Freedom...sweet freedom

This weekend I am running away....

unfortunatly I have to come back...

I am attending a twins convention in MD...

so far I think what I am looking forward the most is ....

2 hours...in a car...by myself...not having to listen to Pochohantas "Colors of the Wind" 10 times in a row...

Pupation....

My girls could not be more different...

well they could be more different one could have a penis...

Anyway -
Pantywad girl is my tomboy girlie girl - she loves to wear dresses and skirts, dressing up in our 101 princess dresses is one of her favorite pastimes (however she balks at fancy shoes, crowns, jewelry, etc..)...she also loves to dig in the dirt, tackle the playdoh and play with all sorts of bugs...she is also the queen of the Temper Tantrums

Toothless Wonder is the exact opposite of PWG in almost every demenor...she only wears leggings and shirts and she loves all the jewelry, fancy shoes, crowns that her sister won't touch...

• Tanget - the other day while I was trying to sleep in the girls asked me if they could dress-up - sure go right ahead just stop bothering mommy when she is trying to get some zzz's - so when I finally opened an eye I spot PWG all gussied up in a Tinkerbell dress waving one of our 1001 wands around...TW is naked except for fancy shoes, a crown and a necklace...I ask her what she is doing - response "I am a naked princess"...oh yeah the boys are just going to love you...

anyway backing off the tanget - TW hates to get dirty - she won't help in the gardening, she balks if she gets a little bit of marker on her...everything has to be perfect - you know the type...

Well last week she discovered something...Catapillers...the black fuzzy ones...she has become besotted with them...

We are now the proud owners of FOUR caterpillers - and their names are

Caterpiller Fountian

Caterpiller Door

Caterpiller Water

Caterpiller Grass

and yes the full name does inclue the word Caterpiller because gosh forbid you call Caterpiller Door just plain Door...that doesn't fly with TW...

The thing is ... three of them are now pupating...all snuggled in their cocoons...liquifing thier bodies and reconstructing it it a big ass moth...

all in my garage...

I guess it could be worse I could have Pupation going on in my home...

They're FIVE....

My beautiful little ones turned 5 yesterday...

Hubby and I woke them up singing Happy Birthday, after which I had a good cry...

Let me take you back...About 6 years or so ago I turned to my husband and said - we have a house, some cars, steady jobs and a dog...Let's have a BABY...he was all on board with it because it meant a lot of nookie for him.

I told him it could take awhile before I got pregnant and that was fine for him (...it meant lots of nookie...)...but lo and behold he shot one out of the park the very first month of trying.

We were excited we told everyone and then...we lost our baby at 12 weeks...we were devistated to say the least.

My doctor told us to we could go ahead and give it another try whenever we were ready...about 7 weeks later we were ready...and once again DH hit it out of the park that first month...

We were excited but understandably we treaded lightly...

At about 7 weeks I had a complication that made us head straight to my OB's office as soon as it opened....we were ushered right into the Ultrasound room. The technition looked and hemmed and hawed and all the while the only thing I could see was my husbands face...as it got whiter and whiter...and I thought - well here we go again...

then the Ultrasound technition said "THEY look fine to me"

WHAT...WHO...WHERE - THEY

I was floored...and from the albinoness of hubbies face so was he...

I spent most of my pregnancy worrying...

Was I going to be a good mother?
How can I going to handle TWO babies?
Will I lose my sanity?

Needless to say over the past 5 years it has been quite a ride - with ups and downs and some sharp curves too...

But even so...looking at my two wonderful daughters I am taking some Dramamine and holding on for dear life because this is not a ride I ever want to give up...

Life's Little Lessons

Yesterday I was picking my daughters up from school - got them from the playground and went inside to thier cubbies - as we were leaving their classroom and older grandmotherly lady came up to me...she had one arm.

She asked if I knew where her granddaughter might be - I asked how old her granddaughter might be...all the while I could see curious Toothless wonder standing there with a puzzled look on her face...nice older lady stated her granddaughter was 7, so I told her she would be outside behind the picnic pavillion...

then it happened...

Toothless Wonder stepped forward tugged on the nice older ladys' sweater and asked

"Where's your arm?"

Before I could say anything the nice old lady bent down and said

"I put my arm out a car window and it got ripped off"

I just stood there...I mean what could I say...

Toothless wonder proceeded to run back into her classroom and inform her sister that if you put your arm out the car window it will get ripped off...upon arriving home she proceeded to inform my husband, my brother-in-law and the dog that they too would get thier arm ripped off if they put it out the car window.

and I am pretty sure today 12 other little kids now know not to put thier arms out the car window...

Another Va-jay-jay edition...

This doesn't have so much to do with my particular Va-jay-jay as it does with what the Va-jay-jay was specifically designed for...

So I have always been up front with my girls and they know they grew in my belly - together...about a year or so ago many of my friends were pregnant...I would tell my girls "so and so has a baby growing in their belly" and they would be all excited.

Recently we went to visit a friend who has a son the same age as my girls and is pregnant with her second. The girls looked at her belly and simply told my friend that when the baby came out they wanted to teach her how to walk...simple enough, no?

The toothless wonder recently asked me how she and her sister got out of my tummy. That was an easy enough question for me to answer since I had a C-section - I simply told her that the Dr. cut me open and took her and her sister from my belly and then they stitched me up. She seemed pretty satisfied with that answer and didn't press on any further.

I am waiting for the day when one of them ask HOW the babies get in the bellies...many of my friends have had to deal with this question head-on while pregant with thier 2nd from their 1st's - it is interesting to hear the stories of what different people tell their children.

My favorite story comes from my neighbor - her daughter asked her father how the baby got in mommy's tummy - without really thinking he answered "Daddy has a magic wand that puts the baby in mommy's belly" - the next day she went to school and told all her friends that her daddy had a magic wand that puts babies in mommies bellies...innocent right...well what would you say if your 3.5 year old came home and asked to see daddy's baby making magic wand?

I do know that one day I will be faced with the question of just how are babies made...I actually have a Video called Where Did I Come From - which is entirely done in cartoons and voiced by Howie Mandel (Deal or No Deal Howie...) The movie is hysterically funny - if you are a drunk 20 year old college student...but there is no way I would EVER show this to one of my children as I liken it to soft-core cartoon porn.

My favorite part of the video has to do with when they describe how the "DEED" is done - they show the stark naked cartoon man (te he he cartoon penis) and woman getting into bed {with the covers on} and show the spread moving up and down while the cartoon characters make some gutteral sounds...they liken the whole process to a "nice tickle" - occassionally the scene cuts to two cats rubbing up against one another - I don't know about you but I am pretty sure you can't make a baby by rubbing two pussies together - now if they had had a cat and rooster rubbing up against one another that would make far more sense...

but I think to myself - one day I will be asked the question "How are babies made?"

At this point I figure my simple response will be..."Go ask your father"

My Va-jay-jay among other things...

Gosh I sure do love being the mommy of almost 5 year olds...their inquisitive nature...thier endless questions...

some of the questions are simple to answer

Q. Why is the sky blue?
A. Because Pink would look funny.

Q. How do airplanes fly?
A. Because they have wings.

Q. Why do I have to go to sleep?
A. So the monsters under your bed can come out to play.

But then there are questions you just don't know how to answer...or really don't want to answer...I don't know about the rest of you but I think they forgot to remove the instruction manual from my uterus to help me out in certain situations...

The other day I was running around trying to get into the shower - I was in fact naked...well Pantie-wad girl came into the bathroom to see what I was up to...even though she had seen me naked many times before THIS TIME she asked me "Why do you have hair down there" as she pointed to my Va-jay-jay (snaps out to Greys Anatomy).

A simple question...no?

I sat and thought - what do I tell her - do I lie and just tell her everyone gets hair down there or should I tell her the truth and expose her to all sorts of weird Brazillian waxing information...the bare it all fetishes...of course I didn't go for the truth - I simply told her that all women get hair down there - upon hearing that she peered down her underwear and asked when she would be getting some hair - I told her Puberty...she asked what puberty was...I said it was when you get boobs...

she simply looked up and said...

I hope I get bigger boobs than you.

Well darling...that won't be to difficult for you to attain...

The Older I Get The More I Cost...

I swear...

I have always been a frugal person...I shop the sales...I clip coupons and have a virtual big O when I see Clearance signs...as my boss once told me I am "tighter than a tick on a dog's ass" - I am sure he meant it as a jab to my frugality, I however took it as a compliment.

I have merrily skipped my way through life subsiding on Suave shampoo, getting store brand Ritz-like crackers...

When we found out I was going to have twins it threw me for a loop...all I saw were $$$ signs for diapers and formula and food...but my frugality won out and I learned to work the system - get big $$ coupons and wait for the sales. We did OK...

Pampering myself meant maybe getting that bottle of Neutrogena lotion when it went on sale AND I had a coupon...that was until the salon...

When my daughters were about a year old my darling husband gifted me with a gift certificate to a salon - when I called to reserve some services I went for the very basic - a massage and a manicure...we figured out what type of massage and what type of manicure I wanted - having never had either in my whole 28 years to that point I was somewhat taken by suprise the wide varity of manicures I must say so. After some discussion the lady on the phone informed me I would still have about $15 left of my certificate...did I want an eyebrow wax...

What, an eyebrow wax - i had never even plucked those puppies - but I said sure sign me up.

and so the descent slowly began...

Over the past 4 years I have found myself confronted by "pampering" items I don't really need but for some reason feel I need to have - however up until today I have always heeded to my frugal ways...waiting out products until they went on sale or special...

See this week I got fed up...totally fed up with the zits and pimples that have invaded my face for the past 3 years - I have tried a variety of topical stuff with no real solution to my problem - heck even prescription stuff and nada zip zilch - sure some of the stuff cleared up my face but left my skin so dry and tight I kept having visions of the guy from Silence of the Lambs saying "It puts the lotion on its' skin"...after discussing some various products out on the market with some friends I recieved an e-mail from my friend

Liz

and because of her e-mail I went directly to Nordstroms and plunked down $108 for 4 bottles of face gunk from Philosophy...I didn't wait for a sale I didn't wait for a special...

I guess this little tick is getting a little full of the damn dogs badonk-a-donk and is loosing her grip on frugality...

Everyone say a prayer for my pocketbook

What am I doing today...

Extra points for anyone who gets the right answer...

Guess which of the following things I am doing today...

1. Looking at a gun magazine
2. Fondling a dead person
3. Viewing animotronic animals
4. Touching a crack pipe
5. Shopping for Peeps
6. All of the Above
7. None of the Above
8. 1 & 3
9. 3 & 5
10. 1, 2 & 4

now I will tell you the answer down below

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

and the answer is....

Number 6....

I do lead an interesting life some days...

BTW...before anyone calls Child Protective Services...I am getting paid for #'s 1, 2 and 4...

Pet Peeves

• People who don't know how to use a turn signal...
• People who don't know how to YIELD - this is my A #1 pet peeve - I hate it when they get to the bottom of the ramp and stop...just freakin stop - umm moronic idiots...see ahead of you that is called blacktop - you keep going and gradually merge on over...
• People who turn around in my driveway...just because it is the first house on the street...especially when I am working in my yard - Mofo's - I want to install a tire strip and charge people a buck to use my driveway as their turnaround... I could quit working on the money made from that puppy...
• People who REFUSE to wear their correct size and have flubber rolling out from under shirts or over pant tops...EWWWWWWW EWWWWWW
• Cameltoes
• and the reverse - when men wear their pants so tight or hiked up you can see which way they lean...KWIM....
• Old women with tattoos on their boobs
• People who ask for my opinion then tell me I am wrong...umm MFer it's my OPINION it can't be freakin wrong
• My supervisor

Too many candles....

and I am not talking about my birthday cake - although that has a few too many for my taste...

Nope - I am talking about kids birthday parties...

My girls go to daycare so most of thier classmates were born within a few months of them...

So right now I am stuck in what I will refer to as BIRTHDAY PARTY HELL...

We have 5 birthday parties (including my girls own birthday party) in the next 4 weeks...

Not that I mind parties...but since no alcoholic beverages will be served at these parties and no one over the age of 5 will be getting naked...they are sort of a let down.

We have TWO this weekend -

I get to go visit the Big Cheese himself - Mr. Chuck E. at about 2 pm on Friday... how sad to say this is big excitement in my life right now...I do have to say that the last CEC party the girls were invited to about a month ago my husband sucked it up and took the girls as I had something else going on...I will say that unlike most parties there ARE alcoholic beverages available at CEC...unfortunately for him it was at 10Am and he felt that was a tad to early to partake of beer at CEC...however the party on Friday is at 2pm - is that a little to early for a beer cocktail??? Actually, the big question is how many tokens can I scarf from my girls so I can have myself a little skee ball action?

On Saturday - late in the afternoon I get to go to Pump It Up - yet again - this will be the 5th time we have been to Pump It Up in less than 5 months...and we will be going yet again later this month for yet another birthday. For those who are blissfully unaware of what Pump It Up is - basically you get a big room and fill it full of inflatables - put some music on and let the kids run themselves ragged for an hour - however - there is a little quirk in the whole party - ADULTS are encouraged to partake in the inflatables as well...which I must admit for the first time or two we went was quite fun...now...not so much...maybe if they took a page out of the CEC manual of parties and served beer it would make it a lot less annoying to us parents...

TGIF

well you all know what that means...

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

This week has just dragged on...most of it has to do with the stupid time change...

I am offically feeling old if changing the clocks by a measly hour is affecting me this much...

I swear when 6 am rolls around amd my alarm goes off I just want to throw it across the room - this morning I didn't get out of bed until my alarm had been going off for about 20 minutes and even then I felt like a zombie...I even fell asleep last night at about 10pm - so I got 8 hours of sleep...maybe I got too much sleep??? is that possible

What happened to the days where I stayed up until 3 am...and then managed to make it to an 8am English class...

oh yeah wait - I got knocked up...

Scooping out my eyeballs...

Ah yes spring is here…sort of…

And what does that mean – flubber and spandex.

Seriously – being a bigger gal myself I know it how hard it is to find clothes that properly fit – I apparently am among the minority of bigger gals that actually have their clothes fit properly and not so tightly that it shows all the rolls and bumps.

Now I know us bigger gals aren’t always to blame – there is the clothing manufactures themselves – the ones who think that just because a garment is made of say 3% spandex that they can make the overall garment a little smaller because it will “stretch”

Even spandex has a breaking point…

So anyway many gals SQUEEZE themselves into shirts that are too tight, pants that are too tight, dresses that are too tight…and then go out in public…and many times I wish..just wish I always carried a spoon on me so I could scoop my eyeballs out rather than see flesh being squeezed out of the tops of jeans or som poor shirt stretch to the limit over major valleys and bumps of flesh. I mean come on if you put on a pair of jeans and you have to pull your flubber up over the band to zip them up BUY THE NEXT SIZE….just because you buy a size 12 doesn’t MAKE you a size 12.

I myself have a nice piece of “twin skin” belly pouch around my middle and I always make sure that puppy is covered up – I don’t want to see and I am sure other people don’t either…I don’t understand why others don’t see the world the way I do.

But the worst…far worse than any hanging out flubber has to be the dreaded…the nasty…

Cameltoe…

You all know what I am talking about…

I mean seriously do some women just not own a mirror…

Even taking away the visual – how do you not feel it – I mean everyone has had a wedgie…and it is not comfortable I can’t even imagine how a front wedgie feels…ALL DAY.

So remember gals just because Tommy Hilfiger makes a spandex miniskirt in a Size 24 doesn’t mean it should be worn…

Thank you and please hand me my spoon…

All I wanted to do...

was fly a friggen kite...

So the other day we were due for a storm and the wind was picking up pretty good - so I thought hummm wind...

Time to go and fly a kite.

Being as I have two 4 year olds we do indeed have kites - they are pink, plastic and full of princesses...

So I gather my girls and my hubby up and outside we go... my hubby did give me the sketchy eyeball as we could see the gathering storm clouds in the horizon...he muttered something about Benjamin Franklin and electrocution.

Pretty soon we have 2 kites up in the air - higher, higher, higher and the girls each want to hold their kite...so we let them and they actually did pretty good...darn good if I do say so

As toothless wonder goes to hand the kite back to me - disaster happens...the kite goes flying from both of our grips...now is the time to mention we live on a street corner and one of the streets is a fairly busy main street, especially at rush hour...

Anyway the kite goes, well flying and gets tangled up in the power lines by the street - so hubby and I look at one another and he says just to leave it...which I probably would have had another gust of wind not knocked it down a bit...but not enough...

So there I am standing on the side of the road while our kite is hanging above the roadway...

and I am just waiting...

waiting for the moment for someone to driveby, look up and have thier last vision be of a trio of Disney Princesses...

I mean how would you explain that to your insurnace company...

"Seriously man I was just driving along and out of nowhere I was attacked by Belle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella"

Luckly the kite fell into the roadway before it could blind some poor driver and it was subsequently rescued by me.

Long live the princesses