it is 11:56pm on Christmas Eve

the presents are out...

Santa has been here and eaten his cookies...

and I can't get my mom off our brand new Wii...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

So we Fought....over Ground Turkey

So we fought …over ground turkey

I freely admit I am a control freak – I like doing things my way…and since I like having them done my way I usually just go ahead and do them so I know that it will get done and well get done the way I like.

I had an event to attend yesterday, which would not leave me time to do my usual Sunday morning foray to the grocery store…TC told me he would be more than happy to go to the store for me..

Uhhh OK…

So I wrote out a list and then I re-wrote in order of the store working from right to left…and then we had a discussion about said list…

While going over the list I had Ground Turkey on the list for chili…

We proceeded to have a conversation that went something like this

ME: I want ground turkey for Chili so make sure you get the plain ground for the Chili and NOT the Italian style ground turkey

TC: Ok

ME: Also get an eggplant too IF they look good – oh hold a second to make eggplant takes a bit of time…I know why don’t we have Turkey Loaf this week

TC: Ok

ME: So go ahead and get a pack of Ground Italian style turkey too {add Ground Italian next to plain ground turkey on list} – so get a pack of both…if they don’t have the Italian style just get two things of plain – but try and see if they have the Italian

TC: OK

I am pretty sure this is the conversation that took place in TC's head

ME: maa maa maa maa Plain Ground Turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maa maa Italian style turkey maa maa maa (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

ME: maa maaa maaa Ground Italian style maa maaa maa Italian (stop to take a breath)

TC: OK

So I go to my event and come home…I go to get the ground turkey out so I can start to make the chili…

Open the fridge

1 pack of Italian style ground turkey – hummmm

So I go and ask TC “Where is the plain turkey”

TC response was “You didn’t ask for Plain turkey”

Ummmm WTF….really….

So I got angry…and was a bit yelly over ground turkey….he proceeded to tell me I had only asked for Italian turkey and he went by the list – which he proceeded to get out of his jacket pocket and show me…

the list

where it was written

Plain ground turkey (not Italian – 4 chili) & Italian turkey

Then he started ranting about how I was a control freak and he made a mistake and simply forgot…

I ended up leaving the house because I was pissed off…

See this is where men and women differ – he thought I was upset that he simply “forgot” the stupid turkey…I could have cared less if he in fact truly “just forgot”

I was upset because he didn’t listen…I mean we had a whole freakin conversation about the stupid turkey…about what we were using it for and what we had planned for the week…and yet…

After 10 years of marriage I should be used to it…but I guess that is what marriage is…sometimes there are yelly parts…over ground turkey….

Bad X-mas?!?

So LOTTA had a contest the other week asking about what the worst X-mas you ever had was...

I do have to say I haven't really had a BAD christmas -

I mean I have had some sad christmas's - like 2 years ago when my brother was killed in a car accident a week before the holidays...we managed to muddle through like my family usually does - since my brother was cremated my parents brought him along for Christmas Day...we put his favorite Day-Glo orange "Git'r Done" hat on his urn and put him up on the shelf by the tree...

To other families this might seem weird or crazy...this was my families way of coping...I know it explains a lot about me...

The year before that my sisters dog escaped from my parents house and was struck and killed by a caron Christmas Eve...that was a pretty sad Christmas too...

But the Worst one I have to say was the year when I was about 10 years old and I received a Dickie...

a white cotton turtleneck Dickie...don't be jealous ya'll

It was given to me by my grandmother and I still remember the tag

"HO HO HO - here's a dickie just for you..."

Seriously - what the hell did I do wrong that year...I thought I was a pretty good kid...but a Dickie that is worse than an orange and a bag of gold coins...hell I would have taken the Lifesaver Holiday storybook over a dickie...

Of course I am older now...and have moved on...

YEAH RIGHT...a freakin dickie

Postman - you are going to make me go postal...

So I have been waiting for a CD of pictures that my sister sent me... see it is part of another gift that i need to complete and mail out to the recipient so I need that CD...like 6 days ago

She mailed it last week and assured me that I should have it by Friday - Saturday at the latest...Friday came and went...I was out all day Saturday and arrived home to find a Ransom note in my mailbox

The CD is being held hostage by the US Postal Service...in order to Free the CD I have to pay .16 cents...

YES - they are holding my CD hostage for 16 lousy cents...

This is the first time they have actually held something for thier postal Ransom...in the past when I have had items arrive with postage due they simple put an envelope in my mailbox with the amount due...I put the money in the envelope and stick it back into my mailbox and everyone is happy.

NOW - momma ain't happy...

What happened?

I thought we had a beautiful relationship - one even bumped up a notch when we created a whole new paved driveway - far wider than our old one, smoothly paved with a parking pad...I know you use my driveway to turn your little mail trucks around and go back down the street...I have even seen you use my driveway as a "pow-wow" spot since you can fit 2 trucks across with room to spare...

And come on - you know I am good for the money...don't you see all the magazines and catalogs I receive in the mail... and you know the Santa and reindeer Poker playing inflatable just screams high class...

So today I have to trudge to the post office, pay my ransom to get my CD...then trudge back AGAIN later this week to mail the present that I needed the CD for...

BAAAAA HUMBUG....

ON A LIGHTER NOTE...

About 2 weeks ago I got my hair cut - being that i trust my hairdresser I told her - I want something fun and funky and easy to maintain - so she got out her scissors and a razor and went to town...and I liked the look...

when I actually have time to do it up right it sort of looks like Lisa Rinna's...of course to really look like hers I need the awesome Jonathan DIRT...but at $23 for a small bottle...well...

The other day I was rushing around and trying to get out the door with the wee ones when TW looked and me and exclaimed

"MOMMY - you look just like Troy"

Yes because I was so going for the Zac Efron look...well at least he is pretty - does that make me pretty...

Now if you put Zac's hair on Nikki Blonsky there to the left of him - then you would have a more accurate reflection of myself...only my boobs aren't as big...

All I DON'T want for Christmas

a Va-Jay-Jay pillow

Hummm I'll have to ask TC if I have roses "down there"

Enough said...

All I want for Christmas is...

well judging by my SPAM folder it must be a Penis Enlargement...

Yep - every day for the past week I have been recieving offers like this


Dr. Janna Blackman - ‎Christmas discount on penis enlargement.


Dr. Gina Hinkle - ‎Penis enlargement Christmas offer

I don't know about you...but I seem to be pretty happy with MY own personal penis size...

Maybe they have gift certificates...you know wouldn't that be a boost to your significant others self esteem...a gift certificate for a penis enlargement...

"But honey....it was on sale and I had a coupon"

More Elfin' going on

Your Elf Name Is...

Giggles Slave O' Santa

What's" Your Elf Name?

I am betting at this time - TC is seriously contemplating about legally changing his name to Santa

Seven Random things for a Boring Friday...

Hummmm thanks G-Man for making me think today…

• I have gnome addiction…there I said it – Garden gnomes rock my world…I have over a dozen of them in my garden…not to mention a few more small gnomes in my house…a Talking gnome, a Grow –a-Gnome and a Desktop gnome at work. I also own a Gnome shirt and Gnomey PJ’s

• Twins run in my family – when TC and I were discussing how many kids we wanted the chance of twins ruled our conversation…and lookey what we have…TWINS

• My college sorority nickname is “Spooge” – it really has nothing to do with spunk – well not really true…one of my pledge sisters mispronounced my last name as Semenguard…close but no cigar…and well the moniker was bestowed upon me by my “big” sister and really, really stuck…there were a vast number of people that didn’t know my real name…only knew me by Spooge

• I won a jello sucking contest in college…to this day there has not been another one – does that still make me the REIGNING champ?

• I have an addiction to Papercrafting…stamping, scrapbooking, decorative items…you name it…I love it

• The first boy I ever slept with the 1st night I met him is now my husband. (does that make me slightly less ho-ish that I did that since we did eventually got married?)

• I have a very dry and somewhat perverted sense of humor…most people either love me or hate me…much like Lady Sovereign (bonus points for those who know what the hell I am talking about...)

And as for Tagging people - I think a majority of people are blogged out cause of NABloMoBLOP…(see I am so tired I can’t even spell…)

So I give to you the MASSES (ha ha ha I crack myself up)…if you would like to play along – please go right ahead and drop me a line so I can link to your seven random items :)

This is why I try and hide the pens,,,,

So my In-laws came to visit last weekend before Thanksgiving...

My FIL is an "interesting" fellow...

One of his many, many, many, many - did I say many yet? "quirks" is underlining and circling random things in things he reads...

Before he arrived I put "my precious" (AKA People magazine) out of harms way...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for my newspaper

Is Christmas over yet?

So this morning TW crawled into bed with me and was talking all about how excited that she is for Christmas to come...

She was babbling on and I wasn't really paying attention until she got to the Guitar part...

See - she has been asking for a Guitar and being the nice mommy I am I bought her one...

Seeing that she is 6.5 I figured she was talking about a "REAL" Guitar and I bought her a brown kid sized one...

this morning she was talking all about how she can't wait to get her pink pretend guitar

Say What Willis?

Pink...Pretend...Guitar

so I asked her what would happen if Santa brought her a brown Guitar...

in no uncertain terms she told me that she would be sad because she wants a pink pretend guitar like Miranda...

Who the hell is Miranda...

come to learn it is some little girl that was in her Kindergarten class...

I told her how will Santa know you want a PINK one since all you have been asking for is a Guitar

"Oh he will know Mommy - he knows everything - just like God"

{banging my head....banging my head}

so what does a good mommy do- hop on E-bay and track down Pink Guitars and make TW SHOW "Santa" what she wants...

and what does she want - a Pink Princess Guitar...

THANK the lord that I saw one at Tuesday Morning on Black Friday with my mom...one call to my "Santa" and she put her shoes on and went out the door to see if there were any left...

and I am awaiting the call that will hopefully bring joy to my little girl in 30 days...

and I'm spent....

Finally back from the 'rents....

and realized I did actually blog while drunk - I re-read what I wrote and I think I did a damn fine job for not remembering that I actually blogged until I checked my e-mail this morning and saw a few of ya'll commented on it...

Had a great time - got some holiday shopping done...still looking for a few things - WHY WHY WHY in the world does PWG want a Jasmine costume for X-mas...riddle me this batman...

Oh well thank god for E-Bay

Happy Gobble Gobble - I'm drunk

I hope everyone had a great Gobble Gobble day - I will say right now that if words don't seem right I blame it all on the Thirsty Lizard brand of wine I have been imbibing...very good wine...considering my dad paid $2.79 for it...

Anyway I hope all had a great Turkey day...Personally I love Thanksgiving because it revolves around being with my family...annoying the crap out of each other and playing various games...

This year the game du jour is Catch Phase...cause where else can I see my mother making licking faces when she is trying to get people to guess "whiska lickens", my father sing Goodship Lollypop, and for me my proudest moment was saying "General - It's In My Butt" for Colin Powell.

fun times...fun times

This morning my mom, sis and I went to some various places for Black Friday...my mother ran away from my Sis and I at Target at one point - you know if they put a whole endcap full of dancing holiday figures with buttons that say "Push Me" - welllllll we're going to push them...ALL OF THEM...

So to you and yours...have a happy happy happy weekend...

what, what I'm coming....

{the pumpkin pie is whispering ...."Cover me with whipped cream and eat me".....}

Gotta go....

Let's get our ELF on....

Ok so this is how it is going to work....a special thanks to Leona over at a great Forum board I am on for inspiring me to spread ELFIN' Cheer to all

I have been in contact with a few people...they will be getting a goodie in the mail from me...in exchange they have agreed to ELF someone else...

See where I am going with this...

SO - it is up to you my blog friends to spread the Elfin' Cheer

WHAT TO DO....

• Pick 2-3 or more people to ELF. Simple as that - you can choose people at random or hold a contest on your blog to see who gets to be ELFED. You will need to contact them for thier address if you don't have it.
  

• Send your ELF BUDDIES a small gift - it doesn't have to be much...a small gift card, a cute handmade item, a small bag of Holiday cookies - just about anything goes - remember tis the season to GIVE...

• Ask them to Elf it Forward
  

IF YOU BEEN ELFED

Copy and paste this little elf onto your blog so people can see that you have been ELFED

IF YOU ARE AN ELFER

Copy and past this little guy in your blog so everyone can see what a Great ELF you have been

Feel free to link back to this post when you spread your ELF Cheer around so they can be sure to get the Elf photos. Also let me know when you have posted either image on your blog - e-mail me at elffest2007@gmail.com (and no I don't need any Viagra and I am very satisfied with my Penis Size)

So let's go people....GET YOUR ELF ON!!!!

I'm going to be doing some ELFING....

That is sooooo right....

I am going to be doing some Elfing....and hopefully some of you will help me get the ball rolling...

Check back for more information in a bit...

In the meantime...Enjoy this little Elf dance I have for you...

CLICK ME

Just Another Manic Monday

A timeline of events so far

Greeted by my children at 6:25 this morning…hold a freakin sec…6:25 – WTF – why didn’t our alarms go off…we have three alarms set – Mine, TC and the girls…NONE of which went off – so crap on a stick we are late…

Send TC to the shower first since we are actually driving separately today (usually commute together)…while he is in the shower I head to the toilet well to you know…

Realize that a “friend” has come to visit two days early – commence cussing…

Still cussing when TC gets out of the shower – I go to grab a WaHoo plug only to find out the only ones I have left are “lite days” (God damn Tampax Variety Pack – more Supers less Lites) – while holding two I realize – hey two are about the size of 1 Super…then I have that ‘thought’…

You know the thought of “how would I explain myself if I wind up naked on an ER table” and decide 1 is enough…besides I have about 6 of them – that should last me oh about 2 hours…I am lamenting on the fact that all I have are “lite” ones when TC asks “Well won’t they work”

Umm yeah about as well as an umbrella hat in a hurricane

So I hurry and get in the shower and – oh I guess I should also tell you my in-laws who were suppose to head home Sunday afternoon are still at my house… - which makes everything just a bit more sweeter…

Get out of the shower and find that it is almost time to leave….that is if we hadn’t been awoken 25 minutes behind schedule…luckily TC was ready to go and took the girls with him…I didn’t even care that TW was totally mismatched and PWG was wearing her shitkickers with her dress…

So now it is me naked in a house alone with my In-laws…so not a good Monday morning…figure if I hurry and get dressed I can get out before they arise from their slumber…

Then I realize – AWWWW SHIT – I need dessert for TW Thanksgiving Feast…OK – so the grocery store is open…and I am going to be out of those ‘Lite” Wahoo plugs soon…

So I get dressed, run down the stairs and out the door…

Whew…no in-law sightings

Head to the grocery store where I pick up 2 boxes of brownie bites, 2 dozen mini cupcakes and a box of Tampax Supers…needless to say the checkout boy just took a look at what I was purchasing and was very nice to me…

Get in the car and realize – CRAP ON A FREAKIN STICK – the birthday card for a co-worker is sitting on my kitchen counter – in my haste to leave my house this morning I forgot it and since all my other co-workers needed to sign it back home I went….

Get back home and manage to run in quickly and grab the card – I heard stirring upstairs but I just ran as fast as my little pumped heeled feet would go…

Jump back in the car and head off to work – only to get stuck in traffic – main way into work is blocked by a big accident…so I have to go the long way around through the Ghetto…lock my doors and cross my fingers that all the drug dealers are asleep after a heavy night of dealing…

Finally get to work – only to realize that today is Flu Shot day and my appointment is NOW…so I rush upstairs to fill out the paperwork – what they want my employee number – I don’t know…so finally find it out when another co-worker tells me I need my insurance card…look and look through my purse – can’t find the freakin thing – call TC and tell him he needs to FAX me the card NOW….so I give one more look through and guess what I find…yep the damn card…

Run down and get my flu shot…

Then calm for a little while…then off to PWG Thanksgiving Feast…

Get out to my car and start heading toward the school – only to find my main way blocked by a cop car – WTF…ok maybe an accident – so I have to go the long way around to get on the interstate…so I am putzing along wondering “Humm why are there no cars coming from the other direction” – then BAM – lights and sirens everywhere…do you want to know who F’ed up my way – the President of the United States…damn that man…apparently he is in town for something or other – I don’t care - he added 5 minutes on to my travel time – hella pissed.

Finally get to the school and sign in and make my way to the class room…where I learned that while PWG did inherit my creativity…she also inherited my gracefulness and managed to trip and send her plate flying everywhere…luckily most everything but the mashed potatoes were solid and stayed in thier lump like forms. After lunch I asked the room mother if there was anything I could help with…

SO SO SO should not of said anything…cause I then spent the next 10 minutes gluing Walnuts on potatoes…

Let me say this again…gluing walnuts on potatoes…

All this by 12:30…

Wonder what the rest of the afternoon will bring…

All I know is when I get home my In-laws better be gone or I am camping at the local Red Roof Inn tonight…

how sad

this is my 150th post....

but I don't have time to do it justice...

really need to hit the sheets been a long day....

Totally useless fact for today : Groundhogs can whistle.

so tired...

spent all day at a craft fair peddling my wares....

made enough to cover TC's X-mas present...

going to bed now...

So how do you explain....

Yesterday TC and I were watching the local news during dinner, before a commercial break they gave a snippit of what was to come...

a story about a Transgender individual who is complaining that the prison isn't giving him the "protection" he needs. {Personally if he didn't break the law he wouldn't be in jail...now would he}
so they showed a few pictures and then we got the question

"Is that a boy or a girl?"

TC looked at me and said "This is all you."

I just looked down and concentrated very hard on eating my fish and veggies hoping it would go away...

TC was looking around - I thought he was looking for the remote so he could change the channel

No such luck

The news came back on and went right to the story...the girls ran up and kept looking at the pictures and debating with each other if it was a boy or a girl...

TC kept looking at me...

I took the wuss way out and asked if anyone wanted a cookie...

Cause the lure of a cookie takes all the attention away from the she-male on TV...

ummm - OK

So I just went to go pick my daughters up from afterschool care...an hour early...

I came home without them.

They didn't want to leave - they were having to much fun.

Good thing the place is only a minute from my house...

Now on to vacuum in preparation for in the in-laws {cue scary Halloween type scream}

Maybe they will be ready to leave in another 40 minutes?

THURSDAY SHOUT-OUT - go and check out G-man's blog - not only is he a fine PIM husband...but he actually comments on my blog - which shows at least one person reads it :)

I feel so dirty....

So last night I went to a bra fitting event at our local Nordstroms with a group I belong to.

It was well ummm an interesting experience…

First they had one of their stylists come and tell our group of about 15 women (all of whom have either twins or triplets) about this season latest fashion “trends”…

I am so hoping these particular trends don’t stay around long because they are scary…

Let me highlight a few

Patent Leather…yes patent leather shoes in a myrid of colors….great if you are in the 8-12 year old set but considering I am considerably older not really my cup of tea.

Puffed sleeves…ACK…throw in some plaid and you will have all the shirts I wore in the 2nd grade…bonus points for adding in a lace collar

Clutches – I did ask how as mothers we would hold the clutches and our 2+ children and I lamented on the fact that they didn’t seem to have any pockets to hold a sippy cup nor a bag of goldfish crackers…the stylist informed us that clutches were great for when we went out for dinner…that got a big chuckle…somehow I think if I walked into Red Robin with a beaded clutch that would be a little overkill

Jackets with ¾ sleeves – now don’t get me wrong being as I have the arms of a T-rex I enjoy the ¾ sleeves style on shirts…but jackets…really you are giving me less fabric and charging me more money?

Peep-toe shoes – WITH hose…ummm I am not a toe lover…and I really don’t want to look down and see someone with peep-toe shoes with their toes stuck in a lycra prison all mashed together…and you know someone is going to take it a step further and wear some sort of reinforced granny stocking with their peep-toes and then play it off by saying “it’s the TREND”

Knits…knits and more freakin’ knits…my ass looks like two ripe cantaloupes…knits are NOT my friend people…

I did like the fact that the “in colors’ are Gray and Raspberry/Cranberry as I personally love Gray…now that is the one “trend” that can stick around

And on to the bra fitting…since there were about 15 of us and only about 4 “fitters” I had to wait my turn so a friend and I scouted out what Nordstrom’s had to offer…

We came across these…which will now be forever known in my mind as either the “Pica-cu Peek-a-boos” or the “Va-jay-jay Voyeurs” – I haven't decided which name I like better. Obviously with all those ruffles they are meant for one thing only – to proudly envelope and display your muff in a see through mesh served with a garnish of ruffles.

I did enjoy these panties from Juicy Couture… the problem I have with them is the writing is on the back - I don’t know about you – but if I am going to cover some part of my body with the words “Eat Candy” my ass would not be the first place I choose to put it…now Juicy slap that saying on the front and I would buy them – just for the shear laughs it would get in the bedroom…

Then it was time for my bra fitting…went back with a very nice gal…got naked from the waist up…she looked and measured and then told me my size…which was the same size I have been wearing all along…I felt so dirty…I gave this other woman a glimpse of the girls for basically nothing… When I told TC this his only response was “Was she hot?” - Typical

And since I was there I felt I HAD to buy something…you know like when you are invited to a home party and the hostess says “Oh just come and hang out you don’t have to buy anything” – yeah right…if you go you are buying something…

So I scouted about…skirting past the $110 bras…and found the I-Bra …so $53 later my evening was complete…

Yes $53 for a bra…that is the MOST I have ever spent on any sort of undergarment that only myself, my husband and MAYBE Emergency Medical Personnel might see – but I have to say…it is damned comfortable and the girls are snuggled up like two newborn puppies....

so slacky

yes I know I am sooooo slacky - I didn't write all weekend...

oh well - I did promise to TRY to do my best...

but because of my laziness someone is going to win...

so stay tuned to this blog to see what I have up my sleeve

Truely. Seriously. Disgusting

So I was looking around the web for a hunting gag gift for my hubby...and came across this little gem -Liquid Ass

Even better you get your choice of nozzles - a streaming tip or a mister top.


According to the website:


Liquid ASS is a highly–concentrated, butt–crack smell with hints of green poo, fart, and dead animal.

it goes on to say

Lighten up any birthday, Christmas, or retirement party with the gift of ASS.

Somehow I don't think any party I attend will be lightened up by something that smells like my grandpa after a visit to Bob's House O' Beans...

Thursday Shout-out

I don't have much time today....

so I am going to give a Shout-out to my dear friend Gretchen over at Banana & Toddlers ...because she truely understands and assists me with my love of all things gnomey

Looking for a unique and handmade gift for a loved one this holiday season - look no further then her wonderful Etsy shop - Gretchen Crafts

and while you are over at Etsy check out Aimee's wonderful photographs at Greeblemonkey

The Insanity never ends

Ummm ok – my kids are going to make me go insane…I AM going to wind up like my mother and my grandmother …

So this morning TW hops out of bed and gets dressed…I tell her “Go down and give Murphy (the dog) some food”…so away she goes…

Meanwhile PWG is sitting on the toilet…trying to decide between 2 pairs of underwear.

Have I mentioned at this point we are 10 minutes behind our usual morning scheduale.

So I have to say “please PWG – just pick a pair of underwear” to which I am told “It’s a delicate decision” – really a delicate decision? And what 6 year old talks like that…”delicate decision”

From downstairs I hear and anguished cry….so I fly down the stairs to see TW with tears rolling down her face…whatever could be the matter….through her tears I get this

TW: Murphy already has food.
ME: Well just give her some more
TW: NOOOOOOOOO then she will have too much
ME: Fine than don’t feed her
TW: But I WANT to feed her
ME: Do you want me to dump all the food in the bag? Hold On “PWG – please stop dancing around in your underwear with the cat and get dressed”
TW: NOOOOOOO

Ok – then there was a whole meltdown conversation about what color socks TW should wear this morning…

We are now 15 minutes behind schedule…

PWG comes down dressed and goes out to the garage…meanwhile TW is having another meltdown because I am not helping her get her socks and shoes on…never mind had I OFFERED to help her I would have been on the receiving end of a “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” melt down…you know damned if you do damned if you don’t…

So I helping TW get her socks and shoes on when I hear banging…PWG had managed to lock herself out of the house in the garage…

ME: Hold on PWG
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: I SAID Hold on
PWG: {bang, bang, bang}
ME: For the love of all that is good and holy…{mutter some choice words under my breath}

At this point PWG gave up and crawled through the doggy door…

And then….this occurred

PWG: Murphy doesn’t have any food.
TW: Yes she does.
PWG: No she doesn’t.
TW: PWG did you put Murphy’s food back in the bag?
PWG: Yes so you could feed Murphy this morning like you wanted to. {bless her little heart}
TW: {cue tears} But I was getting used to the idea that she had food….now I HAVE to feed her.

SERIOUSLY

I. AM. GOING. INSANE.

So 20 minutes late and 3 notches more insane I finally made it out of my house this morning…

What I am thankful for today: I am thankful that PWG shows such love to her sister.

SQUIRTMAN - Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Apparently one good thing about having kids and being forced to watch hands with eyes or a bunch of grown men "wiggling" around is that you miss a whole period of time...

I was looking for something else on Youtube and came across a bunch of videos dubbed "Peanut Butter Jelly"

Apparently it is a song that has a dance to it ala...the electric slide but not so "groupy"

I am glad I "missed the boat"... although it does seem like a lot of people landed squarely on it and recorded it for, well...Posterity? I am a little confused with some of the videos where people are dressed up as bananas while doing the PBJ dance?

But I do have to say watching this particular video makes me realize just how happy I am to be married if this is what is available in the single scene...

Three Little Words

I had to say the three little words every wife hates to utter…but every husband loves to hear….

YOU. WERE. RIGHT.

I think certain men take wonderful glee when their wives admit that they are right…because it happens so infrequently…

Now that is not to say that wives are right all the time…it’s just that most men tread very carefully about whether or not to pursue a “I’m Right” argument…cause they like sex too much…

But every once in a while us women do back down and admit that we are wrong or perhaps…we have come upon one of those 2% of situations where our husbands are actually …well, Right.

How did this come about…well, see I grew up in a “county” type area where there was really no crime. For awhile when I was younger my mother “hid” our spare key on a hook next to the door…let me repeat this – ON A HOOK. NEXT TO THE DOOR. – yes I really don’t understand why you would bother to lock your door, but nonetheless – later on she hid it in one of those “realistic” looking rocks…oh what a beautiful flowerbed with one lonely rock right in the middle…Clever, no…

Anyway TC grew up with everything having to be locked behind him…

So we have this on-going argument because I “forget” to lock the car that resides in the driveway…a quirk of my upbringing. He always gets after me because I fail to lock the door…My response is usually “We live in a nice neighborhood - nobody’s going to break into our car”

WELLLL….on Friday evening we turn on the news – at first I am not paying attention to it until I look up and what do I spy….MY HOUSE….ON TV – WTF – why is my house on TV….so I am straining to hear what the newscaster is saying while PWG and TW are jumping around shouting “our house is on TV…our house is on TV”…turns out there has been a rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood and a few other subdivisions…since we reside on a main intersection with the big neighborhood sign in the corner of our yard they filmed footage of our house to go along with the story…

We later learned from some neighbors that the cars weren’t “broken” into …but rather the cars were left unlocked in the driveways and somebody helped themselves items in the car….so upon learning that I uttered those three little words….

YOU WERE RIGHT

Sunday morning....

man this posting every day is going to be hard...

but let's see thanks to NaBloPoMo I have a topic - THANKFUL

so what am I thankful for...

1 - I am thankful that both TC and I have good stable jobs that allow us not to have to sweat about how we are going to pay our bills and we don't have to decide what is more important - food or electricity...for this we are truely blessed. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for....please make a donation to your local food bank...not just during the holidays...but 6 months from now as well

2 - I am thankful that we were able to have children so easily, when I know others cannot...and I am thankful that even though my daughters were preemies they sailed right through NICU without any major problems and continue to this day to be healthy. So for those who have the same thing to be Thankful for...think about making a donation to St. Judes or Childrens Miracle Network

3 - I am thankful that I have such great friends...both IRL and my PIMS. Be sure to give your friends a shout-out this week and let them know how much they mean to you

Saturday Morning Quickie

one of my favorite jokes of all time...before you say it - Yes i know I am so Childish :)

Q: What is red and has seven dents?

*
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*
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A. Snow Whites Cherry.... (ba dum dum)

looky what I did...

all by myself too.....look at the beautiful header!!!!!

Not bad for knowing nothing and just playing around...oh the possibilities now....

I see gnomes....sweet, sweet gnomes in my future....

Bloggin- Day 2

Cause I joined NaBloPoMo it is requiring me to write everyday...

I've gotta tell you people ...just like sex - some days it ain't going to pretty, some days it ain't going to be long, some days it's going to be downright messy...but some days, some days...it will be very sweet and if I dare say...orgasmic (in a funny ha ha..BTDT way)

today I'm just going to Wham Bam Thank You Maam'

I give you

PantyWad Girl posing as a Witch....

and

Toothless Wonder as a beautiful Butterfly...

Holy Crap...

I freakin did it - I wrote HTML code...see that new little thing above my MILF badge (which thankfully hasn't been taken away...I'm on a little MILF break right now...a little diet intolerance...but come the holidays I am going to be trying the Wii diet...so I'll be back in MILF form) that is my NaBloPoMo badge...which they didn't give me something nice to just paste it - I had to figure out how to write the HTML code...

go me...go me...do the cabbage patch..do the running man...do the lawn sprinkler....

ok - I am all signed up and ready to go...

Go WHERE???

well I took Aimee's invitation and joined NaBloPoMo

Huh - what the?

NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month

So for the ENTIRE month of November I am going to try and do my best to post every day...

Note DO MY BEST is in bold...cause I can try...but I may not succeed...

do you see that above you...

Yes that is my pathetic attempt at attempting to make a blog header...

in all actuality for someone who has never ever taken a computer class in her life it isn't half bad...

1.5 stars out of 10???

so here is the thing oh great readers of mine...

Anyone want to make me a Blog Header?

...pretty much anything goes besides pictures of certain body parts and bodily fluids (I know I am taking all the fun out of it...)

Leave a message that you have one for me and I will contact you...cause anyone who tries gets a prize :)

Wacky Wednesday...

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN

that's all I got...

no really....

oh ok - so you want to hear some jokes...

Q: Why can't ghosts have babies
A: Cause they have Halloweenies

get it...Hallow Weenies....

here is a better one for all of you that are groaning right now

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Enjoy...I already have my nice beverages chillin' for my walk around the 'hood tonight...I'll be hanging with a Witch and a Butterfly

If you can't find me look under the pile of magazines...

So TC and I are pretty avid readers….ummm Ok I am a pretty avid reader. I am one of THOSE people that always needs something…I need a magazine, a book, the radio or the TV on…I NEED distraction of some sort…

So to begin with we had a few magazine subscriptions each…some because they are our holy grail of magazines (ummm…People)…some because they come with someone’s NRA membership (ummm American Rifleman) and mainly ordering them when a nice special came our way.

Until recently we had a small stream of magazines coming our way

People
American Rifleman
Family Fun
Good Housekeeping
Richmond Magazine (local)
Maxim
Playboy (hey they do have good articles…if you can get past the T&A)
Deer Hunter (something like that…has pictures of dead animals on the cover)

THEN….

See TC had some “points” on his AMEX credit card…they were getting ready to expire but he didn’t have enough for something good – like a $25 gift card to Chili’s – so they offered us magazine subscriptions in exchange for points…after slogging through the multitude of nursing magazines they offered (WTF is up with that…how many nursing magazines are there…LPN, Nursing, American Journal of Nursing, Men in Nursing, etc…) and finding that they don’t really offer any of the magazines that I would enjoy (In Style, Glamour, TV Guide) we just started circling….

And the magazines have started arriving…

So far…

Conde Nast Traveler
Money
Cigar Aficianado
Details
Wired

TC swears we circled AT LEAST 7 to 8 magazines…so who knows how many more will arrive on our doorstep….

So we are up to at least 13 magazines per month…with how many more on the horizon???

Add in the 4-8 catalogs from various mail order companies that we receive in a weeks time…

Pretty soon we should be able to build a nice addition…built entirely of magazines…that is if the stacks don’t crush us first….

Really....Bananas?

So I totally forgot about this incident until I was reminded about it by a friend this weekend…see I had told my friend this story and she made me tell it to another friend…

So I figured I would share it with the rest of you…

So the scene is Back to School night…being that I had already had a conference with TW teacher the first week of school I sent TC to her class while I attended PWG class.

PWG teacher zipped through the program…and we made our way to TW class – where TC was sitting there...sort of dumbfounded…

Turns out there was a conversation about snacks and it went something along the lines of this – a brief synopsis…(*note it was conferred to me by TC so things may not be totally accurate)

Teacher: Parents please remember to send in healthy snacks for your kids. Once one child has a Cookie the rest want them too.

Mom 1: Yes we should all be sending in good vegetables and fruit – like bananas

Mom 2: Ummm…have you seen a banana after it has been in a backpack all day?

Mom 1: Well then Broccoli…

Mom 3: You can get your kid to eat Broccoli?

Mom 1: Well something healthful..

Mom 2: But not a banana

Apparently the conversation about snacks and various types of fruits and vegetables went on for awhile – TC was amazed that women could talk so long and feverishly about vegetables for snacks

In the walk home TC stated that the Mom 2 had a point…Bananas weren’t easily portable in a 1st grade backpack…the squish factor was just to high. I said I was sure they made a banana container…

So the next day at work I was relaying the conversation to a co-worker while we searched the Google Mecca (seriously how did I ever live without Google) for Banana Keepers…however upon discussing while searching this is what came out of my mouth…

I don’t understand how you can have something universal though because they come in all shapes and sizes – I mean you have your big ones and your little ones, ones that are long and skinny and ones that are short and girthy – then the curvature of them…some are really curved while some are straight…

At this point my co-worker had lost it…totally lost it…it took me a minute to realize what had just come out of my mouth…Thank goodness none of our other co-workers were around…cause somehow I don’t thing they would truly believe we were talking about bananas…

The google search paid off…oh sweet mother did it pay off…

Let me ask – would you send your kid to school with this…

Because...ummmm.....welllll

Let's just say the inventor could probably make a killing if he renamed it the "Perky Pecker" and advertised it as the "organic alternative to Viagra"

If you would like to buy one for your "banana" {wink, wink} you can do so right here Banana Bunker

Now let me say the Banana Bunker isn't the only way to keep your banana safe...there is also the

Banana Guard

and the

Banana Saver (with popsicle slot)

I think I'll just have my kids stick to Fruit Stackers...

FRIDAY FUN DAY....

cause it is Friday afternoon - I am sure everyone just wants to goof off...so here are some sites to help you goof off...

Brain Bashers

Deal or No Deal

Bejeweled

and I found out my mom has been secretly posting on the internet...either that or someone elses Childhood was as screwed up as mine

Easy Barbie Clothes

Note the last line...I wanted the fancy ball gown - instead I get a pair of knitted pants - with one leg shorter than the other ("Just pull the short one to make it longer" per my mother) and a matching knitted poncho...

I also didn't get real "JAMS" no I had to have homemade knock-off JAMS (only those over 30 will understand what the hell I am talking about)...thankfully she drew the line at Homemade parachute pants

Things I wonder about...

On the childrens show Arthur...who decides which animals get to talk? I mean I am pretty sure some of the characters are dogs...but yet Arthur has a dog for a pet? Much along the lines of - Why does Goofy get to talk and walk upright but all Pluto can do is bark and walk like well...a dog.

In the Randy Travis song "Three Wooden Crosses" there is a Hooker, a Farmer, a Teacher and a Preacher on a bus bound for Mexico....a stop sign is missed and he sings of THREE wooden crosses....by the end of the song you find out that the Hooker survives...but what happened to the bus driver? Did the bus driver survive? Was he killed? Should the song really be FOUR Wooden crosses?

Why is it TC whose snores like a Lion with a head cold always manages to fall asleep before I do?

Quote of the day: I I've learned that artificial intelligance is no match for natural stupidity

It's not trash...

So yesterday I got home from work late...I managed to have 3 minutes alone in my house before TC, PWG and TW came bursting through the door from religious ed.

Then I was introduced to "Casey"...

Some kids have imaginary friends...my kid builds a "robot" out of discarded food boxes.

I'll have to admit he was pretty sweet...especially since his main body was a Fruit snackers box...but apparently much like Cherry Darling Casey can kick some ass with his Winchester rifle shell box arm...

This morning as I was gently telling (ha ha ha) my kiddos to get in the car - PWG told me I had to wait because "Casey" had to go to his school...flung on all the lights in the front room and propped him up next to Dancing Elmo (who I now refer to as Stroke victim Elmo being that his battery is slowly running out...his dancing moves are pretty jerky and you can't understand all the words)

ME: PWG please turn off the lights
PWG: Then Casey can't see
ME: Didn't you build him with see in the dark vision
PWG: Yes I did - thanks for remindin' me momma

and the lights go off...

QOTD: Just remember if the world didn't suck we would all fall off

Just another RANDOM Monday....

Another tag….

Wow I guess I do have a few friends in this world…

So Buildermama tagged me to tell you 7 random things about me:

• I used to do temp work…I have worked at two different temp agencies and have worked for among other companies - HUD, Circuit City, Capitol One and EDS. My most interesting one was working as a receptionist for an “age-restricted” apartment community, where I could be assured if an ambulance entered the front of the complex within 10 minutes I would field at least 2 dozen calls from residents wanting to know who died and if a ground floor apartment had become available.

• Twins do run in my family and I did warn Third Child of this fact before we got married…so he was warned. In my generation of women 3 of us have children…2 of us have sets of twins…you do the math – I can’t wait for my sister to have her set of twins

• I am addicted to Coconut Snows…don’t know what snows are? It is basically finely shaved ice with flavoring…I count down the days when our local “Snow Shack” opens…and then trick my children into thinking they are getting a treat when we stop by the Snow Shack – when in fact we stop because I jones for a damn Coconut snow. Oh and Chai Tea – I love Chai Tea….ummmmm
  

• My engagement ring is a simple blue topaz…TC told me he couldn’t ask me to marry him until he could afford a diamond…well if that were the case I would still be waiting…so I told him not to worry that there were plenty of diamonds in my family and I didn’t need a diamond…hence the blue topaz. However my grandmother didn’t like that and gave TC a wedding set my grandfather had specially made for her after she lost her original engagement ring – one with 20 diamonds set in platinum with a matching wedding band with 12 diamonds…I get loads of compliments on it…
  

• I weigh less now then I did my junior year of high school - not a whole lot less...but less nonetheless - However I weigh about 25 lbs more than I did when I entered (and left) college.
  

• My first real “make-out” session was with the boy next door…

• I love quotes….seriously love quotes – I hear something and have to write it down – I have small scraps of paper all over the place with quotes written on them…in a box at home…tacked to my bulletin board at work....shoved in the bottom of my purse

So now I am tagging other people – hummmm – many of my PIM’s that blog have already been tagged so I’ll just tag one for now….but if anyone else would like to play along by all means go for it…

So Jimmi - tag you are it :)

What a lot of anger at a boy and alcohol can do…

Yesterday I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with TC…I am sure some of you are wondering how we met…

I was but a mere freshman in college and I had gone to a mixer between my sorority and a fraternity…That night I was VERY pissed off – you see because most guys are A-holes – I had been seeing a boy on and off for a few months when we first met he told me he had a girlfriend and I told him I wasn’t into relationship wrecking so I told him we could be “friends” – so about 3 weeks of being a “friends” he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend so we then turned our relationship up a notch…{Note to you single gals – think twice before becoming involved with someone nicknamed “Spanky”} after 3 weeks I learn that he hadn’t broken it off with his girlfriend and had decided to transfer to be with her so I was NOT in a good mood, in fact I was Hella-pissed

Because I was not in a good mood I decided to imbibe some alcohol to “soothe my nerves” – I drank enough to be considered oh drunk but not to far gone as to swallow goldfish, like some of my other sorority sisters…

After the mixer a FRAT BOY took a bunch of us to another party – my sorority sisters were very drunk and singing “I want to be a cowgirl” at the top of their lungs – I was a bit tipsy but no where near as far gone as they were so I moved to the front of the pack and said to the FRAT BOY I don’t want to be associated with them…on to the party, the FRAT BOY and I started talking and then we started dancing and then we started kissing and then the cops showed up so we all dispersed…

FRAT BOY invited me back to his room and well…..(don’t judge – it was the first time I had done anything like that so quickly…) well the next morning I went home and FRAT BOY came by to visit a few times during that week but I wasn’t really interested since I basically just wanted to ‘use’ him and toss him aside since that is the way I felt the A-HOLE guy I dumped did to me…Anyway the next weekend I met a boy who I ended up dating for a year…

Fast forward to my junior year – I had broken up with my boyfriend that summer and was raring to have fun and party away…well FRAT BOY had spent the previous semester in Army reserve training and he saw me from across the campus and came over to talk with me…I was nice and talked to him for a little while – well over the next 2 weeks I noticed where ever I was he seemed to be there (small campus) too….

Well I ended up going to one of his fraternity parties about 3 weeks into the semester looking for some friends of mine – the friends weren’t there but he saw me and offered me a beer so I said OK (cause really what college co-ed is going to turn down free beer) but I had to go to the bar to see if my friends were there so he walked me to the bar – my friends were there but thought I had come with FRAT BOY so they left without me…

so FRAT BOY said he would walk me home, when we are almost to my house he asks if I want to come to his place – OH I WENT OFF ON HIM – I accused him if stalking me and said the only reason he wanted me to come back to his place was for ‘some action’ and that I might have been stupid once but I have wised up….well he took offense and said he really liked me and just wanted to talk more and get to know me (gee, since we didn’t really do that the first time around)….so I went back to his place and talked all night long…we have been together ever since….and oh it took a loooooooooooooooooooooong while before he saw ‘action’ a second-time round….

As far as my daughters will know – we met at some very nice, no alcohol allowed party at college and were chaperoned on every date until our wedding night :)

For our 10th anniversary we went to out to see a great comedian – Robert Schimmel Who during his act had a bit about Merkins…oh sweat mother of Merkin…there are some strange strange jobs out there…

What do you do for a living?

Oh I make Beaver Covers…

Now if there were to make them out of say…fruit roll-ups then I could sort of see the value of them…cause for your partner they could have a tasty little snack while making you well….


P.S. - it doesn't matter if I am 33 years old...it doesn't matter if I have 2 kids...it doesn't matter if it is MY house....it doesn't matter if I am tipsy - I am still not doing the deed with my mother in the next room....

1st grade is confounding me...

so the girls are in 1st grade and so far it has been quite an education for me...and let me preface this with the fact that I have a BS and a MS.

two weeks ago they were talking about Ordinals...

huh...what Ordinals???...so I had to have THEM - yes THEM - 6 year old 1st graders explain what an Ordinal was...once they explained it I knew exactly what they were just didn't remember the "offical" name for them...

How many of you are going to go and google ordinals now because you don't know what I am talking about?

They have been working on knowing the different "types" of species - Mammal, Reptile, Amphibians, ect...now let me tell you my BS is a degree in Biology - where I had to take courses dealing with Zoology...I will soon show you how much that Degree has come in handy (*note the sarcasm)

So yesterday while up on a mountaintop picking apples PWG and TW started talking about how differnt animals have babies...the conversation started because TC warned them about stepping in a Groundhog hole (which BTW was as big as my children...I would hate to see the size of the groundhog that dug that hole)...so they started talking about how a groundhog is a mammal and they have babies that are born alive...(Luckly they haven't asked HOW those babies get out considering I have told them a Dr. cut me open to get them out and they have seen one of those "I'm having a Baby shows" that featured a C-section...which I told them to look at the TV to re-iterate what i had told them...I am sure that little incidence will be brought up many years from now when they are in theraphy...)...

Anyway the conversation about groundhogs lead to how other things have babies

Fish - lay eggs = CHECK
Frogs - Lay eggs = CHECK
Badgers - have live babies = CHECK (Yes PWG brought up Badgers?? what a random animal)
Mermaids - have live babies = CHECK (I didn't have the heart to tell TW that mermaids aren't real)
Mommies - have live babies = CHECK

then the question...the question that left both TC and I dumbfounded???

Where do snails come from?

ummm - hummmm - wellllll

TC and I looked at one another and I guessed that they lay eggs but that I wasn't sure...

Then TW asked

Where do their shells come from?

Hummm - ummmmm

All I have to say is THANK GOD for Google....

Everything you wanted to know about SNAILS...hermaphroditism and all

The new TV shows

yes this is going to be a post all about ME and what I like...



so the topic today is NEW TV shows...



I love TV...so much so I always have to have it on - even if I am not watching it - I am one of those people who has to have some sort of noise/stimulation going on all around me...maybe this is why I did so well living in a 1200 square foot house with 8 other women for 3 years of my college life...



Anyway thanks to my DVR I am able to sample far more TV shows this TV season - in past I had to make decisions on what I watched based on if the time it came on TV was a good time for me...with 6 year olds pretty much anything that came on at 8pm was out for me...except Dancing with the Stars which my girls love...



So here is my list of new shows I am watching



REAPER - Tuesdays @ 9pm on the CW - LOVE this show - funny and endearing - it is one of those shows that leave you satisfied when you are done watching it and I can't wait for the next week so I can see a new episode



DIRTY SEXY MONEY - Weds @ 9pm on ABC - I like this - a little intrigue, a little comedy, a little drama - on the whole a very satisfying show



CHUCK - Mondays @ 8pm on NBC - this is a show that comes on at 8pm so it gets DVR'd to watch later - so far the first two episodes have been OK...not terrific but they are trying to "set the stage" but in reading reviews I have read that the third show really steps it up a notch - that show is on my DVR - now to find time to watch it



Third Child on the other hand has totally different viewing habits than I and he has been watching



Bionic Woman



Life



There are a few that haven't Premired yet and I am looking forward to seeing them - so I might be back



I am sure you are saying to yourselves...this can't be all you watch...nope - I also can't miss the following



How I Met Your Mother - absolutely one of the funniest comedies on the air

Dancing with the Stars - a great Family show to watch all together

Funniest Home Videos - ditto

Grey's Anatomy

HEROS

Law & Order SVU

Las Vegas - delicious

The Office

Desperate Housewives - just frothy no brainer fun



and of course I can't wait for NIP/TUCK to return....that is one of the few shows both TC and I both love and we must watch together :)



TC can't miss Ugly Betty...I have yet to see a full show because it is on at 8pm...I know you are saying to yourself...but I thought you said you had toruble watching shows at 8pm because of the girls...yes I DO...seems like the Vagina Beacon works at bedtime too - so while I am spending 15 minutes tucking TW and PWG girl into bed because "I want Momma to do it" TC is happily ensconced on the big chair watching Ugly Betty

A Senseo Sensation

I enjoy perusing peoples blogs…especially the crafty ones

While perusing my friend, Jimmi's blog (hi Jimmi) I came across a chance to complete a survey and possibly receive a Senseo Coffee maker

Now since she had done it and actually received the Senseo Coffee maker I figured I would give it a whirl…

I went HERE and filled out the survey

A few days later I got a confirmation e-mail in my box…followed the link – paid $15 to Sara Lee Corp. and a few days ago this showed up on my doorstep… (well mine is black)

HEAVEN…..

I pulled it out of the box, flushed the system and tried it out – YIPEE…..YAHOO

See come November I become a hunting Widow…I no longer get to sleep in on Sat and Sunday mornings and when I stumble down the stairs there is no fresh brewed coffee waiting for me…and a momma without coffee is not a happy momma…

And I know you are saying – just make a pot yourself…but nay there are but two things in this world I haven’t quite mastered in the kitchen…

• Brewing a pot of coffee
• Making pancakes (sad isn’t it…I follow the freaking directions and they still come out bad – either to thick or to thin…TC on the other hand makes them just right)

I have had my eye on one of these single serve coffee machines for awhile…but the price had turned me off being that I would just be using it for myself. But for $15….hey worth a try…

FAB-U-LOUS…..(ok when you read this word have it sound like a Gay Man in your head)

Decent cup of fast coffee = happy momma…

Now to work on Senseo to offer some more flavored coffee and maybe some Chai Tea pods…

We all have Issues....

I certainly have a lot of issues myself…but now that I am a mother I wonder how much of that was ingrained in me from my mother and how much was just my own natural ways of dealing with things…

I ask this because I do believe I have made PWG addicted to pantyliners.

She is 6 years old.

See it all started about a year ago…she wet her bed in the middle of the night for the first time in a long time…I guess the stress of worrying if she was going to wet the bed again caused her to develop Pollakiuria

She was going to the bathroom a few times an hour…one time on 10 minute “I know exactly what I need” trip to Target we visited the bathroom 3 times…her issues lasted about 3-4 months before finally waning.

But the offshoot of the Pollakiuria episode

DROPS

Yes drops of urine that happen in her panties…she can’t stand them and now has a habit of changing her underwear 2-3x’s a day because of “drops” – I have tried to explain to her that if she is afraid of a little moisture now – she was going to be a wreck once she has children but being 6 she doesn’t quite understand that.

Oh yes the pantyliners…

One day as I was dropping off TW and PWG off at before school care and PWG got this wild look in her eyes and hissed “DROPS”…and told me she needed a new pair of underwear…being that I was already late to work I told her to “deal” – apparently that didn’t cut it and a temper tantrum ensued…being that I am not MacGyver and can not create a new pair of panties out of a quarter and a Chiclet I did the next best thing…drug her into the bathroom and did the “folded toilet paper” trick and stuck it in her panties.

That was all fine and good until 2-3 days later and she came to me one evening and told me she had “drops” and wanted some toilet paper in her panties…I rolled my eyes and as I did they hit on my box of pantyliners…

Thus an addiction was born…

Now she doesn’t want them everyday…but I have a feeling next time I go to the warehouse store I will be buying that BIG-ASS box of 500 liners…

Any guesses as to how I will ruin my children next?

I shoulda' drank more in college

And oh yeah try those mushrooms I was offered one evening…

Cause I would probably be rich right now.

Having 6.5 year old twins I have seen more than my fair share of childrens programming in the last 6 years…

I am very thankful that I gave birth on the tail end of the “BARNEY” era…although I did wind up smack in “THE WIGGLES” generation…which after awhile your mind becomes numb to the music and you can’t help but hum “cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti”

There are some weird shows out there and some shows that leave you scratching your head – Like the Tellytubbies and their wacko cousins the Boobahs…

But the other day I saw a show where all I could do was slightly mouth to Third Child “what the F#$@”

And that show is OOBI…

If you haven’t seen it – let me fill you it – it is a bunch of people with eyeballs on their hands…yes eyeballs on their hands…occasionally other accessories pop up – wigs, capes, bows…but the basics are a hand and eyeballs…

All I can think is the creator was sitting around with his “bros” one evening high on something or other and staring at his hand….

“Dude wouldn’t it be cool if my hand had eyeballs?”

OOBI is born…and now has a show on Noggin…

I am seriously thinking about getting myself a pair of OOBI EYES…and dressing up for Halloween this year…humm I wonder if they have a little bottle of Valium or a bottle of Jack as accessories.

Monkeys and Tampons - Oh My

The other day Third Child and I were either watching some show or listening to something on the radio - I am not really sure as my days go by in a blur…

Anyhoo – the point of what we heard was about MONKEYS

And how monkeys can be trained to do certain things…

Open the fridge and bring you a drink
Get a book from a shelf
Help you with your shopping
Insert a feeding tube

Now I DID NOT make that last one up…they seriously talked about how a MONKEY can be trained to insert a feeding tube…and since TC heard the same thing I did I know it wasn’t a fanatical musing of my brain (Hey wouldn’t it be cool if Monkeys could insert feeding tubes)

My question is what would possess someone to allow a MONKEY to insert a feeding tube… if I was medical personal that received specialized training in inserting feeding tubes I would be dumbfounded…

“What inserting feeding tubes…what’s so hard about that…it’s so easy a monkey can do it….”

So lately every conversation Third Child and I have had I have been trying to sneak in Monkeys

“Gee I can’t quite reach the top shelf …if we had a monkey he could get that down for me”

{sitting on couch} “Gee I would really like a cold beverage but I don’t want to get up…if we had a monkey I wouldn’t have to get up”

Then we had a conversation that went something like this

ME: I think it would be cool to have a monkey – it could grow old with us and when we were feeble it could insert our feeding tubes
TC: You know Monkeys throw their shit…
ME: You have monkey wear a diaper.
TC: If you were so feeble to need a monkey to insert a feeding tube who the hell would change the monkeys diapers?
ME: hummm good question

Almost as stupid as our Turtle conversation.

I did try to find out more information at www.ask.com... I typed in “Monkeys inserting feeding tubes” into the search box and this is what I got

Narrow Your Search
Inserting Ivs
Inserting a Tampon
Girl Inserting a Tampon
Video of Women Inserting a Tampon
Inserting a Catheter
Insert a Tampon in My Daughter
Inserting Suppositories
Tampon Inserting Photographs
Tampon Inserting Stories

More »
Expand Your Search
Remove Feeding Tubes
Tube Feedings
Nasogastric Tubes
Vibrating Tampons

Now if someone can tell be what feeding tube inserting Monkeys have to do with tampons…I would be a strangely informed woman…

BTW I clicked on the last thing “Vibrating Tampons” and found THIS

from feeding tube inserting monkeys to vibrating tampons…

discuss amongst yourselves

ISO - Strap-on Vagina

Yeah I know I have been gone…been in a rut with the end of summer/beginning of school – I will try my best to give the few of you who do partake and choose to read my blog a glimpse into my life a bit more often…

Ok does anyone know where I might purchase a Strap-on Vagina…

Because I am thinking that my vagina is the beacon in our house…

The “beacon” you say?

Yes the beacon that somehow radiates to my children that I am the only one that can seem to do anything for them…(I also believe it puts out a weird vibe that causes freaky foreign guys to hit on me in bars…but that could just be my big-ass badonkadonk).

DH to TW : Let me brush your hair
TW: No I want Momma to do it

DH to PWG: Let me tuck you into bed
PWG: No I want Momma to do it

DH to TW and PWG : Let’s do your homework
TW & PWG: We want Momma to help us

I am thinking if I can get a strap-on one for DH it might make my life a little easier because then maybe he would have a vagina beacon that would radiate that he can in fact brush hair, tuck the kids in and can do 1st grade math with ease.


GLIMPSE INTO MY LIFE

So I am driving on some god-forsaken errand and glance in my rear-view mirror and see TW and PWG stretched between their carseats mouths open and tongues touching.

ME: Um girls what are you doing
PWG: We're french kissing

in 15 years at a college bar that trick is going to get them a lot of free drinks...

More of what Jenni Needs....

In order to attract the woman of her erotic dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.

Hummm the woman of my erotic dreams....somehow I don't think I am that Jenni

jenni (needs a drink and a vacation!!)

DAMN RIGHT!

If you feel that Jenni meets your needs, we can provide you with a test implementation of Jenni so that you can try out an ideas

Dude...what sort of needs need to be met...

Jenni needs to coordinate with Laura

maybe she is the woman of my erotic dreams?????

Jenni needs her toenails trimmed

Yeah- OK possibily

Jenni needs to go upstairs and change soon,

for the woman of my erotic dreams???

Jenni needs help from someone with MYOB experience

huh...MYOB?

Jenni needs coffee

of course...I don't need to be told this....

Jenni needs to get a life

gee thanks a lot....

Jenni needs to be there to liven it up and to be Miss Cheeky

does this go hand and hand with get a life...as far as being Miss Cheeky...there is a time and place for that...and that is called College....

Jenni needs applications

for what....are people applying to be the woman of my erotic dreams?

Jenni needs a video blog

not a wide lens big enough to fit my arse in the picture

jenni! you def. need to vamp up your page a little

Ok - don't be so antsy....

hey jenni! you need to update your shit. who else is going to entertain me!

Gotcha...I'll try and do better....


NOW - it is your turn...

• Go to Google
• Type in "your name" + "needs" (without " ")
• See what YOU need :)

Everyone Needs A Jenni !!!

So...I was playing the Google game of NEEDS...you know you type in your name + needs and see what comes up...and found this...

Apparently everyone needs one of ME :)

Which one of these things just doesn't belong...

Friday Night
11 p.m.
Me
Red-neck Bar
A Band named Monkeyfist
Mullets
Bad Dye Jobs
Hefty women in spandex


So on Friday I get a call from my friend Ro…she asks me what I am doing that evening…

Let’s see I am a mommy…so nothing…

She asks me if I want to go to a bar and see her husband’s band – Monkeyfist – play…

You see it was playing at a little place in my town called the Midway Lounge…don’t let the exciting name fool you…it is a honkey-tonk Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Bar…and not the cool kind you would find Toby Keith in…

I said sure why not…

I then had to call her back and tell her I didn’t have any stretch Gold Lame and didn’t know if I would fit it – she mentioned something about wearing her “fuck me” boots and then lamented on the fact it had been so long since she had worn them she wasn’t sure where they were and quite possibly the dog could have eaten them…

Anyway on Friday night we did end up at a bar called the Midway Lounge…where it cost us $10 cover…but the drinks were $1…I remarked that if my college bar had gone the same route I probably would have been very acquainted with the 12 steps by now…

When we got to the bar it was about 10pm and the band was between sets…this gave us ample time to take a look around…OMG….

Now I have been in some bars in my lifetime but this one was very interesting to say the least…

RO and I felt a little out of place being that neither of us has a mullet, bleach blonde hair or the smell of desperation surrounding us….

The mullets were running rampant…I guess these guys don’t know that even Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t have his mullet anymore (and I know this because my daughters have just discovered Hannah Montana and I have become reacquainted with Mr. Billy Ray).

And the bleach blondes – OMG – this morning one of my co-workers asked if the bleachies also included the bad frizzy perms…OF COURSE – complete with the half pulled back on-top-of-your-head scrunchie ponytail…whip that top pony around…

Of course you can’t have a Redneck bar without bar sluts…and you know they do come in two varieties…the really skinny ones with spandex tops and jeans that look to be painted on …and the really “fluffy” ones with the spandex tops and the jeans that look painted on…my eyes were assaulted by many a fashion disaster…

And then in the air was the smell of desperation…it was mainly coming from the table next to us that housed 1 couple and 3 to 4 homely looking 30 somethings….30 somethings that were in desperate need of some makeovers – now I know that I don’t always make the best fashion choices but I had to agree with Ro when she exclaimed “Damn I’m a hot chick up in this place” - then again with $1 drinks guess you don't have to look to good...them beer googles make everything look a little better...

Monkeyfist was very good – I enjoyed the music – lots of 90’s rock with a few current hits thrown in…so good music, $1 drinks (with a designated driver), spending some time with a good friend and discovering there is at least one bar in town where I look pretty damn good…- the evening was pretty good…

Hitting the Motherload

It all started last week…

On Tuesday night we walked into the house to a sound that I can only describe as 100 cicadas mating furiously in our living room…the noise was high pitch and deafening….

Third Child and I are looking and looking trying to pinpoint where the noise was coming from…finally we decided it must be coming from our TV or the cable box…

So we unplug everything and the noise stops…TC plugs the TV in and BAM…the noise is back…

Sniffle Sniffle the TV is dead…but inside I was rejoicing…our TV had been having “issues” so I had been researching HDTV’s…so I looked at TC and said “after dinner we go buy a new TV”

I knew exactly the one we wanted and off we went…first we went to Sears and talked with a very nice man about the TV we wanted to buy…but alas they didn’t have any in stock and it could take up to a week to get it…so we were forced to go to Circuit City…

I HATE Circuit City with a passion – the sales people are idiots…they fired all their good sale associates because they made to much money and hired teenagers who don’t even know the basics…heck read the friggin Circuit City website and acquire some knowledge on the things you freakin sell…the last time I went to CC was to purchase an MP3 player – so this couple and I are over looking at the MP3 players – at this point I am not an expert but I did do a little research about the various brands and models – Couple asks the sales associate a basic question…sales associate says “I dunno” – so I jump in and gave the couple a basic run down of MP3 players and the pros and cons of various models…all information I got from the friggin Circuit City website…after asking the sales associate a few more questions the couple and I looked at one another and I said “well I am heading over to Best Buy maybe they know something other than ‘I dunno’” – so couple and I trooped out of CC and across the street to Best Buy – where we both made purchases…

Anyway the particular TV I wanted Best Buy does not carry so I was stuck with Circuit City…so after Sears we go to Circuit City – and wait and wait and wait – TC and I are walking up and down the isle of the TV’s trying to make eye contact with the sales associates – twice we were told “Be with ya in a minute”…yeah – so 10 minutes later I finally troop over the checkout and ask if they had the particular TV I was looking for in stock because according to their website they did and I would like to purchase it…Apparently the cashiers had arrived to work on the short bus…because I got blank stares – so finally one poor person took pity on me and found me a sales associate – I made the purchase and away we went…

So we get home and realize that our new TV will not fit in our TV cabinet – cabinet 31” wide…TV 31.4 “ wide – so I look at TC and said “cut the MF’er down” – which he did and very nicely I might add the next day.

So Wed night TC and I unpack the TV and put it on our newly remodeled TV cabinet and then we get stuck – apparently our digital cable box is for old decrepit TV’s and we have a new HDTV and much like Cats and Dogs they aren’t going to mate…I finally succumb to plugging the cable right into the TV – at least we would get some basic TV for now…So DH and I are watching TV and we had the following conversation which will factor into this increasingly long story…

TV shows commercial of new Fall Show Journeyman

Me: - What a farce – it sounds like Quantum Leap

TC: But it is different than Quantum Leap

Me; Really - no shit (of course said sarcastically) – Quantum Leap was da’ bomb and Scott Backula was quite delicious – like a fluffy stud muffin.

TC: I am sure you can still see Quantum Leap – maybe it is on the Sci-Fi channel

Me: That would force me actually look for it – rather than it just being there. Ya know if they are redoing Bionic Woman they could redo Quantum Leap – I would be all over that.


So on Thursday I call our cable company and lo and behold they actually have an appointment time for 7am-9am the next morning to deliver and set up an HD box…Well sign me up – then the rep asks a question “Do you want DVR” – hummmmm DVR – “How much more a month would it be?” - $7….well go ahead and sign me up.

Friday morning the cable guy arrives (at 9am of course) and installs my new HD/DVR cable box…joy…

I don’t get a chance to play around with said DVR and cable box until Saturday night and even then I just read the directions on how to record a program – so I figured I would give it a whirl and find some Kim Possible episode at 12:30am to record (for the kiddos)

Sunday morning said kiddos are driving me bonkers so I decide to let them watch TV and remember I recorded a Kim Possible episode…so let’s try that DVR out –

Click on My DVR and notice on the first page there seems to be more stuff then just Kim Possible…and my DVR says 42% full…obviously I got a well used unit…so I am looking 20/20…My Name is Earl…Primetime – ok stuff I can delete…then I page down…OMG…what is that QUANTUM LEAP episode…no freakin way…page down again

QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP
QUANTUM LEAP

And page down again and again….all QUANTUM LEAP’s

I counted about 20 in all…

Sweet mother of DVR…

I feel like I won the DVR lottery…

Thank you O’ TV Gods for putting my old TV out of it’s misery…

Ummmm Scott Backula in his prime – snarf snarf snarf….