Whats in a Name?

My girls are 6 years old…you would think by now they would know the proper names for certain areas of their bodies…

They don’t.

It is not because I don’t want to teach them the proper names…they just have never asked…

The area in question has been called a lot of things around our house…(mainly whispered between Third Child and I)

Pu-tang
Berry Free Zone
Va-jay-jay
Akav (aaaaa-kav) – Area Known as Vagina
Nether regions
Private area

Lately I have just been calling it - HOO-HOO (who-who)

“Scrub your hoo-hoo girls…get it good and clean”

The other day TW and PWG wanted to play in their kiddie pool in the backyard…if it meant me not having to deal with the bathtub + tiring them out – no brainer…

So PWG comes inside, dries off and strips to her skivvies…she comes to me bearing Princess Panties and asks me to put them on her…and the conversation went a little something like this

ME: - Hold on before you put those on it looks like you have a piece of grass near your HOO-HOO (grab a tissue and get the grass)
PWG: Is that what it is really called?
ME: What?
PWG: HOO-HOO – is that it’s real name?
ME: - ummmm, wellll – no it is called a Vagina…
PWG: Vagina…oh I like HOO HOO better.

Long live the HOO-HOO

Why doesn’t anyone tell you just how hard it is to be a mommy? Seriously. I mean perfect strangers are more than happy to share the story about the time they put little Susie in the Johnny Jump up and there was an unfortunate diaper explosion…they will tell you about the time they went into little Billy’s room and found he was a budding artist and what a wonderful painting he did with his own…well you know.

But no one ever says…Darn it being a mommy royally sucks sometimes! Are we as women not secure enough in ourselves to divulge this wicked little secret? Yes we all love our children – they are a part of us…whether they grew in our bellies or from our hearts they are our pride and joy. But sometimes you wonder how much you can get for them at your local flea market.

Almost every new mom to be has this pretty little picture painted in her head about how great and wonderful it will be to be a mommy and about how perfect their child will be. I know I did – until that one fateful day when we saw two little blobs on the ultrasound machine. I don’t think I ever saw my husbands face so white as when he gandered upon that screen – as I turned to look and came to the full realization at exactly what I was looking at I started to shake uncontrollably. The ultrasound tech tried to calm me by telling me “honey, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” – my response “I think he got the wrong womb on this one”

FATE – it had caught up with me…see I spent most of my life being told my sister or I would have twins, as twins run in my family. This little tidbit even factored in discussions with my husband about how many children we wanted (for the record he wanted 3 - I only wanted 2). I told him in no uncertain terms that I had no desire to tempt “fate” and wind up with 4 children should we try for #3 and let’s just try for 1 and go from there…

We told our family and they were ecstatic…even if I wasn’t. So many things running through my head – I had done all the preparing for 1 baby…I could do 1 baby…but TWO. See here is the thing about me – I’m lazy…I am a procrastinator…I pray every night that the angels above will send me an “easy” button.

But over time I grew excited over the prospect of being a mommy…after all I still had those wonderful visions in my head of two perfect babies…ones that breastfed like champs and slept through the night. Why those visions, because nobody told me the truth.

Nobody told me

• how much my hormones would go crazy after the birth of my babies
• how I would cry at the drop a hat, for no explainable reason at all
• how my boobs would turn out to be for decoration purposes only
• how loud a babies cry can be and that earplugs hardly stifle the noise
• how something so little could produce enough gas to power a small city for a month
• how babies like to sleep during the day and play at night
• how radically different my life would be
  

Those moms who told me about the Johnny Jump-up vs explosive diaper and Little Billy’s painting forgot to mention the fact they probably bit back curse words or got so frustrated they saw stars…because when you are a mommy you forget.

Those tiny hands…those little feet…the first word…the first step…they make you forget the times when being a mommy frustrates you so much you lock yourself in the bathroom and scream into a pillow or rip apart our childrens stuffed animals….

I guess us mommies don’t remember the bad times or else we would be telling those new mommies to be that sometimes it just sucks….

Chubby Girls get ye' arse to Kohls....

So yesterday I had to get a haircut so I decided to leave work oh 2 hours before my appointment...

and I wondered around Kohls...

and I found THIS!!!

What is THIS....well my chubby friends it is apt. 9® Mock-Layered Floral Empire Dress

and I bought it in a PETITE MEDIUM!!!

YES that is right a MEDIUM....my 14/16 arse fit into a Medium

It is the perfect dress for those with hips and arse...the waist is made up of two elastic bands in an empire fashion and the material - ahhh perfect...a nice cotton - not clingy at all and most of all it doesn't have too much fabric...

I love the look of empire waist dresses but some of them have so much fabric on the bottom half it looks like I am smuggling piglets on my hips

Now this dress comes in Petite, Regular and Womens sizes in the store (online it only shows up in the Petites area)...I would say if you are a 14/16 - you should be able to fit in a Medium - Large - My top half isn't that well endowed which is one of the reasons I think I was able to fit nicely in a Medium...

And why I have you reading my blog - riddle me this Batman...

Why can't I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers pants....but yet it fit into a Size 14 Perfect Fit Dockers shorts???? and likewise how can I fit my fat ass in a Size 14 Lee pants...but the Size 14 shorts...welll lets just say it aint a pretty picture - imagine Miss Piggy wearing Daisy Dukes....

I do believe Womens clothing manufactures were placed on this earth to drive me insane....

Open Letter to my Cats

While I am completely aware you can not read I feel the need to write this out...

If you are going to take the time to play with little micey friends...do them a favor and just kill them when you are done "playing"...

It was very difficult to explain to my daughters this morning why my husband had to kill Stuart Little...you see I thought your poor little mousey friend was deceased but when Third Child went to go remove him turns out he was still trying to hang on so valiently to life...

Third Child, half dead mouse, shovel - you can form your own picture...

Oh yeah one more thing...when you do kill them - Third Child would appreciate you not leaving it 2 steps outside the door on the deck...Appearently he managed to step barefoot on one of your conquests the other night...

Does EVERYTHING have to be equal...

So last week I took the girls to the Dr.'s for their 6 year old Well Child visit...

did all the basics and they were deemed fit and ok for 6 year olds - allbeit a little short (25%)

so they needed to get blood and urine...

Blood - not a problem - a little prink and squeeze and that is done...

Urine on the other hand involves me taking part and playing "Catch the stream"

So everything went OK (or so I thought) and off we went...

At the beginning of the week I got a call from the Dr. office...can we come back in because something went wrong with the Urine samples...

JOY

So on Tuesday I pick up the girls early and off we go...

Once again I am on my knees in a bathroom holding a plastic cup up to my daughters Va-jay-jay and telling them "Please don't arch you aren't a water fountain"...and I catch the stream...

PWG went first and TW followed...

Everything went OK until....

They looked at the little plastic vials...and then it began

TW: PWG has more pee than me
ME: It doesn't make a difference
TW: But it is not equal - Can I pee more so it is equal
ME: NO!
TW: Please - it is not fair that PWG has more pee than me {cue big fat tears rolling down face}

all the while PWG is dancing around the bathroom singing "I have more pee...I have more pee"

HONESTLY...SERIOUSLY...

having equal ice cream in their bowls is one thing...but arguing and getting upset because your sister has more pee in her cup than you...

To top the day off Third Child managed to disloacte his shoulder later that night...so I got to spend a few hours in the ER...thank goodness our neighbor was home and could run over to stay with the girls...