Like a deer in headlights…

So today at work I had some stuff to do on a special computer we have. Said computer is in a room at the front of our section that has a big picture window to the hallway.

So I gathered up my stuff, including my MP3 player and headed towards the dungeon.

Now, I must tell you my MP3 player is a little psycho. I have quite a wide variety of songs in it because I like to download other people’s playlists from Rhapsody, in addition to the songs I like and of course the sanity saving kids songs I have downloaded on my little thing.

So that being said I have quite a large variety of ALL different types of music on my player. It gets quite interesting when I sit back and hit “shuffle”. I go from rocking out to “Crazy Bitch” or “Moneymaker” to “I’ve Got a Song in my Tummy” or “Monster Boogie”…

So today I am sitting in a dark room, looking at a computer and rocking out to some songs…”Them Bones” – great song oh yes “Basketcase” – one of my all time faves…and then a song comes on…humm I haven’t heard that one in a while…oh yeah it is sort of catchy…and I start bopping around….

About a minute later I turn around and I am startled by one of the “big guys” (you know the ones with offices in the “Administration” section)…and he asks “What are you listening to?”

Ummmm wellll…there I was caught…like a deer in headlights

What was I doing?

I was MMMBopping….

Yes yes I was MMMBopping….

I guess it could have been worse – I could have been Wang Chunging???

Actually since they have cut their hair and grown up a little they don't look half-bad....a little MMMyummy

Avoiding Death –Take 2

So yet another Multiples club outing and another chance for me to almost bite the big one…

Setting – Skateland

Now I must admit in my younger years I was a kickass rollerskater…I could even skate backwards…and with my pink roller skates with the white glitter pom-poms I was the ultimate of early 80’s hipness

However that was many many many many…did I say many years ago…

Last Saturday I took PWG and TW to the roller rink…paid the money and got my death on eight wheels…

Got the girls laced up and then it was my turn…just when I thought there was nothing nastier than rental bowling shoes I was shown otherwise…

Ok got them laced up and up on my feet and BAM on my ass…

Well crap

Yah know when you are a big gal it is a little hard to get yourself up off the floor…try it with 8 wheels attached to your feet and it is a site to behold…luckily I was close to the bench so I used that to pull myself up on…

Anyway it took some wobbly turns around the rink and things started coming back to me…like riding a bike…

And everything was all well and good until my little ones started hanging on me…that totally kills your sense of balance…which in turn caused me to go BAM in the middle of the Skateland floor…

Well crap

So I am looking around and find I am about 10 ft from the side of the rink…what else could I do – I start to crawl across the floor…you would think that a friend might be able to help me..no? Well R would have if she hadn’t been doubled over laughing & saying “I think I am going to pee myself” – meanwhile people are still zipping past me and I am praying no one gets too close to my hands with their wheels of death because well I like to use them for things…

So I get to the side and right myself…and tell TW and PWG if they think they are going to fall to abandon the SS Mommy so as not to take her down with them…and that worked…
For awhile

Until the time TW “forgot” to let go – unfortunately instead of falling backward on my cushion of an ass I went smack down to the front – right smack on my kneecap and elbow

Well crap

So I lie there for a second until the skate Nazi comes by and tells me “ummm madam you can’t just lie in the middle of the rink” – really…no shit Sherlock and freakin’ don’t call me madam..nevermind I realized he was all of about 14 years old…you know you are old when you look at a teenager and realize that you are in fact old enough to be their mother…without being pregnant in your teenage years yourself…

So I once again somehow get my body in an upright position and make it to the outside of the rink so I can examine my knee…no blood and I can move it – although currently it is a nice mottled shade of yellowish/green.

In the end I had fun – really I did…I would even think about going back. Humm I wonder if I can find a pair of pink skates with white glitter pom-poms?

What’s most important to you…

The other day TC and I were discussing many things

One being our budget as we are trying to decide if we can afford to put an addition on to our house…a big beautiful addition filled with new kitchen cabinets and shiny awesome appliances and maybe…just maybe…a man-cave for TC underneath the addition…

Dreams are a good thing right?

We got on the discussion of our “vacations” for this year – aka who are we going to mootch off of…

Easter – my parents in NC…close enough for a quick visit..drop off their girl scout cookies and the added plus is they have a skeeball machine that the girls love to play…although my mother might make me bring our Wii so she can once again attempt to rule at bowling…she is so darn competitive…

June – back to NC cause my lil’ sis is getting married…I asked not to be a bridesmaid as my Size 14 ass and 34 year old body would not look so good next to the Size 2 asses on the 20 something bodies…the girls however are going to be freakin adorable – A-DOR-A-BLE as little flower girls…white dresses and all…

July – off to the IL’s for 4th of July…{note to self…see if I can score some Valium before July 4}

August – a possible roadtrip to Florida…yes we are insane why ever do you ask…we figure a night or two stop over in Savannah for delicious food and maybe a quick trip to the Girl Scout museum for the girls…so they can have yet another patch for their Brownie vest. Wind up in Fl at my grandparents and spend a few days there…Not into trying to do Disney…so we are thinking maybe a trip to Cape Canaveral (when I told the girls G’Pa Bill used to work with Astronauts they got all excited) and a trip to GATORLAND!!!!

Now one might ask whatever would possess us to drive 13 hours one way in a car with two 7 year olds in the middle of August…

Family – my grandparents aren’t getting any younger – even if they are in their 80’s and still play golf almost everyday and the opportunity for my girls to even have a chance to spend time with their great-grandparents is worth it…

Family is also the reason I had to stick to my guns and claim Thanksgiving with my family.

Growing up Thanksgiving was just a day – it was a day we got together and stuffed ourselves…our table was very unusual from year to year as we always filled it with family friends…the most unusual year would be the one where our guests included not only a Catholic Monsignor but also a young gay couple – ah if only my Boy George impersonating great uncle could of made it that year…that would have been one hella’ of a good time…

Anyway for our immediate family Christmas was the special time – the Christmas Eve rituals – the joking and conversation on Christmas morning…

When TC and I first got married I didn’t care about being with my family so much at Thanksgiving but I wanted Christmas…

However 2 years ago the week before Christmas my brother was involved in a fatal car accident…Christmas would never be the same for our family.

Over the past 2 years Thanksgiving has morphed into a whole new meaning for my immediate family…we realize now that life and loss go hand in hand and what Thanksgiving really means to us…Family and being together…so I told TC – he can have Christmas but I am not giving up my new Thanksgiving.

Curse of the Mother F’n Binder…

Note to all those who don’t have children yet in school…

When they get to a point where one of the school supply items is a notebook…

And that notebook will be traveling back and forth, back and forth every day…

Buy about 6 of them – I know on the sheet it will say 1 notebook…but trust me on this

After a week in the hands of a 6 year old it will look like it was used as a bullet shield during a gangland shootout…

The girls notebooks were falling apart – every other day I would tape them back up with packing tape and send them on their merry little way…until the day they came home in 3 pieces…

Damn now I am going to have to go buy new binders…

Not that I hadn’t been looking but I swear the week after school starts you go from having your choice of 1000 different binders for $1.50 each to your choice of 2 for $5+ each…hence why I totally tried to ER the binders with packing tape…

So Tuesday the day was at hand we HAD to go buy new binders…hate the place as I might I said “we are going to Wal-mart” cause surely the binders will be cheaper there…

Well we all as a family walk into Wal-mart via the far end “seasonal” area and are instantly reminded of why we don’t like our Wal-mart…

Girl : Ummm don’t walk that way {pointing towards the cash registers}
Me: Why did something spill?
Girl: No there is a big-ass fight

Sure enough we look up and all we can see is a massive throng of people and a lots and lots of shouting…

Look at TC and say – well lets head back towards the craft section first – if we hear shots we can duck out by the automotive department…

Hear lots of intercom messages for all available employees to head to the front of the store…while we are walking to the back of the store the place was deserted…no one in the isles…nothing like a good fight to make people scurry to watch…

After about 5 minutes the shouting stopped (the police must of brought in the dogs because we could clearly hear dogs barking) and we gathered the rest of the items we needed to buy – including 2 new binders – where even at Wal-mart they cost over $3…

So what happens on Wednesday…we pull out TW binder to find that half of the bottom ring had somehow broken off…well crap…I am NOT going back to Walmart…and it really can’t be used…all the while TW is crying “I love my binder…Miss A. thinks it is pretty….I can’t get rid of it”

Umm yes we are – I don’t need you snagging you hand on the mangled edge of half a ring…

So before TW’s therapy session (yes therapy…I am starting her young…) I said we will go to Target and get a binder…much to my chagrin I have been doing my best to stay away from the $40 store…(you know you go in for one little thing and next thing you know you are leaving carrying $40 of crap…)…so we go in to Target…

Our choices – plain, pink or a colorful striped and polka dot one…I try my best to get her to go for the pink one or the colorful one…I even offer to buy her the matching folder so she could have a new homework folder…umm no dice…not cute…not flowery…not pretty…Oh CRIST ON A CRUTCH

So I say - Ok we will go to OfficeMax…where momma might have to take out a loan to buy a friggen binder…Now there are a few more choice at OfficeMax…but then we get to “I like the outside of this one…but I like the inside of this one…do you think they have pink?” NO NO NO this is what they have for the love of all that is good and mighty just friggin pick one…

Ok I’ll take the pink one from Target..

WHAT – seriously (now do you sort of understand why therapy)

So we go to her therapy session where the therapist takes one look at me and says “You don’t look so good” – really now…do you want to hear about the curse of the Mother F’ binder?

My dirty little secret...

I have a dirty little secret…

Yes it is true I am harboring a dirty little secret…

See I am doing something that I am not proud of…that no one really knows about…not my family…not my friends.

I was introduced to it by accident…at first I thought I was too old for it…after all I have lived my life…been stuck to frat house floors…been a champion jello sucker – you know all of that…

But the lure of it…I thought well I’ll just try it once….

JUST ONCE…(I told myself)

But it gave me such a high…a goddamn high I tell you…I felt alive and invincible….

It wasn’t long before I was going back again and again…

The other night TC took the girls to their religious Ed class and for a whole hour I indulged in my dirty little secret…

And yes…I am ready to admit my dirty little secret, my new addiction…

Webkinz

Damn little horse and unicorn…I have been secretly logging in under the girls screen names so I can play the arcade games

Wonder Wheel
Cash Cow 1 AND 2
Triple Strike Solitare
Wacky Zingoz
Stackem Solitare
Polar Plunge
Wishing Well

I love them all….

But surely I can’t be alone….other mommies are harboring the same dirty little secret..

right?

Luckly, the girls aren't really aware yet that every time they log in they seem to have a lot more money than the last time they played…all they care about is if they have enough money to buy a TV or a bathtub or a fancy couch…

Yes…thanks to mommy’s little addiction you can buy that big screen TV for your virtual Unicorn webkinz…

I have bought them each a new Webkinz for Valentines day…but the question I have to really ask myself…is it for them for really for ME….

So I am a little psychic...

Last night I crossed another thing off my “Bucket List”…

I went rock climbing…well not true rocking climbing…just up some rock walls…

I went as part of a MOM’s Night Out for my Multiples Group…

Being that I am well as Cartman would say “pleasantly plump” I was a little worried…

You see three members went to class to learn to Belay…that is be your anchor when your ass is up on a wall…one of the women, K is like half my size and I very seriously asked her “Is it going to work because I just envision my fat ass making you fly across the room”

I was told – it will work – everything will be fine…

So I get to the place – where I go to put the harness they gave me on and realize I can’t get it past my “womanly” hips…so I have to slink back to the counter and ask the very nice woman “Excuse me, do you have a WIDE LOAD size harness” – and gee lucky me they did…

So my first time up I go up about ¾ up the wall and then I look back and down.

BIG FREAKIN MISTAKE…

Have a mini panic attack (umm did I mention I am scared of heights…oh and bridges…and spiders…) and tell them I am coming down…and magically I make it down and think about kissing the floor…

After awhile decide ok I’ll give it another try – get half way up before I decide to give up…

Third time…it’s always a charm right…

Well K tells me – I’ll Belay you (other members did it the previous times)…I look at her – taking in all her skinniness and say “are you sure”….once again she says “it will be fine”

So I get all hooked up and climb up the wall…made it almost to the top and decide to come back down…so I yell down…get the thumbs up ok for me to come on down…

So I start coming down and notice K is giving me a little more slack…so I lean back a little more to come down a little faster…when out of the corner of my eye I see….

K FLYING….

And then I drop about 3 feet and bang against the wall and the harness goes up my crotchatal area...as I hear one of the instructors running over while yelling “grab the wall”…hey man I am trying, I am trying….At this point I am thinking I am really, really glad I had a C-section or else I probably would have peed myself…

So there I am clinging to the wall with a crotch wedgie…K is standing there with the look of terror in her eyes, holding her right hand away from the belay and the instructor is grabbing the rope…

I am gently lowered back down to the earth.

I am trembling – K is trembling and her hand looks a bit swollen…and she keeps apologizing to me…

What happened?…turns out K had a little slack in her anchor rope…which allowed her to be flung forward when she had my full cow-riffic weight on the rope…she grabbed the belay which in turn pulled her hand up into it and pinched it but good…

So my prediction came true …sort of…

Would I do it again…I don’t know…but if I did…I would totally let K belay me again…I trust her :)

But for now...I can say I have rock climbed...with an added bonus...with TC being laid up for awhile because of shoulder surgey...that's the most action my crotch has gotten in weeks...

Explain to me why....

Little girls underwear come in even sizes...

2...4...6...8...10

Considering by the time my girls shucked thier diapers their butts were to big for size 2 -so we went straight for size 4...at some point we segwayed into Size 6...

Now I am finding some of thier size 6 underwear is getting to be too small...well at least for one of them who screams "It is going up my butt" at least 3 x's per week...thank goodness 90% of those times are when we are safe within our own home...the other 10%...let's just say we have given some shoppers a giggle or two...

Anyhoo...before X-mas my MIl called to ask what size underwear they were wearing...thinking ahead I told her 8...

So for the one who is screaming "It is going up my butt" I gave her a pair of 8's to put on...

and they pretty much fell right off...and when she pulled them up the wasitband was just slightly south of her non-exsistant Ta-tas

So either my kids are going to be walking around with a perpetual wedge or they are going to start wearing granny panties at a pretty young age...

Ten to many?

And so I begin to slowly remember weekend mornings from my college days…

This past weekend I spent the night at a friends house, M…a friend who will soon be celebrating her 1 year dump-a-versary and impending divorce…

So how exactly do you celebrate something like that

YOU DRINK…

Apparently a lot of tequila and vanilla rum…

At one point Saturday night I had a really nice buzz going on…I was mellow and I could still speak in coherent sentences…

THEN…

A spider – a HUGE spider with 8 legs crossed in front of me while I was walking back from the kitchen…

GUESS WHAT I FEAR MOST IN THIS WORLD….

Do you know Adrenaline (you know from being scared shitless by a spider) totally kills an alcohol buzz?

TOTALLY! KILLS! IT!

So I had to start all over from square one….good thing I had a full bottle of rum to begin with.

Later on I started F’in up my speech…the sign I had gone over the edge…at this point M and I decided maybe it would be cool to drunk dial people, like she had done to me on New Year Eve…but considering it was about 2am we forwent that idea and decided just to drunk e-mail people…and do a little drunk internet purchases as well.

Sunday I woke up feeling like I needed to shave my tongue and my head was throbbing and my first line of sight was a dogs ass…but unlike my college days I wasn’t stuck to a Fraternity House floor…so +++’s all around for that.

Now to se what might show up on my doorstep in a few days…

I'm Fat and I Need to go on a Diet

“I’m fat and I need to go on a diet” – you would think these words were uttered from my mouth…

Well you would be wrong…

That sentence was uttered by my 6.5 year old darling little 52 lb. stringbean of a girl.

Yesterday I went and picked her up from afterschool and before we left she wanted to go see her little friend – which I will refer to as BI (Bad Influence)

So she goes over to her little friend and next thing I know they are running a lap around the cafagymanasium and get around to me. BI asks if they can run around 2 more times – I gently say NO…to which out of PWG mouth came that fateful sentence

“I’m Fat and I Need to go on a Diet”

To which BI nodded her head and told me they were trying to loose weight so they can be skinny – when I told them they were both perfect just as they were – BI said “Oh we could be skinnier”

WHAT. THE. *&%$!!!!!!

I figured at some point in my daughter’s life I was going to have to deal with body issues…after all they are girls and let’s just say there are some genetic wildcards in our family…

But I figured I had at least 6-8 years before I had to deal with this – NOT at age 6.5

Is it wrong to blame BI for putting thoughts into her head, because right now she is the only “source” I can think of that is putting “ideas” in my daughters head?

I mean while we do have Barbies in our house – Bratz are banned. I watch all the kiddie type shows with them and I have yet to see one where they talk about fat/thin issues…We watch the Cheetah girls – which IMO show REAL teenage bodies…you go Raven Symone

I did tell PWG that she doesn’t need to loose weight and she was thin enough and could actually put some more meat on her bones…

Quick does anyone know where I can get a Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini poster?

One Good Birthday a Decade?

So I am now 34 – I am officially in my Mid-30’s…how the heck did that happen…

My birthday was Dec 31st…and I threw myself a party…

You see I hate when my birthday falls (Bitter – party of one) – I guess it could be worse my due date was Dec 24th but because I was stubborn and probably comfortable I overstayed my welcome by about 7 days…

My birth announcement – a copy of my parents tax form with the number 2 X’d out for # of dependants and 3 written in…I. Do. Not. Joke.

When I was a kid my birthday always got lumped in with X-mas..my presents were wrapped in holiday paper and better yet I always seemed to get the shaft from aunts and uncles…”oh here is $5 Merry X-mas and Happy Birthday” – whereas my brother and sister got the same $5…but when their birthdays rolled around they got a card WITH another $5…(Bitter – party of one)

Even better because my mother was so exhausted by the time X-mas was over my birthday was given a haphazard glance…I have had birthday cards SIGNED IN FRONT OF ME and then handed to me…I have had someone else’s leftover cake….my parents ALWAYS went out on my birthday (Moms reasoning – I wasn’t home when you were born…) and best yet when I was 17 I woke up and not one person mentioned my birthday ALL DAY…that year I just so happened to have my mothers Nordstroms card and went and bought myself a little present…(Bitter – party of one)

Now let me say I had a great childhood…other then the whole birthday thing I wouldn’t change hardly anything…

But I have resigned myself to the fact that I am only getting one good birthday party a decade…

0-10 – I am sure I had a decent party somewhere in there – my mother does have pictures of me blowing out a cake and various children in party hats surrounding me…so I would assume I had at least one decent party…the only thing I really remember is playing that stupid clothespin game – you know the one where you try to drop a clothespin into a jar while standing on a chair…OH…is that not a real game…?

11-20 – Now I will say I did get to have a 16th birthday…not on my actual birthday of course (cause remember my parents go out every New Years Eve)…and I had a ton of friends come over…the best gift – a 6 ft tall blow up Godzilla…yep that’s right…jealous much…the best part of that gift is the story that comes with it…see my friend Christy bought it for me and she thought it would be a good idea to blow it up before giving it to me…one small problem…it was a 6ft Godzilla and she had a vintage VW convertible beetle…Godzilla no fit…at least not with the top up…SO in the middle of January in cold Virginia she drops her top – straps in the blown up Godzilla and drives through town to my house…oh the site of a chick driving through town with a 6ft Godzilla as her passenger…

21-30 – ok I will admit turning 21 ON New Years Eve is pretty cool…Some friends and DH (then just a SO) went to a little bar in Northern Virginia to celebrate…because it was birthday they gave us the best booth in the joint…and well since it was my birthday I didn’t have to buy a single drink of my own…we managed to attract a lot of people to our booth – one of which was a very nice man who looked just like James Brown…looking back at the pictures that night I do believe he was in every single picture…a bunch of white chicks and James Browns’ doppelganger – complete with shiny party hat and fringed horn.

When I got back to college after Winter Break I was afforded another party thanks to my college friends…although that party ended with me passed out on DH’s fraternity house floor and realizing a few hours later I was STUCK to his floor…seriously…stuck. to. his. floor. I don’t remember much of that night other than sticking to the floor (because seriously who the hell wouldn’t remember that) as all the 3 Mile Islands I drank pretty much blotted out any shreds of memory I might have tried to retain

DH and I did attend a pretty cool party on New Years Eve 1999…a wedding of one of his Frat brothers…and yes we did party like it was 1999…only problem was we had just bought our house and money was pretty tight so we had to spend the night at my parents instead of getting a hotel room – that meant we had to drive – hence one of us (ME) had to remain sober…

31 – Present – so far this years party has been the best of this decade. We decided to have a Kid Friendly New Years Eve bash…so we told people to come over anytime after 4 – pizza would be at 6 followed by cake and a countdown at 7pm for all the kiddies…At the height of the celebration we had at least 20 kids under the age of 10 running through our house and just as many adults… yeah my house isn’t that big but we all managed to fit…Everyone had a great time and conversation flowed…I even got a few gifts – Yeah me…

Best yet – everyone had cleared out at about 8pm, DH and I cleaned up what little mess remained and were in bed by about 10pm…(I AM in my mid-30’s…isn’t that what old people are suppose to do – get to bed at a decent hour)…I will say the highlight of my night was a phone call I received at about 10:15 from a good friend of mine…she drunk dialed me on my birthday J … I can’t remember much of what she said other than to not have a hangover you have to drink lots of water to flush your system and then eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to absorb whatever alcohol is left…good to know I’ll have to try and remember that.

it is 11:56pm on Christmas Eve

the presents are out...

Santa has been here and eaten his cookies...

and I can't get my mom off our brand new Wii...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

So we Fought....over Ground Turkey

So we fought …over ground turkey

I freely admit I am a control freak – I like doing things my way…and since I like having them done my way I usually just go ahead and do them so I know that it will get done and well get done the way I like.

I had an event to attend yesterday, which would not leave me time to do my usual Sunday morning foray to the grocery store…TC told me he would be more than happy to go to the store for me..

Uhhh OK…

So I wrote out a list and then I re-wrote in order of the store working from right to left…and then we had a discussion about said list…

While going over the list I had Ground Turkey on the list for chili…

We proceeded to have a conversation that went something like this

ME: I want ground turkey for Chili so make sure you get the plain ground for the Chili and NOT the Italian style ground turkey

TC: Ok

ME: Also get an eggplant too IF they look good – oh hold a second to make eggplant takes a bit of time…I know why don’t we have Turkey Loaf this week

TC: Ok

ME: So go ahead and get a pack of Ground Italian style turkey too {add Ground Italian next to plain ground turkey on list} – so get a pack of both…if they don’t have the Italian style just get two things of plain – but try and see if they have the Italian

TC: OK

I am pretty sure this is the conversation that took place in TC's head

ME: maa maa maa maa Plain Ground Turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maa maa Italian style turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maaa Ground Italian style maa maaa maa Italian (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

So I go to my event and come home…I go to get the ground turkey out so I can start to make the chili…

Open the fridge

1 pack of Italian style ground turkey – hummmm

So I go and ask TC “Where is the plain turkey”

TC response was “You didn’t ask for Plain turkey”

Ummmm WTF….really….

So I got angry…and was a bit yelly over ground turkey….he proceeded to tell me I had only asked for Italian turkey and he went by the list – which he proceeded to get out of his jacket pocket and show me…

the list

where it was written

Plain ground turkey (not Italian – 4 chili) & Italian turkey

Then he started ranting about how I was a control freak and he made a mistake and simply forgot…

I ended up leaving the house because I was pissed off…

See this is where men and women differ – he thought I was upset that he simply “forgot” the stupid turkey…I could have cared less if he in fact truly “just forgot”

I was upset because he didn’t listen…I mean we had a whole freakin conversation about the stupid turkey…about what we were using it for and what we had planned for the week…and yet…

After 10 years of marriage I should be used to it…but I guess that is what marriage is…sometimes there are yelly parts…over ground turkey….

Bad X-mas?!?

So LOTTA had a contest the other week asking about what the worst X-mas you ever had was...

I do have to say I haven't really had a BAD christmas -

I mean I have had some sad christmas's - like 2 years ago when my brother was killed in a car accident a week before the holidays...we managed to muddle through like my family usually does - since my brother was cremated my parents brought him along for Christmas Day...we put his favorite Day-Glo orange "Git'r Done" hat on his urn and put him up on the shelf by the tree...

To other families this might seem weird or crazy...this was my families way of coping...I know it explains a lot about me...

The year before that my sisters dog escaped from my parents house and was struck and killed by a caron Christmas Eve...that was a pretty sad Christmas too...

But the Worst one I have to say was the year when I was about 10 years old and I received a Dickie...

a white cotton turtleneck Dickie...don't be jealous ya'll

It was given to me by my grandmother and I still remember the tag

"HO HO HO - here's a dickie just for you..."

Seriously - what the hell did I do wrong that year...I thought I was a pretty good kid...but a Dickie that is worse than an orange and a bag of gold coins...hell I would have taken the Lifesaver Holiday storybook over a dickie...

Of course I am older now...and have moved on...

YEAH RIGHT...a freakin dickie

Postman - you are going to make me go postal...

So I have been waiting for a CD of pictures that my sister sent me... see it is part of another gift that i need to complete and mail out to the recipient so I need that CD...like 6 days ago

She mailed it last week and assured me that I should have it by Friday - Saturday at the latest...Friday came and went...I was out all day Saturday and arrived home to find a Ransom note in my mailbox

The CD is being held hostage by the US Postal Service...in order to Free the CD I have to pay .16 cents...

YES - they are holding my CD hostage for 16 lousy cents...

This is the first time they have actually held something for thier postal Ransom...in the past when I have had items arrive with postage due they simple put an envelope in my mailbox with the amount due...I put the money in the envelope and stick it back into my mailbox and everyone is happy.

NOW - momma ain't happy...

What happened?

I thought we had a beautiful relationship - one even bumped up a notch when we created a whole new paved driveway - far wider than our old one, smoothly paved with a parking pad...I know you use my driveway to turn your little mail trucks around and go back down the street...I have even seen you use my driveway as a "pow-wow" spot since you can fit 2 trucks across with room to spare...

And come on - you know I am good for the money...don't you see all the magazines and catalogs I receive in the mail... and you know the Santa and reindeer Poker playing inflatable just screams high class...

So today I have to trudge to the post office, pay my ransom to get my CD...then trudge back AGAIN later this week to mail the present that I needed the CD for...

BAAAAA HUMBUG....

ON A LIGHTER NOTE...

About 2 weeks ago I got my hair cut - being that i trust my hairdresser I told her - I want something fun and funky and easy to maintain - so she got out her scissors and a razor and went to town...and I liked the look...

when I actually have time to do it up right it sort of looks like Lisa Rinna's...of course to really look like hers I need the awesome Jonathan DIRT...but at $23 for a small bottle...well...

The other day I was rushing around and trying to get out the door with the wee ones when TW looked and me and exclaimed

"MOMMY - you look just like Troy"

Yes because I was so going for the Zac Efron look...well at least he is pretty - does that make me pretty...

Now if you put Zac's hair on Nikki Blonsky there to the left of him - then you would have a more accurate reflection of myself...only my boobs aren't as big...

All I DON'T want for Christmas

a Va-Jay-Jay pillow

Hummm I'll have to ask TC if I have roses "down there"

Enough said...

All I want for Christmas is...

well judging by my SPAM folder it must be a Penis Enlargement...

Yep - every day for the past week I have been recieving offers like this


Dr. Janna Blackman - ‎Christmas discount on penis enlargement.


Dr. Gina Hinkle - ‎Penis enlargement Christmas offer

I don't know about you...but I seem to be pretty happy with MY own personal penis size...

Maybe they have gift certificates...you know wouldn't that be a boost to your significant others self esteem...a gift certificate for a penis enlargement...

"But honey....it was on sale and I had a coupon"

More Elfin' going on

Your Elf Name Is...

Giggles Slave O' Santa

What's" Your Elf Name?

I am betting at this time - TC is seriously contemplating about legally changing his name to Santa

Seven Random things for a Boring Friday...

Hummmm thanks G-Man for making me think today…

• I have gnome addiction…there I said it – Garden gnomes rock my world…I have over a dozen of them in my garden…not to mention a few more small gnomes in my house…a Talking gnome, a Grow –a-Gnome and a Desktop gnome at work. I also own a Gnome shirt and Gnomey PJ’s

• Twins run in my family – when TC and I were discussing how many kids we wanted the chance of twins ruled our conversation…and lookey what we have…TWINS

• My college sorority nickname is “Spooge” – it really has nothing to do with spunk – well not really true…one of my pledge sisters mispronounced my last name as Semenguard…close but no cigar…and well the moniker was bestowed upon me by my “big” sister and really, really stuck…there were a vast number of people that didn’t know my real name…only knew me by Spooge

• I won a jello sucking contest in college…to this day there has not been another one – does that still make me the REIGNING champ?

• I have an addiction to Papercrafting…stamping, scrapbooking, decorative items…you name it…I love it

• The first boy I ever slept with the 1st night I met him is now my husband. (does that make me slightly less ho-ish that I did that since we did eventually got married?)

• I have a very dry and somewhat perverted sense of humor…most people either love me or hate me…much like Lady Sovereign (bonus points for those who know what the hell I am talking about...)

And as for Tagging people - I think a majority of people are blogged out cause of NABloMoBLOP…(see I am so tired I can’t even spell…)

So I give to you the MASSES (ha ha ha I crack myself up)…if you would like to play along – please go right ahead and drop me a line so I can link to your seven random items :)

This is why I try and hide the pens,,,,

So my In-laws came to visit last weekend before Thanksgiving...

My FIL is an "interesting" fellow...

One of his many, many, many, many - did I say many yet? "quirks" is underlining and circling random things in things he reads...

Before he arrived I put "my precious" (AKA People magazine) out of harms way...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for my newspaper

Is Christmas over yet?

So this morning TW crawled into bed with me and was talking all about how excited that she is for Christmas to come...

She was babbling on and I wasn't really paying attention until she got to the Guitar part...

See - she has been asking for a Guitar and being the nice mommy I am I bought her one...

Seeing that she is 6.5 I figured she was talking about a "REAL" Guitar and I bought her a brown kid sized one...

this morning she was talking all about how she can't wait to get her pink pretend guitar

Say What Willis?

Pink...Pretend...Guitar

so I asked her what would happen if Santa brought her a brown Guitar...

in no uncertain terms she told me that she would be sad because she wants a pink pretend guitar like Miranda...

Who the hell is Miranda...

come to learn it is some little girl that was in her Kindergarten class...

I told her how will Santa know you want a PINK one since all you have been asking for is a Guitar

"Oh he will know Mommy - he knows everything - just like God"

{banging my head....banging my head}

so what does a good mommy do- hop on E-bay and track down Pink Guitars and make TW SHOW "Santa" what she wants...

and what does she want - a Pink Princess Guitar...

THANK the lord that I saw one at Tuesday Morning on Black Friday with my mom...one call to my "Santa" and she put her shoes on and went out the door to see if there were any left...

and I am awaiting the call that will hopefully bring joy to my little girl in 30 days...