seriously F-me....

and I am not talking to my husband here....

I am a big ol' computer LOSER to the n'th degree...

I know S*#T about computers so I ask myself "Self, why did you start a blog?"

answer is I don't really know...to get some frustration out...

well I have not a clue what HTML is - if I can cut, paste, copy and adjust I can do alright...so what did I do...

I added like 10 more websites to my sidebar...

I should have stopped there...but I didn't

I decided to see what othe things Blogger had to offer...

OH LOOK - a different looking template - why sure it will keep everything I just spent the past hour imputting - right...

NOPE - no f'n way....

so until I have another hour to fix my links...enjoy the basic Blogger ones

a little of this and a dash of that

ahhh....Christmas is almost here....the lights are up - the presents are bought - some are even wrapped and my house is starting to get tidy....

My kids are five so this is the perfect age for them to have adoration of all things Santa...

However this morning TW comes running into my room all bright eyed and bushy tailed, her hair looking like she got a late night vists from some gnawing rats...she was just so freakin excited and she was jumping up and down, clapping her hands in glee and shouting.....

JENNA IS COMING....JENNA IS COMING

and before you even ask - I might be mean but I didn't tell my girls that Santa had a sex change and is now going by the name Jenna Clause...

No Jenna is a very sweet college student that happens to work at my daughters daycare...now let me preface this by saying the Third child and I don't get a chance to go out very often - we don't have family (ahem AKA FREE babysitters) around - so when we do go out we have to save up for it - sort of like I guess Christmas...

So the Third Childs work party is tonight and of course last week he asked if WE could find a babysitter

• Ok Tanget Time....why is it men always seem to say WE...they don't really mean it - what they really mean is YOU...so why say WE....- I mean they sit there and say "Why don't WE plan to go out next week" - what they are really saying is "Hey I have an idea why don't WE go out - so that means you make all the plans, even though it is not your idea to go out and make sure you find a babysitter and oh yeah don't forget to remind me about OUR plans 50 bajillion times because I have the attention span of a gnat" .... do they add up all these supposed WE's in their little head - so when you are in the middle of an argument for the 50th time about he never makes plans he can whip out - "I make plans for US all the time....don't you remember when WE planned...."

anyway so I asked Jenna and lo and behold she is done with classes and she could babysit - told the girls and they are super excited

I asked TW who she is more excited about Jenna or Santa Clause.....her response - Jenna

Probably because Santa comes more often then Babysitters.... and he is a hell of a lot cheaper on the pocketbook then paying for 5 hours of babysitting...

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A Christmas Miracle???

A recent conversation with TW

TW: Mommy what do you want for Christmas
ME: Peace from my children
TW: Sorry Santa can't do that kind of magic...

so true...so true....

Girls and their muffies....

I started a bad habit...I have already introduced my girls to the glorious wonder that is a coffee shop - and I am not talking your run of the mill hole-in-the-wall .95 cents a cup coffee place...

I am talking about your overexposed, wallet bulging places...

My favorites - Starbucks (or Fourbucks as my astute friend Liz calls it) and Panera...

Being a hunting widow for most Saturdays in the fall and the spring I have found I function much better with a cup of coffee in the morning...but alas I lack the coffee making gene so I must go someplace and fork over an hours worth of salary to make me happy and yes it does make me happy and my girls know it...I was in line at Starbucks one day and PWG told the lady behind us "I don't know what is in the cup but it helps my mommy not yell as much" - I didn't know whether to be horrified or proud that she has such a great power of perception.


Anyway since I have PWG and TW tagging along every Saturday morning I sort of have to feed them and buy them some sort of liquid norishment...or else they would stand there and whine totally destroying the nirvana that my hot cup of Chai Tea or flavor of the month latte gives me

At Starbucks it is easy you have your choice of muffin, muffin, muffin and if you are lucky MAYBE a cheese danish...Blueberry muffin seems to be the food of choice when we partake of Starbucks

Now Panera is a whole other story because thier counter is FILLED with all sorts of breakfastesty goodness - one of which happens to be something called a muffie...yes a muffie - it is the Preppy Nicole Richie like cousin of your standard muffin...a small round flat disk of a muffin - a muffin on a diet I suppose - for those Seinfield fans...akin to the famous Muffin top....

Anyway PWG is enamored of the muffie - especially the Chocolate Chip one...(go figure a 5 year old that gets chocolate for breakfast - what's not to like) - so the other day as we are on our way out of town we stop at Panera to get some breakfast.

TW got a blueberry muffin (she is on some weird blueberry muffin kick lately) and PWG got a Chocolate Chip Muffie - I got a bagel with cream cheese because some old couple got the last Spinach and Articoke Baked Egg Souffle (I spent most of the time shooting eye daggers their way...because the S&A is da' bomb) ...now of course halfway through our meal both girls announced they had to go potty (naturally....) so we gathered everything up and went to the potty...and when we were done we all climbed in the car and I told them they could finish up eating while we were driving...

Then the conversation got very interesting...

PWG: I love Muffies - they taste so good

TW: Is your muffie soft?

PWG: Yep - you want a taste of my muffie

TW: Sure (takes a bite) - oh PWG I love your muffie

PWG: I love my muffie too...maybe next time you can get a muffie and I can eat some

TW: OK we will both get muffies so we can eat each others muffies

at the last comment I burst out laughing...so hard that i had tears streaming down my face...

I am a horrible, horrible mother....I kept thinking to myself...hey if they could bottle that conversation and have it in a bar about 15 years from now they would NEVER have to buy themselves another drink...

Ahh yes the picture....

The guilded $89 birthday card....

Drowning in the Gene Pool

My family is an odd one...I am sure many families have their weird Uncle Joe or thier crazy Aunt Sue...I just feel like sometimes my family has an overabundance of weirdos.

It may not be that the people themselves are weird...but they just do weird things.

Ok my great uncle who spent the 80's as a Boy George impersonator is weird...

This past Thanksgiving I spent time at my parents house with my sister and my Aunt and Uncle (mothers brother)...while there I learned my mother who can barely figure out how to work a cordless phone is appearently a TIVO savant - man those fingers were flying over that remote...because gosh forbid she doesn't TIVO all the Walker, Texas Ranger episodes in any given day the world might just implode.

Now my mom is holding her own...but looking down the line to where she is headed, i.e. my grandmother, the outlook isn't good...

While sitting around Thanksgiving night my aunt asked if I had seen my mothers birthday card from my grandmother...nope I hadn't...so she sent my uncle into the guestroom to get it...

Now my mother turned 60 this year - a big birthday...every year my grandmother gives all her kids the same thing for thier birthdays - a check for $100 - but not for my mothers 60th...oh no

My mother got a check for $11 - now you may ask "what happened to the other $89" of her $100 Birthday Check

My uncle appeared in the doorway with a piece of foam board about 3ft high by about 1.5 ft wide....in the middle was a picture of my mother with the wording Happy Birthday...the 60 was done up very nicely in the form of gold Sacagawea $1 coins...but oh no that wasn't all - the whole thing was framed in the gold coins...a total of 89 in all...SUPERGLUED to the foam board...

As soon as I can get the picture off my camera I promise I will post it - because a card such as this is just to yummy to keep all to myself...

I told my mother we should bring it with us when we went shopping on Black Friday...surely Target would be happy to accept a 4.5 square foot foam board worth $89 as payment?

A snapshot of my life

Right now I am sitting at my brand spanking new totally pimped out Dell computer....I just finished conversing via gmail with a good friend...PWG and TW are taking turns (nicely for a change) playing Reader Rabbit Kindergarden on their new (the computer formally known as mommy and daddy's) computer....the dog is snuffling the cat on the floor....and Lovely hubby is sitting in bed "reading" the latest copy of Playboy...

ah domestic bliss....

Ok before you'll call CPS on me...DH does have the cover of the Playboy covered up with one of his hunting magazines (whats better for a 5 year old to see...a little T&A busting out of a skimpy bikini or a dead deer???) and he is actually reading the Dixie Chicks interview and BOTH hands are completely visible...

What a bunch of pissers...

Last night one of the damn cats pissed on our bed - not once - not twice but three F'n times...the first time thank good we have like 10 million covers on our bed so it barely got to the mattress top - I sprayed the heck out of the top with Natures Secret and then put a thick towel down and put new covers on - the second time we managed to grab him right at the start of the stream but we still had to remove the blanklet and sheets - we then put them in the bathroom - until about 4:50am when I couldn't stand the meowing and whailing (BTW I didn't get to sleep until 2am last night) and I let them out thinking surely they won't pee again....

oh yes one did...this time it was in almost the exact same spot as the first time...luckly both my LEGS!!!!!! (nothing like being woken up by warm pee running down your legs....not somuch into bedroom watersports) and the towel I had put down previously caught the pee... so we stripped the bed yet once again (this makes the third time)

Back into the bathroom they went - Lovely Hubby went to the guest room to sleep and I curled up on my bare matteress with our last lone blanket curled up in the fetal position with a pillow over my head to drown out the yowling....

You know they could have peed anywhere else and I would have gotten upset but would have dealt with it - but F' with the most expensive thing (my 3K matteress & no I didn't actually pay that much for it but still....) I have ever bought for my home and some kitty ass is getting whooped!!!!!!

I told Lovely Hubby that last night was only second to the night he fell down the stairs and had to be taken to the trauma center at a hospital in the city via ambulance all the while while I am talking with the periamedics (who thought LH might have broken his neck) I get thrown up on by both my children because they both had the stomach flu...that was the worst night...last night is only second to that....and considering I survived the first year of motherhood of twins and we had some nasty nights...

So when I get home I have 3 more loads of comforters and sheets to do - I need to find someplace I can take my down comforter to be cleaned (I was planning on doing this anyway - the kitty pee just forces me to actually take action) and I will be going to Kohls to get a jumbo waterproof top sheet for my bed JUST IN CASE this ever happens again...or I am clumsy and spill my tea all over my bed

I am going to try changing thier cat litter to a different brand and see if that works - I know which kitty did it all too - it was Max....this morning he walked right by me and took a big dump in his litter box...but appearently he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to pee on my bed of all the f'n places....if he wants to pee on a bed why couldn't he have peed on the girls beds - at least they have plastic covered matteresses

Why I will never be PTA President

The other day i got an e-mail from a friend - in it she stated she was having a bad day and needed cheering up...

so I sent her the following... my personal favorite is the last one...

Of Cats Asses and Big Butts

Last Friday I got a rare treat – a date with my husband…no kids…no worries. On our way to our dinner we started discussing our cats…

We got 2 kittens about 5 months ago – a grey tabby and an orange tabby. Both have slowly become a part of our family. The orange one is my husband’s favorite – he curls up with him…he snuggles with him. The grey one is quite honestly one of the best cats I’ve ever owned – if you can get past the fact he likes to pee on Mermaid Barbie in our girls bathtub (who knows maybe Barbie really enjoys that type of water sport???) – he has our dog wrapped around his little paw – he will flop down in front of the dog and the dog will nuzzle it’s little belly…all he has to do is meow and the dog comes right to his side…I swear if they had the proper parts they would mate…In addition the grey one is perfect around the kids – he lets the girls do whatever they want to him – be it put him in a stroller and push him around…dress him up like the wolf dressed as Granny and play out the story of the Three Little Pigs…I do think one day he will crack if he hasn’t already – I can sort of see it in his eyes when the girls go to grab him – I can almost hear him saying to himself “They’re coming…go to the happy place…go to the happy place” – I may be the first person to own a cat with multiple personalities in a few years

Anyway we have found that the cats have the gastric equivalent of my husband…meaning they can clear a bathroom in under 2.7 seconds. Both my husband and I were discussing how such small creatures can make odors an such a grandiose scale. This got us into a discussion about air freshers – because I think I have tried just about everyone out there under $5…I remarked that they needed to have an air fresher scale…a scale made up of cat asses…have a small stink – use Febreeze with a one cat ass rating – a larger stink – move up to Glad plug-ins with a two Cat Ass rating….

I have yet to come across a GREAT freshener – one with say a Cat Ass rating of 5…because that is what I think I need…the closet thing I have come across is Bath and Body works room sprays…Cat Ass rating of 3.97

Thanks to http://www.nataliedee.com/

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This morning I was helping TW put on some jeans…only problem was the jeans were a size 6X and well my daughter has no ass…so I told her she had a skinny butt and pulled out another pair of jeans from her drawer…her response

“When I am a mommy I’ll have a big butt just like you”

To think I couldn’t wait for the day she would utter her first word….

Three tickets = $90

but the look on PWG face the moment Tinkerbelle hit the ice in her skates for the start of Disney Princesses on Ice made the $90 seem like such a very small price to pay....

In front of us sat a mother and daughter - both wearing princess crowns with ears they were selling for $10 a pop... what made them unique among the crowd of mothers and daughters was the daughter looked to be about 14 ....

I can only hope and pray when my girls are teenagers they would still want to go see Disney Princesses on Ice with me...no matter what the cost.

Frolicking animals strike again!!!

So the other day I am in my backyard weeding out a flowerbed when much to my amazement I see two grasshoppers going at it - right on my big thing-a-migger plant (have no clue what it is...) - of course PWG is right by my side and looks at said grasshoppers and asks me what they are doing...my standard reply "Why honey they are just frolicking" to which her reply was "wow lots of animals frolick"

See about a year and a half ago we were at a local park - this park is really a hidden gem - lots of green space, a kiddie petting park and a beautiful nature center that houses 2 otters (do you see where I am going) - on a previous trip they had a nature center specialist answering questions - one of the questions about the two otters was "Can they mate?" - the answer "Technically no" - the specialist explained that they were in fact two different species of otters but since one was male and one was female there parts did "cooperate" and they could "have fun". Some snickering from the adults in the crowd and lots of puzzled faces on the wee ones...

Well the next time we went we went to see the otters and they were awake and playing with each other in the water...then...OMG...what are those otters doing - and right up against the clear glass wall of all places...my daughters naturally curious asked "mommy what are the otters doing???" - trying to keep my cool as I tried to avert my eyes from the Otter porn that was playing out in front of me I simply said "Oh they are frolicking" - which elicited snickers from the other adults who also couldn't tear their eyes away from the scene as well...of course just as I said that the female otter manged to wrench herself out from underneath the male and left him with his Otter hard-on pressed up against the glass...Luckly, both girls had become engrossed in another exhibit so I didn't have to explain about Otter joysticks.

Fast forward to this past May and our trip to Seaworld...oh yes home to many a marine mammal...lots and lots of frolicking going on there...so the girls got the frolicking speech at the Manetee habitat, the dolphin habitat and my favorite one because much like the Otters...we got to see first hand penis up against glass...the Walrus habitat - actually the poor Walruses don't have mates - they have big plastic buoy things with holes in them for thier mating pleasures....

So appearently if you want to teach your kids about the birds and the bees - you don't need a book or a video...simply point them outdoors and show them what nature has to offer...

Word to the wise

Two things that should NEVER mix

5 years olds & the fragrance section at Kohls

one moment I had 2 giggling girls...the next i had two giggling girls that smelled like...well what i would imagine a french whore would smell like.

A month...that's nothing in a world of Chaos

So someone recently pointed out to me that it has been a month since I last posted and sure enough it has...unfortunatley me expressing myself on the internet for all the world to share in my life takes the absolute backseat to other going ons in my life...such as

MY BABIES STARTED KINDERGARTEN

WAHHHHHHHHHH

Yes my sweet, innocent (wait a second...let me laugh - HA HA HA) little girls now have backpacks almost as big as them, ride a bus, write in journals, learn basic math, play on computers, hit boys, wiggle, etc....

I know you are saying WHOA.....hit boys???? wiggle???? what type of K are your girls in????

Well let's start with the Hitting Boys...

Apparently PWG has been putting the smack-down on some poor little boy the past two days. See the girls are in two different class, which means me having to deal with two different teachers who can't seem to get in-synch with what they are teaching (a whole tanget I am not going to go into today) - anyway PWG class get numbers every day with 5 being the highest you can get...so on Monday she comes home with a 4 and a short scribble from the teacher saying she hit a boy...so we have the talk...about how it is Ok to be angry but you should never hit anyone....I asked why she hit him and she said "he was bothering me" - Oh honey...such a lesson to learn at such a young age "BOYS ARE ALWAYS A BOTHER"...so I thought our little talk cleared everything....ummm nope not so much - last night she comes home with a 3 - not only did she hit said boy AGAIN but she also scribbled on the table with crayon - EI YI YI - so yet again we had the talk about the biy and that if he bothers her again to just walk away and tell a teacher...

Part of me feels a little hypocritcal...considering in probably about 10 years I'll be telling her if a boy "bothers" her to smack him upside his head.

I just want to know how PWG has all of a sudden gone from my sweet baby to my Million Dollar Baby?

And the wiggling....such a fun topic...

Well about a month ago I noticed TW (who BTW has lost a total of 3 teeth now - PWG = none) laying on the floor of our living room on her stomach and she was wiggling her butt back and forth - I really thought nothing of it because I myself am a fidgety type person who can't seem to stay still. Then my hubby saw it and looked at me with panic stricken eyes and slowly mouthed the words "What. The. Hell. Is. She. Doing!" - so then the conversation proceeded along these lines

ME: Whatcha; doing sweetie

TW: Wigglin'

ME: Why are you wigglin'

TW: Because it feels good (at this point Hubbies eyes get real wide and he stumbles out of the room)

ME: Where does it feel good

TW: (points to her hoo-ha)

ME: OH!

So after consulting some other mommies and various internet sites I came to the conclusion that my child is not over-sexed at age 5 and that what she is doing is normal (in moderation). We ended up having a talk and told her that it was fine if she wiggled but that it was something private and should be done in her room, good thing we have Berber carpet thoughout...

As far as I can tell she only seems to want to wiggle when Sesame Street comes on...which is making me look at Oscar the Grouch and Bob the shopkeeper in a whole different light now...

Friday Discussion - Men's Bowels

Seriously....I can't really stand this anymore.....

WHY WHY WHY does it take men 20+ minutes to unload their load????

I mean I don't know about the rest of you but when I feel the urge to unload I go into the bathroom, sit down and well....unload....

I have asked my DH is in the past WHY it takes so long...his response "I just have to wait for it"....

WTF....are mens thinking such they just say - "hummm now is a good time to take a rest and since at some point today I'll have to take a dump might as well sit bare-ass naked on the toilet seat and man multi-task"????

anyone got an answer to this question...cause I have already searched WebMD and can't come up with a vaild diagnosis...

BTW...say a little prayer for me this weekend - I get to attend a Family Reunion for my FIL side of the family...I am scared...very, very scared....

Woo Woo - Conductor of the idiot train...

So this past weekend - while hubby was on his MANTASTIC weekend - I went into a cleaning mode...don't ask me what i ate...I don't know - if I did I would make sure I never ate it again.

So I began in my bedroom - I stripped the sheets and changed the bed. I gathered up all my laundry and put it in a basket - see I do my own clothes separately from everyone elses - after a few mishaps on hubby's part and me winding up with clothing that barely fit TW and PWG's Cabbage Patch Dolls (one of which now sports a fabulous $80 wool sweater) - I took matters into my own hands and do my own clothing separately - this allows me to wash my clothing on Cold with special Tide Coldwater detergent and tumble dry on low...so getting back to my story - I gather up all my clothes...all my nice summer T-shirts, all my shorts (that fit), 2 skirts, 3 lightweight sweaters and two pairs of pants...go downstairs and throw them in the washing machine.

I headed back upstairs and PWG helped me weed through the remaining shirts in my dresser...it was time - time I grew up and got rid of some of my T-shirts - my well loved T-shirts with holes and rips and stains...I did shed a tear when I put my beloved "You can always retake a class but you can never relive a party" T-shirt with dancing dead bears - but the time had come...I did however keep my "Co-Ed Naked Bar Hopping" T-shirt - so it has a small tear and a few holes...it has MEMORIES!!!!!

I did manage to pare down my T-shirt collection - some T-shirts were just to old, to stained, to 90's to continue to be in my collection...

then the washer buzzed and I trooped down to laundry room and threw everything in the dryer - set on low and away we go...

the next day I realized at about 5pm when I needed a pair of shorts all my clothes were still down in the dryer... So I grabbed a basket and started throwing my dry clothes in the basket - when everything was removed I looked in the dryer - all on the inside of the dryer was purple markings...I scratched my head and thought WTF is that...shrugged my shoulders and went upstairs

I get upstairs and look down at the basket of freshly washed clothes and notice a blue spot on my white shirt...WTF - pull it out - a bunch of blue spots...

OH F'N NO

Pulled out EVERY SINGLE SHIRT - alllllllll of then have some splotch of blue on them - and of course the splotches can't be by the hem or under the arm - oh no...because it is ME - they are all over the front of every shirt in my basket - my lightweight sweaters all ruined....I am frantcially searching for what made the mess...then I pull out my cute chocolate brown cargo pants - and there clipped to the side pocket is a blue gel pen...ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Shat!

Somehow...I don't know how...all my shorts and my skirt managed to escape being ruined by the ink...along with one lonely shirt...the shirt which happened to be my FAVORITE...

so I stand there at about 5pm looking at a pile of ruined clothes...all my comfy T-shirts...the T-shirts I love because they aren't tight...they go past the twin skin belly and hit me right at the right length...

Thankfully - hubbie had taken TW and PWG off my hands so I didn't kill them (earlier in the day we went to the mall to get First Day of School outfits - needless to say as we were leaving the store both of them had temper tantrum break-downs...if you have ever had the privilage of trying to remove one 5 year old from a public mall while she is flailing about - try it with two...it might change your mind about whalloping your kid on the butt...we were at the door and a very nice young man held the door for us...after which he muttered to himself "never forget condoms"...I am glad that my children are birth control for others...) so I ran to our local strip mall which happily had both a Lane Bryant and a Target - ran to LB and grabbed 3 basic T-shirts and then hit Target and got another shirt, a pair of shorts and a jean skirt...

While it is nice to buy new clothes...I just wish I hadn't boarded the idiot train on Saturday... I would have rather spent that $70 on something more fun....or frivilous....

FREE Panties...

I just love that word...FREE (did ya think I meant panties...)

The other day a good friend of mine - C - called - she has been stuck at home on baby duty since her precious little one arrived in the beginning of June...anyway she needed to escape and I was only to happy to obilige - especially since hubby is going on a MANTASTIC weekend with friends (which includes C's hubby as well) - so we agreed to meet at the mall...

The mall that sucks me dry every time I go because they have a Nordstoms and well Nordstorms has a Philosophy counter and well if you have read some of my pasts posts - I am a Philosophy HO...anyway I scurried around my kitchen island sorting through weeks of junk mail to find what I was looking for...A FREE Breath product with any $15 purchase at Bath and Bodyworks and a FREE panty at Victoria's Secret - SCORE!!! do the FREE dance.

So off I go to meet C at Dilliards...where she was looking for some clothes to get her through the next month until she goes back to work - we scour the sale racks and nothing...usually I am a good deal good luck charm but I guess not last night.

Anyway off to Coldstone Creamery for a treat...a treat I gladly indulged in because I had my WW weigh-in for the week an hour and a half earlier and EVERYBODY knows points eaten within 5 hours after weigh-in don't count...The Hawaiian Smoothie I got was da' bomb.

Then it was off to B&BB so I could get my FREE breath product - OK not really FREE because I did have to buy something - but I did actually need some Antibacterial hand soap per the Kindergarten registration list - so in reality I was FORCED to go to B&BB - and wouldn't you know it all soaps 5 for $15...my Good Deal radar was once again working...got my soap...got some delicious Breath gradiual sunless tanning lotion (for the wicked winter white skin of mine) and we were off...

to Victoria's Secret...now let me tell you I have only been in a VS a handful of times in my life - they don't exactly cater to those of us that are pleasantly plump...not saying people who are pleasantly plump don't shop at VS...they do...however many of them stretch the boundries of the spandex that VS uses in their items...I have gotten the FREE panties coupon in the mail previously and have passed them along to friends - a lot skinner friends...but considering I am offically no longer a size 16 (that's right...14's baby and even those are a little loose sometimes) I figure I might give it a whirl...the coupon also had an offer for $10 off any BODY bra...I looked down at my girls and decided they needed something new and pretty too...so I tried on a few bras and found one that worked well...then it was off to the panties...

NOW...the panties in question for FREE are the no frills (darn it you mean it doesn't include the pink leopard print thong with the heart cut out and the bow - I am crushed...) basic color cotton panties...which is fine with me - I am a basic kinda girl...but here is the thing - in my heart of hearts I am a Jockey Girl - I know I am a Size 6 in Jockey but how does that translate to Victoria Secret...so C and I sat there and pondered the sizes of VS underwear...we immediately threw out the extra-small, small and medium options...which left us with Large and Extra-Large...so we sat there - measured each against the other - took into consideration the size of my ass and the shrinkage factor of the underwear themselves...then I looked around...nothing in the store is deigned for a person larger than a 14...so that was easy Extra-large it was...if nothing else they could become my "Fat Day" panties...and besides they were FREE...

On the way out I tried my best to avoid Nordstorms...but I couldn't resist...$35 later i have a new Philiosophy Hair Care system...DAMN you Philiosophy....DAMN you Liz...ok Liz I don't Damn you - I luv ya...but you pimped me out girl...

So today I sit in my New Panties...which fit quite nicely and hubby liked the way it covered my ass (probably happy it covered the cellulite)...I think they will be perfect after a run through a very hot dryer and my girls are happily ensconced in their new desert sand colored $42 house (ok $32 with the coupon...DAMN that is a lot of money to spend on a Bra...)...tonight my hair will get it's first taste of expensive hair products...and for this my family will be subsiding on Spagetti and mac & cheese for the remainder of the month...

The days of my life...

I know it has been awhile since I last posted- that is the way it goes when your life is full of chaos...I figured I would write a little of this and a little of that.

RAISING PLAYERS

At the beginning of daycamp TW informed me that she had a boyfriend...and that i had to buy a ring for said boyfriend and she would wear my wedding dress and they would get married...it touched me that she wanted to wear my wedding dress but I told her she would have to wait until she was older...she seemed fine with that. I asked what her boyfriends name was and she told me Cody...

Fast forward to 2 weeks later and she informs me she has TWO boyfriends...the afore mentioned Cody and now Will - however TW and PWG got into a heated discussion about Will - not because PWG wanted him but she informed her sister that Will was Laura's boyfriend and TW couldn't have him - TW shrugged her shoudlers and said" I am a twin so I have to share" - I knew one day that line would come back to bite me. Anyway this was all a moot point a week later when Laura told Will during a classmates birthday party that he was not her boyfriend anymore...ah the angst of 5 year old love.

So last week TW informs me she has THREE boyfriends...Cody, Will and get this..."the tall kid in Unit A" - yep she is definately a player - doesn't even know the kids name...just "the tall kid"

...gee how exciting will her teenage years be for me

THE VA-JAY-JAY CHRONICLES

I have been successful in changing the subject when one of my girls points to thier va-jay-jay's and ask what it is used for...however I know soon I am not going to be able to dodge that bullet...if anyone knows of a tactful way to explain to a 5 year old what a va-jay-jay is without me having to turn to the cartoon porn that is "Where did I come from" please let me know

FOR ONCE

I applaud the writers of Rolie Polie Olie...a show I truely dispise - although not as much as the weirdo doodlebops...yesterday I let my girls watch it - we haven't seen it in well over a month - well it was da' bomb...the parents switched places with the kids and proceeded the throw a tantrum because they wanted to play the game "Pick-up all the crap on the floor" and got into a fight because kid dad wanted to watch Golf while kid mom wanted to watch the news...they demanded peas and carrots and lots and lots of ruffage for dinner...and when bedtime rolled around they threw a fit because they wanted to go to bed RIGHT NOW and of course the bedtime story - reading from the daily newspaper...the kids thinking this was going to be a great day wind up laying on the ground totally wiped out after kid mom and dad go to bed....ha ha ha ha - let's see watching shows you don't want to watch - playing games you don't want to play...eating stuff you don't like....reading a story you dispise...you got it right RPO writers - you must be parents yourself - thumbs up to an enjoyable episode...you have a long way to go before it is Jimmy Neutron caliber...but because of this episode I might just let my children watch you again sooner rather than later.

CLERKS II

For anyone that is a Kevin Smith fan - you HAVE to see this movie - I recently did a babysitting swap with a friend for the express purpose of getting out of my house so I could see this movie...I loved every single minute of it...some quotes to leave you with

"Pillowpants is the name of her pussy troll"
"She's Kinky Kelly I'm the stud"
"Go-bots are the K-mart of Transformers"
"We like to call it inter-species erotica"
"They're not gay they're hobbits"

Seriously I could make a fortune...

On Tuesday my husband underwent sinus surgery - a fairly simple outpatient procedure that takes about an hour to do...the Dr. came out to tell me how it went (GREAT!) and to tell me my husband had one of the worst noses he had ever seen inside...

Appearantly it was broken in three different places...the septum was totally pushed over on one side so he wasn't getting airflow on one side...the Dr. said he should feel a lot better after the surgery - I am just hoping that he doesn't snore anymore I could quite frankly care less about the % of airflow going up between his nostrils.

After about an hour in recovery I was allowed back to see him and get my instructions from the nurse...yes I did say instructions.

Turns out they don't really sew you up - they just let you bleed and how they stauch this bleeding is by taping a rolled gauze pad up under your nose...

Now being a woman I am quite familiar with blood coming from small openings...sorry if this grosses you out - but I am very frank and it is the god's honest truth...

so my job was to change the "pad" every hour or so as it got soaked with blood...something so very enjoyable - NOT!!!!

so you had to roll these gauze pads up and then strap it on with a strip of tape...at one point I told my husband I was going to get one of my maxipads and park it under his nose...he did not find that amusing...

However...the blasted thing is designed to absorb blood from small holes - if Always or Kotex really thought about it and made super mini maxi pads for medical use they could really make a bundle...

I have already figured out the design for sinus surgery - nice and thick in the middle with adhesive "wings" on both ends - just plop the pad up under your nose and adhere the wings to either side of your nose...no more nasty rolled gauze no more ripping tape...and the plus side your upper lip will smell springtime fresh...

anyone got the number for Kotex Product Development...

Copulating Female Dog

So today I went off to meet my husband to sign some paperwork at a local bank branch. Instead of walking the 10 blocks in the 90 heat I decided to drive, whereas my husband who works a mere 3 blocks walked - so I round the corner that the bank is on and see my husband standing in the street along the side of the road saving me a place...

Very sweet of him but I would think after being together for say oh a dozen or so years he should know I parallel park about as well as I run marathons (for those that barely know me I am pretty sure I would rather get eaten by a lion then run more than 50 yards - I think it would be far less painful)...so I go around and around the block waiting for someone on the side street to pull out...see the side streets are intersected by driveways so you get 1 maybe 2 cars along the side...pulling between a car and air - not a problem for me...pulling between 2 cars...serious problem

So after my 4th or 5th time around I spy an empty spot and nudge myself in...as I am getting out of the car a little beat up car pulls up along side my car and the women inside proceeds to forcefully yell to me

"Copulating Female Dog"

and then speed off with her "Jesus Loves You" license plate frame flapping in the wind...

I am going to assume, since I had never laid eyes on this woman before today, that she must have seen the spot after she past it and was going around the block and found me in it...

umm ok...I burst out laughing while I have been called many things in my life "Copulating Female Dog" is not one them...

I am going to go with the theory she was calling me a F'n B*@#%...but for some reason her love of Jesus, attested by her license plate frame, does not allow her to use profanity in a vulgar way?

Either way it costs a lot of $$$

This past week I have gotten a bunch of compliments...about my weight....

I have previously written about how within the past year and a half I have lost about 40 lbs...a majority of that between last Feb and November of 05...

A few weeks ago I went back on WW - forked over the money - got my little weekly coupons and settled back in - I knew this time around it would be harder for me to loose the weight at a nice clip - I have totally changed my eating habits so I am already eating the "proper" foods - now it is just a matter of tweaking the portion sizes and evaluating what I am eating every day...after all I will never deprive myself of a treat every now and then - I just have to adjust what I eat around that treat.

So anyway so far 4 weeks in I have lost a grand total of 5 lbs...I am NOT complaining as that is 25% to my goal of losing 20 lbs this go round.

But over the past week people have been commenting about how good I have been looking and that I seem to be doing really well with my diet...I know 5 lbs is nothing to sneeze at but at my current weight that is like letting loose a few drops from the overflowing rain bucket...

Now about a week or so ago is when I dropped a wad o' cash on expensive Clinque makeup and fancy Philosophy Undercover stuff...I have to say this stuff is awesome and makes my face look terrific...

so I am thinking people are looking at me and seeing me with this great face now...far far fewer blemishes (been doing the whole Philosophy Acne skin care regimen for about 2 months now - great results - still get erruptions now and then but overall my skin is a lot better and not tight...anyway lets just leave it as I am a Ho and Philosophy is my pimp daddy...) and realizing something has changed...since they know I am on a diet they go for the diet angle...

So if I break it down right now it stands at $19 for every compliment I've gotten...now if I can get it down to about $5 a compliment it will be money well spent...

A little this a a little that *edited for Clarification

SATURDAY REVISTED

going back to the mall this past weekend - after my friend Liz left I wandered around the mall for a little while longer - I happened upon these very interesting pair of panties...

they were cute...they were ruffly...they were crotchless...they were $58!!!!

so for $58 you get a tiny dress for your coochie...and you know they only serve one purpose...it's not like you are going to be dressing for work and say

• Skirt - Check
• Blouse - Check
• Bra - Check
• Ruffled crotchless undies - Check

I can think of so many better things to spend $58 on...like a nice serving platter...

I'M PRETTY

Four year olds say the darnest things....While picking my girls up from day camp yesterday one of the little 4 year olds came up to me - she asked me if I was PWG and TW mommy...and I said Yes...then she told me I was really pretty...awwwww shucks...she made my day :)

PHASES 1 & 2

Just for Liz

PHASE 1: Talking like your mother...you know you have made the first transition into actually becoming your mother when phrases like "Don't make me tell you again"...."Close the door do you think we live in a barn" and the always popular "Because I said so" comes flying out of your mouth...it becomes far worse when you actually spout mommyisms without thinking things through...like the other day when i told PWG to pick something up and she just started whining...automatically from my mouth came the phrase "What's the matter with you - your arm broken?" and sadly yes...her arm is broken...at least I had a good chuckle combined with a small hiccup of a cry fully realizing that I am far beyond Phase 1

*PHASE 2: Drinking like your mother...sure when we all are given the go-ahead to drink and we go to bars and such we choose all these wonderful exotic concoctions made up of 27 different types of liqour...things with names like "Super Porn Star" and "Banana Slammer" and "The Shaking O"...but then you get older...wiser...and realize that you don't like waking up with the impression of the toilet seat ringing your face...so you become more sedate in your drinking...and you start drinking the "grown up" drinks - the ones that are usually only served up with one type of alcohol - the ones with the safe names like "gin and tonic"..."jack and coke" or the one that I now drink...the one that my mother drinks..."Amaretto"...I

Can I get this in a size Oompa Loompa

On Saturday I got the pleasure of meeting up with one of my friends - Liz (http://buildermama.blogspot.com/) yeah I haven't learned to do all that HTML stuff yet...

Anyway Liz and I met up at one of our local malls...the "expensive" one - the one that houses places like Crate and Barrel, Aurhaus, Pottery Barn, and Nordstroms...one of the reasons we picked this place was for the sheer fact that Nordstoms carrys Philosophy products and since Liz previously "forced" me into buying over $100 worth of face stuff from Philosophy I subsequently have become a Philosophy Ho I needed my fix of the face wash...

But ah not so simple to walk in and just buy what I needed - no sir re...I ended up forking over about $80 for a face kit and then...Clinque...foundation and blush - why because there was a FREE gift...in addition to being a Philosophy Ho it turns out I am also a FREE gift Ho...so now I have some nice expensive foundation and blush...but I do have to say it does do wonders for my face...but sadly there is no going back now...I don't think I can ever again buy foundation at CVS with my $1 off coupon...now I'll be stalking Clinque and biding my time until they have thier FREE gifts...I have begun the next phase in my life "Phase Three: Makeup like your mother"...I however will not complete the phase in full because I do not own Blue frosted eyeshadow and never will

I shudder at the thought of the next phase "Phase Four: Dressing like your mother"...a phase I shall do my best to by-pass because I really don't ever want to own a sweater with an embroidered Christmas Tree - nor do I have a jonesing to own Christmas Lightbulb dangling earrings...

Anyway after both of us made the salesladies day we went off to the Cheesecake factory for a bite to eat...ohhh so sinfully delicious at the end...we shared a slice of Chocolate Coconut cheesecake...I could actually hear my hips screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

After a bite to eat we walked around the mall - which led us to Ann Taylor - where I tried on a very pretty dress - unfortunatly it made me look like I was smuggling piglets on my hips...

See...my body is mutated...I am what you would refer to a zaftig...big boned...plush...fluffy...I have a somewhat smallish waist with these huge birthing hips...and to top it off I am on the short side...imagine if you will someone took an Oompa Loompa and put them on a stretcher...that would be me...so I go to try on pants...they fit in the hips but I could literally tuck a midget in the back of my waistband...the pants I can find that fit me in the waist are usually so tight accross the hips they pull at the crotch and well if you have read my other musings you would know my sworn motal enemy is the camel-toe...I will NEVER, EVER go there...quite frankly I wish it was outlawed and I had the power to make a citizens camel-toe arrest...oh what happy day that would be...to be able to walk down the street and not be offended by camel toes...

anyway so the long story short is I am a mutant and I am waiting for the day I can flip through the racks at a store and find a size Oompa Loompa...

Freak Me

I am a channel surfer...I can not stand to be bored with commercials...so I flip...with this in regards to the remote I am the MAN in our little family...however, unlike the opposite sex I do not stop on shows that feature some historical event as the main topic nor do I stop on shows where wild birds and guns are the featured performers.

I am a reality junkie...and when I say reality I don't mean all the Let's have an Amazing Race to see who will be the Apprentice Survivor and find the Treasure...I mean the mind numbing candy shows...give me Newlyweds, The Girls Next Door and yes...even The Simple Life. I find it amusing to watch others stupidity...appearantly I am not alone in that fact or else these shows would not be on the air, right?

One of my favorite shows on currently is Mind Freak with Criss Angel - which is on A&E on Wed at 10pm...seriously this man is amazing...and if I may say so - sort of a hottie man in a "bad boy lets' get it on on a rooftop" sort of way.

So last night I was flipping (natch) between Mind Freak and another freaky show - America's Got Talent...I do have to say some of America does have talent...the rest though are well - just freaks...although I did enjoy the breakdancing cow - but the "Shadow dancers" - with the love triangle that involved a minature pony...so not NBC...more like Skin-a-max - seriously freaky...but not as freaky as Criss Angel

Most of his tricks are just illusions...but man...what illusions they are. If he was doing them on a stage I could pick it apart - trap door there...mirror here and viola. HOWEVER, most of his tricks take place as he walks around various Las Vegas locals...casinos, parking lots, parks, etc...and they are not simple flash of the hand type tricks either, among some of the more amazing things he did

• impale himself on a wrought iron fence in front of a group of people
• made a HUGE elephant disappear in the middle of a parking lot while a group of people held hands in a circle around him
• cut himself in half and have people walk between him and under him
• made himself disappear in the middle of a public park
• smashed a beer bottle and cell phone together so that the cell phone wound up INSIDE the beer bottle - to get it out he broke open the beer bottle
• walked on water - while he had people swim in front of him, behind him and under him
• levitate people on the street
• levitated between two buildings

yes yes yes I know it all illusions...but how....in the middle of public places....using things that people on the street give him and just surprising people here and there...sure he could have people "planted" in certain areas, with props for some of the illusions...but others...it is definately a MIND FREAK

if you want to watch some amazing television...check him out

http://crissangel.com

B-E-A-UTIFUL....

So TW and PWG started day camp this week...their little chests are so puffed up and thier little throats raw as they tell everyone they meet that they are "big girls" now

Last week they "graduated" from their pre-K class at daycare...this thrust them into the world of the BIG kids and the summer day camp that the daycare runs...

at first I was a little weary...after all they are only 5...and fairly newly 5 at that...

then I got the list of activities...swimming, bowling, baseball games, trips to the ice cream parlor...movies...heck I want to be a kid again....

but then I thought man they are going from a class of 12 kids and 2 teachers into a day camp unit of 20 (ages 5-7)...with only 2 teachers over all those kids...could they handle it? Will they be ok?

Monday evening we picked them up - and thier eyes were bright and shiney and they couldn't stop talking about everything they did that day...most of which consisted of a field trip to the local snow shack and some coloring...

but the absolute best thing...the thing that I will forever be grateful for daycamp...

BOTH of them were in bed and ASLEEP by 8:15 pm....sweet heaven above I thought I heard the angels singing on high...

and yesterday they went to a local baseball game...in bed...ASLEEP by 8:10 pm

THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU daycamp....

ISO - Two slightly used Murry Lawnmower headlights

So last night Hubby goes to mow the lawn...the last time we did it was about 2 weeks ago...we have a riding lawn mower.

he mows the front and then I go outside to tell him dinner is ready..

he asks me if I did anything with the lawn mower headlights...

my response "The lawn mower has headlights"

so then he lifts up the hood and shows me - the headlight wires have been pulled out and the headlight bulbs are missing...WTF - he said he noticed the wires hanging out of the hood when he went to start up the lawn mower and opened the hood and found no lightbulbs

Our first thought was maybe the girls did something...so we ask them they deny it - then TW says she did it so we ask her to come out and show us what she did - well the little thing isn't even big enough to

A) Lift the hood of the mower...
B) and her arms aren't long enough to reach where the bulbs were...

So we feel that there is no possible way she could have done anything to the lawn mower....plus the fact that the girls have been inbred with Catholic guilt anytime they accidently break something or do something they know is wrong they come to us right away with thier little lower lip out, big puppy dog eyes and the words "I'm so sorry I didn't mean it" - so if she had done something with the headlights she would have come and told us (after the fact of course).

so the question is....

Did someone hop our 5 ft fence, jimmy open our shed and steal our lightbulbs?...we have combo locks on the inside of all three fence doors, mainly we did it as a precaution so the girls couldn't get out of the backyard when they are playing back there and no one could just open a door and walk into our backyard

I am thinking maybe someone was trying to steal our lawnmower and pulled the wrong wires....our dog is outside during the day and has a dog pen with a dog house but she doesn't stay in there she has free roam in the whole yard and the garage (doggie door to garage) - most of the time her lazy ass is on her bed in the garage so it is possible someone could be in our backyard + the fact that she would intially bark and then probably go over and plop down on her back looking for a tummy rub...oh yeah we have such a vicious guard dog.

So they could have pulled the wires which caused the bulbs to pop out and then Ms. Lazy Bitch surprised them and they ran with the bulbs??? Nothing else seems to be missing from the shed - maybe they saw the half mounted turkey ass DH has sitting on the workbench and thought we might be into some sort of satanic turkey rituals???

To top it all off our house sits on a corner lot on a fairly traveled intersection - trees for the most part are non-exsistant on 3 sides of our property and we have no house behind us so our backyard is open for all to see...a person would have to be pretty stupid to try and steal something from our backyard...then again only the lawnmower light bulbs are missing...so stupidity is looking mighty good here...

We are going to talk to our next door neighbors (retired couple who stay home all day) and our neighbors in the cul-de-sac behind us (SAHM) and ask them to be on the lookout...

Seriously weird....

And yes...my world is full of chaos....

Oye...it has been a very rough week...

Let's see last week Pantiewad girl broke her arm...

I was just finishing up lunch on Tuesday - 6/6/06 BTW - when I get a call from the director at daycare...which of course is never a good thing...so I am thinking GREAT one of my kids threw up...has a fever...pissed herself and I forgot a change of clothes...

Nope...the information I receive threw me into a tizzy...

"I regret to inform you we think Pantiewad broke her arm"

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Of course I told them I would be right there and out the door I flew...on my way out I babbled something incoherant to my supervisor - lucky my co-worker overheard the phone conversation and was able to translate.

Got to the daycare in under 20 minutes (let's not even try to guess how much I broke the speed limits) and learned she had fallen off the Monkey Bars...on the brand new playground that the kids were allowed on for the first time that VERY DAY! The playground that was designed for the "older" school-aged kids...the playground had I known they were going to let the Pre-K's on it I would have told the teachers that my girls were not allowed on the Monkey Bar part...anyway that is neither here nor there - it happened and I can't reverse time (because if I could I would reverse it all the way back to the bad Pepe Lopez night...I sure would like to look at Cheerios without gagging - another story for another time - let's just say...learn a lesson from me and stay away from cheap tequila)

As a parent you ALWAYS have this scenerio in the back of your mind about what you are going to do the first time your kid breaks something or comes to you gushing blood from a nice gash somewhere on their body...you think you will be calm and rational and orderly...and all that goes out of the window when it actually happens to your kid...

Well off we went to the ER - PW girl was a trooper all gussied up in a split fashioned from a Nick Jr. magazine and some masking tape...I have to say the ER we went to was fantastic - we hardly waited in the waiting room - got back to a nice room and everything was just done in a very quick and timely fashion - the nice big TV with cable in the room was a plus too...got her all set up with some nice Morphine and got the X-rays...

Yep the X-rays showed that her arm was in fact broken - she managed to break both the Radius and the Ulna bones in her right arm - about 1/3 of the way up from her wrist...thank goodness it wasn't her wrist...

In the end we left with a cast up to her shoulder, a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and an appointment for tommorrow to put on a permanent cast...this one the Dr. informs me can be any color PWG chooses...I am betting on the hot pink model...

Add all this to new kittens and a dog that now needs surgery on it's ear...

Chaos

Timing is Everything....

Last Feb. I joined Weight Watchers...I was tired of being overweight - I had been overweight most of my teen years and managed to loose a bunch of weight my senior year of high school...I entered college with a lot more self esteem than I had in high school and with a totally different outlook

I even managed to fend off the dreaded Freshman 15 (probably because my dorm was the farthest you could get from the academic halls and I had to walk up a big hill to get there...) Over the course of my college years I only managed to gain back 10 lbs...plus I also gained a fiance.

Then the slow descent back to Fluffyville began...I manged to hold my weight steady by going to the gym a few times a week...but did I bother to watch what i ate...nope and since both my fiance and I were working full time and going to grad school that meant a lot of fast food...cheap eats ala - Kraft Mac and Cheese and the ever faithful Ramen noodles...

After we got married we decided to buy a house...hello mortgage...goodbye $$ for the gym...and then working and doing stuff around the house...and then having money to eat real food - not neccessarily healthy food....

I did manage to do fairly well - but a few years out of college I had managed to gain back about 25 lbs...not a pretty site.

Then I got pregnant...had a MC and ate my way through the few weeks following that...then I got pregnant again - this time with twins...during the pregnancy I was told - eat...eat...eat and I did...did...did

anyway fast forward to last Feb - after getting back pictures taken on my Birthday (Dec 31st - I'll expect cards from you all this year) I was horrified at the person in the picture...

I knew right then I had to do something...

so off to WW I merrily skipped...and I did great...lost 40 lbs and well then life caught up with me and I stopped going - I did really good though and managed to hold my weight steady until the past few weeks...slowly, ever so slowly the numbers have been going up

the final straw is last week the day after getting back from FL I stepped on the scale and was astonished to find I had gained FIVE POUNDS...

That was it - I need the accountability of stepping on a scale in front of other people every week...the support of other people who are going through what I am going through...a place to go where I am not the biggest person in the room...

So last night I went and re-joined WW...

Turns out my timing could not have been better...I got home from the meeting and walked upstairs to get changed. I was wearing a long skirt that buttons up the front - I had the top 3-4 buttons undone as I walked in to my room - my lovely twin skin belly was hanging out...TW saw me and ran over to me to give me a hug - then she put her hand on my belly and the conversation went something like this

TW: Oh mommy do you have another baby in your belly?
ME; NO!!!!!!
TW: - Oh then are you just really full?

all the while my darling husband was giggling...giggling so hard I think he might have peed a little in his panties...

I am taking the conversation as a sign that I did the right thing...that spending that $100 is not going to be wasted...

so here I go again...

Thank you Jessica Andrews

SCARY - it's like she lives in my brain...


If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser; I'm a winner
I am steady and unstable
I'm young, but I am able

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

and apparently so does Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy youI'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Tommorrow is K day

Tommorrow morning we all get in the car - drive 45 miles south and pick up our 2 new kittens...the girls have no idea they are going to be stoked...

stay tuned for thier names...sure to be interesting since I asked TW what she would name a cat...

fluffy fluffy fluffy...

and no I didn't type it 3 times by accident...

The bastards got me wet....

And we return....to Seaworld on Friday morning...we managed to catch the last part of the Dolphin show - we came in right after the whale part - so we did end up seeing the whole show - it just took us 2 days.

The big part of this day was touching and feeding various animals...the first thing we did was head over to the skate petting - little flat things very similar to Stingrays...the girls had a blast actually touching them - I was quite surprised that TW WANTED to pet them considering her adversion to anything "icky" - but she did - then it off to see and feed the sea lions and seals and then to the sea lion show...

As yes the Sea lion show - where my 3rd kid got picked out of the audience and had to perform "I'm A Little Teapot" in front of the whole stadium - he was a good sport and his reward - getting soaked by the huge sea lion - ummm yummy nothing like going thru the day smelling like wet sea mammals...

After the show my sis and her boytoy went off on thier own to ride the rollercoaster again and the kids and I headed off to Shamu's world for little people...where we rode the Shamu express - all 60 seconds of it and the girls got out thier energy by sliding down some slides...while we were waiting in line for the Shamu express I got a call from my sis informing me she and boytoy had signed up for the Brewmasters Tour - basically a way to partake in a VARIETY of free beer, rather than just whatever they are handing out at the free beer kiosk that day. Seeing as they would be busy with that we headed over to the Shamu show again...

I have to say...1 time is plenty for the Shamu show...I could go around another time for the Dolphin show - after all how many chances do you get to see gay men dressed in bright pink wet suits with some sort of feather head dress diving 20 feet into a dolphin tank...but Shamu is Shamu and well once was more than enough...

After the Shamu show we met up with sis and boy toy...they were well shit-faced...they had ALOT to drink...they had to sit with a rather odd British couple and thier son and fled when the tour was over...they were a little afraid they might be invited to "spend some time" with the family...anyway my sis got a chance to try something called SPYKES, which has yet to hit the market...which is basically shots of flavored alcohol you can add to beer or drink straight - I tasted her beer that had a Chocolate shot - let's just say as soon as these puppies hit the market - I am all over it...

It was about this time we were going past the Journey to Atlantis ride - the one where we all got soaked - and I learned something...they have these buttons - you put a quarter in the slot - hit the button and it makes jets of water go off...so the day before when boy toy and I thought we were in the clear after going down the hill - SOME BASTARD SHOT US!!!! it wasn't the ride - it was some bastard with a quarter - some bastard got his jollys off by soaking us with water...well paybacks a bitch and I just happened to have about $3 in quarters (because that is what the lockers take) - Drunk boy toy and I had LOTS OF FUN being all bastardly and soaking other people - BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...next to petting a dolphin this was my favorite thing at Seaworld - right above the FREE BEER....

After going thru the penguin house again and trying to pet the rays again we were off...

to the parking lot where we forgot where we parked our rental van...never a good thing - after wandering aimlessly for a little while in her drunken state my sister pushed the panic button on the car keychain - SHEER GENIUS - we followed the screeching sirens to our car and got all settled in...

Then it was off to grandma's house...

no dancing singing Santa...but there was a Leprachan sitting atop a syrofoam mushroom...(how long ago was St. Patty's day???)...ah grammi never disappoints...

All in all we had a nice visit with my grandmother - we escaped on Saturday afternoon and went to see Over the Hedge - very cute movie - I love "I can't find my nuts" Hammy - Sunday we managed to escape to the zoo in the morning - where the girls loved to feed the Lorries some necter and learned my sisters boytoy screams like a little girl if a bird accidently lands on his head...I expected the flailing and screaming from TW when a bird landed on her head BUT boy toy...I was surprised...the girls also got a chance to feed a Giraffe...nothing like getting liked by a giant sloppy tounge - I imagine getting slurped by a giraffe is similar to getting slurped by Gene Simmons...but I won't know being as I am not a skank-ho...

After the zoo the kids and I managed to get to the pool - my sis and boytoy got roped into golfing with gram and g'pa...

Monday it was time to go to the airport...

Nice trip...wonderful vacation...still exhausted

FREE BEER....

no seriously - FREE BEER...at Seaworld - who knew?

Well we made it back from our trip in one piece...a little worn, a little weary, a little battered a little bruised...

but hey they had FREE BEER at Seaworld...

The trip to Fl was great - it was the first time flying for Pantie-wad and the Toothless Wonder - it was a little sketchy in the airport with the waiting and such...thank goodness we had the "F" flashcards - see PWG does speech theraphy - at her last session her therapist gave her cards with pictures of things that begin with the letter 'F' (and yes I checked none had 2 naked people) - to which she happily showed TW how to play the 'F' matching game...this is #45 why having Twins is a GOOD thing...(still doesn't outnumber the con side though) - Lucky when I started seeing the game starting to break down we had to board the plane - THANK YOU AIRTRAN for being on-time.

So we get on the plane get all settled...take off...then we hear it - THAT question "Are we there yet?" - Oh freak me...we took off 10 minutes ago...anyway the nice people in the blue unifroms brought us soda and whale crackers (oh no not goldfish - but WHALE crackers) and that entertained them for all of about 4 minutes. Luckly for me I was in the row with TW and after about an hour she turned and told me she was sleepy - well then lay right down here and take a nap - and that is just what she did - yeah me.

We get to Orlando airport - find my sister and her boytoy that came in from NC and get our rental car - with 4 adults, 2 kids and a bunch of luggage - it was all minivan for us...we find the Nickelodeon Hotel easy enough and they even let us check in a hour and a half early - THEY ROCK...get to our room (which was the farthest you could get from the front desk - of course) - shed our clothes and jump into our bathing suits...and off to the pool.

The Pool at the Nickelodeon Hotel is great - they actually have 2 pools - one has a 0 entry way and was great for the girls as they didn't need a lifevest to play - they had a rope going across once the water went below 3 ft. - this pool also had the huge mass of water slides - BUT since we were there it was closed until Friday morning (for repairs) - guess when we were leaving - yep you guessed it Friday morning...that is just our luck...the second pool is a deeper pool - it is about 4.5 ft deep and has a few waterslides - 2 of which dump you out into the pool and one that has a water way that is designed for the little kids...My girls LOVED this pool - we threw on some life jackets and they swam their little hearts out. My third child, commonly known as my husband, loved the waterslides - one of which you had to climb a rope thingy to get to. The other one you just walked up the stairs and slide down - this is where I got hurt...

See Child 3 was goading me into going down the water slide - so I said fine I'll go - walk up the stairs put my foot on the slide and promptly fell like no ones business - my sunglasses go flying off...my body twists in all sorts of weird directions..my foot somehow gets jammed up underneath me...all while I continue down the curly slide...it was not fun...I seriously thought I broke my foot it was throbbing - luckly it was OK - I just sport a major bruise on my ankle now. But that would have been just my luck...to break my ankle on a friggen water slide

After splashing all around in the water it was time to get out - dry off, eat some food and go to sleep...while it is fun to play around the Nickelodeon hotel - not so much fun to sleep - The bed was the HARDEST bed I had ever sleep on - concrete would have been more comfortable.

On Thursday it was off to SEAWORLD - yeaaaa...we had a little trouble at the ticket kiosks but luckly a nice guy named Frank helped us out...he even told my sister who had recieved a free military ticket she could upgrade to a season pass for only $10 - FRANK ROCKS - we get in the gate and then head over to get our tickets validated - see if you go to Seaworld you can get your tickets validated and get another ticket to come back again anytime in the next 6 days...very nice feature - you go Seaworld...so we get our tickets and then my sister goes to upgrade her free ticket - which took 15 minutes and 2 managers...seriously...

Anyway after all that we were free to roam the park - and headed out...we got to see all sort of Marine mammals and fish and whatnot - then it was time to catch the SHAMU show...which we had told PWG and TW they would probably get wet - they were looking so forward to it...we sat in the Splash Zone (even though I didn't want to) and waited for the show the begin...it began...it was good - guess what - we didn't get splashed...missed getting splashed by mere inches...and then it was over...and TW started crying because Shamu didn't soak her...JOY upon freakin JOY...so we cajoled and promised that at some point by the end of the day we would make sure she got splashed by some marine mammal...

It was off to see other creatures of the sea and...the horses....yes the horses we come to Seaworld and see...the horses...which in the end didn't turn out to be a bad thing because they were next to the hospitality house...where we ducked in to cool off and found

FREE BEER

FREE BEER

did I mention

FREE BEER

So we got some free beer and off we went again...but not before forking over $12 to have our picture taken with a Clydesdale...oh well - it is a vacation you are suppose to spend gobs of money - right???

The next stop was the Dolphin show...which in remembering our promise to TW we all sat in the second row front and center in order to get splashed...The Dolphin show was something else - it didn't just have dolphins - it had fairy princesses, and parrots and gay divers...It was quite a specticle...until the damn whales started acting up...they didn't listen...didn't follow directions - If I didn't know any better I would guess they were twins and 5 years old...anyway they ended up having to end the show right there - At least TW got splashed and in the end isn't that all that really matters...

After the dolphin show we headed over to ride the lone rollercoaster - KRACKEN...which my sis, boytoy and I went on...considering hubby could barely handle the rides at Kings Dominion he gladly stayed on firm ground with the girls...it coaster was awesome...however it did leave me a little green around the gills after a few minutes of disembarking...after KRACKEN we all headed over to Journey to Atlantis - a logflume ride on steriods...luckly the girls were *just* tall enough to go on the ride with us...started out good - you sort of float along this waterpath - the scenes sort of make me think of if It's a Small World and the Devil mated - you would have Journey to Atlantis...after floating amlessly for a little while you are shunted up a tall hill and you know what comes next - down, down, down a big slide filled with water...Boytoy and I were in the 3rd row and started to celebrate when only a few sprays of water got on us...we celebrated to soon - out of nowhere we get hit full force with a huge spray of water - WTF!!!! then it whips you around and you think you are going back to get out - oh no you are shut in pitch black and go very very fast around a bunch of curves and then splashes you down a little hill - I think the girls were fine until that last part - they got off the ride and told us in no uncertain terms it was a scary ride and they were not going back on it...

After that since we were soaked to our undies we decided it was time to head back to the hotel...which we did and the girls wanted to go swimming again so we did and of course the 3rd kid wanted to go down the water slide again and again...

Tune in tommorrow for more of our adventures....

To Grammi's House we go - Man eating Alligators Part II

To futher our vacation and save on fundage after spending 2 days at the Nick hotel and visiting SEA-freakin-WORLD (can I tell you again how excited I am) - we are driving 40 minutes east to my grandmothers house to spend a few days with her...

Now my grandmother lives in a "gated" community (if you call Barney Fife at the guard house "gated") that is full of retired military officers - after my Poppi died my grammi met a nice widow man who gave her a 2 carat rock and ended up whisking her away to the land of the man eating alligators...the retirement community is quite a site to behold. We were last there about 2 years ago at Thanksgiving time - at which point when we pulled up into their driveway we were greeted with a 6 ft' tall dancing Santa on the porch...

NOW...the winter before that my great aunt (who went down to Fl. to visit my Grammi (her sister) one December for the holidays and wound up marrying my grandmothers next door neighbor about 7 weeks later...this however, is not a weird story in my family - oh we have CLOSETS full of wackiness in my family - maybe one day I will blog about them) had - I KID YOU NOT - a REVOLVING pink tinsle christmas tree on her front porch that my grandmother said was the epitome of tackiness...

hummm - 6 ft tall dancing Santa or a revolving pink tinsle tree - pretty much a draw to me on the Tacky-o-meter...

Anyway - when we arrived there was a gift at Santa's feet for PWG and TW - a little bag with a Minnie visor and a few pieces of candy...not bad...not tacky...just right...if only the madness would have stopped there...BUT NO...everytime we left the house a "gift" would magically appear at Santa's feet...

The thing is my grandmother is very frugal...I readily admit that I myself am quite frugal and I do see that the apple didn't fall to far from the tree...BUT...the gifts were quite interesting becuase it looked as if she manged to hit all the 75% off Easter crap...and you know when something is marked down to 75% off after Easter it really is the dregs...the worst were these paper-machae bunnies with what looked like rotting fur stuck all over them...with red beady eyes...

Whie the gifts were bad...try corralling two 3 year olds in a house full of small hummels and tassles...the woman has these small figurines, many of which I am sure costs a pretty penny (she spends big bucks on a piece of kitsch but yet when milk is on sale for a .25 off she buys like 5 gallons and then sticks them in her freezer - note if you ever visit my grandmother - don't drink the milk)...and the tassles - she has these big-ass tassles hanging from every doorknob...of course a 3 year old is going to be drawn to it...and regardless what my grandmother says just because you say "don't touch" doesn't mean a 3 year old is going to listen...

So it will be a very interesting trip...in talking to my gammi she mentioned something about a visit from Jolly Old St. Nick...I need to remember to pack my Tylenol...because if we drive up and a dancing Santa is there to greet us I am going to need a hocking huge bottle...

Oh yeah to top everything off - my sister K and her boyfriend M are joining us on this trip - her boyfriend - who is moving in with her in a few months...even though they are not engaged...should be a fun time at my grandmothers house...I do believe the exact words from her mouth when I was living with my husband pre marriage (HOWEVER - we were engaged with a wedding date) were "Why should he buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free"....

Oh K - are you MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOing??????

Man eating Alligators...

Yep that's right we are going on VACATION.....

to the land of the man eating alligators...seriously in the past week 3 women have been attacked and killed by Alligators in FL. and that is where we are headed.

In case you haven't heard (which I would be mighty surprised since I am so freakin excited I tell everyone I meet I am going on vacation) we are going to Orlando - where we plan on spending 2 nights at the Nickelodeon Hotel - if I knew how to html I would make the word all nice and underlined so you could click right on it...but alas I am a computer moron (took me 10 minutes to figure out how to post a picture the other day) so here is the link http://www.nickhotel.com ...the overpriced, bad food Nickelodeon Hotel...but hey if I get a chance to meet Jimmy Neutron it will be worth the $200 a night stay...kids be damned - I picked the hotel with me in mind - do you know they have ginourmous water slides and a 3000 square foot arcade...me thinks mama is going to need some skeeball intervention.

We are also going to SEA-freakin'-WORLD - This I can't wait for - all the lovely marine mammals...seals and otters that can do tricks...and I am very intriqued as to why SEAworld has ponies pictured on their maps...My girls got maps of Seaworld for thier birthday -along with some spending money from their Nana...after perusing the map I asked both of them what hey wanted to see first - PWG stated the Flamingos...TW - the ponies...WHAT ponies...huh...so I looked at the map and sure enough a picture of a horse...so she wants to so see something we see almost everyday right down the road from our house - go figure.

So until I get back...have fun...be safe...and read some of my friends blogs...

I'm amazed....

about just how many people where I live obviously do not own mirrors...

because if they did surely they would not leave the house

• with shorts so high up thier crack they have a perpetual wedgie
• with shirts so freakin tight you get to see every flubber bump
• with skirts so short they should just be called belts
• with Boobs so exposed you would think there should be an infant close by ready to suckle
• with jeans down to their kneecaps with Hilfiger underwear popping out

and all this spotted at a FUNTASTIC family vacation spot - Kings Dominion...

I guess it is a good thing I didn't pack my spoon cause I would have been blind having to scoop out both my eyeballs from the hideous amount of flesh and general bad fashion sense...

It's official I have broken my child...

TW has been going around singing part of a song for the past week now...

what song you ask...

Honkey-Tonk Ba-donk-a-donk....

however it seems the only parts she knows are

"Honkey-tonk-ba-donk-a-donk"

and

"Eww-wee shut my mouth slap your grandma"

It's offical she's broken...can she be exchanged???

The continuing Saga of Rabbits and Gophers...

So... remember in a previous posting I mentioned that during my twins convention the conversation turned to *ahem* bedroom "friends" - I failed to mention I managed to plaster my friends room with Post-it's that referenced the names of their little "friends"....

They swore revenge would be sweet... Last Wednesday i came home to this...

My yard was decorated with fire tape (one of my friends hubbies is a fireman), large neon signs that said thing like "Gopher It"..."Beware of Rabbits"..."Rabbits and Gophers Unite"... I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself...My husband on the other hand was just shaking his head.

So later that night I met up with them at my twins club meeting and they told me the story of "trashing" my lawn.... seems that had been planning it since thier ride home from MD. They each took a portion and then went to my house Wed. morning...at which time while vandalizing my lawn a county police officer cruised by...slowed down...and waved. I am guessing three middle aged women cavorting around a front lawn at 10am in the morning is not a crime. They did however, get some nice cat-calls from a dumptruck full of boys.

They asked me if I was mad...how can I be mad I feel so loved - that they would take time out of thier busy sceduale and pepper my lawn with the names of vibrators...to me that is LOVE, baby!!!

But...this is not over...REVENGE shall be mine...

What did I just say????

I never thought I would ever have to utter a sentence such as...

"get the giraffe out of your underpants"

life with children....never predictable....never dull

Rabbits & Gophers...

Honestly the best thing about being a twin mom is getting to be in a Multiple's Club...

a club just for mothers (or parents) of Multiples...

and my club is awesome...I love the friends I have made through the club and it is nice to know that I am not the only one whose multiples makes them mental.

Over my club is an umbrella club that holds an annual convention for a weekend.

This past weekend was that convention and I was lucky enough to go.

I had a blast... some highlights.

Friday...drove in my car - by myself - listening to music I wanted to listen to and didn't have to stop for a potty break every 30 miles...anyway get to the hotel, check in, find my room and drift on down to the action...met up with some of my clubmates and some friends from another club I hadn't seen in a while. That night about 15-16 of us went out to dinner at an awesome seafood place. I proceeded to down two margaritas and become quite inebriated - NOW I know since having kids I have become somewhat of a lightweight but I swear they were 90% tequila, a splash of mix and ice cubes. The conversation at the table got quite interesting...sex lives...Brazilians (and I am not talking about the people)...and *ahem* bedroom friends that are named after cute and fuzzy little animals. Needless to say I jumped into many of the conversations...because that is the type of person I am and it felt "freeing" to actually be myself rather than hold back, lest i say something out of place...anyway after the resturant a bunch of us ended up drinking something fruity and RUMey in someone's room - lots and lots of laughter...at some point I made it back to my room and managed to drunk dial the room I had previously been in and shouted random obscene words...

Saturday - I awoke at 6:30 am - not by choice but because the person next door - their damned alarm was going off - incessent beeping...after trying to call their room I called down to the front desk and about 10 minutes later after a knock and "housekeeping" the alarm was finally shut off after going off for about 40 minutes...I was a little perturbed because it was the chance to actually sleep in without a small kid pressed up against my ass...I was up by that point and at some point during the night my teeth had grown furry little socks...I had forgotten what it was like to wake up after a night of drinking. Shower...dress and down to the contential breakfast...where the coffee cups were the size of shot glasses - ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME...this is a convention for mothers of MULTIPLES....most of us mainline the stuff and you tease us with shots of coffee...bad coffee at that...anyway after the opening session I hightailed it to my room and actually got a few scrapbook pages done (go me...) instead of going to the lecture session I had signed up for (College Savings and You - ummm already got the 529 in place). Headed to lunch - which was OK...I've had worse. They also did the awards during lunch and our club won for Large Club of the Year (go us!!!!) Instead of going to my afternoon session (Wills, Trusts and More...got it got it and got it...) I instead took advantage of an offer of going for a boat ride in the Chesapake Bay...humm let's see sitting listening to a lawyer or riding in a boat while drinking a Margarita and eating fancy cheese and crackers - serious no-brainer. After leaving the boat I sat around with a few other club members over a strawberry daquari - yummy...sat through the closing business meeting...grabbed some dinner and then spent the rest of the night just hanging out with a bunch of club members having a great time...

so relaxing....

so to all...

Have a gopher and rabbit kind of day...

Freedom...sweet freedom

This weekend I am running away....

unfortunatly I have to come back...

I am attending a twins convention in MD...

so far I think what I am looking forward the most is ....

2 hours...in a car...by myself...not having to listen to Pochohantas "Colors of the Wind" 10 times in a row...

Pupation....

My girls could not be more different...

well they could be more different one could have a penis...

Anyway -
Pantywad girl is my tomboy girlie girl - she loves to wear dresses and skirts, dressing up in our 101 princess dresses is one of her favorite pastimes (however she balks at fancy shoes, crowns, jewelry, etc..)...she also loves to dig in the dirt, tackle the playdoh and play with all sorts of bugs...she is also the queen of the Temper Tantrums

Toothless Wonder is the exact opposite of PWG in almost every demenor...she only wears leggings and shirts and she loves all the jewelry, fancy shoes, crowns that her sister won't touch...

• Tanget - the other day while I was trying to sleep in the girls asked me if they could dress-up - sure go right ahead just stop bothering mommy when she is trying to get some zzz's - so when I finally opened an eye I spot PWG all gussied up in a Tinkerbell dress waving one of our 1001 wands around...TW is naked except for fancy shoes, a crown and a necklace...I ask her what she is doing - response "I am a naked princess"...oh yeah the boys are just going to love you...

anyway backing off the tanget - TW hates to get dirty - she won't help in the gardening, she balks if she gets a little bit of marker on her...everything has to be perfect - you know the type...

Well last week she discovered something...Catapillers...the black fuzzy ones...she has become besotted with them...

We are now the proud owners of FOUR caterpillers - and their names are

Caterpiller Fountian

Caterpiller Door

Caterpiller Water

Caterpiller Grass

and yes the full name does inclue the word Caterpiller because gosh forbid you call Caterpiller Door just plain Door...that doesn't fly with TW...

The thing is ... three of them are now pupating...all snuggled in their cocoons...liquifing thier bodies and reconstructing it it a big ass moth...

all in my garage...

I guess it could be worse I could have Pupation going on in my home...

They're FIVE....

My beautiful little ones turned 5 yesterday...

Hubby and I woke them up singing Happy Birthday, after which I had a good cry...

Let me take you back...About 6 years or so ago I turned to my husband and said - we have a house, some cars, steady jobs and a dog...Let's have a BABY...he was all on board with it because it meant a lot of nookie for him.

I told him it could take awhile before I got pregnant and that was fine for him (...it meant lots of nookie...)...but lo and behold he shot one out of the park the very first month of trying.

We were excited we told everyone and then...we lost our baby at 12 weeks...we were devistated to say the least.

My doctor told us to we could go ahead and give it another try whenever we were ready...about 7 weeks later we were ready...and once again DH hit it out of the park that first month...

We were excited but understandably we treaded lightly...

At about 7 weeks I had a complication that made us head straight to my OB's office as soon as it opened....we were ushered right into the Ultrasound room. The technition looked and hemmed and hawed and all the while the only thing I could see was my husbands face...as it got whiter and whiter...and I thought - well here we go again...

then the Ultrasound technition said "THEY look fine to me"

WHAT...WHO...WHERE - THEY

I was floored...and from the albinoness of hubbies face so was he...

I spent most of my pregnancy worrying...

Was I going to be a good mother?
How can I going to handle TWO babies?
Will I lose my sanity?

Needless to say over the past 5 years it has been quite a ride - with ups and downs and some sharp curves too...

But even so...looking at my two wonderful daughters I am taking some Dramamine and holding on for dear life because this is not a ride I ever want to give up...