memory I might have tried to retain
DH and I did attend a pretty cool party on New Years Eve 1999…a wedding of one of his Frat brothers…and yes we did party like it was 1999…only problem was we had just bought our house and money was pretty tight so we had to spend the night at my parents instead of getting a hotel room – that meant we had to drive – hence one of us (ME) had to remain sober…
31 – Present – so far this years party has been the best of this decade. We decided to have a Kid Friendly New Years Eve bash…so we told people to come over anytime after 4 – pizza would be at 6 followed by cake and a countdown at 7pm for all the kiddies…At the height of the celebration we had at least 20 kids under the age of 10 running through our house and just as many adults… yeah my house isn’t that big but we all managed to fit…Everyone had a great time and conversation flowed…I even got a few gifts – Yeah me…
Best yet – everyone had cleared out at about 8pm, DH and I cleaned up what little mess remained and were in bed by about 10pm…(I AM in my mid-30’s…isn’t that what old people are suppose to do – get to bed at a decent hour)…I will say the highlight of my night was a phone call I received at about 10:15 from a good friend of mine…she drunk dialed me on my birthday J … I can’t remember much of what she said other than to not have a hangover you have to drink lots of water to flush your system and then eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to absorb whatever alcohol is left…good to know I’ll have to try and remember that.
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